Big Brother: Shyster Shellster

Previously on Big Brother, Lawrong gained the super power of usurping Marcellas for the title of Dumbest House Guest Ever, by volunteering to be evicted and then appearing to not even try during his showdown with CBS’ America’s Choice returnee house guest, Sniffles.  I’m still not sure that Lawrong realized exactly what happened, even as he wandered through the Velvet Curtain of Death.  Either way, Boofles is back, everyone.  Brace yourselves.

“WHOO-EEE!  That went exactly as planned!  Is my super powers back here?  WHERE YOU AT, SUPER POWERS?!?  BAM!”

We color in with Boobs and Sniffles celebrating their reunion and thanking America, as we’re evidently a bunch of self-loathing, masochistic idiots.   See also: cheese in a can, Justin Beiber and the Fast and the Furious franchise.  Fat and the City is devastated, seeing that her already horrifically played HOH just got even worse as she’s paved the way for the apocalypse of a Boofles reunion.  Seriously, kill yourself now.  We won’t mind at all.  In fact, CBS will be thrilled that the electricity bill will go down as no one will be rummaging through the fridge every five seconds anymore.

Dicklet is understandably not happy as now her HOH was nearly as bad as FATC’s.  Jordan, on the other hand, is thrilled that she’s no longer on Boobs babysitting duty.  I like to think that Jordan’s hoarse voice is from her jamming her fingers in her ears and shouting “la la la NOT LISTENING!” all week whenever she was around Boobs.  Jeff is also happy, but from more of a strategic standpoint as his alliance now is another member strong and totally going to win HOH this week and evict Dicklet, Volvo or FATC.  Famous last words, Big Jeff.

Shelly pulls Boofles into the private lounge area, where the three of them, Jeff, Jordan, and Adam all jump up and down in a circle to celebrate Sniffles’ return.  Why the hell are Shelly and Adam so happy?  They do realize that they just lost a player who likely would have never targeted them for someone who would walk over their corpses for free gum, right?  They form what they call a “love circle”, which I can only assume is a fancy name for the circle jerks that Sniffles was planning to partake in when he thought he was getting released into the real world without Boobs watching his every move and getting all stupid about him wanting to stroke one out on the internet.  Girlfriends are such a drag, yo.

Shelly & Adam:  “Yay for our chances of winning this game diminishing even further!!!”

These celebrations are edited interchangeably with shots of Dicklet and FATC pouting in another bedroom, along with Volvo, who smiles blankly at their distress when not distracted by shiny objects.  FATC rants to the other girls that she cannot BELIEVE that America voted Sniffles back in and demanding to know what is wrong with us.  Way to continue to ingratiate yourself with the viewers, asshole.  I may not be happy with Sniffles’ return either, but I’m not trying to win a potential Favorite Juror prize.  Calling America stupid and then being a melodramatic twat is not the way to go about that.

Upset about Sniffles or just thinking about that time Dicklet didn’t save her the last Pringle — it’s anyone’s guess.

Boofles are given some alone time, which Boobs uses to straddle Sniffles and make most of us hurl and Sniffles-voters start to wonder how to get in the Witness Protection Program.  Boobs untangles herself from HER MAN and tells him that she overheard Shelly and Jordan talking the night before about Shelly having a final 3 deal with Jeff and Jordan.  We see the footage, and see that Shelly and Jordan are goddamn idiots as they held that conversation less than 2 feet away from Boobs — who was laying on the bed next to them, pretending to be asleep.  I know the BB house isn’t that big but REALLY guys?!  This is dumber than even my bargain basement expectations were set for you.  Sniffles stays calm as Boobs relates this and other (semi-accurate) tales, telling us that he won’t allow Shelly to wedge herself in between Boofles and Jeff/Jordan. Don’t worry buddy — the four of you will self destruct all on your own.

Meanwhile, Adam and Shelly meet in the kitchen to compare notes on how to make horrible game decisions.  Adam comes out swinging first, saying that it makes the most sense to team up with 2 established couples who will dump your ass faster than Tara Reid’s new husband will divorce her once he gets a look at her stomach.  Shelly enthusiastically agrees, pointing out that their side has the numbers and all they need to do is win HOH and get out Dicklet.  How has that worked out for you guys the last two weeks?

Time for the HOH competition!  They go into the backyard, where piles of crap representing each of their home states can be found.  This is the estimation game, where the house guests see what a small number of a certain item looks like, and they then how many of that same item is in a giant version.  Each round, the HG with the guess that’s the furthest away from the real total is eliminated.  Dicklet knows she needs to win, and immediately begins freaking out because she sucks at math.  She should calm down a bit once she looks around and realizes the intellectual capacity of her competitors.

Boobs:  “What the hell?!  Who told Big Brother they could raid my bedroom?!?  No one gets between me and MY Mardi Gras beads collection!”

