Tonight on Big Brother, we pretend for 45 minutes that Shelly has a chance of surviving the week before getting cockteased with yet another To Be Continued HOH competition! Um, yay?
Also — Sniffles: Face Pubes Edition.
Chenbot greets us wearing a simple red dress with a specially designed flap for easy access to her internal wiring. Any malfunctions and you can just spread her open. Les knows what I’m talking about. She rehashes the events of the last week, leaving out any icky mentions of death threats and FCC complaints. Instead, she tells us that Shelly isn’t going to go down without a fight. I think some men may fight with Shelly to keep her from going down. I’m pretty sure your wiener would fall off after going into that cancer hole.
We color in after the POV ceremony, with Shelly and Adam both saying that they’ve gotta kiss Jordan and Boobs’ asses in order to stay in the house. We then join the remaining vets in the DR, where they’re trying — and failing miserably — to recreate the type of funny and charming joint DR sessions of Chilltown yore. Jordan does a particularly wretched Boobs impression when she announces that double trouble is back, but Boobs isn’t going to let anyone come between her and HER title as most annoying houseguest, so she dubs them Jorchel. I prefer Joobs. Make sure you remember to enunciate that “b” at the end before Mel Gibson gets all excited.
Volvo’s still upset with herself for opening Pandora’s Box, and that she was forced to nominate Shelly and Adam after Boobs used the POV and her and Jordan. “A trained monkey could have done my job,” Volvo laments. Yes, and maybe with even less ass scratching. Shelly, of course, is the most upset and she retreats to the purple lounge by herself to ponder how awful she is. While sitting there, she hears that creepy Fortune Teller machine in the corner move, so she gets up to investigate. I gotta admit that if that had happened to me, I would have done my best Kevin McCallister and run screaming for holy hell.
Is it just me, or is Shelly looking a little rougher than usual this episode?
Shelly pushes a button on the machine, and starts channeling Lawrong by babbling to us about super powers! BAM! She messes around with the damn thing for three hours, with no results. Okay, so that was pointless? Not to mention creepy, with that little laugh at the end. First Boobs, then this. Thanks for the nightmares, BB.
Later on, Shelly meets alone with Boobs to try to get her vote. She claims again that she will protect Joobs, whereas Adam will not. Boobs looks unimpressed and tells Shelly that while she respects Shelly’s gameplay more than Adam’s — who is busy inside seeing if he can cram a sandwich the size of his fist in his mouth — she doesn’t trust Shelly not to nominate her next week. Shelly acts all indignant at that likely true prediction, and starts insisting that she trade Boobs her diamond ring in exchange for Boobs’ vote. Take it easy, Monty Hall. Boobs tells us, “I’m not going to take your ring, lady. I don’t want your stupid ring.” Something about the way she calls Shelly “lady” is hilarious, like Shelly is some cracked out homeless person on the street trying to sell you an old piss-covered McDonald’s cup. Shelly then offers up an ear, which is likely in danger of rotting off any day now anyway, so why not? Despite these tempting offers, Boobs stays strong and tells Shelly that she’s a manipulative, backstabbing bitch, but probably has been playing the best game in the house. Well, yeah, until she totally got called out on all her shit. That wasn’t the best gaming ever.
Shelly somehow interprets Boobs’ comment that Shelly has the best game in the house as encouraging, which makes no sense because such allegedly superior game play makes her even more of a target than she was as just a run of the mill antichrist. She then tells us that the ring she was offering to Boobs is a fake, as it is a “copy” of the real ring. Who has fake copies of their real jewelry? Excuse me while I put on my fake Rolex instead of my real Rolex, which I TOTALLY OWN. What an idiot. And what a missed opportunity with Boobs — we all know how much she loves fake things. Right now two of them are staring Shelly in the face.
