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This show is not live. There will be a laugh track later. Add David Spade and you have an episode of Rules of Engagement.
Julie is wearing some kind of blue swishy thing. I’m pretty sure it’s just a swatch of cloth from Mood. She’s also looking very thin.
DANGER: FUEL LEVELS CRITICAL. INITIATE BUFFET SEQUENCE.
It’s “Day 68″, which means that it could be Day 68 today or Day 68 when this was taped, I’m not sure. Lane and Britney are in the nomination chairs, and Britney is looking hot as expected. We’ll soon find out who’s heading to the jury, BUT FIRST! Someone has to win the veto.
Lane and Hayden hang out in the HOH after Hayden’s nomination ceremony. Hayden tries to placate Lane and keep his options open by telling Lane just because he’s up doesn’t mean that he’s got a Final Two deal with Enzo, even though he totally does. There’s some talk about how they have to get Britney out because the jury will vote for her to win. After how delightfully bitchy she’s been all season, I doubt it. Lane admits that he doesn’t want The Brigade to be the final three, since he has a better shot at going to the end with Hayden/Britney, and also because Britney has a personality and Enzo does not.
“Nicknames! Abbreviations! Ethnic hand motions! Let’s pretend these things make me interesting!”
Enzo sits in the backyard with the Brigade and does his favorite thing, which is to talk a lot about how badly he wants to win before sucking spectacularly at everything ever. “I feel like a Spatan going to war,” Enzo says, just in case you were still wondering whether he’s the type of guy who loves 300, which I had pretty much assumed, because it is (and I am not exaggerating about this) the gayest movie ever made. Seriously, you could not make more latently homosexual movie if you tried.
Lane jokes about wanting to go shower but being unable to because he doesn’t want to leave Hayden and Enzo alone (probably because he thinks they’re going to watch 300 and gay out when he leaves). “The plan has always been Final Three,” Enzo says, even though the plan was always final four until it was convenient for them to change it. “This is a storybook finish!” he shouts. Yeah, if the storybook is Everyone Poops.
Later on Britney enters the HOH to work Hayden. She talks about how each individual member of the jury hates her (mostly true, I’m not sure she has a shot at the end unless this show suddenly decides to grade on awesomeness). She also thinks that Enzo will win unanimously because he played “an immaculate game”. Immaculate? Really? This guy?
I’m not sure you need to bother with that.
Veto competition. It’s the typical final four Veto competition involving house knowledge. In this iteration, there are “movie posters” with the faces of two houseguests on each one, and there are facts on the top and bottom to match to the faces.
There is lots of needless exposition, just to make this more boring. Literally, people are going “I knew that Annie was the Saboteur, so I found the Annie card and put it in the slot.” I’m…bored.
And hey, guess what? Lane sucks at this competition. I know you are shocked. We are supposed to find this adorable, but I do not.
“The joke’s on you for watching me all summer.”
“This reminds me of the time I punched a dude in the face. AREN’T I HILARIOUS?”
Hayden, to his credit, actually plays this competition very smartly, concentrating on the clues that only have one answer and narrowing the remainder down. Enzo finishes placing cards and buzzes first, but he has an epic number wrong.
Britney was right, that IS immaculate.
And then Hayden wins the veto. Britney, winded and unaware that she should be pooping herself, compliments Hayden for finishing so quickly. I’m sure all women just want him to finish quickly, am I right? ZING!
I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that this shit is mad boring and I have to amuse myself somehow.
That probably has Rachel and Brendon fluids on it. Evel Dick touched it at one point. Just saying.
After the veto competition, the fellas sit around in the kitchen and decide that it’s time to tell Britney about The Brigade. Lane doesn’t want to tell her because he knows she’ll be mad. “She’s my only vote!” he says timidly, and Hayden and Enzo laugh at him like this matters, since he won’t be in the Final Two anyway. Lane gets overruled and Britney will be notified of the Brigade’s existence tonight.
The way they’re going to do it, however, is super creepy and stupid. Because they’re cowardly and lame, even when they’ve already won, Enzo and Lane sit up in the HOH room and dance around their alliance, asking Britney whether she thought there were alliances and generally being gross to her. Enzo says he had an alliance with someone, and when Britney guesses Matt, Enzo confirms it. “You turned on him then!” she scoffs. “Who else, Lane?” Enzo asks uncomfortably while Britney fidgets and bites her nails. Seriously, quit being a dick, Enzo. Just tell her.