The first item is Mardi Gras necklaces (Shelly, LA, now there’s a terrifying mental image) and Boobs guesses 2.5 times the true amount and is eliminated first.  She’s so stunned that her ass nearly misses the stool when she flounces over to the sidelines and plunks down.  LOL.  I would have paid to see her totally eat it there.  The next item is pepperonis (Jeff, IL).  Call me gross, but these gigantic pizzas look DELICIOUS!  I’m sure poor FATC was more excited about that pizza than when her imaginary friends call her Carrie Bradshaw.  And out is… Jordan!

Next is olives in a martini glass (Volvo, FL, who is predictably confused by the connection to Miami nightlife and not-so-predictably wishing it was alligators instead… what?!).  Out this round is Sniffles, who guesses a number slightly below Dicklet’s, keeping her safe.  Sniffles may know what a mediastinum is, but he sure as hell can’t estimate the number of olives in a glass.  How’s that PhD treating you now, douche?

That is followed by playing cards on a table (Boobs, NV).  And Jeff is out!  Jesus, guys, pull it together.  I may be in the minority here, but I was rooting for a vet because I like changes in power to keep things interesting and I don’t want to deal with Dicklet — and especially FATC — gloating for a third week in a row.  The fifth round is baseballs in two giant gloves (Adam, NJ).  And the pattern continues, with Shelly being eliminated this time for allegedly forgetting to double her estimate to account for both giant gloves.

Big leathery gloves…  I think I’ve finally pinpointed what Shelly’s face reminds me of.

And for the last round, it’s Adam versus Dicklet and Volvo (how the hell is she still there?).  The vets have all their hopes and dreams on the formerly (?) fat and hairy dude, and he’s excited about the prospect of doing something useful in this house for the first time all summer.  This round they need to guess the number of rivets on a rotating airplane propeller (Jordan, NC).  So can Adam pull it off?  OF COURSE NOT!  He’s out, making the Vets & Pets 0/6.  What a bunch of useless idiots.

In the final round, it’s the number of gold coins in a chest (Dicklet, Sniffles, FATC, CA).  Dicklet still wants to win because she knows deep down that Volvo is an easily manipulated idiot who cannot be trusted to withstand the pressure from the V & P six.  No need to worry, as Dicklet gets her wish and her second HOH win of the season!  She, Volvo and FATC celebrate, with Dicklet calmly telling us that she’s ready to turn the house upside down again, Volvo mimicking the reactions of her owners like the loyal golden retriever she is and FATC screeching at the top of her lungs and giving Sniffles a legitimate run for his money for my most hated house guest prize.

“There may not be a pole, but I can still swing my hips like any self-respecting luxurious VIP cocktail waitress with Daddy issues!”

On the other side of the spectrum, Boobs isn’t too upset yet, as she tells Sniffles that she thinks there’s a chance that they can make a deal with Dicklet based off of Dicklet and FATC being willing to work with her last week and keep her safe.  Her suggested nominee is Shelly, which Sniffles doesn’t seem t0o thrilled about but he doesn’t want to jeopardize his welcome home BJ, so he doesn’t say too much.

Later on, Dicklet and FATC cuddle in bed and discuss how they now trust Volvo, likely because the girl’s dimmer than an energy-saving lightbulb.  They trash Shelly for her Vets & Pets behavior, complaining that Shelly tried to wriggle into Sniffles’ ass next to Boobs upon Sniffles’ return.  Looks like getting Dicklet to nominate Shelly won’t be as hard as Boofles might have thought…

Time for a time-filler segment, in which Jeff makes Shelly pretend to interview Jordan for a new job.  Here’s what we learn: Jordan is confused when asked if a glass is half full or half empty.  Jordan is confused when asked if she’s pensive.  Jordan is confused when asked if she would party with coworkers.  Jordan is confused when asked what her greatest weakness is (telling time, math, conjugating verbs, interviewing… too many to choose from).  Jordan is confused when asked what a mentor is — and responds that she’s her own mentor.  Given how well this “interview” is going, the girl might want to rethink that particular strategy.  I hear Kate Gosselin doesn’t have a lot to do these days.

Jordan: “So you said you’d pay me six figures… that’s like $10,000, right?”
Shelly:  “Jordan, I think any employer would absolutely love to hire you.”

Adam goes up to HOH to plead his case to Dicklet (and FATC, who is up there too), us mercifully being sparred having to see Dicklet’s HOH room again.  He makes her an offer that she can absolutely refuse — by pledging not to nominate Dicklet next week if he wins HOH.  Adam has as much of a chance winning HOH next week as the person sleeping next to Boofles has of not rolling into sticky wet spots.  So very tempting.

Up next is Shelly, who asks Dicklet if Dicklet is frustrated with her as Dicklet seems a more standoffish than usual.  I always assumed that meant Dicklet would be holding a knife to your throat, but it turns out she’s capable of even fiercer scowls than her day to day look.  Dicklet admits that she’s not happy with the way Shelly went running to Sniffles when he returned, and Shelly weakly replies that she didn’t want to act like a total dick to him.  Well, true, but you didn’t need to participate in the circle jerk, either.  Shelly then changes tactics — for the worst — and says that she doesn’t feel cool enough to really hang out with Dicklet and FATC, and that she’s out of her element with them.  Seriously, THAT’s your strategy?  If anyone’s guilty of acting like the exclusive cool kids club, it’s Boofles and Shelly’s totally up their asses.  Plus, no one would ever mistake FATC for being cool.  She was totally on the speech team (after all, she IS a really speaker, you dirty racists) and on yearbook staff.

