Big Brother: Spit, Swallow, Wallow

Previously on Big Brother:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

There’s nothing more I love this summer than Boob’s destroyed, sobbing, busted ass toilet lid toothed face. LOVE IT. Dicklet seems to, too. She’s all smiles as Boobs fake sobs to no one in particular. She broke up the lamest, saddest couple in the house because of their lying and general bs. Dicklet is now in the game without any beefcake to dry hump, and that’s just not cool. It’s her only tried and true weapon. Well, except for her deadbeat dad, and he left on his own accord.

Point is, Boobs is a wreck. She sobs at us about how Dicklet got rid of her man just to hurt her. Oh wah. Boobs is probably the type to take it personally when she doesn’t get a WALK sign the second she wants to cross a street. Actually, I shouldn’t be a hypocrite. I’m that type too. I take it as God telling me I’m on the wrong track. It’s one of the reasons I don’t walk anywhere.

So do you guys have any idea wtf I’m talking about so far? Me neither! Hopefully it will start making better sense to all of us soon. In the meantime:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

When did Boobs become an Event Hostess? That’s the first time I’ve noticed that. Was VIP cocktail waitressing getting too stressful? That must just be another way of saying stripper/whore. She probably leans into cars and asks old ugly dudes if she can “host their event.” Far fetched? Maybe. But less far fetched than the idea of her folding napkins.

Boobs vows to avenge her man while I giggle and giggle. As Boobs walks around the living room dry crying and begging for attention as everyone stands there awkwardly, LaWrong whips out his James Brown imitation to tell us it was time “Fo a stronga playa to GET OUT! HOT TUB!” It’s time to show these foos that he’s here to PLAY! So you’re gonna stop being the first or second out in every single competition? But you were just getting into a groove!

Boobs stands at the cast wall, and as Brendon’s picture turns grey, she cries in Japanese.

Dongdongedongeveryonehaaatesmeeedongadingdong

Kinda racist, Boobs, but I understand you’re hurting. Please don’t stop. Kalia Sex and the Saggy Titty screams and shouts cuz she’s so happy she’s HOH. Dicklet brags that Kalia is her protege. Aw. It’s nice to see that not all of her father’s delusional dickishness has escaped little Dicklet. She’s getting more and more confident in her assholishness, and it’s gonna be wonderful to watch it blossom into a sickly poisonous black flower. She’s already starting with telenovela villain shots.

Jeff whispers to Jordan that Volvo put him and Shelley up against each other in the HOH competition, which must mean that she’s on the other side. Volvo comes up to them immediately after the game and tells them that she is sorry and she was just super nervous and not thinking. Jeff doesn’t buy it, but how can you not believe that Volvo doesn’t think too good? Come on now. Just look at her.

She tells us that it really was a harmless mistake, but now maybe Kalia won’t put her on the block. Kalia goes to the pantry to make love to some Fig Newtons and celebrate her win, and Boobs decides to don a positive attitude and make herself the prettiest she’s looked all season.

That’s actually a great look for you.

Volvo wattles over to Dicklet and Kalia to make sure they believe she put Jeff and Shelley against each other to help them. They buy it and cheer and dance around. Volvo’s not as dumb as she looks. Wait. Never mind. Yes she is. But she’s really good at being less obnoxious than most. She also gains weight rapidly, so I feel like we’re sisters in a way. She just has a better job. And better skin. And hair. Meanwhile….

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Volvo goes to comfort Boobs in her padded cell, but she’s not so good at words. Jordan comes in, leaving Volvo the exit she needs to get back to her to do list of twirling her hair, eating twirlers, and staring at walls. Jordan tells Boobs that six weeks flies by and it wouldn’t have been good to win HOH this week anyway, because whoever gets evicted will have a chance to come back and ruin their lives. Boobs takes the pillow off her face, and Jordan runs out of the room screaming.

Jeff makes her go back so they can finish talking to Scary Boobs. They tell her that Volvo is obviously playing for the other side and they need to get rid of her. Boobs expresses no doubt, but as they tell her that the twist means that even if they get evicted they’ll have a chance to return, she decides to stop whining and buck up. Well that was a sweet way to make her stop crying, Jordan!! I would have just told her that sobbing makes her look like she’s wearing stage makeup to play a 70 year old.

Yikes

Speaking of bad community theater, I’d bet Kalia has done quite a bit of it.

There’s big trouble in River City? Shit. Not again.

Who wants to see Kalia’s HOH room?!?!!? Come on! Hey. You guys. Get up. Seriously it’s time. Ok would you come if I told you that you get to see Kalia half bald?

I knew you’d come in.

What in the hell has she done to her forehead to get away from the family picture look? I’m jeal!! I never believed in hair restoration til now. If there is a viable solution, why is Nic Cage walking around looking like Chucky? Kalia starts sobbing right away. Either cuz she’s happy to see the Little Debbie’s in the gift basket, or she’s mortified that her mother would send production that family picture. Either way, the tears are justified.

