First, my apologies that this recap is out so late. You know how crazy those Saturday nights in Los Angeles can be. Authentic Schezuan in Monterey Park, a house party with a bunch of boring assistants and writers in Los Feliz followed by some pitchers of beer at Birds. By the time you return to your apartment at 3AM, you can’t keep your eyes open long enough to watch Big Brother even though you know you are going to really enjoy Janelle’s reign of power. You wake up, realize that you have three fantasy football teams, and it’s early evening before you even start your recap. You snuggle into your cubicle at the TVgasm offices and prepare to document the continued descent into insanity that the final three members of the Friendship are facing.If there is any story that is emerging from Big Brother 6, it is Janelle’s emergence as one of the greatest players in the history of the game. She combines a level of athleticism that is only matched by her intelligence and understanding of the game. Mix that with her charm and looks, and you have a combination that has made her a fan favorite and perhaps one of the greatest reality characters of all time. With the remaining members of the Friendship succeeding in whittling away their rivals, Janelle is the only person in the house worth rooting for, and is probably the source of 80% of the ratings.
Before Janey won her second HOH, we had to live with the ouster of Howie. I always thought Howie was fairly annoying, and although he worked his way back into my favor, I will never be able to fully forgive him for letting Maggie talk him into doing things her way oh so many months ago. Although Hurricane Howie really, uh, burned some bridges during this season, the remaining members of the friendship were actually sad to see him go. Even April, who had more reasons to hate Howie than anybody else, was sad to see him go, saying that she was the “girl version of Howie.” I was kind of thinking about exactly what she meant. Was it the deep voice? The lack of intelligence? It really could be many things, but then it hit me, and it was quite obvious – April was as horny as Howie.
April says “Single fist, elbow deep!”
Yes, you heard me, although the only reason why it was obvious is because the producers took time to highlight it during an “April is really horny” segment. Remember when April used to complain about how Michael was making her feel uncomfortable with all the unwanted attention and how it was making her uncomfortable? It turns out that April has been talking about how horny she was since she first moved into the house. I wished the producers had given us one of those warnings that parental discretion was advised, or at least a barf bag. Imagine all of the people in the house that you would like to hear describe how much they miss sex, and April has to be fairly low on the list. It’s not so much that April is ugly, because she isn’t gross looking. Remember, she’s had plenty of plastic surgery to help fix any imperfections, and I hear that new “Over Sixty and Feeling Sexy” collection at Vicky’s is quite the hot item for the fall. That lace demi is not only provocative, but has a built in defibrillator since those two packs a day can do a number on your heart.
No, the worst part about having to listen to April talk about her thirst for sex is that we know what she is having sex with, and she is putting it into plenty of detail. And you know, it’s not good enough that we know what Matt looks like, we have to hear of specific instances and specific positions. And it’s not enough that we have to hear about these specific conditions, we have to have a demonstration from April, complete with the faces that she was making while it was all happening. Let’s just say I don’t think that any of those moments are going to make it on my “Boner Jams 2005″ mix DVD. And just for good measure, the producers replayed the clip from a couple of weeks ago when the big-boned Matt danced around, touched his nipples, and asked “Do you want a piece of this?” At first, I would have to say no, but thinking of Matt in a whip cream bikini and some assless chaps is just the thing you need…if you’re trying to induce vomiting.
As we were saying earlier, Janelle won HOH, and the final remnants of the friendship were not happy. They admit that she is a strong player, and they know that because of her, one of them is going to go home. Maggie sees what is happening, and since the person that Janelle doesn’t nominate is going to be the one deciding who goes home, there is a good possibility that the friendship bonds are going to be tested like they have never before. Maggie was worried and said “I really don’t want this to get ugly.” Quite frankly, it’s been pretty ugly ever since she walked into the Big Brother house, but there is no reason for it to get any uglier.
The real reason why Ivette, Maggie, and April were so sad to see Howie go was because that left them with Janelle in the house instead. Having Janelle alone in the house with these three women was going to be very interesting. It is clear that they don’t like Janelle, and it is clear that most of their animosity has to do with jealousy. Janelle is smarter and better looking, and is more athletic than them as well. The only thing that any of them have over Janelle is their self-inflated sense of moral superiority. You hear it all the time in their criticisms of Janelle. She is a better player, but they are better people, and since none of them really care about the money, it’s more important to be a better person.
The problem with that whole “we are better people” sort of thinking is that none of them has really ever taken time to get to know Janelle. They know that she is a cocktail waitress and not much else. When Janelle gets her new HOH room and Maggie looks around, she is literally surprised that Janelle actually “has a family and a dog.” She also has a gay best friend from high school, which apparently adds up to a lot. I mean, are you kidding me? Did she think Janelle was born by ripping herself out of some poor bastard’s stomach while Sigourney Weaver was watching? Did she think that Janelle is so bloodthirsty that she would rather eat dogs than take care of them? Speaking of Janelle’s dog, I don’t want to disparage anybody on the internet, but that dog was butt ugly.
