Big Brother: The Penny Riots of 2010

When I am on Sunday Big Brother duty, I like to set the DVR early so I can check out some Andy Rooney action. It’s only been a couple of weeks and damn! That mofo got some major surgery.

Wow, Andy! Lookin good, girl!

Or maybe he’s taking…

Finally, a drug for fat guys afraid of kayaking.

That dog looks like it’s ready to sink or swim at any second.

The point is, BRING BACK MY ANDY! How the hell am I gonna get through this night without my monologue about buttons? Or stoplights? Or stamps? Damn you, CBS!

I guess we should check out what’s going on over in the Big Brother house right now. Previously, Gaygan fought the hard fight fighting like a fighter and talked to us like we are five year olds. Then he got booted. But not before showing off his impressive wide open throat skills to all the bears back in WeHo just in case things didn’t go his way.

Mama’s comin’ home, boys! Hang the slings and wrap those twinkies!

Before we get back to the HOH competition we were left hanging on this Thursday, the editors decide to show us PussyPussy knocking Gaygan out of the way and making him scream like a little girl with her pigtails caught in the car door. This shot can not be replayed too many times.

LOL

As the credits roll and we see all the HGs who have been kicked off this year, I think damn. How did this all go by so fast? I was supposed to lose fifty pounds this summer! I was supposed to get a job! I was supposed to get a boyfriend! I would cry if I didn’t think tears would spoil the Little Caesar’s sitting in front of me. Ah well. There’s always next summer. Or the next. If I haven’t died of a heart attack. Or loneliness. Or joblessness. Sad horns. Let’s start over. Gaygan’s a fighter. Moving on.

We open on the HOH competition the last episode cut out on. It’s Christmas and PussyPussy, Britney, and HAYDEN are trying to finagle balls through holes in the wall. Gaygan must be kicking himself watching this one. Finally, a glory hole challenge and he’s stuck hugging Boob City and swallowing his bile while Sheriff Mascara talks about CANCER over in the jury house.

Lame is pissed that he can’t play in this competition cuz he might go on the block. Oh hon, you’re up. You put both of your team members up last week over the cute blonde girl. Brit says that she’s all alone in this competition. Ugh don’t you start. We had to hear Gaygan say that like twenty thousand times last week. Brit tries to cry about Gaygan’s exit but she is partly at fault for that so no tears will come out. PussyPussy talks all big and stuff in his cartoon Jersey Shore imitation voice. The best thing in his diary room boasting is the shot they show of the awkward hug he shared with Gaygan.

Aw shit I gotta get tested now.

I don’t pay attention to Pussy much , but I can give him one compliment tonight. He’s wearing sleeves.

The back of that couch thanks you.

It’s not looking good for Britney in this HOH competition. She keeps busting all the balls. By the time she finally gets one in the hole, HAY has five in. He says he really learned to finesse balls from his baseball team. Hey, I saw that movie! Then it starts snowing. Lame is confused that Santa hasn’t shown up yet.

I shouldn’t have shot at him last year. But his eyes were glowing in the trees. His own damn fault.

PussyPussy is confused that it’s ninety degrees outside but it’s snowing. When he finds out that people are at home watching what he’s doing on tiny little boxes with electricity in them he’s gonna be fuckin floored. Brit’s so far behind that the Big Brother clown music is playing. I hope you’re proud of yourself, Britney. You’ve become Sheila. Meanwhile, Lame complains that “Christmas ornament” is too big a word for him. This is gonna be a long week.

Don’t be a deeick Deeick!

Britney makes a ball busting joke, which makes my ball busting joke even hackier. That’s quite a feat. Pussy says that he’s hearing so many pops coming from her station that he feels like he’s near Newark. LOL. Keepin’ Jersey proud, line by line. Britney actually takes the lead over Pussy toward the end, but HAY’s still way ahead. The pressure starts getting to HAY and he drops a few ornaments, but he would need to slip into a coma to lose this one. Still, there’s ad space to sell in this hour so let’s keep watching! Or not. FF. HAY wins!!

Pussy admits that he can’t win dick, but he’s planning on riding HAY’s wave anyway so who cares? Brit? CRIES. UGH!!! I love public crying when it’s done by really annoying boys. But girls? Come on sister! You’re supposed to be representing all the super negative sarcastic cute girls of the world! Listen to some Fergie, take a nap, and don’t come back onto my TV until you’ve GROWN A PAIR. And…commercial.

Good. I needed the break. I hope there’s an electronics ad with a grown woman singing like a five year old girl to jack in the box music. There is! If I passed these two I would flick water on them and watch them fry.

Sorry I spoiled your Pat Conroy on your fancy machines! Hope it was worth it!

We’re back. Pussy’s boasting to the Duhgade:

“Brahs! We’ve won, like, four competitions in a row!”

Crickets.

