This show is not live. There will be a laugh track later. Add David Spade and you have an episode of Rules of Engagement.
Julie is wearing some kind of blue swishy thing. I’m pretty sure it’s just a swatch of cloth from Mood. She’s also looking very thin.
DANGER: FUEL LEVELS CRITICAL. INITIATE BUFFET SEQUENCE.
It’s “Day 68″, which means that it could be Day 68 today or Day 68 when this was taped, I’m not sure. Lane and Britney are in the nomination chairs, and Britney is looking hot as expected. We’ll soon find out who’s heading to the jury, BUT FIRST! Someone has to win the veto.
Lane and Hayden hang out in the HOH after Hayden’s nomination ceremony. Hayden tries to placate Lane and keep his options open by telling Lane just because he’s up doesn’t mean that he’s got a Final Two deal with Enzo, even though he totally does. There’s some talk about how they have to get Britney out because the jury will vote for her to win. After how delightfully bitchy she’s been all season, I doubt it. Lane admits that he doesn’t want The Brigade to be the final three, since he has a better shot at going to the end with Hayden/Britney, and also because Britney has a personality and Enzo does not.
“Nicknames! Abbreviations! Ethnic hand motions! Let’s pretend these things make me interesting!”
Enzo sits in the backyard with the Brigade and does his favorite thing, which is to talk a lot about how badly he wants to win before sucking spectacularly at everything ever. “I feel like a Spatan going to war,” Enzo says, just in case you were still wondering whether he’s the type of guy who loves 300, which I had pretty much assumed, because it is (and I am not exaggerating about this) the gayest movie ever made. Seriously, you could not make more latently homosexual movie if you tried.
Lane jokes about wanting to go shower but being unable to because he doesn’t want to leave Hayden and Enzo alone (probably because he thinks they’re going to watch 300 and gay out when he leaves). “The plan has always been Final Three,” Enzo says, even though the plan was always final four until it was convenient for them to change it. “This is a storybook finish!” he shouts. Yeah, if the storybook is Everyone Poops.
Later on Britney enters the HOH to work Hayden. She talks about how each individual member of the jury hates her (mostly true, I’m not sure she has a shot at the end unless this show suddenly decides to grade on awesomeness). She also thinks that Enzo will win unanimously because he played “an immaculate game”. Immaculate? Really? This guy?
I’m not sure you need to bother with that.
Veto competition. It’s the typical final four Veto competition involving house knowledge. In this iteration, there are “movie posters” with the faces of two houseguests on each one, and there are facts on the top and bottom to match to the faces.
There is lots of needless exposition, just to make this more boring. Literally, people are going “I knew that Annie was the Saboteur, so I found the Annie card and put it in the slot.” I’m…bored.
And hey, guess what? Lane sucks at this competition. I know you are shocked. We are supposed to find this adorable, but I do not.
“The joke’s on you for watching me all summer.”
“This reminds me of the time I punched a dude in the face. AREN’T I HILARIOUS?”
Hayden, to his credit, actually plays this competition very smartly, concentrating on the clues that only have one answer and narrowing the remainder down. Enzo finishes placing cards and buzzes first, but he has an epic number wrong.
Britney was right, that IS immaculate.
And then Hayden wins the veto. Britney, winded and unaware that she should be pooping herself, compliments Hayden for finishing so quickly. I’m sure all women just want him to finish quickly, am I right? ZING!
I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that this shit is mad boring and I have to amuse myself somehow.
That probably has Rachel and Brendon fluids on it. Evel Dick touched it at one point. Just saying.
After the veto competition, the fellas sit around in the kitchen and decide that it’s time to tell Britney about The Brigade. Lane doesn’t want to tell her because he knows she’ll be mad. “She’s my only vote!” he says timidly, and Hayden and Enzo laugh at him like this matters, since he won’t be in the Final Two anyway. Lane gets overruled and Britney will be notified of the Brigade’s existence tonight.
The way they’re going to do it, however, is super creepy and stupid. Because they’re cowardly and lame, even when they’ve already won, Enzo and Lane sit up in the HOH room and dance around their alliance, asking Britney whether she thought there were alliances and generally being gross to her. Enzo says he had an alliance with someone, and when Britney guesses Matt, Enzo confirms it. “You turned on him then!” she scoffs. “Who else, Lane?” Enzo asks uncomfortably while Britney fidgets and bites her nails. Seriously, quit being a dick, Enzo. Just tell her.
