Big Brother: The Old, the New, and the Redreads

Schoonie, Flipit and LoLo here for another season of Big Brother! Today we’ll be taking a look at the new Houseguests and the possible retreads coming back for the BIG TWIST! Will Evel Dick be back to burn strippers with cigarettes? Has Jesse given enough oral to Alison Grodner to get back on our damn screens again? And WHERE’S BRITNEY? First, let’s go over the newbies.

Adam

LoLo: This “music inventory manager” evidently loves playing in a ZZ Top tribute band when he’s not busy restocking CDs at Best Buy.  I’m trying to be open minded, but he lists Evel Dick, Ronnie and Rachel as some of his favorite players.  If that’s not a douchebag warning sign, I don’t know what is.  His strategy is to be well-liked by everyone so he’s not viewed as a threat.  Snore.  Floaters, grab your life vests!  Right, Boobs?

Schoonie: Adam calls himself a “Heavy Metal Teddy Bear” in his introduction video, which would win the title for Worst Band Name Ever.  He also seems to know that he’s destined to be the first person kicked out.  Yeah, I’m going to have to agree with that.  He’s going to do something creepy during the first week, with that beard of his, and he’ll be booted right out.  Also, people named “Adam” tend to go to jail after appearing on this show, so maybe that’s for the best.

Flipit: Sorry to start this season out with blatant gayness, but this dude looks like an extra from Cruisin’, the movie where Al Pacino went undercover in the gay leather S&M scene and we were treated to images of big hairy dudes putting Crisco on their fists. I saw that movie way too young with a cousin who told me when I saw Adam’s type to run or I would have their forearm up my bum. Adam doesn’t seem too scary yet, though. He likes Broadway shows and is afraid of large barking dogs, so I’m expecting a lot of big hairy guy squeals.

Cassi

Schoonie: Cassi looks just like Olivia Wilde, which is more than okay with me.  She also seems weirdly down-to-earth in her video, which is disconcerting for a girl of her general attractiveness level.  She also mentions that Dan (who won the awesome season ten) is her favorite player ever, and I’m more than okay with that.  So, the verdict is: we will see.

LoLo: The ubiquitous model, and yes, as nearly everyone has already pointed out, Olivia Wilde’s doppleganger.  Better to look like 13 than House.  From reading her bio, I can’t tell if I’m going to really like or really hate this girl.  She seems like one of the smarter houseguests (congrats on being the least retarded) which makes me hopeful that she’ll be able to manipulate and make some big moves.  But she also talks about how she loves to sit around with men and drink beer, which translates to me as that she’s super competitive and catty and can’t get along with other women.  I hope she’s good for at least a couple screaming fights before the other women toss her out.

Flipit: Occupation: Model. Favorite activities: Having beers with men. Motto: Suck all you can out of life. If she becomes famous: Exploit it to the fullest! Um….was Camille Grammer busy or what? This girl talks about how pretty and nice she is a lot. I have a feeling other girls hate her. Her plan is to “fly under the radar”. In other words, meet the boring inept bimbo of the season who will most likely blow someone on night cam.

Dominic

Flipit: He talks about how funny and wonderful he is, which makes me hate him. Other than himself, he loves motorcycles and mountain bikes because “I love the rush of flying on land.” That’s called jumping, but arguing with BB grammar isn’t my forte. His greatest fear is STDs, but his dream gadget in the house would be his iPod so he can listen to JLo. Can you get STDs from a fist? This could be interesting.

You two should get along well.

Schoonie: Dominic?  He likes ENZO.  He talks at length in his video about how hilarious Enzo is, and you guys know what that means: pre-show Dead To Me.  Also and indicator that this guy clearly has no sense of humor.

LoLo: Talk about a baby face.  What are you, 12?  Has this guy even sprouted pubes yet?  And he seems way too normal and level headed in his bio.  What is the fun in that?  I like my BB houseguests emotionally and mentally unhinged.  Dominic says that the only thing that he’s scared of is STDs.  Clearly, the Big Brother house will be a three-month edition of Fear Factor for him.  If Boogie’s in the house, count on Dominic to spend most of his time in the fetal position.

Kalia

Schoonie: Kalia is this year’s Libra, but with better hair.  She also bags on Erika from All-Stars in her video for no real reason, which is pretty hilarious.  Also, doesn’t Erika work in casting for Big Brother?  Seems like biting the hand that, uh…tosses you into a pool of raw sewage.

LoLo: God I hope this woman wins just so she can use the money towards buying a functional bra.  Your tits are not supposed to reach your knees at age 30, and put those glass cutters away!  I’m already dreading watching her in some of the more physical competitions.  Besides that, it appears that Kalia will be a handful as she calls herself “gregarious” and “dramatic” and insists that she’ll be at the end because everyone loves her.  Loving motorboating and loving you are not the same thing, dear.

