Apparently, We Look Like Big Fat Bitches

Big Brother

By admin | Sunday, September 11, 2005 | 11:38 pm | 70 Comments

fat_bitches9-10-05First, my apologies that this recap is out so late. You know how crazy those Saturday nights in Los Angeles can be. Authentic Schezuan in Monterey Park, a house party with a bunch of boring assistants and writers in Los Feliz followed by some pitchers of beer at Birds. By the time you return to your apartment at 3AM, you can’t keep your eyes open long enough to watch Big Brother even though you know you are going to really enjoy Janelle’s reign of power. You wake up, realize that you have three fantasy football teams, and it’s early evening before you even start your recap. You snuggle into your cubicle at the TVgasm offices and prepare to document the continued descent into insanity that the final three members of the Friendship are facing.If there is any story that is emerging from Big Brother 6, it is Janelle’s emergence as one of the greatest players in the history of the game. She combines a level of athleticism that is only matched by her intelligence and understanding of the game. Mix that with her charm and looks, and you have a combination that has made her a fan favorite and perhaps one of the greatest reality characters of all time. With the remaining members of the Friendship succeeding in whittling away their rivals, Janelle is the only person in the house worth rooting for, and is probably the source of 80% of the ratings.

Before Janey won her second HOH, we had to live with the ouster of Howie. I always thought Howie was fairly annoying, and although he worked his way back into my favor, I will never be able to fully forgive him for letting Maggie talk him into doing things her way oh so many months ago. Although Hurricane Howie really, uh, burned some bridges during this season, the remaining members of the friendship were actually sad to see him go. Even April, who had more reasons to hate Howie than anybody else, was sad to see him go, saying that she was the “girl version of Howie.” I was kind of thinking about exactly what she meant. Was it the deep voice? The lack of intelligence? It really could be many things, but then it hit me, and it was quite obvious – April was as horny as Howie.

april_fist9-10-05
April says “Single fist, elbow deep!”

Yes, you heard me, although the only reason why it was obvious is because the producers took time to highlight it during an “April is really horny” segment. Remember when April used to complain about how Michael was making her feel uncomfortable with all the unwanted attention and how it was making her uncomfortable? It turns out that April has been talking about how horny she was since she first moved into the house. I wished the producers had given us one of those warnings that parental discretion was advised, or at least a barf bag. Imagine all of the people in the house that you would like to hear describe how much they miss sex, and April has to be fairly low on the list. It’s not so much that April is ugly, because she isn’t gross looking. Remember, she’s had plenty of plastic surgery to help fix any imperfections, and I hear that new “Over Sixty and Feeling Sexy” collection at Vicky’s is quite the hot item for the fall. That lace demi is not only provocative, but has a built in defibrillator since those two packs a day can do a number on your heart.

No, the worst part about having to listen to April talk about her thirst for sex is that we know what she is having sex with, and she is putting it into plenty of detail. And you know, it’s not good enough that we know what Matt looks like, we have to hear of specific instances and specific positions. And it’s not enough that we have to hear about these specific conditions, we have to have a demonstration from April, complete with the faces that she was making while it was all happening. Let’s just say I don’t think that any of those moments are going to make it on my “Boner Jams 2005″ mix DVD. And just for good measure, the producers replayed the clip from a couple of weeks ago when the big-boned Matt danced around, touched his nipples, and asked “Do you want a piece of this?” At first, I would have to say no, but thinking of Matt in a whip cream bikini and some assless chaps is just the thing you need…if you’re trying to induce vomiting.

matt9-10-05

As we were saying earlier, Janelle won HOH, and the final remnants of the friendship were not happy. They admit that she is a strong player, and they know that because of her, one of them is going to go home. Maggie sees what is happening, and since the person that Janelle doesn’t nominate is going to be the one deciding who goes home, there is a good possibility that the friendship bonds are going to be tested like they have never before. Maggie was worried and said “I really don’t want this to get ugly.” Quite frankly, it’s been pretty ugly ever since she walked into the Big Brother house, but there is no reason for it to get any uglier.

