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Previously on Big Brother, Dicklet seized control during an HOH competition that played right to her bony strengths and did America a favor by nominating Boofles. Tonight it’s the POV competition — and I have the (dis)honor of recapping all the inevitable Boofles ridiculousness. As bad as this is going to be, odds are high that we’ll be rid of one of the gruesome twosome by tomorrow night. No pain, no gain, right?
Okay, blindingly painful…
We color in after the nomination ceremony, with Sniffles already pledging to win the POV and pull Boobs off the block. Dicklet tells us that Sniffles is the target, and I would agree that he’s the bigger threat at this point. I also like him less than Boobs (most of the time…), so I’d rather see him out than her. That opinion is subject to change though, so we’ll check back in once she begins her hysteria. Dicklet pats herself on the back a bit for not being too chickenshit to make a big move in the house. Nominating Boofles is a big move, and hopefully not one that comes back to bite Dicklet in the ass. Whoever thought that she’d be the one I’m rooting for at this point?
Boobs sheds some legitimate tears in the DR, mangling Dicklet’s “you drew the first sword” nomination speech snafu even further by blubbering about how she’s going to draw Excalibur on Dicklet.
“You hear that Daniele? I’m going to go all Excalibur on your ass! And I mean the sword, not the casino. Although I might mean the casino too, because that’s in Vegas, and after all, I AM VEGAS!”
Boofles retreats to the Have Not room, with Boobs remaining surprisingly calm and already looking ahead to the POV. Jeff and Jordan join them, claiming to be shocked by the nominations — despite having made a deal with Dicklet. WormLips (Shelly) joins the party, and they discuss how Dicklet will likely nominate Jeff if someone comes off the block, and how Dicklet’s an idiot for waging war with just Fat and the City (Kalia) in her alliance. Sniffles displays his rare sweet side by telling Boobs not to worry if he goes home — they’re going to be married for two months give or take the rest of their lives! Everyone takes this as the cue to leave, and then the sexytime Boofles music begins playing as they cuddle. Oh god, make it stop. Make it stop! Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!
And here ladies and gentlemen is why I nicknamed Brendon “Sniffles” instead of something like “Brendum” “NeanderTAL” or “Omgifuckinghateyousomuch” — Brendon sobbing in the DR about losing his best friend. Surprisingly, he is not referring to a turtle stuffed animal he carried around for the first week or so in the house (can’t make this shit up). He tells us that should he win the POV, he will use it on her so that he goes out trying to protect her. Aww that’s kinda cute… quick, do something douchey to right the balance in the world. Ah here we go — Sniffles pointing out that Boobs has a big heart in her “mediastinum” and explaining that he knows that because he’s a PhD student. “I know,” she whimpers, clearly used to this line of logic. “Rachel, you should do my laundry before you start the dishes, which I know because I’m a PhD student.” “Rachel, the internet is full of lies and fake penis videos, which I know because I’m a PhD student.” “Rachel, sticking your finger in my butt while blowing me is completely normal, which I know because I’m a PhD student.”
More crying and — VOMIT — straddling ensues, with Sniffles reassuring Boobs that one day he’s going to make a hell of a lot more money than half a million dollars. After all, he’s going to “invent something that’s going to help cure cancer.” Wamber’s got a better shot at that modeling career than Sniffles has at curing cancer. That is, unless he annoys it out of someone’s body. That might be an example of the cure being worse than the disease, though. Mercifully, we switch over to Jeff and Jordan, discussing how Jordan should be the replacement nominee rather than Jeff, as she’d be safer hanging out on the block than him. You know people don’t respect your gameplay when you’re the only former winner in the house and absolutely no one views you as a threat. Unless you’re behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. That I would assume is downright terrifying. “Jeeeeeeff! Hold the wheel while I make those “Ls” with my hands to figure out which way’s left!”
Dicklet decides to waste her time with damage control with Boobs, giving one of the least sincere apologies I’ve ever heard. And this includes the time my parents turned my childhood bedroom into an office for my mother. Dicklet says it’s not personal (read: it’s personal), which Boobs quietly scoffs at with only a few passive aggressive comments. Seems like someone’s afraid of the Donato wrath. Boobs then bitches to us in the DR that Dicklet is “soooo coming after Brendon and I!” Ugh. What did grammar ever do to Boobs that makes her want to rape it repeatedly? It must have tried to come between her and her man.
“Forget hooking up words and phrases and clauses — I want me some of that Brendon fella. Rarrrr!”
