Tonight on Big Brother, it’s double eviction week! Will Dicklet go home as expected? Who will win the HOH and POV in the fast forwarded week? And who will be the second house guest out the door?
“I really like your skinny jeans, Kalia.”
“What skinny jeans? These are the relaxed-fit flares I brought with me. They have gotten a little snugger… that’s so weird!”
Chenbot’s pulled herself together for this special episode, looking downright normal in a sleeveless blouse and slacks. Whoever groomed the Bot gets points this week. She sums up the past week as we see that Dicklet looks super hot (despite some trashy smeared eye makeup — she IS a Donato, afterall), Big Jeff looks super pissed off, and Volvo looks super… well, Volvoesque:
Before we get to the first eviction, Chenbot tells us that Dicklet may still have a chance of survival because sometimes “help can be found in the most unlikely of places.” She means Adam, right? Because Adam being useful has to be the most unlikely thing to ever happen.
After we color in from the POV ceremony, Dicklet tells us that she’s going to work her ass off to stay in the house. As that thing is already down to bone, I’m not sure what she’s got to work with. Boobs bitches to us that Dicklet has to go because she’s “super cocky and arrogant”, and I’m pretty sure dear old Boobs has segued into talking about her favorite topic again — herself. Talk about the dumb hooker calling the anorexic methhead black. Volvo is happy to be off the block and pretends for our sake to be actually torn between voting out Dicklet or Fat and the City. Like Volvo wouldn’t be thrilled to get rid of her competition — to eat the last Twinkie in the box. As for FATC, she feels safe as Dicklet is clearly the target, so she’s going to shake up her game play by laying around in bed all day. She may also throw some talking while her mouth is full to really go buckwild. She wahs wahs a bit about her “best friend” leaving, which I hope she enjoys watching at home while plotting ways around the restraining order Dicklet has put on her. Finally “Big Jeff” third persons about how his alliance better not bend him over by keeping Dicklet.
“I sure as hell better not get Dumbledored here!”
Dicklet begins campaigning with Shelly, arguing that if Shelly doesn’t make a move, Jordan and Boobs are going to be the final 2 because everyone loves Jordan and everyone hates Boobs and will want to sit next to her at the end. Dicklet wisely hones in on Shelly’s crazy by telling her that an “absolutely disgusting human being” will walk away with $50,000 at this point. Shelly takes the anti-Boobs bait, telling Dicklet that she will vote for Dicklet to stay if Dicklet swears not to nominate her. Dicklet immediately agrees, and Shelly tells us that she has finally realized that she’s playing for third place in her alliance with Jeff/Jordan and she’s got to decide if she’s going to shit all over their friendship, aka “the greatest gift in the game.” I’m sure she’ll treasure every time she watched them dutchoven each other.
Shelly then goes to Adam, who is busy planning step 17 of his intricate long-con game strategy based on 10 years of fandom. Just kidding, he’s laying around looking hopelessly unattractive. She tells him that they’re both screwed if they stay in an alliance with Jeff/Jordan, and they should flip to Dicklet. Adam replies that he doesn’t think he can trust Dicklet, and he’d rather just lose competitions against honest people (J/J) than get stabbed in the back (Dicklet). If Adam was actually decent at any competition, I’d agree with him. But he sucks, so why not take a chance with Dicklet rather than a guaranteed eviction due to losing competitions? I need to stop expecting this guy to do anything resembling gameplay, don’t I?
Later on, Dicklet and Shelly sit on the outdoor couches, watching and whispering about Adam hanging out with Jeff and Jordan across the yard. Um, herrrrrllo, J/J? You may want to keep an eye on your alliance member. You know, the beef jerky in a wig currently getting in close with your enemy? Shelly tells Dicklet that Adam isn’t looking likely to flip, and Dicklet dismissively says that Adam is in love with J/J. I don’t think that’s true. Instead, I think it’s that 1) J/J is actually nice to Adam and pretends to be interested in hearing him talk about his bacon wetdreams; 2) Dicklet previously nominated Adam as a pawn and demonstrated that she considers him expendable; and 3) flipping =doing something, so that idea is DOA. Regardless, the season 8 Dicklet we all know and loathe is making her first appearance of the summer.
