Big Brother: The Britney Show

My first live show of the season!  Bring it on, my sexy robot lover.

Julie Chen is not looking good tonight.  The olive green, the asymmetricalnecklace.  I can explain the look, however: she is leaving right after the live show and heading to an empty field, where she will play the part of a cannon in a large-scale Civil War reenactment.

The Chen will rise again!

It’s Day 34 in the Big Brother house, and Brendon and Rachel are STILL holding hands.  Have I mentioned that I’m sick of them?  Because: I’m sick of them.  No one wants to watch you make out.  I’m also sick of shouty, permanent frown sporting Hayden, whose chosen to wear his finest zebra shorts this evening.  Kristen?  Is still wearing her unitard.  I refuse to type the word “hippie-tard”, mostly because it makes me think of developmentally disabled kids from the seventies.

This is the worst American Apparel adversitement EVER.

Later, we’re going to find out who gets evicted, BUT FIRST!  Kristen tries to save her tye-dyed ass.  We color in right at the end of the veto ceremony, and Hayden is already Natalie-ing about how Britney “didn’t do what she was supposed to”, and that Britney “screwed” him, despite the fact that Boob City saw his lame trick coming a mile away.  Britney tells us that she couldn’t risk having Lane put up, because then the producers wouldn’t have anyone to parrot them.

Rachel admits to us in confessional that she told Britney she’d put up Lane so she wouldn’t use the veto, therefore ensuring that Kristen gets voted out.  Wow, devious!  Definitely a smarter play than I expect from the likes of Boob City.  I mean, I still think she’s annoying, but she gets a little tally mark on my mental chalkboard for that one.

Boring, stupid Kathy takes boring, hot Kristen to the bedroom so that they can pout together and drench the room in mascara.  Out of all the boring assholes in the house, Kathy is the most boring, asshol-iest one there.  What is the point of Kathy, you guys?  I mean, WHY is Kathy, you know?  Just…she is the worst.

So…as you can tell, we are at the point in the season when I come to the realization that I hate just about everyone.  Everyone on this show is just the suckiest this year.  Well, except for Britney, of course.  Call me!

Kristen starts to whine about how she has to campaign against the person she cares about the most, and I’m just going to pretend she’s not talking anymore.  I mean, do any of you care about her or Hayden?  Because they can both GTFO.

Not a good look, crying in that getup.  You look like a clown from a third-world country.

In the backyard, Hayden approaches Brendon and Rachel, who tell him that he has Brendon’s vote to stay.  Hayden is, shockingly, able to do simple math here, figuring out that the votes of Brendon plus The Brigade mean that he has no reason to campaign.  Or, in Hayden speak, “I HAVE NO REASON TO CAMPAIGN!”

Meanwhile, Britney’s doing what she does best, which is to talk shit about other people and stir the pot while being completely adorable and wonderful in every conceivable way.   She tells Enzo about Rachel’s threat to put Lane up, and Ezno gets super pissed off and swears vengeance while Britney smiles and twiddles her thumbs like Mr. Burns.  “They’d better grow eyes in the back of their heads, because The Brigade is coming after them!” Enzo threatens in confessional.  The Brigade will, as always, accomplish this by nominating two people who are not Brendon and Rachel and then standing around moaning about how they can never catch a break.

Kristen and Hayden lay around and whine about how everyone’s against them, because this is The Season Of Couples Lying Around And Whining About How Everyone’s Against Them.  Shut! Up! Both of you! “Looking at Hayden is really hard because I have to campaign against him,” Kristen whines in the confessional.  I’m guessing Hayden’s actually hard to look at because of this face:

Just saying.

Up in the HOH Room, Britney and Matt sit around mocking Rachel.  Matt is wearing the douchiest footie pajamas ever, by the way.

Did the dude forget that he was ON TV?  In West Hollywood, this is fine, though.

I mean, for real:take a look at that photo.  Matt is wearing Rachel’s policewoman hat, in addition to footie pajamas.  That alone would be unacceptable, but also the footie pajamas have skulls all over them.  There are no words for the extent of his toolishness.  I guess I’ll have to make one up.  Um….castrulific. You’re welcome, Webster’s.

Britney gets the hilarious idea to put on Rachel’s nasty red hair extensions; she parades around the room striking poses and shouting “Vegas! Tequila!” in Rachel’s annoying Janelle Impersonator voice.  It is, as with everything Britney does, completely awesome and hilarious.