The real reason why Ivette, Maggie, and April were so sad to see Howie go was because that left them with Janelle in the house instead. Having Janelle alone in the house with these three women was going to be very interesting. It is clear that they don’t like Janelle, and it is clear that most of their animosity has to do with jealousy. Janelle is smarter and better looking, and is more athletic than them as well. The only thing that any of them have over Janelle is their self-inflated sense of moral superiority. You hear it all the time in their criticisms of Janelle. She is a better player, but they are better people, and since none of them really care about the money, it’s more important to be a better person.

The problem with that whole “we are better people” sort of thinking is that none of them has really ever taken time to get to know Janelle. They know that she is a cocktail waitress and not much else. When Janelle gets her new HOH room and Maggie looks around, she is literally surprised that Janelle actually “has a family and a dog.” She also has a gay best friend from high school, which apparently adds up to a lot. I mean, are you kidding me? Did she think Janelle was born by ripping herself out of some poor bastard’s stomach while Sigourney Weaver was watching? Did she think that Janelle is so bloodthirsty that she would rather eat dogs than take care of them? Speaking of Janelle’s dog, I don’t want to disparage anybody on the internet, but that dog was butt ugly.

cupcake
Does Janelle own a little dog, or a giant bat?

Janelle’s HOH win also brought up a very interesting fact of the game. She would be the only person to sleep alone in the HOH bed since the beginning of the game. Knowing that the Friendship loves to camp out in the HOH room, and knowing she has to find a way to begin speaking with them lest she drives herself crazy, she invites them to sleep with her in the HOH bedroom. Now I know it was making Ivette’s girlfriend Maggie excited to think of Ivette and her summer crush Janelle sleeping in the same room, but I don’t think there was much of a chance with that the way Ivette was talking about Janelle. Ivette hates Janelle because she was “hated right away and she is still here,” which is not an insult whatsoever. Saying Janelle was hated right away tells me that the Friendship, who say they care so much about other people, didn’t give Janelle a chance. And saying that she has hung around means that she has been a great player despite others irrationally hating on her in the beginning.

To further illustrate the point that Ivette and company haven’t really given Janelle a chance, they are constantly learning more about her since they are kind of forced to talk to her. Ivette and Janelle share a common philosophy that I thought I never would have guessed – they both really want to have children. I don’t necessarily believe the desire for children is that strange, but it’s not really something I would have thought that either of them would like to talk about. Ivette was surprised to learn that Janelle had done a lot of the things she has done, like looking at baby names. Now don’t believe that this new found commonality had much of an effect on how they thought about each other. Even though Janelle wanted babies, apparently it wasn’t good enough for Ivette, since she was complaining that Janelle would be a MILF. Ivette was much more sensible. She wanted to be pregnant so she could have a little belly, which is funny because Ivette already has the ponch and droopy boobs of a woman who has birthed and breast-fed nine kids. [LATE EDIT] I forgot to mention another one of Janelle’s great lines, when she said she wants to buy an Escalade so she can fill it with kids. I’ll buy you that Escalade, Janelle, if you let me help you fill it with kids.

Despite all of their newfound respect for each other, the Friendship decide that they don’t want to sleep in the HOH room and for some other strange reason, they decide that they aren’t even going to sleep in the gold room, with those comfortable beds and the privacy of the door. No, it would be better to sleep in the main bedroom were Janlle could walk in on them any time. It may be that the producers shut off the gold room, but with another safe still waiting to be released, I doubt it. I am sure Maggie said something like “I don’t want to sleep in there because that room is associated with hate, and we are associated with caring.” It sounds like a really stupid way to go through life, but the Friendship are constantly talking about how great they are. While in the main bedroom, they are listening to Maggie congratulate all of them for the way they built their alliance. Thankfully, Janelle comes in and puts an end to that shit. Maggie is of course upset because how dare Janelle show up in a public room and try to have a conversation with them.