“UGH! Adam won’t do exactly what I want just because I said so! It’s not faaaaaaaair! This suuuuuuucks!”
With Adam out, that means Shelly and Dicklet have no choice but to try to flip Boobs. Tell her FATC”s prettier than her! Tell her FATC’s prettier than her! Instead, Shelly goes for her second best option — telling Boobs that Jeff threw the POV that lead to Sniffles’ second eviction. HAHA, well played, O’ Leathery One. We get a rare Boobs DR session where she speaks normally to us instead of shrieking maniacally, telling us that she’s pissed off to learn this information and thinks that since Jeff wasn’t willing to stick his neck out for Sniffles, he won’t be willing to stick his neck out for Boobs. And that would be correct.
Boobs flags down Dicklet to double-check the story, which Dicklet is thrilled to confirm. Boobs suggests that she work with Dicklet and Volvo moving forward, if Dicklet has the votes to stay. Boobs explains to us that keeping Dicklet in the house will keep Jeff and Dicklet at war and the target off Boobs’ back, so it might be the best move despite her hating Dicklet. Dicklet’s eyes light up, proving she’s not quite yet dead inside, and she says that she definitely has Volvo and thinks she has Shelly. Boobs tells her that she doesn’t have Shelly, but Dicklet disagrees, providing Boobs with some key information that Shelly may have already flipped. Boobs makes Dicklet promise not to tell anyone if Boobs goes ahead and gives her the vote, as she plans to blame Adam for the wonky vote. As before with Shelly, Dicklet immediately agrees to anything that could save her. Hell, I think she’d be even willing to tell Chenbot that she loves her dad.
“Don’t think this makes us friends or anything, because we’re NOT.”
“Shooooooocker! You’re still a tacky whore.”
“And you’re still a soulless slut.”
“Good, I’m glad we cleared that up.”
“Me too. Ain’t no mutual hatred getting between me and MY gameplay!”
Speaking of Chenbot, time for the double eviction announcement! But first — she tells us that the house “exploded” right before the live show began after Jeff learned that Shelly has flipped! Dammit, producers, I would have loved to see that shit! Well at least that explains while Jeff looks so pissy sitting there on the couch. I just figured it was because Jordan refused to pull his finger. I hope this means that Dicklet is staying! Between my strong dislike for FATC and the fact that Dicklet is one of the few interesting people in there, I am definitely rooting for Dicklet to stay!
Chenbot makes the double eviction announcement, and no one but Dicklet seems pretty happy about it. Chenbot segues directly into the pre-eviction speeches, and Dicklet is up first. She kisses CBS’ ass a bit, but then switches gears to a shittalking, highly rehearsed speech, saying that she’s the only one who loves this game (cue Boobs smirking) and accusing everyone else of sitting around, doing nothing, while writing Jeff and Jordan a paycheck. I get the J/J point, but I don’t think insulting everyone is the best way to get a last-minute vote, my dear. She finally shuts up and FATC only gets a few seconds to shout “vote for me!” and ask Chenbot if there will be nachos at the wrap party.
Time to vote! Jordan votes out Dicklet, Volvo votes out FATC, and Shelly… votes out FATC! Here we go guys — will Boobs join forces with Dicklet, forming the unholy hermaphrodite alliance? And the answer is… no! Dammit! Boobs votes out Dicklet, followed by Adam voting out Dicklet as well, resulting in a 3-2 Dicklet eviction. Nooo! So close! Chenbot breaks the news to the houseguests, and Dicklet quickly leaves without saying goodbye to Jeff, Jordan or Boobs. Classy. She goes out to meet Chenbot, commenting that this is her first time making the eviction walk, which prompts the Sexual Innuendo protocol when Chenbot responds that it’s the “walk of shame.” And now I have mental images of Chenbot sneaking out of Les Moonves’ house with her panties in her purse. Shudder.