“We gave ourselves a nickname and everything, it was called The Brigade,” Enzo continues, finally getting to the point as Hayden enters and they tell him that they gave Britney the news. “So, I’m definitely going home is that what you’re saying?” Britney asks. ”Well, I’m not gonna use the veto,” Hayden answers, because he’s a pussy too and can’t even tell her directlythat she’s going home after it’s been revealed that he’s in an alliance. God, these three are the worst. One week of this left, you guys.
Britney starts to cry immediately. “Would you rather we hadn’t told you?” they ask. ”No, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck,” Britney answers.
“The last thing I want to do is make you sad or make you cry,” Enzo says, which is a lie or he wouldn’t have strung it out for so long and acted like such a dick. This is exactly what he wanted, because he gets to pretend to be smart for five minutes.
Tool.
Britney starts bawling and runs for the door, and I feel immediately sorry for her, and not just because I think she’s awesome. “How does it feel to know that you just wasted three months? I left my fiance, and my family,” she blurts through tears.
“I just got completely played!” she whimpers in the Diary Room. “I just look stupid. Lane’s been lying to me the whole time. Lane’s not my friend. All I am is just another idiot who’s a part of his bigger scheme.” Yeah, I’m not sure Lane and the word “scheme” belong in a sentence together.
To Lane’s credit, he heads downstairs to check on her even though he compares Britney crying to one of his “good dogs dying”. You heard it here first: Lane’s a dolt.
Lane: “Are you mad at me?”
Britney:”Yeah.”
Lane: “I just want you to know that I really value your friendship, but not enough to actually stick my neck out or do anything to save you or try at all in any competitions. Good night!”
We know. It’s terrible.
After the commercials, it’s time for the “live” Veto meeting. Hayden doesn’t use it, so now Enzo has to cast the sole vote to evict, but not before Lane and Britney get to say a few words. Lane gets to go first and he calls Enzo “the funniest cat he’s ever met”, which means he must not have met very many people. He also calls Britney “the kindest lady he’s ever met” which is dumb. Lady? Who uses that term, especially on a twenty-one year old?
Britney starts to cry, says hello to her family and tells everyone that she’s proud to be “a casualty of the Brigade”. That’s just gross. You know what else there is to be proud of besides being a casualty of The Brigade? EVERYTHING.
Enzo takes a million years to vote Britney out, yapping at length until I black out. The audience cheers loudly for Britney as she exits, because she is awesome and wonderful. As she mics up for her interview we check back in on the house. Looks like we’ll be watching these three boring assholes for the next week until this season is mercifully, finally over. There’s not even anyone to root for. Worst final three ever? Worst final three ever.
ONE! WEEK! LEFT! ONE! WEEK! LEFT!
Julie asks her how she felt when The Brigade was revealed. says that the reveal of the Brigade is the worst days he’s had in the house. Julie asks the question that’s been on our minds all summer: why the hell didn’t she do anything about The Brigade? Britney answers honestly, saying that she kind of felt like she was one of them. She knew that they were working together, but she thought she was a part of the group, essentially. That’s kind of…sad. I feel bad for her, you guys. Let’s give her twenty-five thousand dollars! Can we? PLEASE? And don’t vote for Brendon. I’m looking at you, lonely, middle-aged, sexually starved Twilight reading housewives.
Julie thanks Britney and sends her off to the jury house, the mention of which gives Britney reason to make one last amazing face:
Man, I’m going to miss her.
Bye, Britney! You were mighty awesome, and without you the boredom levels would have been off the charts. Good show, and hopefully we’ll see you at All-Stars 2.
The commercials feature an extended three minute preview of Mike and Molly, which coupled with Britney’s eviction makes me think that CBS has launched an elaborate, Rubicon-style plot against my life. If I die tomorrow, look to Moonves.
Part One of the Final HOH competition is endurance, as usual. The three Musket-zzzzzzzzzeers are hanging on ropes suspended over the yard. You know what’s going to happen: Julie pun! Ropes go flying! Nozzles smack into walls at rapid speeds! Enzo shouts a bunch and generally makes an ass out of himself. We’re supposed to think that the audience is laughing uproariously, but it’s clearly a laugh track.
There is some entertainment in watching Enzo get slammed against a wall repeatedly.
After the commericals, Julie makes another pun and triggers a waterfall in the center of the yard. It’s riveting. IS THIS SEASON OVER YET?
47 Comments
Loved your recap, Schoonie. Hated this season.