Boobs then goes to talk to Jordan about possibly keeping Shelly in the house. Adam walks in right at that moment, and he makes his pitch by saying that he’s been true to them (when convenient) and if they save him, he’ll owe them (when convenient). Overall, I’d say it’s safer to keep Adam as Shelly will 100% turn on you whereas Adam will stay on your side as long as you remain in power. Boobs definitely seems more receptive to Adam’s speech than she did to Shelly’s.
“If we keep you, you’ll have to continue trying to ignore my crop of mouth zits. Are you sure you’re strong enough?”
And now back to Shelly, this time with both Boobs and Jordan. Boobs reads off the cue cards that she’s considering keeping Shelly because she thinks that Shelly’s presence may keep the target off of her and Jordan. There’s no way she’s that stupid to actually believe that line, and frankly I’m a little insulted that the producers think that we are that stupid ourselves. Shelly begs for Jordan’s forgiveness, and Jordan points out that she’s got no reason to believe that Shelly won’t turn on her again. Anyone else surprised that Jordan managed to articulate “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” without getting confused with the counting involved? Shelly insists that she’s with them 100%, and Jordan asks if Shelly’s ever thrown a competition. Shelly claims that she only threw the very first HOH of the season, but we see flashback to Shelly throwing the Zingbot POV just two weeks ago. Jordan lets her walk away without further comment, but here’s a little live feed insight — in reality, Jordan specifically asked Shelly about the Zingbot competition, and Shelly swore on her husband and daughter’s lives that she did not throw that competition. When Shelly left, Jordan told Boobs that Shelly just lied as Shelly had previously admitted to Jordan that Shelly threw that competition. Whoops!
Anyway, back to what CBS chooses to show us, Boobs tells Jordan that the argument to keep Shelly is that Fat and the City and Volvo don’t like Shelly, so it makes sense to keep Shelly as Shelly is an enemy of Joobs’ enemies. I still can’t believe that Boobs would ever truly think that FATC and Volvo would go after Shelly over Boobs, so I suspect the DR put her up to this discussion. Jordan whines that she doesn’t know what to do, and the producers end the segment, trying to convince us that the decision is up in the air. Yeah right.
Things that Jordan considers to be up in the air: the pronunciation of mischievous, the meaning of “quarter to” an hour, and whether Santa Claus exists. Things that Jordan do not consider to be up in the air: the spelling of definatly, that the Tooth Fairy exists, and voting out Shelly.
Chenbot chats with the house guests, and first asks Jordan what it’s like having been partnered with Boobs all week. The answer should be “awesome!” because if she wasn’t partnered with Boobs, her ass would likely be going home right now. Instead, Jordan stupidly answers that Boobs is a handful, entertaining and never boring “so to speak”. So basically, she called Boobs a crazy fucking bitch in Jordanspeak. Boobs understands some veiled insults when she hears them, and fake giggles and protests “I saved us!” while murder dances in her eyes. Sleep with one eye open tonight, Jordo.
After asking FATC what she thought about Volvo opening Pandora’s Box (the answer was not “Thank God for making my first HOH look slightly less retarded by comparison”), Chenbot asks Shelly about her rough week in the house. Shelly babbles that hurting Jordan was the hardest part of the week, and launches into a long-winded and obvious ploy for Jordan’s vote. Something tells me it’s not working.
“Stupid fucking twat.”
“Y’all is she done yet? I gots to drop the kids off at the pool (that means poop!)”
Finally, Chenbot asks Adam what it’s like to be the worst Big Brother contestant ever the only man in the house. He makes a somewhat funny joke about how Chenbot should be asking the ladies about being surrounded by all this sexy, but then says he’s used to hanging out with groups of women and just wishes he had an appletini and 90210. Congratulations that after 8 weeks, you’ve got nothing more interesting to say than you did on day 1.
Chenbot then segues to Jury House footage! First, we join Sniffles, who is loving this opportunity to figure out his best masturbation poses in the mirror for when he gets webcam access back. He’s also been working out wearing flip flops, studying (he’s a PhD candidate, you know), juicing oranges in case there’s a scurvy outbreak, and working on his best Forrest Gump impression.