We all know who the REAL hero is this season.

While all this is going on, Rachel approaches the HOH room and catches Britney mid-mock.  Because Britney represents everything that is right with the world and knows exactly what to do in any given situation, she pulls Rachel into the joke, showing off her Rachel impression and making her laugh along with the joke.  Britney does call Rachel “clueless” for laughing at herself, even though being able to laugh at how ridiculous one is a positive trait, even in Boob City. But forget I said anything criticizing her, because Britney: IS THE BEST.

Later that day The Brigade works out together in the back yard while Kristen watches.  It turns out that someone has finally figured out that these four are hanging out a little too much; unfortunately, that person is Kristen.  She takes this information to Ragan(of all people), and his response is basically, “That’s nice, but I’m still voting your ass out, so take it to someone else.” Good on Kristen for figuring this out, even though she wears high waisted pants like a Human Fire Hydrant.

“You know, it’s that thing, where midgets, wear the red pants, and the big assssssss…”

She takes this information to Britney, who also declines to do anything with it because none of these people really want to win, apparently.  How has no one put together a counter-alliance yet?  It’s not like these guys are hiding their alliance well.  Oh wait, I know: everyone hates Brendon and Rachel, so they’re too busy working on getting them out to do anythingelse.  Yet again, Boob City makes everything boring.

After the commercial, it’s time to talk to the houseguests!.  After telling Kristen that she’s “lookin’ groovy”, Julie asks Hayden whether he’s sorry he didn’t keep the unitard.  Hayden’s all “I’M SORRY THAT I DIDN’T TRADE IT FOR FIVE GRAND.  CAN YOU HEAR ME IN THAT TINY BOX, JULIE CHEN’S HEAD?  I THINK I SHOULD SPEAK UP.”

Julie makes the error of giving Jen (and her red unitard) from Season 8 a shout out, reminding us all of the halcyon days of when we had stuff like cigarette burns and producer manipulation to complain about, instead of just being super bored three times a week.

Julie asks Britney (who looks straight up gorgeous this evening) to name the most annoying roommate.  So what does Britney do?  She tells Julie that Ragan is the most annoying, because he farts all the time, and they smell really bad.  This is a thing that Britney did on live TV.  Needless to say, Ragan is super embarassed. .

But!  It gets better!  Julie asks Ragan to defend himself, and he says the following: “Every fart in this house has come from Britney’s legs.”  Yes yes y’all, Ragan just told America that Britney was a chronic queefer on national television.  This show is truly groundbreaking in so, so many ways.

Ragan, you are truly breaking down barriers.

Chenbot shuts the conversation down, mostly because she’s not entirely sure what’s goingon.  She also awkwardly segues into a segment introducing us to Hayden’s mom, who showcases yet another photograph of Hayden’s impressive mullet.

Renea  (Hayden’s mom) is pretty sure that Kristen isn’t really into him that much, and that the showmance has “derailed his game”.  You’re derailing his game by throwing salt on it, moms!  Let a man get creepy in private.  With millions of people watching, I mean.

Meanwhile, Kristen’s friends watch the show nestled in a rowhouse from Season 3 of The Wire.

Watch out for Omar!

Kristen’s friends watch her make out with Hayden on an old school analog television. Leighanne tells us that Hayden is “hot”, which she probably thinks because she’s watching him on that bootleg TV.

Everyone’s hot when they’re blurry, Leighanne. I mean, look at what happened to Renee Zellweger’s career after the advent of High Definition.

Leighannealso drops the bomb that Kristen has a boyfriend.  GASP!  (Snore.)  We meet him.  His name is Steve, and he was dumb enough to think that dating Kristen for a whole two months would keep her faithful for an entire summer.  He watches her make out with Hayden and makes disgusted faces, telling us that Hayden is “a 24 year old kid” and he’s 31.  This is significant, for some reason.  By the way, I just checked, and Kristen? Also 24.  Steve declaresthat their relationship is over, and the editors helpfully flip the chryon over from “Kristen’s Boyfriend” to “Kristen’s EX-Boyfriend.”  Good for them, they’re probably bored too.

Time to talk to Rachel in the HOH room.  Julie asks Rachel whether she has any plans to pull another peroninto her alliance with Brendon.  Rachel says that they have plans to pull Britney in; there’s a short cut to Britney, looking shocked.  I think it’s stock footage.  Either way, that’s a dumb idea that Britney will never go for, because she’s not playing for third place.  Pull a pair of people in, Rachel; no one wants to go with you and Brendon, because they know they’ll get dropped at the end.  Anyway, the fact that Rachel even thinks this is possible shows you how well Britney’s playing the game right now.