Great recap Schoonie. Contrary to some, I am voting for Brendon for AF – Britney was a little too mean girl for me even if she was witty. The rest of the houseguests are a waste of space. I hope to see Hayden win since he is the only semi-decent/nice person left in the house.
I can’t wait for this season to end. When does BB13 start?
Oh what a crappy season. Atleast BB is paying us back by slamming them into the wall. I like it!
Ok love the recaps. But am sick of all the comments from people hating the show and cast and the cheesy greatness that is BB!
I do not think it is the worst final three ever. They played their game for what it was and made it this far by doing so. Has the house been boring lately? Yes. But only because the remaining people are all generally nice folks who get along, thus leaving us with no drama.
What would you prefer? A Natalie or Allison or all those “Cappy” screaming idiots up for the win? This may not be riveting television, but at least it doesn’t make me sick to my stomach.
I think if you can’t appreciate BB for what it is – don’t watch! And don’t post comments about it!!!
There – I’m done.
I know who won this Comp.. it is in the Forums under BB spoilers!
Best part was when Julie made it absolutely clear that Britney wasn’t going to get to hug her when they met. LOL!
@drab – I watch because I’m a BB fan, and have been since Season 2. I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to give my opinion on it in this forum, whether you agree with me or not.
This is not the worst final 3 ever. Dick, Daniele and that boring guy (Zach maybe?) were way worst.
I’ll miss Brit and for sure will be voting for her to win the fan favorite prize, even know that Brendon or Lane will take it in the end.
I have been voting for Brendon for America’s Favorite like crazy…God, please America, as a personal favor to me, do not vote for Britney or Gaygan
I persoanlly think this was a great season. The drama that surrounded Rachel lasted weeks. Then you had Matt and his crazy schemes that he thoguht were good ideas. And I love seeing how dumb Land and Enzo really are and knowing it’s broadcast on national television.
The Brigade gets credit for actually staying together (minus Matt) until the end which is more than you can say about most alliances.
And finally, Brit made it to the final four and provided some much needed diary room humor and never yelled at the camera while in there a la Hayden.
There have been much worse seasons in my estimation.
Nice work on the tags Schoonie…”zzzzzzz” is the best!!!
@msjacqmills – you’re right. You are allowed to Gaygan all you want about this season. It is just because I too am a fan (since Season 1), and I am trying to be an optomist and delude myself and make the most of Season 12. You’re harshing my BB buzz…….
It’s nice to know you share my appreciation for Bratney, Schoonie. She is indeed awesome, and great to watch besides. If she doesn’t get picked up for a sitcom, then the people in Hollywood are idiots.
Also: granted she was a bit of a mean girl. But look at who her (only?) target was. Imagine how YOU would have reacted to that waste of silicone and her weepie sidekick. From what I gather, whats-her-face was pretty damn annoying during her time in the house. So Bratney had every right to rag on her.
I’m not so sure I’ll bother tuning in to the final. Or I’ll watch it like I watched this last episode, while doing something else and fast-forwarding through most of the annoying bits (about 80% of the show).
@ Derek Lopez – WORD!
I just have 1 question. How in the world is Brenden ANYONE’S favorite? Hell, he’s not even Rachel’s favorite now that’s he out of the house.
@Itchy, you watch the shows just like I do. And if I watch the show live I am pissed because the fucking fast forward button isn’t working.
@ Drab- the “Cappy” Season of BB was the most dramatic high point that will never be recaptured. This season, by comparison, sucks. I also like the seasons where there is a rivalry; I mean, where would Evel Dick have been without his little Jenius? Didn’t she flush his cigarettes (which BB eventually replaced) and then he burned her when they continued to argue about it? I mean, there are no moments this season that I will remember. I don’t know if Britney is interesting enough to make it to AS2 because she’s the best of a sucky bunch. I mean, Gaygan was Bunky 2.0 (BB2), Enzo was Cowboy 2.0 (BB5) and Lane is Steven 2.0 (BB10, the gay cowboy). This has been the worst cast and worst strategically played season ever of BB.
And, I am PISSED that they didn’t do the face-morphing competition. Bastards!
They couldn’t do the face-morphing contest because Rachel’s face hasn’t finished settling yet.
Even tho the Brigade sucked big time – they did make it to the end (well minus Matt). Lane is worse than worse tho – “like my best dog died”?? Nice! He also shoots anything with eyes in the woods and beats up guys in bars? Even if those were jokes – why say those things. Britney was funny in the DR, but dumb!