If you hadn’t guessed, the women in the house not named Janelle were very upset about their status in the game, and it was just about to get a whole lot worse. As we learned from Thursday’s episode, there was one more America’s Choice left. I apologize for TVgasm’s lack of initiative when it came to a “Vote for Janelle” campaign for this last America’s Choice. By the time we would have put the word out, most of the voting would have already passed. Still, I think I should take some time to thank the TVgasm readers and all of America for voting Janelle into another win for America’s Choice. We pushed our last campaign to vote for Janelle because we wanted to make the Friendship cry. Last time, it drove Ivette to tears, and this time it drove Ivette, Maggie, and April to insanity.

Anybody who was worried that Janelle leaving for her visit to the set of Two and a Half Men would give her rivals plenty of time to strategize need not have worried. The Friendship didn’t have enough time to worry about taking on Janelle, because they were so stunned at the result of America’s Choice. They had trouble understanding why we voted Kaysar back in, and when Janelle was given the phone call, they thought it was America’s revenge for them voting out Kaysar. But this last win, they couldn’t find any way to explain it out of existence. They each took turns trying to sum up what made them so much better than Janelle.

“You are trying to tell us that America doesn’t love a nurse from Las Vegas who has been dating the same guy for seven years?” asked Ivette. Yes, why couldn’t America fall in love with a woman so unappealing that she hasn’t convinced the guy she has been seeing for seven years to marry her? Ivette then wondered why they wouldn’t love “the country girl from Texas.” Umm, maybe because she is an old bitch who is a two-faced liar who has no trouble making problems for other people but cries whenever somebody comes after her. As for Ivette, April took a little while to think of why America would love Ivette and finally came up with “And you….Uh… How could you not love you?”

The Friendship did not stop there. I am not sure how long Janelle was gone, but however long it was, April, Maggie, and Ivette did not stop. Once again, thank you America. This kind of meltdown does not happen on national television without a little bit of help, and it was wonderful to watch. It also gave us more proof as to how stupid April is. The three of them were in the diary room, and during the middle of one of her rants, she looked at the camera and asked “Are you taping this?” You would think that after being in the house with dozens of cameras, they would have figured out that must everything that they do is “being taped.” Did she think her diary room sessions were some sort of therapy?

As they all continued their bitching, they tried to tone it back a little bit. Maybe after realizing they were being taped, they wanted to change their attitude towards Janelle. After all, America loves her, so they might be able to learn something. It’s not that they are mad with Janelle for winning, but they want to know why the people of America don’t love them like their families do. They all have much more important jobs, and they love their familes, and they deserve the money more than Janelle does. By sheer accident, the Friendship came up with their own answer. April joked that America must not like them because “apparently, we look like big fat bitches.” Pausing the Tivo, I stared at Ivette’s stomach, Maggie’s huge thighs, and April’s bloated tits and thought to myself how the pure irony of that statement really makes the entire season, but it is even better because they have no idea what is in store for them after they leave. After reading all of the commentary on them from all over the internet, and the messages that all types of readers have left about them on message boards and in comments, they are going to be stunned just how much people think they are big, fat bitches. It’s not enough for people to devote columns to hate the Friendship, people have created websites for each individual member, celebrating how much they suck.

Janelle’s actual time on Two and a Half Men was uneventful. She got the studio tour, got a chance to work the camera a little bit, and got a chance to meet the cast. All of the cast did a good job pretending like they knew who Janelle was, and Charlie Sheen did a good job pretending he didn’t want to do lines of coke off of her ass. She got an autographed bowling shirt, made sure to thank all of America for her win, and proceeded to return home and rub it in to all of the bitches who she knew had spent her entire absence talking about her.

janelle_honks_boobAfter Janelle returned to the house, I jumped for joy when April, Janelle, and Maggie were outside and I heard somebody talk about how huge they have gotten. Finally! The fat segment! I have literally been waiting for this all summer. What’s easier than documenting how much people have grown thanks to being too lazy to work out? Unfortunately, the voice who was complaining about how big she was came from Janelle, who has packed on a few pounds, not that it makes her look any worse in her denim and stilettos. It didn’t matter though, since she was really talking to April about implants. It took only two months, but finally the producers decided that it was OK to show clips of Janelle and April talking about their plastic surgeries, along with gratuitous shots of the two of them honking each other’s breasts (literally, they were honking – CBS added the sound effects to prove it) to compare how good either of them were.

