Big Brother: Shaving Fauxhawks

Previously, Boobs nasally squealed a lot and cried with her boyfriend Brenda. The Old People Alliance stayed on top, the Noobs were as dumb as ever, and I actually felt sorry for a model.

You’re so pretty I was never even tempted to call you Lassi.

We pick up where we left off, with Adam and Dominic being put on the block. They try to do a secret handshake, but neither of them seems to know what it is so it’s a huge failure. These two are a terrible, terrible team.

Boobs, the sweetheart that she is, tells them if they wanna come up and talk to someone they can talk to her. LOL. Thanks. You’re ugly inside. Go. Dom is sure he’s a pawn, and Adam is sure he’s a pawn. At the end of the day, aren’t we all pawns?

It’s your turn to vote, America! Do you want the country to suffer from A Floods B Famine C a Second Great Depression or D a Summer of Boofles?

Jeff is suprised that Boobs didn’t put him and Jordan on the block. I was too, and then I realized that Boobs probably thinks Dom is prettier than her. Dicklet thinks this might be the perfect time to get Boobs to backdoor either Jeff or Jordan, and I think that’s probably a little too soon. Still, someone better do it or Jordan will walk away with this thing again. Which I will totally be fine with. That she guessed David Hasselhoff from a bar of soap opera glasses means she should just be handed half a mil now so we can just press reset. If that’s not perfection in the BB world, I don’t know what is.

Dom and Adam go to the padded cell to pretend that neither of them has made a deal with Boobs. They decide that the only way to save themselves is to get Lawrong backdoored. Boobs is listening at the door, but they hardly understand what the hell they’re talking about so I doubt she does. She goes in and says it might be time to make a deal. Dom says that he wants to wait and see what happens in the Veto Competition before he makes a deal, cuz he doesn’t wanna turn against Adam. He tells us that he already made a deal and bimbo ass Boobs seems to have forgotten all about it. True, but this is the part where you’re supposed to tell Boobs that Juila Roberts wishes she was as cute as she is and all that good stuff. Boobs makes no qualms about expecting everyone to kiss her cottage cheese ass, so I don’t know that he’s doing this right.

Dom goes to hang with Dicklet on a bed. They whine flirt for awhile, and then Dom tests Dicklet on what she’s gonna say to Boobs to make sure Dom is safe. Dicklet makes her way up to the HOH and lies down to listen to Boob’s neuroticism run wild. She’s worried that Jordan’s still not grovelling for forgiveness after not letting Boobs watch Same Name. LOL. She did you a favor girl!

Boobs says Jordan is looking at her funny. She’s probably earnestly wondering why you installed a toilet lid as teeth. We’re all staring at you, dumbass. She claims that people have mentioned it was crazy that she didn’t put J&J up, and Dicklet seizes the opportunity to say that if she did put them up, everyone would be behind them. Everyone as in….? Everyone. Um…ok? Boobs is buying it, but Brenda’s not at all. Dicklet just plays with her hair, thinking she just pulled one over on them. Unfortunately, neither of them is a gay guy in a flirtlationsionship with her, so she has no power here.

I love the wallpaper outside the HOH room, cuz everytime Boobs walks in there it looks like she’s jumping off a bridge.

Later, Boobs takes a bath with Brenda and rubs his feet. They’re not crying, so that’s a plus. Brenda brings up the fact that they weren’t invited to watch two David Hasselhoffs make asses of themselves in one night. He wants Jeff out, but she wants Jordan out. Let’s face it. Jeff is hotter, buffer, and way more likeable so he’s a threat to Brenda. Jordan’s prettier, richer, and real teethier than Boobs, so she’s a threat.

Dom goes up to talk to Boobs and asks Volvo to leave. I forgot Volvo was still here. I wonder if she gets that a lot. Dom lies down and assures Boobs that he wants to work with her, saying he trusts them way more than Jeff and Jordan. Boobs says that Adam isn’t making deals with Boobs, and Brendan walks in and Dom gives him the same speech. Brendan says he has to throw the veto so they can get rid of Adam, and Dom brags in the HOH that he’s fooled Boobdon only to shank them in the back three weeks later. Don’t count your chickens til you impregnate a hen, ya dick. Boobdon would be dumb to keep Dom, but they might all want Adam out just cuz they’re sick of cleaning up all the hair in the bathroom. Whoever wants evolution declared bogus needs to watch this show.