“We gave ourselves a nickname and everything, it was called The Brigade,” Enzo continues, finally getting to the point as Hayden enters and they tell him that they gave Britney the news. “So, I’m definitely going home is that what you’re saying?” Britney asks. ”Well, I’m not gonna use the veto,” Hayden answers, because he’s a pussy too and can’t even tell her directlythat she’s going home after it’s been revealed that he’s in an alliance. God, these three are the worst. One week of this left, you guys.
Britney starts to cry immediately. “Would you rather we hadn’t told you?” they ask. ”No, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck,” Britney answers.
“The last thing I want to do is make you sad or make you cry,” Enzo says, which is a lie or he wouldn’t have strung it out for so long and acted like such a dick. This is exactly what he wanted, because he gets to pretend to be smart for five minutes.
Britney starts bawling and runs for the door, and I feel immediately sorry for her, and not just because I think she’s awesome. “How does it feel to know that you just wasted three months? I left my fiance, and my family,” she blurts through tears.
“I just got completely played!” she whimpers in the Diary Room. “I just look stupid. Lane’s been lying to me the whole time. Lane’s not my friend. All I am is just another idiot who’s a part of his bigger scheme.” Yeah, I’m not sure Lane and the word “scheme” belong in a sentence together.
To Lane’s credit, he heads downstairs to check on her even though he compares Britney crying to one of his “good dogs dying”. You heard it here first: Lane’s a dolt.
Lane: “Are you mad at me?”
Lane: “I just want you to know that I really value your friendship, but not enough to actually stick my neck out or do anything to save you or try at all in any competitions. Good night!”
We know. It’s terrible.
After the commercials, it’s time for the “live” Veto meeting. Hayden doesn’t use it, so now Enzo has to cast the sole vote to evict, but not before Lane and Britney get to say a few words. Lane gets to go first and he calls Enzo “the funniest cat he’s ever met”, which means he must not have met very many people. He also calls Britney “the kindest lady he’s ever met” which is dumb. Lady? Who uses that term, especially on a twenty-one year old?
Britney starts to cry, says hello to her family and tells everyone that she’s proud to be “a casualty of the Brigade”. That’s just gross. You know what else there is to be proud of besides being a casualty of The Brigade? EVERYTHING.
Enzo takes a million years to vote Britney out, yapping at length until I black out. The audience cheers loudly for Britney as she exits, because she is awesome and wonderful. As she mics up for her interview we check back in on the house. Looks like we’ll be watching these three boring assholes for the next week until this season is mercifully, finally over. There’s not even anyone to root for. Worst final three ever? Worst final three ever.
ONE! WEEK! LEFT! ONE! WEEK! LEFT!
Julie asks her how she felt when The Brigade was revealed. says that the reveal of the Brigade is the worst days he’s had in the house. Julie asks the question that’s been on our minds all summer: why the hell didn’t she do anything about The Brigade? Britney answers honestly, saying that she kind of felt like she was one of them. She knew that they were working together, but she thought she was a part of the group, essentially. That’s kind of…sad. I feel bad for her, you guys. Let’s give her twenty-five thousand dollars! Can we? PLEASE? And don’t vote for Brendon. I’m looking at you, lonely, middle-aged, sexually starved Twilight reading housewives.
Julie thanks Britney and sends her off to the jury house, the mention of which gives Britney reason to make one last amazing face:
Man, I’m going to miss her.
Bye, Britney! You were mighty awesome, and without you the boredom levels would have been off the charts. Good show, and hopefully we’ll see you at All-Stars 2.
The commercials feature an extended three minute preview of Mike and Molly, which coupled with Britney’s eviction makes me think that CBS has launched an elaborate, Rubicon-style plot against my life. If I die tomorrow, look to Moonves.
Part One of the Final HOH competition is endurance, as usual. The three Musket-zzzzzzzzzeers are hanging on ropes suspended over the yard. You know what’s going to happen: Julie pun! Ropes go flying! Nozzles smack into walls at rapid speeds! Enzo shouts a bunch and generally makes an ass out of himself. We’re supposed to think that the audience is laughing uproariously, but it’s clearly a laugh track.
There is some entertainment in watching Enzo get slammed against a wall repeatedly.
After the commericals, Julie makes another pun and triggers a waterfall in the center of the yard. It’s riveting. IS THIS SEASON OVER YET?