AMMI RIGHT?!?

christmasornamentsornamentschristmchristjesus?christ_mas?jesus?or na men?jesusormenitsagaything

Pussy always looks so guilty. Like he knows he’s only won one thing and he had to hit a girl to do it. In truth, he’s won twice. He also won that team luxury challenge way back in the day. So he won against a screaming Gaygan and he won a chance to see a chick flick worthy of ad time on BB. Poor Guy. He’s never living this show down back at home. Unless he wins the whole thing. Which he just might. No one endorses ineptitude as fervently as Alison Grodner.

Pussy’s not gonna let his reputation go down without a fight. Instantly, he’s in used car salesman mode. He came up with the name the Duhgade, he’s the one who masterminded the whole thing from the beginning, he’s the one….

Wait. I wanna disregard Pussy because…well he’s just the kind of person I normally disregard. I can’t help but cringe as he waves his cracker rap hand in the air wearing his Timberlake hat shouting at me in his Accents for Actors voice…but he’s totally right. He did bond with the guys right away and get the Duhgade alliance going, and in each nomination he’s stayed clear of getting his hands dirty by losing a lot but still bossed whoever was in power around. It wasn’t the most original idea in the world, but it worked and it got him far. So if you wanna take a second and get your tricep flab all over the back of that couch, do it. You’ve earned it buddy.

Britney cries in the DR and says that she doesn’t wanna be the outsider weirdo that naps all day and cries into their pillow.

Then might I suggest not being an outsider weirdo that naps all day and cries into their pillow? That’s pretty much the only solution I see. She’s cute and I’m sad for her. I guess. For making it to the FINAL FOUR. Get over it! Clean out the pantry and think of ways to win the Veto.

Not having this, Britney. Not. Having. This. MAN UP.

Why isn’t she putting Visene drops in their water? Why isn’t she chipping away at their souls slowly with her snide little judgments? For crying out loud woman. You’re not even in a bikini! Make an effort here!

Like Sheriff Mascara and Dicklet made a baby with Mark Ruffalo. Most disturbing film of the summer.

Let’s see HAY’s HOH room! Maybe we’ll find that stash of blue shirts he and Lane have hidden.

Britney wahs about not being HOH and sucks her thumb. HAY has pictures of his family and his favorite Mountain Dew poster.

His dad! Just like him. The men in this family are insistent that everyone they cross focus on their upper row of teeth.

Pussy is of course already chomping on Twizzlers. Jeeze man calm down! You have time to leech of someone else’s success again this week. Savor it. Lane is disgusted that HAY has so many hair products in his basket. LOL. He gets a form letter from his parents, and we’re out of there. Short and sweet.

Let’s move to the back yard and watch Lame try to figure out how to turn on the gas grill. Where he’s from you start a Thrifty Nickel on fire and throw in some gas until your Hot Pockets are black enough to eat. He can’t get a flame going, and Britney warns him that he’s gonna burn his face off. Meanwhile, Britney’s vagina starves to death and tries to eat cotton to stay alive.

Cotton: The Fabric of Our Hungry Vaginas

Lane can’t get it going, so HAY comes around to help. They fix it like we all fix a grill. They hit it, turn the gas on higher, and wait for shit that you paid for to just work. And it works! It takes some of Lane’s pubic hair in the process, but the grill’s cooking one of the wieners Brit’s been whining about in no time. I’m gonna say this right now: MOST. EXCITING. EPISODE. IN 12 SEASONS. You heard it here first.

The kitchen table shrinks! Now the HGs can be closer together to do nothing. Remember when the table was so big?

Stephen Hawking said there’s no God. Discuss.

Lame tries to remember what his chances are of making it to the end. He’s doing that pretend dumb thing again. I can’t tell if he’s trying to cover for really being dumb or if he’s just trying to be the next Jessica Simpson. That act sure got her far.

Brit is no longer crying and says that no matter what happens it’s awesome that she’s almost at the end. YAY finally thank you. HAY says that he’s the best competitor by far so he has to make sure that he stays there because someone will off him so they don’t have to sit with him in the final two. He talks to Lane for awhile in the kitchen. Mostly about the color blue and how it’s different from, say, aqua. They’re gonna work as hard as they need to to ensure that they are both wearing the exact same shade as the cabinets by the end of the season.

Also, they promise to take each other to the final two. But what to do about Pussy? At this point in the game, pretty much the only way to win is through challenges. And that guy sucks bawls at those. Later, he mopes about that to HAY. HAY says he needs to win soon so he can take HAY to the final two. HAY assures us that he’s gonna play any angle he can, and he tells Pussy that he will let him win the Veto. So Pussy will have one group shit luxe team challenge that involved a potato sack/clown car theme, a challenge that involved hitting a girl, and a challenge that was handed to him. He jumps at the offer. You can always get to a man in a Justin Timberlake hat through his vanity. That was extremely not stupid of HAY.

CBS? Has a really fucked up sense of humor.