Now for some more Dicklet and Dom flirting. UGH. They’re like Moonlighting with terrible writers and zero mysteries solved. She says it’s a love hate relationship. He loves her and she hates him. Uh huh. Just like you hated your dad when you let him pay for your college. Jeff and Jordan watch them with the same interest they had for Same Name.

It’s pretty obvious that these two are fingerbanging each other under the covers, and that bothers Jeff. He hates dirty fingers and besides, he’s supposed to be in an alliance with Dicklet and she knows he wants Dom out. So this is already turning against Dicklet. Smooth! I will feel the worst for her if she gets booted soon, cuz Dick will never let her hear the end of it. Boobs scream whines that it’s time for the Veto comp. You can deny these people food, hot water, and contact with the outside world, but is it really right to deny them ear plugs?

Jeff and Jordan are picked to play, and Dicklet no likey. Boobs picks Volvo to be the host. Of course. I would be totally offended if I was Volvo, because Boobs liking her means she thinks she’s ugly. Later, Jeff and Jordon talk boners. They can’t do anything about that, so they move on to game. Neither one of them trusts Dicklet at this point, but Jordan realizes that if they keep Dom and he’s aligned with Dicklet, they can align with them and take everyone else out. Once again, Jordan, the dumbest one in the house, is also the smartest in her bizarre way.

Dicklet goes up to the HOH to dig for dirt. Yes, they spoke to Dom and convinced him to throw the Veto. She whines “WHYYYYY?!?!” They explain that if he wins, he’ll take himself off the block. HAHAH duh. Brendon asks if she wants Jeff out, and she says it’s an option, right? Man, very subtle, Dicklet. She says that when she talks to Boobdon it’s like talking to a mirror. A, that’s actually pretty accurate in the vapid mental state sense, and B, that’s more evidence that Dicklet has body dysmorphia. Like those anorexia PSAs where skeletons look in the mirror and see funhouse images of themselves with melty face and butt flab staring back.

Dicklet, visibly upset, says flat out that she wants them to backdoor Jeff and Jordan. She totally blew that one. Boobs, back to her infamous “Brendon and I’s game!” grammar, says that it’s pretty clear now that Dicklet’s just looking out for herself. Duh. The poop doesn’t land too far from the cornhole. When she leaves, Brendon confirms that Dicklet’s an a hole. Jeff and Jorndan come up, and Brendon tattle tales on Dicklet. Jeff says he sees the same thing, and takes his chance to fill their head with all his suspicions, which are all right. Boobs says that if Boobdon and J&J split up, they’re screwed and Dicklet is sitting pretty. Well, prettyish. Ok she’ll just be sitting.

You guys, how pissed would you be if you paid thousands of dollars for teeth only to find out they made your upper lip protrude and make it look like you have five o’ clock shadow?

Volvo’s hosting costume is a bikini and a bathrobe, which makes me fall to my knees and thank God that Adam wasn’t eligible to host this week. The backyard is set up like Boobs lying in the bathtub after one year of marriage.

LaWrong whips out his minstrel show style obvious narration, and I just put my head in my hands and apologize silently on his behalf to all black people everywhere.

I was like “DAT’S A LADY! A HAIRY LADY! A LADY WHO WAS ALL HAIRY! WHAT!?!? HOT TUB!”

Jordan tells us that hairy legs and gay people totally gross Jeff out, so she hopes that he can make it through. Jeff agrees, and says that girls have to have their legs and jayjays shaved at all times. I don’t really care whether or not a jay is shaved, as long as it’s covered.

They’ll be playing as individuals, and the goal is to pluck leg hairs that have letters on them. Then they have to make the longest word possible with the hairs. Adam shouts “Technotronics” over to Jeff. LOL! Jeff knows he’s screwed. He wants to rid himself of the technotronics curse, but the actual word was tectronics, which means he’s not gonna do too well in a reading competition, either. Even if it’s reading a word he made up. I hope every public school teacher in the country is watching this right now and bowing their heads in shame. If this isn’t an argument to cut teacher salaries and bust up teacher’s unions, I don’t know what is.

The Amrican Dreem

When they’re done, they have to press a click light from the Dollar Store. This show is cheaper than Volvo’s weekday rates.