Did anyone else notice Julie’s left boob at the beginning of the show? It look liked it was deflated! Gawd.
@drab – “Gaygan all you want…” touche – that was good. But, at least half of the posts here have been bashing the season. Sorry, we’re harshing your buzz…the show has harshed my buzz most of the Summer.
I agree with @Derek, there have been worse seasons. Hopefully the face-morphing competition will still happen. That would be the most entertaining part of the next week, by far.
Brenden as fan favorite? MAYBE if he didn’t attach himself at the groin to Boobs within the 1st hour of being in the house.
I don’t think any final three is worse than Adam/Sheila/Ryan.
After last night’s episode I CANNOT wait for Enzo’s rude awakening that 1. he’s not going to be famous 2. he’s not even all that well liked. It’s going to be glorious and satisfying.
I only want Brendon to win to stick to the others (and he’s hot).
The others “insist upon themselves” that is my arguement for that [Peter Griffin voice]
And don’t vote for Brendon. I’m looking at you, lonely, middle-aged, sexually starved Twilight reading housewives.
OOPS MY BAD
I’ve watched every season of BB and read all the TVgasm recaps. Every year you get people saying “this is the worst season of Big Brother ever!” Maybe it is to them, so in order to provide some much-needed balance, I’m saying – there isn’t a worst season – they’re all pretty similar. It just gets kinda boring at the end, and people get annoyed if their favourite gets evicted, so they react with hyperbole. I liked Britney and thought her exit was classy – she redeemed herself after her earlier Mean Girl episodes. I don’t really care for the final three, but at least it’s not Mike Boogie or Eval Dick. The Brigade had a good strategy – have a secret alliance from the start and at least 1 member who can win competitions. Lane and Enzo clearly have sub-normal intelligence, but BB isn’t about intelligence. It’s a social game and a game of cunning. As blah as I feel about them, they deserve to be in the final three.
Fuck off Faye!!! Who are you to ask America for favors? I think you must be exactly the lonely, middle-aged, sexually starved Twilight reading housewife Schoonie was speaking of.
Take your Brendon campaign to Twitter where it belongs.
@Derek Hazelton, preach it, brother! so so so TRUE! cappy, maggie and the bunch (aka the nerd herd) against howie, janelle, kaysar etc. was the BEST season of this show. it may never get better than that. and while the donato season was annoying, it was much better rooting for zach until the final day than watching this snorefest. but grodner, if you’re reading this…NO i do not want an evil dick clone. just an interesting cast.
@Gerrit Verstoep She can say any fucking thing she fucking wants to! I tell ya what,start your own site and then you can fucking tell people what the fuck to post.
Ro fucking bin
Fuck off Faye!!! Who are you to ask America for favors? I think you must be exactly the lonely, middle-aged, sexually starved Twilight reading housewife Schoonie was speaking of.
Scampers off … ummmm ok. Sorry Dad
@Faye – I got the vaseline and I’ll hold your earrings!
You’re just joking around, right Gerrit? Because this isn’t really the place for personal attacks/insults. There are plenty of other web sites for that. Sound fair?
@sarcasatire & Ro fucking bin (BTW best screen name ever)
LMAO … Ummm what happened to my comment?!?! Anywho, I am a peaceful warrior so I wish Gerrit Verstoep nothing but love and good luck tonight as he blows up his date for a romantic evening in front of the fireplace
Ok a couple things:
1)Yes, this is the worst season ever. The only season even slightly as bad was season 8, and that’s because it had the most hateable cast. But still, season 8 was not boring.
2)As much as I hate this final 3, I still think the worst is Evel Dick, Daniele, and Zach. E.D and Daniele for obvious reasons, and Zach for allowing them to get that far. This one is easily second worst though.
3)Lane may not be the funniest knife in the drawer, but he’s certainly better than Enzo.
4) Even though season 6 had the Friendship, it is easily the best and most exciting season by a million percent, IMO.
5)Please, don’t vote for Brendon. I understand he’s a handsome dude (hell, even I’m drawn to him, and I’m a straight guy), and I understand that, given the cast this season, you might as well go for the hot guy, but dude was SO BORING! Vote Britney instead cuz she was the only entertaining person on this season!
Werd, @AntSuck!
Oh, and
6)Whoever asked if anyone would truly prefer Alison to anyone in this final 3, YES I would! Remember I love Alison and Jun for playing a super smart floating game, and I appreciate their snakiness (sorta similar to Britney). I understand why anyone would dislike her, for being a slut, but I just personally don’t dislike her.