“I wish Lieutenant Dan was here!”
He wants Boobs to show up for a fuckfest (gag) or Dicklet because of bad karma. He’s excited to see Dicklet (she might give him input on those poses), and they sit down to watch her DVD. Dicklet comments that she’s not used to being a loser like Sniffles, which she says in reference to being in the Jury House but really goes much broader than that. Afterwards, they discuss who they want to see join them on the jury, and Dicklet says Adam because he’s not playing the game for himself. Okay, there are a lot of reasons for wanting Adam’s useless ass out (okay, really just that one, but that’s a huge reason), but then Dicklet should want her entire alliance out based on the same logic. Hell, Volvo SAID that she wasn’t using the POV because that’s what Dicklet would want!
Jeff walks in and Dicklet is thrilled, trilling “shooooocker!” then “karrrrma!” Shut uuuuup! As Jeff recounts how he got evicted, Dicklet cheers and claps, saying that she loves her alliance. Jeff looks like he’d like to punch her, and Sniffles reminds the gloating Dicklet that had Dicklet stuck with the vets, the odds are that 3 of them wouldn’t be standing around this kitchen. She laughs and says “bitter, party of 3!” Bitter or not, he’s right and your ass is in the Jury House, babe. What are you so happy about? They watch Jeff’s DVD, and Dicklet continues being pretty obnoxious with the gloating. And Sniffles is supposedly the bitter one here? The DVD gets the POV competition, and Jeff sees that he threw one of his clown shoes out of the ball pit. He whines about it for what seems like forever, whereas his abrupt goodbye to Jordan barely gets a passing mention. Eh, he’ll see her plenty once the game ends. It’s not like they’ve been dating for two years and still live in different sta– oh, wait.
“Mayor of Jury Town, huh? That’s not the same thing as like… Headmaster of Hogwarts, is it?”
Chenbot joins Volvo in the HOH room, whose rapidly changing facial expressions while she waits for Chenbot to turn on the TV indicates that she is very entertained by the voices in her head tonight. I especially like the random sexy face she makes:
“I call this one ‘Slip Me an Extra $50 and I’ll Blow You Under the Table… Okay, fine, $10.’”
Volvo tells Chenbot that she regrets opening PB, but backtracks and says that she received $5,000, it wasn’t so bad. The Bot asks about Joobs’ attempt to make a final 4 deal with her and FATC, and Volvo astutely answers that the deal was suggested before PB and the nominations, so who the hell knows if it’s still on (it’s not, honey). Finally, Chenbot asks Volvo who she wants to sit next to in the finals, and she says she doesn’t really care as long as it’s a newbie because she thinks she can beat any of them. I actually agree with her on that one. FATC would be the toughest competition, but I think Volvo can beat her especially because I think Volvo will likely win more competitions than FATC between now and the final.
After a mild Chenbot articulation malfunction, it’s time to vote! Shelly speaks first, and the thanks her family and I’m sure they thank her for the death threats in return. She then turns to Joobs, and calls them the most important people in the room. She begs them to vote for her because she is 100% with them and the other people can’t say that. FATC mugs for the camera with a bunch of affronted faces, and for once I agree with her. FATC has a vote too, and just a few days ago Shelly was acting like FATC/Volvo’s best friend. The speech is a bit rude. Then again, that might be Shelly’s intention — by trying to make Boobs think that Shelly has now pissed FATC off enough that she will be the target moving forward instead of Boobs. As for Volvo, she’s either in shock or busy practicing another facial expression.
This must be her blank “What Do You Mean, ‘Blowing Customers for Money is Prostitution’?” face.