It would have been another boring segment, except that we got even more evidence how deranged April is. Proving that she has almost completely lost grasp of her hold on reality and would try anything the take down Janelle, April tried to convince us that her plastic surgeries were nothing like Janelle’s because April didn’t have surgery because she was vain. She had her boobs done and all of her other surgeries because they were necessary for cosmetic reasons, not because she has issues with self esteem. We know this is all crap, and she was trying some way to prove she is not as shallow as Janelle, but there aren’t many categories of plastic surgery that are life and death matters. Besides, it is not necessarily vain to say that you had surgery because you wanted to boost your self-esteem. It’s the nature of the business, after all.

Maggie stepped up to say that she is not a huge supporter of vanity, as her hairstyle, clothes, and makeup choices haven’t already made that decision for her. Then again, I sort of support her attitude towards plastic surgery. Fake boobs are OK, but I still think most guys, when pressed, would take a real A or B cup over somebody who had over-inflated fake DDs. Some girls are lucky enough to be endowed with a trim body and huge tits, but it’s easy to become skeptical over time, especially in this town.

I am not sure they would have even bothered showing us the little plastic surgery portion of the show, but they had to have some reason for us to believe that Janelle is friends with April, because it makes it look like Janelle’s chances are much better than they really are. Janelle asks April to the HOH room to get some information. As Janelle put it, April loves to gossip and always give out more information than she meant to. Janey spends time not only trying to figure out who April thinks Ivette or Maggie would save if they weren’t nominated, but subtly tries to sow the seed of doubt into her head. Would April win against Maggie? Would she win against Ivette? Can she take that chance?

In the end, Janey nominated Ivette and Maggie. Her speech was good, and she took time to mention how she believes she was unfairly targeted for the wrong reasons and that her nominations are based on what she thought she had to do based on what she thought the rest of her alliance would think. April’s position is actually very tricky. Maggie is a fairly paranoid person, and I wonder if April chooses to evict her, maybe she’ll hold it against April for being selfish (this is the way Maggie thinks, folks). If April chooses to evict Ivette, it may just be enough to actually think about voting for Janelle, assuming she is able to make it to the final two. It’s a long shot, but the hope for a Janelle victory is still there, no matter how slim.

What did you think about Janelle’s nominations? What was the most deranged and/or out of touch comment from the friendship? Who else is mad at the lack of a “getting fatter” segment?

About

70 Comments

  1. 1
    Ed
    Posted September 11, 2005 at 11:56 pm

    Janey neds to be against April to have any chance whatsoever in a final two.

    This was the best ep of the summer as the Crappies were shown quite explicitly to be complete scum. CBS had conspicuously avoided this representation until now.

    What I wanted more of was the Sequester House. I bet James is driving Jen batty.

  2. 2
    amygirl
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 12:51 am

    George Bush hates April!
    Don’t you see a strong resemblance between her and Snow Miser???
    http://www.macjams.com/filemgmt_data/snaps/5492_snowmiser2.jpg

  3. 3
    geewits
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 1:05 am

    I’m surprised you didn’t see the brilliance, the genius of Janelle’s play. She spoke to only ONE player privately then made her safe. The paranoia that created is sheer genius. We were amazed. WOW. Maggie will tell everyone about April’s “betrayal” (hopefully she’ll get the chance) and the Maggie sheep will be forced to vote for Janelle. If Maggie happens to win she sort of deserves it for somehow hypnotizing so many people to blindly do what she says.

    It was great to watch them stew over the America’s choice yet again being Janelle. That was killer TV. Also, being pro-implants myself, although I just did it as a “what the heck” thing because I was getting my eyes done and would already be under anaesthesia, I seriously did not get the “not for vanity, but cosmetic reasons” comment. That was nuts. Also I can’t believe you didn’t mention the lovely montage after April said, “I’ve never said I hated anyone in this house.” Then they showed a whole series of her saying who she hated.

    Last and kinda least, when she told the story of the sex by the phones, I remembered that she was from Dallas. In ’95 I was having drinks with a bunch of co-workers in Razzoo’s in Fort Worth when one of our guys came back from the bathroom and told us a couple was having sex against the phones by the bathroom. I wonder if that was them? eeeeew.

