Previously on Big Brother, not enough people appreciated my favorite joke
Team Chris T.
When we last left our intrepid houseguests they were sitting on boogie boards (or are they Dr. Will boards? I always get those two mixed up) and hanging on for dear life as nearly six gallons of water trickled toward them at nearly 2 miles an hour down a slope tipped to a precarious 12 degree angle! Sheila is understandably terrified stating that she almost “drownded” once while on a vacation in Hawaii. No doubt while trying to earn a job from a big time movie producer as he sat in a pool.
In addition to having to sit on a board and hold on to a rope, Sheila is dealing with the onslaught of emotions that have come from her last minute retribution from Moose and Ryan. Last week Sheila was a sure bet to go home until Moose had the bug-eyed foresight to convince Ryan that it was a smarter move to keep her in the house since she’s old, weak and will let you stick it anywhere. This sent Sharon to the Jury House with a big goofy smile on her face for some reason.
While hanging on for dear life, lest she fall to her fate in the one-foot kiddie pool behind her, Ryan and Moose take every opportunity to taunt Sheila to make her give up. Sheila is determined to stay on the board as long as it takes so that she can win to make her son proud and provide him the life that she thinks he deserves. She states this right before she gives up. Ryan and Moose are left to battle it out and Moose, determined to show his loyalty to his bro-dawg-home slice Ryan, lets go shortly after Sheila which makes Ryan the victor of this portion of the three-section competition.
I’m about to drownededed.
Sheila and Adam are forced to take place in the second round of the competition while Ryan simply lays back and plays with his junk white picturing Jen wearing a bikini made of ham. The second portion of the final HOH competition consists of a giant hamster wheel attached to a maze containing balls with names written on them just like the one Victoria Beckham uses to work out. The balls have the names of previous HOHs written on them and Sheila and Ryan must manipulate the hamster wheel so that the balls fall out of the maze to be placed on a board in the order in which they held the HOH title. If that weren’t difficult enough they must do all of this while under heavy sniper fire from Bosnian terrorists. The player that succeeds in the shortest amount of time and without stepping on any of the deadly landmines will be the victor.
After both players are finished Ryan comes out to read the final times and there are an unfortunate amount of S’s that Ryan has to recite. Sheila comes in at “thirty three minuteth and thix theconds” while Moose, having lived in a cage with his very own wheel while being studied at the Institution, comes in with “fourteen minuteth and fifty-five theconds.” This means Moose and Ryan will be going bulbous, misshapen head to little-person-looking head in the third and final round to determine who will be the new Grand Puba HOH.
After the competition Sheila takes her chance to remind Moose that she has been nothing but pleasant (“He’s so ugly and his breath stinks”) and loyal (“Adam, I nominate you for eviction”) and giving (“Adam, I just visited the Big Brother nurse today and you may want to get yourself tested for herpes, genital warts and possibly rabies just to be safe”) through the entire game. Moose is non-committal, saying that he doesn’t like to count his chickens before they are hatched but has no problem eating the fuzzy little chicks right afterward, beak, yellow fuzz and all.
I’ve beeen good to yeow.
When Ryan enters the room Sheila excuses herself to reapply some more spackle and a fresh undercoating. When she is gone the boys break into lame, cool-guy handshakes and pat each other on the ass to congratulate the other for making it all the way to the end with no one ever suspecting their torrid affair. They both suddenly remember the cameras and quickly mention tits to cover up. Moose then makes the mistake of stating that he is excited to take home the half-million dollar prize causing Ryan to take pause and wonder if he stands a better chance next to Sheila in the final two. Moose also begins to rethink things and wonders if he really did save a “ton” of money by switching to Geiko.
It’s time for the Chenbot to have another awkward chat with the houseguests. She first asks Sheila how she feels to be at the mercy of two such sexually repressed Neanderthals who both hold her fate in their hooves. Sheila simply states that she hopes one of them will want to stand next to her in the final two and happens to mention that Adam is starting to look really sexy to her now, which ultimately seals her fate since the thought of banging another cougar terrifies Moose. Moose knows that Sheila would be too much for him in bed, and that’s after previously having sex with an actual cougar.
Julie also asks all of the remaining houseguests how confident they are that the Jury members would vote in their favor. Ryan states that he’s about a three since he has so many things working against him: he won money, secretly had an alliance with his secret girlfriend at the beginning of the game, won a luxury competition, farted in Chelsia’s milk, sexually assaulted Josh and Natalie on separate and simultaneous occasions, can be seen skulking in the background of the Zapruder film, told James that once the show was over he would track down his family and kill their dog just for the hell of it. The list goes on and on. Sheila goes on about her disadvantages for votes a little too long causing the Chenbot to short-circuit and randomly generate word soup (“That’ll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!”) before Sheila finally blurts out a hopeful 4. Moose randomly picks a number based on the amount of nipples he has and states 5.
And thanks for asking!
After this East meets West encounter we take a trip to the Jury House while the Technicians repair the Chenbots motherboard. Everyone seems to have put their differences behind them and are completely getting along. Matt loves Josh, Josh loves Chelsia, James loves Matt, Chelsia loves James. Natalie’s there too! Natalie’s soulmate Matt hasn’t given her so much as the time of day since she arrived and makes a point to leave the room when she enters, other than the one time he simply tried to slit his wrists with a spork as soon as she started talking.