She sobs and sobs and says she can’t stand to be without her mommy. Jeff says it’s weird. HAH. Even Boobs is looking at her like she’s fucknuts craycray. Oh Jesus. Now Shelley’s ugly crying because she’s missing her daughter’s first day of school. That poor kid is probably psyched another year won’t begin with everyone asking why a half melted tofutti bar dropped her off.

Kalia settles into the room with Dicklet and a bottle of wine. She’s nervous about what she’ll say to people when they come try and talk her into not putting them up, and Dicklet tells her to just nod and let them spill their guts and backstab each other. If worse comes to worse, just make this face and they’ll leave and never come back.

Boobs is the first beggar to show up, and she whines about Brendon for a bit. Dicklet just sits there chomping her gum (while she drinks wine) and gives Boobs dirty looks. LOL. Boobs drops the sweet act for a second and asks her to leave. Boobs drivels on about how much she like respects like Kalia and like let’s make a deal but only cuz I like totally like respect you, and that’s like a big like deal ok? For Boobs to respect someone without giant saline sacks that slings drinks to rich people and blows old guys in alleys for a living is a giant step. You’re considered worthy of talking to without the VIP Cocktail title. Well, done, TRex and the City!

Kalia considers her offer of trading a week’s safety, but doesn’t trust her for a second. Still it’s fun watching Boobs fall all over herself pretending she’s a decent person and stuff. Boobs leaves with a big hug and putters out of the room muttering “respect” over and over.

Shelly’s the next one for the big talk. She’s smart. She doesn’t start trying to make deals and all that, she asks Kalia about what it’s like to be discriminated against. Oh lord. Cuz what else could you ask a black person? Kalia says that she has been discriminated against, and every time someone’s shocked at how well she speaks, it’s discrimination. Shelly answers with “well that’s what happened with Barak Obama, too.” I love that Shelly can relate so well to black people because she watched the elections on FOX. Kalia’s been through “a lot of things”, which makes her feel like she has to work harder than anyone else. I’m not saying I understand what it’s like to be a black woman (although I probably relate to black women more than anyone else on Earth), but everyone has to go through things. It’s called life sucks. Do you think it’s easy for Shelly walking around making her way in the world looking like the skin on the back of an old lady’s elbow?

Shelly tells us that she’s never talked to Kalia, and she thinks that she’ll be safe now that she’s let her moan on about good speech pattern racism. By the way, Kalia, people might be surprised that you talk well because of people like LaWrong, who live life as cartoon characters. Have this talk with him. PLEASE. Adam calls everyone into the living room to watch him strip off his elf costume.

You were hotter before.

The next scene is a wacky filler scene of Shelly trying to scare Kalia by sneaking under her while she’s sleeping on the hammock. Unfortunately, there’s no way to get under her, because Kalia loves food and can smell a cracker a mile away.

So, did absolutely NOTHING happen in the house this week? Jesus. Later, Kalia and Dicklet scheme. The plan for now is to put up Jeff and Boobs, telling Jeff that he’s not the target, and hoping to God he doesn’t freak out. Dicklet’s loving this plan, because she’ll get a week without blood on her hands. Still, as she puts it, “I’m ready to bathe in blood.” I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard a Donato say they’re ready to bathe.

I don’t get it. Why not put up Volvo? Do you really want Jeff after you? I’m thinking too hard about this game. Hey you guys, did you see that Oprah where women across the country were taught how to select the right bra? Kalia didn’t.

Time for the Have/Have Not Competition! The back yard is set up like a bar. I’m glad if they’re gonna slant a challenge to Volvo it’s one where she wins more food. I love nothing more than watching pretty skanks get fat. Adam is sure he’ll win cuz he likes Appletinis. If the challenge is embarrassing straight men, gay men, and women from the 90′s all at the same time, you’ve already won. Congrats! Don’t understand what’s happening? Then let’s check in with our narrator, LaWrong.

What?!?! It’s A BAR! I’M LIKE! A BAR! WHAT? GET YO DRINK ON! BAR! HOT TUB!

They have to blend nasty ingredients together and then guess what’s in them. For some reason, they have to be really smart for this challenge.

Jeff and LaWrong go up against each other first. LaWrong gets his first answer wrong. Because he’s LaWrong. He ends up getting a couple points though, you can tell cuz he’s screaming unintelligible gibberish. They tie, and as a tie breaker they have to chug on of Boob’s popped zits.

Chuggin! I’s chuggin stripper face poison! HOT TUB!

Jeff, used to protein shakes, wins handily. Poor LaWrong can’t even win when the challenge is swallowing a load. Shelley VS Volvo. Volvo puts onion in Shelley’s drink “cuz I don’t really know what onion tastes like?” Jeff tells Shelley that one of her ingredients is yams, but she doesn’t listen to him and Volvo beats her. Bad gameplay, Shelley. You never should have mixed penises and dollar bills up and expected a stripper not to guess correctly.