Does Janelle own a little dog, or a giant bat?
Janelle’s HOH win also brought up a very interesting fact of the game. She would be the only person to sleep alone in the HOH bed since the beginning of the game. Knowing that the Friendship loves to camp out in the HOH room, and knowing she has to find a way to begin speaking with them lest she drives herself crazy, she invites them to sleep with her in the HOH bedroom. Now I know it was making Ivette’s girlfriend Maggie excited to think of Ivette and her summer crush Janelle sleeping in the same room, but I don’t think there was much of a chance with that the way Ivette was talking about Janelle. Ivette hates Janelle because she was “hated right away and she is still here,” which is not an insult whatsoever. Saying Janelle was hated right away tells me that the Friendship, who say they care so much about other people, didn’t give Janelle a chance. And saying that she has hung around means that she has been a great player despite others irrationally hating on her in the beginning.
To further illustrate the point that Ivette and company haven’t really given Janelle a chance, they are constantly learning more about her since they are kind of forced to talk to her. Ivette and Janelle share a common philosophy that I thought I never would have guessed – they both really want to have children. I don’t necessarily believe the desire for children is that strange, but it’s not really something I would have thought that either of them would like to talk about. Ivette was surprised to learn that Janelle had done a lot of the things she has done, like looking at baby names. Now don’t believe that this new found commonality had much of an effect on how they thought about each other. Even though Janelle wanted babies, apparently it wasn’t good enough for Ivette, since she was complaining that Janelle would be a MILF. Ivette was much more sensible. She wanted to be pregnant so she could have a little belly, which is funny because Ivette already has the ponch and droopy boobs of a woman who has birthed and breast-fed nine kids. [LATE EDIT] I forgot to mention another one of Janelle’s great lines, when she said she wants to buy an Escalade so she can fill it with kids. I’ll buy you that Escalade, Janelle, if you let me help you fill it with kids.
Despite all of their newfound respect for each other, the Friendship decide that they don’t want to sleep in the HOH room and for some other strange reason, they decide that they aren’t even going to sleep in the gold room, with those comfortable beds and the privacy of the door. No, it would be better to sleep in the main bedroom were Janlle could walk in on them any time. It may be that the producers shut off the gold room, but with another safe still waiting to be released, I doubt it. I am sure Maggie said something like “I don’t want to sleep in there because that room is associated with hate, and we are associated with caring.” It sounds like a really stupid way to go through life, but the Friendship are constantly talking about how great they are. While in the main bedroom, they are listening to Maggie congratulate all of them for the way they built their alliance. Thankfully, Janelle comes in and puts an end to that shit. Maggie is of course upset because how dare Janelle show up in a public room and try to have a conversation with them.
If you hadn’t guessed, the women in the house not named Janelle were very upset about their status in the game, and it was just about to get a whole lot worse. As we learned from Thursday’s episode, there was one more America’s Choice left. I apologize for TVgasm’s lack of initiative when it came to a “Vote for Janelle” campaign for this last America’s Choice. By the time we would have put the word out, most of the voting would have already passed. Still, I think I should take some time to thank the TVgasm readers and all of America for voting Janelle into another win for America’s Choice. We pushed our last campaign to vote for Janelle because we wanted to make the Friendship cry. Last time, it drove Ivette to tears, and this time it drove Ivette, Maggie, and April to insanity.
Anybody who was worried that Janelle leaving for her visit to the set of Two and a Half Men would give her rivals plenty of time to strategize need not have worried. The Friendship didn’t have enough time to worry about taking on Janelle, because they were so stunned at the result of America’s Choice. They had trouble understanding why we voted Kaysar back in, and when Janelle was given the phone call, they thought it was America’s revenge for them voting out Kaysar. But this last win, they couldn’t find any way to explain it out of existence. They each took turns trying to sum up what made them so much better than Janelle.
“You are trying to tell us that America doesn’t love a nurse from Las Vegas who has been dating the same guy for seven years?” asked Ivette. Yes, why couldn’t America fall in love with a woman so unappealing that she hasn’t convinced the guy she has been seeing for seven years to marry her? Ivette then wondered why they wouldn’t love “the country girl from Texas.” Umm, maybe because she is an old bitch who is a two-faced liar who has no trouble making problems for other people but cries whenever somebody comes after her. As for Ivette, April took a little while to think of why America would love Ivette and finally came up with “And you….Uh… How could you not love you?”