“I personally love to get backdoored. Get it? Ha. Ha. Ha. Here, let me show you what that means…”
Back in the house, the houseguests get ready for the HOH competition, complete with shoe changes (Volvo), chapstick applications (Jeff) and praying that FATC’s pants do not fall down as she fears (America). Dicklet gets miked up, and begins spewing what I would assume to be a coke-fueled rant if she had access to the drug. She babbles about the J/J ass kissing and how no one was willing to play the game, then continues on to say she was “bored” by the golden key (you and America both, honey). Chenbot waits for Dicklet to come up for air, and starts playing the goodbye videos. Shelly’s is a huge ego stroke, Jeff’s is appropriate in explaining he evicted her because he didn’t trust her, FATC’s is a hot mess of melodramatic crying about her “best friend”, and Boobs is… Boobs. She tells Dicklet that she doesn’t give a shit about her jury vote, and then proceeds to call her “a horrendous bitch” and “not even half the game player” Dick was. HAHA, sometimes I love that crazy bitch. She’s SO much better without Sniffles around. Dicklet fake giggles in response, tells Chenbot she hopes that Boobs is getting the right edit (wait… reality TV isn’t… real?!) and shrugs it off. Bye bye, Dicklet. Truly sorry to see you go.
Damn, that’s a lot that’s happened already guys, and we’re just getting started. Time for the HOH competition! It’s a Before/After quiz, where each houseguest has to decide whether one event happened before or after another event. Adam continues his uselessness by being the first, and only person, person out on Q1. God, he sucks! Go get an appletini and get off my screen. On Q2, Volvo, Boobs and Shelly all go out and we’re left with just FATC and Jordan. Go Jordan! Chenbot reads the question and the girls guess opposite answers. This is it! Please, please, ple– NOOOO! FATC wins!
Poor Jordan looks devastated, as she knows some combination of her, Jeff and Boobs will up on the block and odds are one of them will go home. As she slinks off, Volvo and FATC shriek and embrace, with Shelly running up and joining in, suddenly now BFFs with these two. Now, I will admit that Shelly is making the correct game move by foregoing her alliance with Jeff and Jordan, but this blatant fakeness me slightly ill:
“Hey new besties! I’d love to get into that weight-gaining competition with you guys! Crisco ain’t just for suntanning, you know!”
FATC has to immediately make her nominations, and she makes the best decision given her alliances — she nominates Jeff and Boobs, as Jordan is the least likely of the three of them to win POV and pull someone off the block. Jeff is soooo going home unless he or Jordan can win this thing. After the billionth commercial break this episode, it’s time for the POV competition. And everyone’s playing BUT Jordan! There goes that slight chance of a vet not going home. It’s physical — the houseguests will have to search through individually-assigned ball pits to find two yellow clown shoes mixed in with the balls and useless black shoes. The yellow shoes can only be brought to the drop off point one at a time, and the first one to drop off both yellow shoes and the POV symbol hanging above his/her ball pit wins the POV. This competition should favor Jeff, but the needle-in-a-haystack element really evens the physical aspect out. It’s do or die for Big Jeff, folks.
Well, there’s nothing too exciting about recapping people digging in balls — well, at least in this context — so let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Boobs drops off her 1st shoe first, as the others keep digg– wait, what was that?! Oh shit guys, Jeff just totally threw one of the yellow shoes out of his container and along the side while digging through the pit! Anyone else notice that go flying?! Look, there it is!
Look between the blue pit and the wall on the bottom left hand side for a yellow blob — and I don’t mean Volvo.
Jeff finally finds the OTHER yellow shoe and is the fifth houseguest to return his 1st shoe. He’s never going to notice that one along the side — so screwed. Too bad he’s not just playing against FATC — she hasn’t found either shoe yet and I’m pretty sure she’s just decided to take a nap. And out of nowhere, here comes Volvo — winning the POV! Bye bye, Big Jeff. Boobs crushes a plastic ball in frustration, which is hardly the first ball she’s ever busted. One day, that mangling is really going to derail Sniffles’ masturbation video side business.
As they try to catch their breath, Shelly approaches Jordan presumably to offer her condolences for the soon to be dearly departed Jeff. Unfortunately we can’t hear what Shelly says, but Jordan’s quick backing away and shaking of her head makes it clear that she wants nothing to with Shelly right now. Haha. I love angry Jordan, so I hope she stays good and pissed. I would be too, seeing the brown smears around Shelly’s mouth from all the Kalia/Volvo ass kissing she’s doing.