Julie has noticed that Rachel seems to be targeting women; is this a strategy?  Rachel says that she’s not going after women specifically, but that they happen to be the people that have come after her.  She does admit to being threatened by them, however, so at least she knows her psyche is a little screwed up.    They ask who’s next on Rachel’s hitlist, and she says Matt.  Julie asks Rachel about her relationship with Brendon, and I fall asleep because NO ONE CARES ANYMORE.  Cram it, show.

SO BORED

Time to vote, finally.  In his final words, Hayden says that he won’t throw anyone under the bus (what?), and that unfortunately for Kristen and him, some people don’t have any class.  You know what?  It’s so trashy to be like “some people are so classless” when everyone knows exactly who you’re talking about.  Don’t be passive agressive, douche.  Just say Rachel’s name.  You’re already on the block, what difference does it make?

Kristen does the exact same thing, whining about how “some people” are cowards, and that she’s done nothing but play with her heart.  Actually, you were playing with your reproductive organs; that’s why you’re about to get evicted.  You may also want to avoid taking the “I’m just being vulnerable” road when you’re cheating 0n your boyfriend in front of millions.

Enzo votes Kristen; boring Kathy cries as she votes to evict Hayden.  I think I hate her the most. The standings change from minute to minute though, so I’ll keep you posted.  Matt votes for Kristen, and so does Lane; I’m surprised Lane doesn’t have to be told what to say word for word. (Leaderboard update: I hate Lane the most.) Ragan votes to evict Kristen, and that’s it for her.  Brendon and Britney both vote to evict her too, I guess for good measure.  On her way out, Kristen gives everyone a hug and manages not to cry.

Damn, Rachel is just knocking fools out.  I mean, she is annoying as shit, but good for her, you know?  She won’t last another two weeks, but still: nicely done.

And now Kristen has to do her eviction interview in her tye-died unitard and wig.  Since Kristen got approximately three minutes of screen time before this week, Julie doesn’t have too much to ask her.  After some lame questions about Hayden, Julie gets to the juicy part: Kristen’s goodbye video.  Matt showcases his knowledge of Big Brother trivia, noting that people who wear costumes always get evicted and shouting out Casey and Lydia.  Was Lydia wearing a costume when she was evicted (besides the elaborate costume that is her personality, I mean)?

And then Boob City goes absolutely NUTS.  “Kristen, you are the definition of the word bitch,” she leads off.  “How dare you come between me and my man?” she continues, barely even making sense.  How did Kristen do that, exactly?  No matter.  Rachel wraps up by calling her a “triflin’ ho” which illicits an audible gasp from the audience, mostly because they haven’t heard anyone use the word “triflin” since roughly 2003.  Wait, when was that song “Bills Bills Bills” popular?  That is the year of which I speak.

“You good for nothin’ type of brother.”

Julie wraps up by asking whether Kristen is going to try to get back with her boyfriend or stay with Hayden, and Kristen gives a non-commitalanswer about how she needs some time to herself to figure that out.  And so Kristen leaves our world as she enters it: boring, and sportingridiculous clothing. Bye!

HOH competition time!  Before we start, Julie points out that the Super Mario question mark is back up in the HOH room; they’re calling it ”Pandora’s Box” again.  Apparently the HOH will be offered some sort of power, and if they accept, they’ll unleash a new Saboteur into the house.  America has voted for the new Saboteur, and that person is Ragan, shockingly.  That’s surprising!  I was expecting Brendon to be a lock, honestly.

But plenty of time for that later.  For now, it’s time for another endurance competition!  The houseguests are strapped to a giant paint can, which is going to spin, of course.  That alone is not going to be fun.  Julie announces that the first person to fall off of the paint can will be the one and only Have Not for the week. (Kathy’s brain: “Oh, shit.”) “Houseguests, it looks like you’re in serious need of a touch up!” Julie announces gleefully right before paint absolutely BLASTS the houseguests.  Seriously, I think it’s shot out of a potato gun or something.  The velocity is impressive.

But there’s more!  Julie makes a bad pun, and then a giant paintbrush flies in and starts slapping the houseguests in the face, coating them with paint.  It looks both painful and ridiculous.  Classy!  Tune in on Sunday to see who wins.  Or look online, whatever.