Flipit: Kalia finds people who can describe themselves in three words boring. I find people who describe themselves as “gregarious” assholes. That’s not a BB approved word, Kalia. You’re confusing America! She doesn’t have a strategy, because everyone loves her so she doesn’t need one. She also mentions that she just became financially independent at 30 years old. Man, parenting is really expensive these days. I have a feeling this girl’s got parents who have brainwashed her into thinking she shines like a little diamond. I love seeing people like that get into the real world and realize their parents are liars.

Keith

LoLo: Ugh, the only eye candy this season just has to be the resident Bible thumper.  Hopefully he’ll pull an Ollie and start banging some slutty chick to keep things interesting.  He’s definitely got the potential, as Mr. Pious himself says one of his mottos is “Work all day, grind all night!”  I’m sure God LOVES that one.  It’s the forgotten 11th Commandment:  “Thou shalt rub thy penis against the crotch of thy neighbor to the beat of ‘Back That Ass Up.”

Flipit: Usually there’s a sentence or two to pull from an interview to showcase the a-holishness of a person, but this guy fills the whole page with it. His three self describing adjectives are “charming, adorable and kiss ass”, he calls people “human capital”, and his strategy? “I’m going to use my HR charm to get people to trust and love me …I’ll have the women swooning over me and the guys wanting to be on my team.” UGH. HR Charm is an oxymoron. His plan if he wins the cash? Become an actor! ASSHOLE ALERT! Keith, I’m so glad you’re here.

Schoonie: Keith is planning on forming an alliance called “Keith’s Angels”, consisting of himself and three girls.  He’s also planning on seducing one of those girls and turning it into a showmance.  I’ll tell you how that’s going to end: with HPV, and also with him getting his ass kicked out halfway through the season.  Another choice quote: “I’m not opposed to using the HOH position to my advantage.  If a girl comes to talk to me when I’m HOH and asks if there’s anything she can do, I’m going to be like ‘Come talk to Santa.  Come sit in my lap.”

Lawon

Flipit: Describes himself as handsomexy, which is bad enough, but then, in parenthesis, he explains what he means so we’ll get it. Ready? Handsome and sexy combined. I think his nickname will be “Neither”. He hates bad hygiene, roaches, and mirrors, because they keep arguing with his defining adjectives. He’s an ex fatty and doesn’t want to shut up about it any time soon. I hope this year slop is made out of cake batter and pig ass.

Schoonie: Lawon is Poor Man’s Marcellas.  PMM tells us that his fashion is going to be “fierce” in the house.  I guess this means we can look forward to seeing the same three outfits over and over again, but instead of seeing him in collegiate t-shirts, he’ll be in a pair of yellow suede pants.

LoLo: Okay, Lawon’s forehead is the shiny object that’s going to distract Porsche.  Goddamn, they should install another hidden camera behind that thing since it’s as functional of a mirror as anything else in that house.  When not wondering what happened to his hairline, Lawon enjoys making up words like “Handsomexy” and “handsomefied” because he’s a huge “asshatoolio.”  His “gift of gab” is going to drive me nuts, just you wait.  In the meantime, feel free to ask Lawon to move a little to the left so you can check if you have lipstick on your teeth.

Porsche

Schoonie: She’s named Porsche, you guys.

LoLo: Definitely appears to be a butterface.  You know this one is going to be PISSED when she sees that she’s not the hottest girl in the house.  Heh heh can’t wait.  This girl sounds even dumber than the average Big Brother houseguest, and that’s really impressive.  And sad.  Very sad.  Exhibit A — she thought that Gnatalie’s age lie was, like, a super awesome idea you guys!  The only thing dumber than Gnat’s lie is thinking that Gnat’s lie was a good idea.  Expect a lot of prancing around in bikinis and getting distracted by shiny objects.

Flipit: She’s a VIP cocktail waitress (stripper), her hobby is clubbing, and her fave houseguest is Gnatalie. Need I say more? Porsche is actually a perfect name for her, because whenever I see one on the road it’s being driven by a fat old guy trying to prove himself. I’d imagine that’s usually the type that rides this hooker, too.

Taylor

LoLo: Shelly, Shelly, Shelly, why did you battle with the Weed Wacker right before posing for this picture?  Maybe I’m not giving her enough credit — maybe the hair is her strategy to distract us from the rest of her outfit.  I tried to find something interesting from Shelly’s bio to write about but I fell asleep sometime after she said that she and her family “like to ride bikes and scooters and swim a lot” and sometime before she said that she is most proud of her daughter because “every smile, every hug, every word… she is part of her daddy and me.”  Thank you, Shelly, for the future bathroom breaks that your screen time will enable.