Dicklet announces that it’s time to pick players for the POV. She draws Jeff, Boobs draws Adam, and Sniffles draws Volvo (Porsche… I swear, this person exists). Boofles is excited about Adam and Volvo, as Adam isn’t a threat to win the POV and Volvo might be manipulated into using it on one of them. Boobs is extra excited about “the excellent chance to keep either myself or Brendon in the game this week.” Wait, does she think that they both might go home? Please, no one enlighten her. Dicklet is excited about Jeff because she knows he’ll be fighting hard to win to keep his and Jordan’s asses safe. I’m excited to see other people than Boofles, J/J and Dicklet on my TV screen.
Jeff and Jordan briefly reconvene to discuss how Boobs is a moron if she thinks that Jeff would use the POV should he win, and how Jeff wants to backdoor Dicklet since Jordan won’t let him get it in next week if the opportunity presents itself.
Time for the POV competition! Oh and look, our host Lawrong has a new toy!
“WHOO-EEE! Where’s New York at?! Did somebody just spit?! That you, Pumkin?! Flaaaava Flav! BAM!”
The POV is a collection of 5 mini competitions held thus far in the house. Each competitor has to bid on how long they think it will take them to complete each mini competition. The competitor with the lowest bid time has to put up or shut up by completing the mini competition within the allotted bid time. If they fail to do so, they are eliminated. If they succeed, the competitor with the highest bid time is eliminated. Last competitor standing wins the Veto.
First mini competition is the bubblegum chewing POV competition that Dominic won. In this version, the veto sign only needs 10 pieces of gum. Boobs had the lowest bid at 2 minutes, so she has to perform the competition. Sniffles cheers her on, and Fat and the City makes me hate her even more as she comments that she bets that Sniffles’ cheers of “come on baby, you can do it, almost there!” is how Boofles sounds in the sack. Good Lord, I just ate, bitch.
Can anyone explain to me why Kalia’s upper body is starting to resemble a busted Stretch Armstrong doll?
Boobs finishes within time, knocking out Adam, who had the highest bid. The second mini competition is the superhero puzzle POV, and each competitor has to spell the word VETO using puzzle pieces. Boobs has the lowest bid again, with only 38 seconds, which is nowhere near enough time and she is eliminated. Love to see how she’s learned so much about being uber aggressive and cocky.
The third mini competition is the spelling POV, and each competitor has to pluck out and rearrange 11 letters to spell a Big Brother-related word (“nominations”). Jeff hilariously tells us that he doesn’t want to tempt the TECHNOTRONICS fates twice this summer and purposefully bids high with 1:59. Dicklet, expecting that Sniffles will make the same mistake Boobs just did with an excessively cocky bid, bids 0:29 thinking that it will put her just slightly above Sniffles and safe from elimination. The plan backfires though when Sniffles bids a reasonable number in the 40s, forcing Dicklet to compete. Can’t blame her for expecting him to act like an arrogant dickwad. She clearly has figured out that the word is “nominations”, but 0:29 is simply not enough time to logistically complete the task and she is eliminated.
“Nothing to see here people, just taking the opportunity to dry out my pits.”
The fourth mini competition is the space cow Have/Have Not competition, and the competitor has to wear that cow costume again to transfer 3 gallons of milk from the pool. Jeff tells us that he wants to take his destiny in his own hands, and bids a super low time of under 1 minute. He shocks me by coming waaaay closer than I thought he would, finishing only a few seconds after he should have. Better too late than too early, right ladies? He spent the last 15 seconds or so trying to wring out as much milk as he could — had he instead run back to the pool for one last dunk, I think he would have made it because that shit just pours off of you at first. Also, if he hadn’t ate it climbing out of the pool at the beginning. Oh well.
“I knew I had to get in the fetal position to get as much milk out as possible, so I just tried to channel how Harry must reacted every time after having to go alone up to Dumbledore’s office.”
The fifth and final mini competition is the golfing HOH competition. In this version, the competitors have to bid on how long it will take them to make a hole-in-one. Sniffles bids 0:33 to Volvo’s (yep, still there) 0:35, so he will compete. And he does it within 0:33, meaning that Sniffles has won the POV. I will ignore his obnoxious DR gloat to instead point out that we got to see a rare glimpse of normal Lawrong during his time as host of this competition. He was calm, articulate and poised. Hey look — someone we’d actually like if CBS didn’t edit him to be an insufferable cartoon! Meanwhile, Boofles embraces, complete with slo-mo run and a vertical fuck-hug. Dicklet’s face says it all.
What she said grimaced.