The Friendship did not stop there. I am not sure how long Janelle was gone, but however long it was, April, Maggie, and Ivette did not stop. Once again, thank you America. This kind of meltdown does not happen on national television without a little bit of help, and it was wonderful to watch. It also gave us more proof as to how stupid April is. The three of them were in the diary room, and during the middle of one of her rants, she looked at the camera and asked “Are you taping this?” You would think that after being in the house with dozens of cameras, they would have figured out that must everything that they do is “being taped.” Did she think her diary room sessions were some sort of therapy?
As they all continued their bitching, they tried to tone it back a little bit. Maybe after realizing they were being taped, they wanted to change their attitude towards Janelle. After all, America loves her, so they might be able to learn something. It’s not that they are mad with Janelle for winning, but they want to know why the people of America don’t love them like their families do. They all have much more important jobs, and they love their familes, and they deserve the money more than Janelle does. By sheer accident, the Friendship came up with their own answer. April joked that America must not like them because “apparently, we look like big fat bitches.” Pausing the Tivo, I stared at Ivette’s stomach, Maggie’s huge thighs, and April’s bloated tits and thought to myself how the pure irony of that statement really makes the entire season, but it is even better because they have no idea what is in store for them after they leave. After reading all of the commentary on them from all over the internet, and the messages that all types of readers have left about them on message boards and in comments, they are going to be stunned just how much people think they are big, fat bitches. It’s not enough for people to devote columns to hate the Friendship, people have created websites for each individual member, celebrating how much they suck.
Janelle’s actual time on Two and a Half Men was uneventful. She got the studio tour, got a chance to work the camera a little bit, and got a chance to meet the cast. All of the cast did a good job pretending like they knew who Janelle was, and Charlie Sheen did a good job pretending he didn’t want to do lines of coke off of her ass. She got an autographed bowling shirt, made sure to thank all of America for her win, and proceeded to return home and rub it in to all of the bitches who she knew had spent her entire absence talking about her.
After Janelle returned to the house, I jumped for joy when April, Janelle, and Maggie were outside and I heard somebody talk about how huge they have gotten. Finally! The fat segment! I have literally been waiting for this all summer. What’s easier than documenting how much people have grown thanks to being too lazy to work out? Unfortunately, the voice who was complaining about how big she was came from Janelle, who has packed on a few pounds, not that it makes her look any worse in her denim and stilettos. It didn’t matter though, since she was really talking to April about implants. It took only two months, but finally the producers decided that it was OK to show clips of Janelle and April talking about their plastic surgeries, along with gratuitous shots of the two of them honking each other’s breasts (literally, they were honking – CBS added the sound effects to prove it) to compare how good either of them were.
It would have been another boring segment, except that we got even more evidence how deranged April is. Proving that she has almost completely lost grasp of her hold on reality and would try anything the take down Janelle, April tried to convince us that her plastic surgeries were nothing like Janelle’s because April didn’t have surgery because she was vain. She had her boobs done and all of her other surgeries because they were necessary for cosmetic reasons, not because she has issues with self esteem. We know this is all crap, and she was trying some way to prove she is not as shallow as Janelle, but there aren’t many categories of plastic surgery that are life and death matters. Besides, it is not necessarily vain to say that you had surgery because you wanted to boost your self-esteem. It’s the nature of the business, after all.
Maggie stepped up to say that she is not a huge supporter of vanity, as her hairstyle, clothes, and makeup choices haven’t already made that decision for her. Then again, I sort of support her attitude towards plastic surgery. Fake boobs are OK, but I still think most guys, when pressed, would take a real A or B cup over somebody who had over-inflated fake DDs. Some girls are lucky enough to be endowed with a trim body and huge tits, but it’s easy to become skeptical over time, especially in this town.
I am not sure they would have even bothered showing us the little plastic surgery portion of the show, but they had to have some reason for us to believe that Janelle is friends with April, because it makes it look like Janelle’s chances are much better than they really are. Janelle asks April to the HOH room to get some information. As Janelle put it, April loves to gossip and always give out more information than she meant to. Janey spends time not only trying to figure out who April thinks Ivette or Maggie would save if they weren’t nominated, but subtly tries to sow the seed of doubt into her head. Would April win against Maggie? Would she win against Ivette? Can she take that chance?
In the end, Janey nominated Ivette and Maggie. Her speech was good, and she took time to mention how she believes she was unfairly targeted for the wrong reasons and that her nominations are based on what she thought she had to do based on what she thought the rest of her alliance would think. April’s position is actually very tricky. Maggie is a fairly paranoid person, and I wonder if April chooses to evict her, maybe she’ll hold it against April for being selfish (this is the way Maggie thinks, folks). If April chooses to evict Ivette, it may just be enough to actually think about voting for Janelle, assuming she is able to make it to the final two. It’s a long shot, but the hope for a Janelle victory is still there, no matter how slim.
What did you think about Janelle’s nominations? What was the most deranged and/or out of touch comment from the friendship? Who else is mad at the lack of a “getting fatter” segment?