And by “snakiness” I meant snarkiness.
*fist bump*, msajacqmills.
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, @AntSuck. I was with you until #6 – Alison played a snaky game more than a snarky game. Jun was a bit like Britney, but not Alison – I HATED Alison.
But, you are right – Alison was better than any of the 3 dolts in this final 3.
I need to go online and watch Season 6 (I missed the whole thing) but everyone who talks Big Brother always mention as the best..I need to go and see what I am missing
I don’t think it will matter but the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem ..
Sorry, but I voted for Brendon
Faye- you definitely have to watch Season 6, if you can. There is no season of BB that had as many ups and downs. And, it polarized the audience in a way that hasn’t been done ever or since. Had that season not been so polarizing, I doubt Janelle would have been as popular as she was…. and really, the casting was perfect, the drama was ridiculous, and every HOH and POV was so important because the house was so polarized, every change in power actually meant something.
Uh, I’m NOT sexually starved and I would consider voting for Brendon but I CAN’T because I’m saving all my votes (and my love) for LANE.
If they ever do a remake of 300 — LANE could play the Gerry Butler part. I would like to see LANE in a cape and some speedos.
no Enzo love… what is wrong with you people?
The only love Enzo will receive is a lap dance at the Bada Bing when this shit is over with….
Derek, it’s a deal..I will try and catch up before the end of the week. I know I am in the minority but I loved the All Star Season, the whole thing and after seeing Janelle get played by all people by Chill Town and Kaysar just behaved like he showed up for the free vacation. I thought “what was so special about them during season 6 because I am unimpressed” But I trust and agree with most of the posters on this board so off I go to see what I missed
TOTALLY agree this season was over all a disappoint. WORST FINAL THERE EVER! Britney was my only hope at redeeming this season.
“Enzo and Lane sit up in the HOH room and dance around their alliance, asking Britney whether she thought there were alliances and generally being gross to her.” hahaha I could not stop laughing when I read this. Just want to say that I love this website! I read the recaps EVEN if I watch the episode haha. AWESOME! AND YES VOTE $25000 for Britney!
Once again Schoonie’s stupidity syndrome is acting up. Stop crying, the Brigade outwitted everyone including some people you like (who doesn’t like Britney)? The fact is that they executed their gameplan so well most of their game included laying back and laughing at everyone else fighting in vain.
First you downcry Russell Hantz even though he played an excellent game, but you can’t admit you hate him personally, so you spout some nonsense that he can’t play cause he didn’t win. Well now you have the Brigade who pulled off one of the best executed vote control in history AND made finals, but because you made up your mind about them from day 1, you’re now force to write retarded articles like this.
Please stop writing for the site.
I think this season was boring because there were no surprises (other than the Diamond POV, which was more of a gimme than anything.) Everyone played it too safe. There were no “secret” votes that threw everyone into a tizzy, almost everyone voted the way the HOH wanted except Kathy. As soon as you knew who won POV, you knew who was going home. No last minute deals or back stabs.
I think the most remarkable thing about this season was that the Duh-gade was able to keep their alliance a secret. The problem with that though is that there was no “a-ha” moment, unless you count Ragan figuring it out too late to stop it. I think their alliance worked more in theory than anything else. With everyone following the crowd each week, it didn’t even matter that they had an alliance because there were no close votes.
I do find it hilarious that BB was scrambling for drama by doing, what, 3 or 4 Pandora’s boxes? Um…fail.
No matter, I still “heart” BB and will be back again next year.
I think this season of BB should be named “Floaters-R-Us” or “followers-R-Us” The mass majority of the house were followers admit it! The only ones not included in the legion of losers were Branden and Rachelle only they had the heart and guts to play with their own heads. Yes it sucked that they ended up being the villains but oh what spice they brought into the game this season! Hate me if you want, what do I care but my vote for the 25 thou. went to Brenden. I think he played Rachelle in the end and he fought week after week to be there. So far as the final two I won’t care who wins the 50 thou. I dislike both of them and if by the slim chance Lane is one of the final 2 then I hope he wins but I doubt he will be there unless he won HOH. If he did win I hope the jury votes for Lane then. I couldn’t stand surfer boy attitude sorry he’s from Arizona: Hayden or can’t earn my player jersey: Enzo. Hopefully next season they will have a house of actual self reliant players who are not afraid to go against the grain and not one giant sleeper cell of floaters and followers!
This isn’t the worst 3- that was season 9.
Live feeds? *Gag*