Jeff’s beating himself up for not winning the veto, knowing that either he and Jordan are likely going up as the replacement nominee. Boofles runs to the Have Not room, where he announces that he’s going to lie to everyone and say that he’s using the POV on himself but instead really use it on Boobs. He thinks that this surprise will “screw up everything” for Dicklet, because she will be SO STUNNED by a plan so brilliant that only a PhD student could have formed it. In reality, Dicklet’s a smart enough player to know who she’ll name as the replacement in both scenarios and this will just make Boofles look shadier than ever. But who asked me?
WormLips goes up to HOH to talk to Dicklet and FATC, asking whether Dicklet wants Boobs or Sniffles to go home. Dicklet correctly points out that she doesn’t have a say in who Sniffles vetoes, and WormLips somewhat pushily repeats her question while noting that Sniffles will likely veto Boobs. Dicklet non-answers that WormLips has given her something to think about and gives her the Donato death stare until WormLips awkwardly leaves. The whole 60 second conversation is oddly tense, and Dicklet immediately calls WormLips “shady as hell” before the door’s even closed behind her. Dicklet tells us that it’s obvious that WormLips is playing both sides of the house, and that she may have to nominate her because of that. But she won’t. Misdirection FAIL.
“Someone else suggested that I nominate Porsche, but I’m not that stupid. Haha, nominating someone who doesn’t even exist. I mean, come on!”
Dicklet then meets with Jeff and Jordan, because this episode is one slow chug towards the inevitable naming of Jordan as the replacement nominee. Dicklet tells them that she sincerely wants Jeff and Jordan to stay, but in the next breath talks about how she would put Jordan up against Sniffles since she’s confident that Jordan would stay in that scenario. Because obviously, the best way to demonstrate how badly you want someone to stay is to make her the replacement nominee. Dicklet’s not as confident that Jordan would stay should she go up against Boobs, so Dicklet asks Jeff and Jordan to try to figure out who Sniffles is going to veto. The brain trust is on the case.
Jeff and Jordan go talk to Sniffles, and he lies to them and says that he’s vetoing himself off the block and leaving Boobs to flap in the wind. Sniffles feels “awful” about lying to Jeff and Jordan, but if he can sleep easily at night after sending pictures of his wang around the internet, I’m sure he’ll survive this mental torment too. Boofles then goes to speak to Dicklet, who’s lounging around in a bikini and an open hoodie, perhaps to challenge Sniffles’ baby shower-inspired getup of baby blue tank and pink bandanna as the most distracting outfit in the room. He lies about planning to veto himself, and suggests that Dicklet name Lawrong against Boobs because if Dicklet names someone that will be evicted instead of Boobs, Dicklet can work with Boofles again with a “clean slate.” Oh come on, not even Volvo would be stupid enough to believe that pile of shit. Boobs is just waiting for the opportunity to turn Dicklet’s skull into a centerpiece at her wedding. Not to mention that who the hell could Dicklet possibly nominate against Boobs with the goal of keeping Boobs?! Dicklet stares back blankly, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist — which, if you’ve heard, Sniffles IS — to figure out that she isn’t buying it at all.
POV ceremony time! Sniffles carries out his plan, vetoing Boobs off the block. No one seems that surprised or upset, including Dicklet, so, um, good work there buddy with that cunning strategy. Dicklet gets up and babbles about how she doesn’t need or want any more enemies in the house, but that since she has to name a replacement nominee, she’s going to nominate Jordan. Jordan calmly takes her seat in the eviction chairs while Boobs cries. Of course.
Dicklet: “I thought about nominating you, Shelly, but I’m pretty sure you’re going to decompose before Thursday night and I really don’t want to have to pick a fourth person.”
Sniffles gloats about how he “totally got” Dicklet this week and blew down her house of cards — followed hilariously by Dicklet celebrating that Sniffles did exactly what she wanted. Jordan’s a bit concerned since pawns tend to go home, but the targets aren’t usually as universally hated as Sniffles is, so she should be safe.
So that’s it for tonight’s episode! I thought it was a little boring, as we basically watched the same 2-3 conversations played out over and over again throughout the entire hour, broken up only by an overly long and not too entertaining POV competition. Do you think it’s a given that Sniffles is going home, or will Boofles somehow sway the votes away from America’s (dim) Sweetheart? Are you interested to see what Evel Dick has to say tomorrow night during his special appearance or too worried about catching the clap through your TV screen? And is anyone else concerned that assuming Sniffles does go home that Grodner will throw him back in again? Thanks for reading and see you guys soon!