Adam’s speech is much simpler, in that he asks them to “hit the snooze button” and let his game go on a bit longer. All Adam’s been doing all summer is hitting the snooze button, so I wonder if there’s intentional irony in his choice of words. Probably not — it is Adam we’re talking about. He doesn’t make any direct pleas to Joobs but instead speaks generally to the group and manages to be as innocuous and boring as ever.
Voting! FATC is up first, and after repeatedly pulling her dress out of her ass crack, she snarkily says that while it evidently doesn’t count, she votes to evict Adam. Boobs is next and she looks really torn but votes to evict Shelly (much to the delight of the studio audience, judging by the stifled cheers). Unsurprisingly, Jordan follows Boobs’ lead and also votes to evict Shelly, making it official. Yay? We’re out an awful person but we’re stuck with Adam. Yippee?
Chenbot delivers the news, and Shelly hugs everyone goodbye graciously before joining Chenbot in the studio. Chenbot asks why Shelly turned on Jeff and Jordan so early, and Shelly responds that she had to take advantage of the opportunity that the fast forward gave her. I completely agree, and she would have gotten away with it had Pandora’s Box not coincidentally popped up this week. However, she admits that it was an “early big dumb move” that she regrets and says that she wants to apologize to Jeff once she gets in the Jury House. Good luck getting that out before he strangles you. As for the goodbye messages, Adam, Volvo and FATC leave kiss-ass, vote seeking messages, while Boobs says they didn’t need Shelly’s motherly advice and she can’t hear it anymore “because guess what? You’re evicted!” Hahaha — and that’s one of Boobs’ nicer messages. Jordan’s message plays last and is heavily edited, but basically she says that she’s still hurt and betrayed by Shelly’s actions, and then something random about respecting her “elders” which is equally funny, rude and a lie judging by Jordan’s meltdown earlier this week. I don’t think dropping f-bombs and screaming “you lie! you lie!” is the utmost in respect. So goodbye, Shelly. You may have been awful lately but thanks for playing a huge part in keeping things interesting!
HOH time! And it’s physical, so Adam and FATC are screwed. Let the BB favoritism allegations commence! Basically, the house guests need to make their way across a pit filled with a thick syrupy substance while on their hands and knees (Boobs has such a big advantage from her experience being in that position), as there are two giant obstacles hanging over the pit making it impossible to stand. On the other side of the yard, there is a table of plastic doughnuts. The house guests will each collect one doughnut at a time, bring it back through the pit, and place it on their stand, thereby scoring a point. They will have 13 minutes to see who can collect the most doughnuts. I would make the easy “too bad for Adam and FATC it’s not a doughnut eating contest” joke, but I wouldn’t count Boobs out of that one, either. She’ll definitely a puke, rally, and keep eating through your own vomit kind of girl. And I mean that as a compliment.
Dude, Adam’s totally going to die. And here I thought that it would be Boobs who would drown in an abundance of sticky, clear fluid.
The competition begins, and Boobs takes an early lead and FATC takes an early nap last place slot. They’re all trying, especially Jordan’s exposed ass cheeks, but this looks hard and exhausting. We won’t finish this HOH during tonight’s show. Way too many To Be Continueds this season. Lame. Chenbot tells us that we’ll see the conclusion of HOH and nominations on Sunday, along with a Pandora’s Box with a celebrity twist. There’s already rampant Internet speculation on that one, but I won’t repeat it here out of potential spoiler respect. She then reveals that next Wednesday will be a “special (pretaped) eviction episode” in addition to Thursday’s live eviction episode. Hold on to your favorite effigy — we’re almost there!
<Whistling innocently> What? I didn’t say anything.
So what did you guys think? Did Joobs make the right decision to vote out Shelly? What was with that fortune teller? Was Dicklet’s gloating rubbing anyone else the wrong way? You LOST. SHUT UP. And who do you want to see win HOH? I’m on Team Boobs, God help me.
This is my last regular recap of the Big Brother season, but I’ll see all you guys for the finale. Thanks for reading!
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