Dicklet apologizes for making Shelly feel uncomfortable, and Shelly backpedals frantically and then basically tells FATC to get the fuck out of the room so she can talk to Dicklet in private.  I love this but FATC’s “aw hell nah” face means that this will spell certain trouble for Shelly.  FATC leaves after a few more nasty looks, probably torn between being madder that Shelly kicked her out or that she got separated from the HOH basket she was presumably chowing down on yet again.  Once alone, Shelly begins kissing Dicklet’s ass, but Dicklet clearly isn’t having any of it.

“I’d ask my dad to use your face as an ashtray, but I think the sun has already done all the Donato dirty work.”

Downstairs, FATC has of course run to Volvo to whine about Shelly coming between her and her Fritos.  Shelly has apparently made it back downstairs and in her own room by now, which shares a wall with the room where FATC is bitching that Shelly has lied to everyone in the house.  Volvo wholeheartedly agrees with FATC, saying she’s glad that people are finally realizing “what a piece of shit” Shelly is.  Whoa, where did that come from??  Is Volvo again merely regurgitating the sentiments of her allies as she is not capable of original thought, or did I miss something here?

Shelly overhears the whole conversation and is PISSED.  She follows Volvo out into the kitchen and demands that Volvo say whatever she’s got to Shelly’s face instead of behind her back.  To give Volvo some credit, she might have been trying to avoid looking directly at it in deference to her eyesight.

Shelly starts losing her goddamn mind, telling us and Volvo/FATC that she’s been trying to take the moral highroad and she thinks it’s complete bullshit that she just got treated the way she got treated.  Umm, first of all, some stupid twats called you a bitch — who cares?  Calm the fuck down.  And second of all, they’re kind of right as your ENTIRE game is playing the ultimate floater by making deals with everyone and passing along information to both sides of the house.  There’s a word for that, and it’s called lying.  Constantly.  Through your teeth.  Volvo calmly replies that she thinks Shelly’s a liar because Boobs told her that Shelly was seeking out a final 3 deal with Boofles.  “Absolutely not!” Shelly wheezes through a cloud of indignant smoke.

Shelly:  “Hey guys, want to make a final 3 deal that I will apparently later forget, psychotically deny and then likely get sent home over despite having played a great game until that point?”

Now with all this backdrop, it’s time for Boofles to make their pitch.  Dicklet tells them straight up that she’s willing to keep them if they can give her a good reason.  Boofles suggest that they draw a private truce for at least a few weeks, so that a floater, oh horrors of horrors, doesn’t end up winning the game after the strong players take each out out.  Dicklet appears to be seriously considering the offer, even after she admits to them that she doesn’t trust them 100%.  Good call on that one.  That’s like trusting my cat not to drink out of my water glass after licking his ass.  A dangerous game that might make me seriously ill.

Nominations time!  For once, the HOH doesn’t seem to know what to do, as we see Dicklet sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the memory wall in complete confusion.  I had read that this nomination ceremony took significantly longer than they usually do, so her hesitation here is legit.  As for the potential nominees, Shelly is still retardedly angry, Adam admits that his game has been absolute shit so far this season, and Boobs hopes that Dicklet will drink some cat ass water.

Dicklet calls everyone back inside, and Shelly continues her one woman destruction show by muttering to Jordan through an attractive mouthful of food that Boobs thew them all under the bus to Dicklet and she hopes Boobs is nominated.  I hope Shelly learns to swallow before talking.  Nasty.  Dicklet begins pulling keys, and Adam and Shelly wind up being the nominees.  She tells them — in not so many words — that her real target is Sniffles and she didn’t nominate him because she wants to try to backdoor him by keeping him out of the POV competition.  However, she tells us in private that she’s okay with her nominations staying the same as it allows her to honor the deal with Sniffles without arousing suspicions of other house guests.  Adam is resolved to win the veto, but resolve has gotten him exactly jackshit so far this season so we’ll see how that goes.  As for Shelly, bitch has lost her goddamn mind, as she rants and sobs in the confessional that she is livid and Boobs and can’t even look at her.  Seriously, WTF.

“Aww, Buki, this is making me wet!”
“That’s because your Bartholin glands are producing lubrication, which I know because I’m a PhD.”

And that’s it for this episode!  Is anyone else confused and appalled by Shelly’s apparent mental breakdown?  I thought she was playing an awesome game so far and now she has a very good shot at meeting the Chenbot on Thursday.  Do you think Dicklet will honor her agreement with Boofles, and should she do so?  I hope not because I think she should not pass on the opportunity to get Sniffles out again should she be able to backdoor him.  And am I the only one tired of seeing Dicklet & Co. in power?

Thanks for reading guys and sorry for the late recap!  See you next time!