Dumbinic boasts about his deal with Boofles, which includes him throwing the Veto competition. So. Fucking. Stupid. Adam refuses to throw it, which I like. I don’t have a lot of faith in him and I’d prefer him to keep his shirt on at all times, but I’m still rooting for him vs Dominic. The game starts, and Jordan is just happy to play with bubbles. Head slap. Boobs starts choking on suds. LOL, suds.

Brendon’s goal is to find i-n-g to make any word longer. HA. Jeff says that one time he got his eyebrows waxed and threaded and den hadda go to da Bears game da next day. LOL! You know, I get mad when Jeff says stupid ignorant things about gay people, but dammit I can’t help but like him. It helps that he lies around with his shirt pulled up so I can see his abs. Ugly homophobes, though? Watch out. I’m bout to brick your windshields.

Dominic just starts plucking hairs and throwing them randomly. Jordan can spell farting, but thinks it might be inappropriate. Adam thinks he has most of the letters for procrastination, and Boob’s goal word is Moisturizing. HA. Those are really long goal words, you guys. Maybe find letters and then make words?

Jeff finishes first, followed by Jordan. All Adam needs is a P for Procrastination, and he starts yelling “Where’s the pee in the pool?!?” I really want to like Adam. I just can’t. Jordan spelled Little over Farting, and “I’m ok with that.” HA. Dom spelled a nine letter word correctly. Standings. Wow. That’s throwing the competition?  In this crowd? Boobs spelled Mousturizing, and actually thinks she got it right. God this fucking show makes me so happy. Adam spells Fractions, and takes the lead because he beat Dom. But then Jeff redeems himself by spelling Expresses before Adam did. He takes the lead. Brendon wins with a 13 letter word! Wow. I didn’t know he had it in him. Understanding? Hm. I have none. Now Vasectomizing, there’s a 13 letter Brendon word I could get behind.

Just another day at the office.

Brendon brags and boasts and booyas and stuff. Adam is super nervous, but I think Dom should be more nervous. I always guess wrong, though, so pay me no mind. Dicklet nervously tans with Boobs. Boobs thinks maybe they should put up Lawrong and Sexless and the Pity. Dicklet says that’s pointless, and fights for backdooring Jeff or Jordan. She basically comes clean about teaming up with Dom and fights hard for him. She assures Boobs that Dicklet and Dom will be Boofles to the end.

Shelly and Dom hang in the padded cell. Dom feels safe, but makes sure he has Shelly on his side. Which he doesn’t. I love watching cocky guys get crushed, so I’m hoping his ass is out. He tells Shelly everything that he’s thinking, and she’s secretly pissed that he’s mentioning taking down Jeff and Jordan. His gossip girl ways are gonna sink his stupid ass. YAY! Of course, Shelly immediately goes to Jordan to tattle. Jordan isn’t surprised, and knows that Dicklet’s the ringleader. Jordan marches right upstairs to tell.

Brendon has a patch on his eye. He didn’t hurt himself, he’s just testing his vision. LOL. Boredom can be hilarious. At least no one’s making shapes out of their boogars yet. That’s probably what I would do. Shelly tells Boobdon what Dom said to her, and Jordan says that Dicklet’s right in the middle of it. Boobs is pissed that Dom made a separate deal against them again, and Boobs said they need to get out so that they can pretend they’re not gonna get rid of Dom. Shelly leaves, and Brendon assures Jordan that the plan is to get rid of Dom. They spend the rest of their time together seeing who can fart the loudest.

Jeff comes up later to talk to Brendon. Brendon tells Jeff all about the deal Dicklet wanted to make with Dom, Boobs and Brendon. He says Dicklet wants Jeff and Jordan out. Jeff is shocked that Dicklet would pull that card so soon, but not shocked that she’s an a hole. He wants Dom out first, then Dicklet. She’s no Dick, but no one has cigarette burns either, so I guess that’s not a poor thing.

The meeting is called, Brenda doesn’t use the veto. He goes on about how he’s standing behind his toilet lid toothed woman and that’s that. See ya Dom! Boobs rolls her head at the cameras and says that she’s done with Dicklet. Then Dicklet says she’s done with Boobdon. Oooooh! Thankfully, another twist is coming. I hope it’s Renny.

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