Natalie confides in Josh that she is very anxious to leave the Jury house so she can get back around people who actually like her.
Oooo. This is uncomfortable. Natalie, we need to talk.
Josh takes the initiative and openly tells Matt in front of everyone that he’s being rude to Natalie and it needs to stop or at least be funnier. Natalie tells Matt that he’s nice to everybody else but rude to her prompting Matt to come to the conclusion that he should start being rude to everyone so that Natalie doesn’t feel put upon. This turn of phrase confuses Natalie momentarily until she finally realizes that that isn’t what she wanted at all, rather she would like Matt to treat her with the same respect he would any stalker who happens to work in a bikini in a frigid state who plucks out his pubic hairs while he sleeps to make her Matty Curly Hair Dolls. Is that too much to frickin’ ask?
When Sharon arrives the houseguests react with mixed emotions. Matt and Natalie are excited, James and Chelsia are disappointed and Josh is just hoping she was able to smuggle in some coke for him. Matt says that Sharon coming to the Jury House means that Team Matt is still in control, however is unaware that they are no longer, nor did they ever, call it that. Everyone settles in to watch the carefully edited DVD regarding the events leading up to Sharon’s eviction and there are surprisingly a lot of scenes of Sheila crying. Matty mentions that Sheila cries about everything calling her a one trick pony, but Blinky Carl from the Vegas strip can attest that “Sheila has had up to, and including, 14 tricks in one very fine evening.”
While watching the DVD Chelsia tells Sharon to rewind, stating it almost dramatically as Dennis Quaid in Vantage Point. They see Sharon walking out of the door and behind her they see Ryan and Moose give each other a knowing smile and a nod proving once and for all that they are indeed working together. What they didn’t see are the night vision surveillance photos, detailed drawings of the Jury House floor plan and the note to a hitman saying “take out every one of them and make it look like an accident.”
The one who smelt it dealt it!
It’s time for round three of the final HOH competition. Ryan and Moose are in the living room sitting on either side of a divider wall like they’re on the dating game, while Sheila sits alone in the dining room like she’s at a packed bar on desperate ladies night. Moose and Ryan must answer multiple choice questions based on answers by the Jury House members. A quick rundown of the answers if I may:
Matty wishes he had been nicer to Chelsia now that he sees what an easy lay she is.
Chelsia is most embarrassed to have sacrificed the prize money for a “showmance,” however is unregretful about the time she told Amanda to smell her crotch to see if it smelled.
Josh thinks he is the person who most deserves to win the game based on his charity work in Houston bathhouses.
James thinks that his “showmance” with Chelsia with ultimately sink since he can’t hide his gay porn past much longer considering I recently put it in my family news letter.
Natalie think the best “showmance” was between James and Chelsia after realizing that she and Matty had more of a Swimfan affair.
Sharon admitted that the biggest lie she told in the game was that her back pain was the reason she gave up in the HOH glass house competition when it was really her prolapsed uterus.
Ryan squeaked by one correct answer ahead of Moose, which makes him the Ultimate Grand Supreme Fidoodley Super Duper Deluxe Big Ass HOH of all time in the history of the world in this universe or any other, according to the Chenbot.
I’ve given birth to a keeeid!
Shortly afterward Moose and Ryan have to stand and give Ryan the reasons he should keep them in the house. Sheila whimpers through a dramatic speech about how honest she has been, how much winning the cash will help her as a single mother and reminds Ryan about her deal of letting them stick it anywhere. Moose stands and basically says the same thing, without mentioning being honest or having a kid. When Ryan rises to make his decision it is no surprise that he chooses to send Sheila to the Jury House since it’s “bros before really old, scabby hos.”
Sheila begins to heave as if she were just diagnosed with cancer of the puppy, and leaves without a single word to either of the boys. When she leaves to meet the Chenbot she can’t get herself together to speak without sounding like Jim Bruer as Goatboy. The camera cuts back to the house to see Moose and Ryan rejoicing like a couple frat boys after another successful date rape party. Moose begins to go on about how their diabolical plan worked to get that evil skank out of the house so that they can reenact scenes from Deathtrap, before they realize that Julie always shows the evicted houseguests the first few moments on the video screen after they walk out the front door. Ryan tries to play up his regret for sending Sheila out, but Moose, always a little slow on the uptake, doesn’t realize his error for a few moments. Moose finally catches on after a subtle hand gesture from Ryan and slaps his hand over his mouth and apologizes.
So that’s it. The final two comes down to two people who weren’t even in my top five, unless you count Ryan, and unless we’re talking about my spank tank. What do you think about our final two houseguests? Do they deserve to be there? Who will the Jury members vote for? Will Natalie finally drug Matty and molest him in his sleep? We’ll find out all of these answers very soon, but in the meantime please leave a comment.
What did I learn from theeis? That I have a keeid and I deserve to weein cuz I played a great gaayme (except for that whole useless can’t win anything kind of a way)