Flipit: Calling it now. Shelly is my fave. She’s 41, she loves Super Mario, and her hobby is “collecting all the junk mail, then saving it, and then putting all of it in a postage paid junk mail envelope to send back to one of the senders.” HERO. If she wins she plans on walking into Saint Jude Hospital and giving it to kids with cancer or whatever. Yes, she’s a Pollyanna, but those are always my favorite cuz you get to watch the world rain down shit on their heads. I can stay calm through the happyhappyjoyjoy cuz I know in the end, Polly gets hit by a car.

Schoonie: Shelly seems like she might actually be sort of cool.  I’m going to guess that she’ll be the person I end up rooting for, since she seems to be not awful, which is like seeing a unicorn on this show.  She does call Big Brother “the greatest human experiment out there”, which seems like kind of a stretch, given the existence of Paradise Hotel.

Dream Picks for Returning Houseguests

We already know the options for the returning HGs, but we can still dream, right?

Schoonie: Okay, now let’s talk about some dream picks for who I’d like to see come back into the house.  Since they have to be pairs of people, I’ll restrict myself to that.  My first choice would obviously be Britney and Lane, so that I can spend another summer enjoying Britney’s totally rad bitchiness and hilarious facial expressions.  Lane’s just the cost of having Britney around, really: since all he does is repeat what the producers tell him to, he’s mostly harmless.  I also wouldn’t mind seeing Jeff and Jordan again.  They’re pretty great; I don’t really need to tell you why.  Third choice would have to be Renny and Keesha, because Renny and Keesha are the best.  WHO WANTS CAKE?

LoLo: My dream returning duo is Dr. Will and Mike Boogie.  I LOVE Dr. Will.  As in, “he may want to get a restraining order” love him.  I would be thrilled to watch him again all summer. He’s one of the best, if not THE best, reality TV show contestants ever, across all shows.  And while I do think Boogie is a disgusting little shit, he’s a funny disgusting little shit.  Brrrrng brrrng!  That being said, I highly doubt they’ll return because these two actual have real, successful lives outside this show.  Damn you both for not being washed up pathetic has-beens like any other respectable Big Brother alum!

Flipit: I just want Renny. PLEASE GOD.

Nightmare Picks for Returning Houseguests

Flipit: The Dicks! Got I hate them. Dick is a hideous piece of human garbage, and Dicklet banged my boyfriend Nick. Hey did you guys see his wiener on the internet?!?!

Why this isn’t an iPhone ad yet is beyond me.

LoLo: My nightmare returning due is HAYDEN and Enzo.  These two were just on last summer, and they bring nothing to the table.  They have no strategy, they’re not funny, they’re not interesting… they’re just there wasting my time and sucking up 2 slots that could have gone to more deserving people.  Also, since I’m pretty sure that Brenchel (or as I like to call them, Boofles) is coming back into the game, I don’t want to see two BB12 duos.  As much as I despise Jesse and feel like I need to shower every time I see Gnat, I’d rather have a duo like them that tries to play the game return.

Schoonie: My nightmare picks (a.k.a. what will probably happen because Alison Grodner hates my ass):  Look.  Everyone knows that Dick and Daniele are fated to return to the place where they were spawned, every couple of years, like the locust.  I’ve already dealt with the fact that I’m going to have to put up with his white trashiness all summer.  I just hope he can go the whole time without threatening to anally rape any of the women.  Man, he is just delightful!  And her?  I’m going to save that for when the season actually starts.  We will, very clearly, also be sentenced to another summer of looking up Natalie’s nostrils.  And Jessie will be there, but we’re going to ignore him completely and pretend he’s not around, which will be fun!  The third couple with either be Brendan and Rachel (an awful idea) or Will and Mike (Will: awesome, Mike: the worst).  So, of the six people likely to return, I have a 50% chance of not disliking ONE of the six with the fire of a thousand suns.  But who knows?  Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised and we’ll get Jordan and Jeff.  HAHAHA just kidding: the people who make this show hate you.

Big Brother comes back to CBS this Thursday night! TVgasm will be bringing next day recaps and Chooch’s coverage of the live feeds. We will also be doing a weekly podcast on elimination night! Come on over Thursday at 9PM Pacific Time for our first Live Podgasm. Nads, bBitz and Flipit will be watching the show as it airs and you can come on and chat with us. We’d love to talk to you. Also, Schoonie, LoLo and Flipit will be doing a three way blog of the premiere episode and live tweeting at 6PM Pacific Time. If you want to follow the tweets, join us @tvgasm on Twitter! If facebook is more your thing, we will be posting all feed update links, recaps, podgasms etc on the TVgasm Big Brother Page on the ole fb so send us a like, won’t ya?