Time for a Luxury Competition that’s worth 10 grand! Lane says it’s enough for beer and muscle milk. I’d like to think Gaygan would have said the same thing if he was here. RIP. Each of them gets a coin to hide in the house. Finding someone’s coin gets that person eliminated. The person who hides their coin the best wins. PussyPussy raps that he got his nickname for a reason yo. He doesn’t end with a rhyme. Why doesn’t he ever end with rhymes? Other than that, he’s totally a hip young man in his twenties with hair and streed cred.

Wiggy wiggy

 

Pussy hides his coin behind some super classy Big Brother Interiors artwork.

And then he loses his hand and Grodner laughs evilly over the sound system.

Hayden hides his penny in a box of cereal. Lane puts his in the recycling bin, and takes about two and a half minutes to explain why. Brit hides hers in a gunk covered cereal box in the trash can. The horn blows and they ransack the house. When HAY opens the trash, Brit looks terrified. LOL. Smoooooooth. HAY takes the trash outside to go through it, and everyone else stays in and ransacks the house. I hope whoever wins springs for a maid, cuz that shit’s nasty.

HAY admires the wall art and Pussy mutters “Hayden’s mop head keeps walkin around my wall”. HAHAHA. And Pussy find’s Hayden’s coin! There ya go! I take back everything I said about you. Except the stuff about embarrassing New Jersey, and Justin Timberlake, and white people. He’s knocked HAY out, so thanks for the SHOUT relief, however temporary. Brit gets Lane’s mind off the game for a sec…

…and Pussy gets him focused again. And most likely totally grossed out.

Lots and lots of time passes and no one finds a coin. You can’t stop staring at Pussy’s ass can you? Sorry for that. Truly I am. Lane says it’s the game is taking so long it’s like waiting for a Harry Potter movie to end. A War and Peace reference, 2010 style. Pussy and Lane investigate the trash a little more, but they still don’t find Britney’s coin. She finds Pussy’s though. LLB! He’s out, but just in case they give out points for the most cartoonish guido stereotypes later…

Holy manicotti mama mia!

 

Now it’s only Lane and Britney. She pulls out her weapon: her whine. “Come on Lane! I haven’t won nothin!! WAAAAHHHHH!!!” He doesn’t tell her where he hid his, and she finds it! HOLLER! Pussy, taking it like a man, raps in the DR about a spoiled white girl who just won a ticket to da jury da jury house wiggy wiggy. Then a killer mushroom comes in and he jumps on it, scoring five hundred points. Ravioli pizza pahla!

Clip of everyone sleeping all day. Britney decides to entertain us…with a pillow fight. This is just WACKY! FF. Later, Brit talks to Lane in the HOH about how she doesn’t even know if she’s been dumped by her fiance. You’re way hotter than him, I’m sure he’ll forgive you. She asks “am I sluttish?” By Big Brother standards you’re the Virgin Mary. But not holy. Or brunette. Or Jesus’ mom. Tinkly romantic music plays as
Lane tries to talk Britney into being with him. Well, in his way. First he says it’s obvious she likes girly men. HAHAH. Brit is honest and says she basically wants a guy to tell her how pretty she is all day. Lane calls her hot, but she wants more poetry. He says he doesn’t like number puzzles and when they’re together, she’ll do some shots, wear bikinis, and STFU.

HAY and Pussy have some grosser flirting going on, talking about how they need to rid the town of women.

They smell.

Pussy will be totes embarrassed if Brit wins this thing. I could tell you more of what they said, but this happened.

A gift of faceless soft porn.

HAY jokes that since Lane kept Britney in the game, they should get rid of Lane. Giggle giggle serious music NO MORE GIGGLING. Dundunduuuuuuhn. Pussy likes this because there’s no telling who she would take, but they know that it’s two against one either way instead of each man for himself in a three man scenario. The chink in the plan shows itself when they start talking about that small matter of blowing through the competitions against Britney. Hayden, maybe. Pussy? No. They don’t get that far in their planning, though. Pussy doesn’t even have to talk any more because he’s got this sewn up. If there’s someone that no one is afraid of competing against, it’s Pussy. It’s heroic. In a pussy kind of a way.

Now there’s some dick in a satellite TV ad asking me why pay for kids channels if you don’t have kids?

Don’t judge me. iCarly is very well written OKAY BITCH?

Guys it’s like 3:30 AM and this recap is thirty seven pages long. Just thought I’d write that down. Back from break. Brit and HAY lie in bed and watch the monitors. Brit knows POV is the only thing that matters this week, and HAY is sure to slip in there that she won 10 grand. She doesn’t let him power trip too much. Glad you guys are getting nap time in. He’s gonna put up Lane, duh. The guy obvs has an alliance with Britney, as he showed you twice last week. And….he does. Lane and Brit are up. I hope the veto has something to do with making cutting remarks about the stupidity of the remaining HGs. LLB!! I can’t believe that entire episode was throwing trash around, taking naps, and a pillow fight. Thanks, CBS!

Happy Labor day, foos, and don’t forget to support the fight against breast cancer and blue balls.