Time for the POV ceremony. Even though there’s no way in hell Volvo will change the nominations, Chenbot still makes Boobs and Jeff give their speeches. Boobs congratulates Volvo and half-heartedly asks Volvo to save her, knowing it’s not going to happen. Jeff doesn’t even really bother to ask Volvo to use the veto, but instead gives them the pre-eviction speech, part 1. During this, the camera cuts to Jordan, and the tears in her eyes are hard to look at. Poor thing clearly blames herself, when in fact this is no more her fault than anyone else’s. Volvo looks terrified, but manages to choke out that she will not be using the veto as she runs off back to her seat. Very smooth.
“Okay, think, Porsch, think! You know what to say. ‘Please pack your kniv–’ No, that’s not right! ‘The tribe has spok–’ Aghh! ‘You’re still in the running to become America’s Next To–’ GODDAMMIT!”
As we come back from what will hopefully be the last commercial, we see that Jeff has cornered Shelly to do what Jeff does best (other than looking hot and being homophobic): bullying. Like with Dicklet earlier — way to show off your best side right before your fate is put in the hands of others. Chenbot orders them to come to the living room, as Jeff keeps talking to Shelly over Chenbot, saying that his actions speak for themselves. Yes, your bullying does demonstrate that sometimes you’re an asshole. They sit down, and Boobs has to give the pre-eviction speech first. Boobs, who has been handling this whole thing remarkably well (besides the ball crushing), simply asks that people think about who will be better for their gameplay when casting their vote to evict. Jeff then gets up for part 2 of his eviction speech, which is entirely delivered to Shelly. Maybe she understood it better than I did, but I certainly have no idea what “the actions that I’ve helped model, and role and molter” means. Testosterone rage is making his brain melt. Through the gibberish, Jeff basically begs Shelly to let their earlier, off-camera fight be in the past and move forward together with a clean slate. Shelly nods frantically, but I’m pretty sure he’s about to get Dumbledored, as he feared earlier.
Jordan votes first, and she’s crying pretty hard. She obviously votes to evict Boobs. Aww. Volvo votes to evict Jeff, and Adam hesitates a long time before voting to evict Boobs. I assume that Adam wanted to evict Boobs out of loyalty to Jeff, but was weighing that against the damage done by winding up in what will likely be the minority side of the vote. I think everyone already knows he’s Jeff’s pet, so it won’t really matter either way. The last voter is Shelly, who is also crying as she votes to evict Jeff. Ugh. You didn’t look too upset when you were exploring FATC”s colon 10 minutes ago.
Cram it, Slim Jim.
The vote is in, and it’s a tie. FATC has to cast the tiebreaker, and she makes the obvious decision of voting out Jeff. He takes a moment to hug everyone goodbye, which makes him a lot better sport than Dicklet, especially considering that Jeff got evicted on a whirlwind double eviction without any time to try to change any minds. As he mikes up, we see that half the house is sobbing — Jordan, Boobs (?) and Shelly, to be specific. I feel sorry for Jordan, slightly confused by Boobs, and truly irritated by Shelly. You chose this path, so STFU.
Outside, Jeff is PISSED, and tells Chenbot that “nobody in there has a sack. Can I say that?” HAHA. Bet that got edited out of the west code feed! And technically there is one man left in the house, so there would be a — oh, right. Adam. Okay, I see Jeff’s point. He continues to rant about people sleeping for the last 55 days and just now waking up, and how he’s a man who has to make big moves. There’s more to the speech, but I’m distracted by the girl just over his right shoulder who keeps smiling and squirming slowly in her seat. Somebody’s going to need a cold shower.
And that’s it guys! What did you think about this special double eviction episode? I am not happy. I wanted Dicklet to stay and a floater to go in the second round. In one night, we’ve lost the heads of both factions of the house. Hopefully people step up on both sides to lead the charge, but I’m worried this might get really dull. Let’s hope for some Jordan dramz for Sunday’s episode! At this point, I’m rooting for Boobs on the vet side and Volvo on the newbie side. She’s actually playing a decent game at this point, having aligned with the vets early on, then jumping the Brenchel ship at the perfect time. She’s also the second-best newbie at competitions, and showed tonight that she could be a threat as the competitions get more physical towards the end. Plus, and perhaps most importantly, she doesn’t piss me off.
Thanks for reading and see you next time!
P.S. A parting gift for all you Boobs haters:
Looks like someone grabbed a lifevest.