One for the vets, one for the noobs. Jordan is offended that Shelley didn’t listen to Jeff, which cracks me up for some reason. There are people in the world that don’t listen to Jeff? UPSIDE DOWN. Jordan faces off with Dicklet and almost barfs when she tastes her drink. Jordan answers David Hasselhoff for all her ingredients and she loses. The Noobs have won!! Jordan cries because she feels terrible that she lost it for her team. AW! They get to eat catfish and coconuts. Boobs is psyched cuz she loves catfish. I hate this new positive Boobs. You didn’t get your way, Boobs! SOB IN THE BUSHES!

Jordan goes to the padded cell to sob about winning, and then she gets pissed that LaWrong and Volvo do nothing and survive every week. Jordan gets on a soapbox about floaters, but she won her season by being carried by her man so I don’t know what the hell her deal is. I like her and don’t like to see her cry. I hope someone calls Brendon stupid or something so we can get this episode back on track.

I miss you already, sad Boobs!

Later, Kalia calls Shelly up to the HOH because she wants to be her game friend. Uh-oh. Shelly is gonna stab you!! Jordan and Jeff are hicks so she will always stick with them. It’s like the VIP Cocktail waitress bond. Birds of a feather and all that. Shelly says she wants to have a final three deal with Kalia and Dicklet, and as I yell LIIIIAR, she tells us that she’s lying her ass off. It’s like my Meemaw always said, never trust a badger wearing lipstick. It never made sense to me until now.

Kalia brings Jeff and Jordan up to the The Great American Buffet HOH to drop the news that Jeff is going on the block, but only cuz she knows he can win veto! That shit doesn’t fly, but it’s not Jeff to lose it, it’s Jordan! YAAAY! She tells Kalia that if she puts two strong players up and one of them comes back, she’s gonna have two strong people coming after her. Kalia argues that anyone can come back with a vengeance. Jordan stands and points and says she’s in a bad mood and she’s leaving, but if Kalia puts Jeff up instead of dead weight, she’s gonna pay. LOL! Damn! I don’t even know what to say. It’s like the first time you get punched by a baby.

Kalia thinks the storm has passed, but once she starts to try talking calmly to Jeff, he’s up and shouting that she’s a fucking idiot and now she has a target on her back. She whines that she thought she already was his target. He doesn’t deny it, but says “well now you KNOW you got da target on ya back!” HAHAHA. He goes on the floater rant, saying he doesn’t deserve to go up. So wait a second. There are two alliances: the Noobs and The Old People. You’re an Old Person, Kalia’s a Noob. Why the fuck don’t you deserve to go up?! There are only three of you left, and no one’s voting out Jordan. Suck it up, Big Boy!

She tries to talk him down, but he’s not hearing it. He tells her to crawl out of Dicklet’s ass, compliments her on her diction, and peaces out. Snapple: Angry Hot Guy flavor. Kalia tells us that she was sure of her nominations, but Jeff might have a point. Too late for that, sucka! You can’t back down now. Just stick with it and hope next week’s POV competition isn’t anything physical.

4 for Renny!

Nomination time! Jordan is still pissed, cuz she’s gonna go up every week. You’re on the wrong side (for the moment)! Deal. At the table, Dicklet, sour little face and all, shouts “really? Does she have to be sitting on my lap?!?” at Grodner. LOL, Dicklet! Boobs whines “I’m not! I’m sitting at the chair.” HAHAHAHAH.

Boobs inches away from her slowly and I pause to laugh. That made up for this entire lame ass hour. The Noobs are safe, then Dicklet, then Jordan. She doesn’t thank Kalia, but instead announces that her key might as well be left out because if someone wins veto she knows she’s up on the block. Duh. You’re not on Kalia’s side. I don’t know how many times I am going to say that, it’s just funny that these people are so confused how the game is played and it’s their second season of playing it.

Boobs and Jeff are both on the block. Kalia gives a speech about how she’s sick after the week of backstabbing and talking behind people’s backs. When was that? Cuz all we saw was your fat ass snoring on a hammock with Frito crumbs on your lips. She alludes to Jeff yelling at her, and says all those people that he pointed out in the HOH pictures didn’t only all have giant foreheads, they taught her to make her own decisions and this decision is hers. Jeff snickers loudly at that one.

When the ceremony is over, Boobs tells Dicklet “Well, what’s up, Dicklet?” and she sneers back “God you’re an idiot.” LOL! Jeff and Boobs are both pissed, but Boobs rolls her head and threatens to win the chance to come back and avenge her man and I so I like her clip best. Jeff goes on and on about how Kalia fucked up, but I still don’t see how. Of course you’re gonna piss people off when you put them up, but she’s supposed to put someone from her alliance up so Jeff doesn’t act like a bully? I’m glad she did it, especially when he calls her Big Kalia. Ouch. Yes, she could have put up Volvo, but this is way more fun.Still, I worry for Kalia. Dicklet is capable of winning competitions, but who else? You’re really gonna hope that LaWrong and Adam are gonna win something? EVER?

Sad horns

Thanks for being with me guys. Have a great week.

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