  4. 4
    Sandslash
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 1:52 am

    Janie’s nominations should work to her advantage. April might piss Ivette off by “seemingly” making a promise to Janelle. However, it looks like Maggie will proceed to the final 3, since if veto is used, Ivette or April will take her.

    I think for Janelle to win the 500k, she’ll need to take Ivette to the final 2. …praying she’ll win HOH… April will likely get the vote from Ivette (since Ivette is unwilling to grant Janie the money under ANY circumstances).

    As for the show itself, Maggie is being portrayed as the tolerable (uh…lesser of evils…if that’s possible) of the nerd herd. In live feeds tho, everytime Ivette or April reiterate a conversation with Janelle (ex: the baby convo), the first thing Maggie says is “she[Janelle]‘s just faking it” or “She’s lying” or even worse “she’s playing you”. This further destroys any hope of either April/Ivette liking Janelle.

    But….who knows? Maybe (praying) the nerd herd will fall apart. Traditionally, a strong alliance in any reality show (ie. Survivor) will turn on each other, and consequently vote for the “enemy from day 1″ to win. (hey it could happen!)

    Since there’s only been 3 America’s Choices so far, maybe we’ll get to vote for the winner. A possible scenerio is that one of the finalists get the last safe, giving the ability to trump one of the jury member’s votes, in turn allowing the viewers to cast that remaining vote. If that happens, I can’t wait to see the (horrified/jealous/shock/etc) faces of the . It would be PRICELESS.

    ….if April/Ivette/Maggie want America to like them, they’ll have to vote for Janelle. Ivette keeps saying that she’ll go back to loving friends and family…SOOO WRONG…her girlfriend will dump her….and she’ll be a disgrace to her mom for all the cappy loving insanity.

    Anyways…as I was saying…Janelle may be the last Sovereign standing, but she is undoubtedly the best player in BB6.

    …Keep on destroying the nerd herd Janie….Win that final HOH for all your fans!!!

  5. 5
    museglet
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 2:24 am

    As I continue to try to explain to no avail to people in chat who think maggot and the rest of the cult of crappy are great, I remind them that either they havent seen the feeds live or read any of the feed update sites. Considering janie is at 89% popularity now, kaysar at 92–the two most popular bb players EVER, and crappy cult members range from 19% to 36%, i think the people have spoken. And ANY rational person who does not watch ONLY the cbs edited shows but has feeds or reads about them, clearly would see their true colors, why there is such a disparity between the hypocritical, gossipy, malicious, lying, x-rated witches in the crappy cult and the honest,loyal players (janie/howie/rach/kaysar)–because cbs has edited in a way to make maggot look reasonably nice, in case she wins (ummm-but of course she’s not). Just hope final twist is either who final hoh winner decides to take ($$$incentive?), or public has some say in who votes? just throwing them out here–need jedi janie to have the force with her when they begin endurance competition tuesday at9pm.

  6. 6
    museglet
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 2:27 am

    oh–and thanks for the (late ;) update j-unit…..much appreciated.

  7. 7
    K
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 4:17 am

    Great Recap – as always
    I was watching the preceding coverage of the US open on the E. Coast and all i could think about the whole time was, if Mary Pierce won a sinle set, then the game would go past 10PM and Big Brother would be preempted – THE NERVE!
    Well, Thank God the worst case scenario didnt happen – i seriously need to invest in a TiVo.
    HOWEVER –
    I cant believe you forgot the part of the show when April said that she didnt hate anyone and the BB6 produces aired the footage of her one by one saying that she hated each member of the household that wasnt in the “Friendship”)

    I nearly shit a brick when that happened

  8. 8
    chronic
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 5:03 am

    My favourite moment had to be the swelling, uplifting score that was playing in the background as Maggie spoke of the friendship alliance in astoundingly hypocritical terms. Took a while to notice it, and then another little bit to recognize its glorious sarcasm, confirmed by the sound of the record needle scratching to a halt as Janelle entered the room. In fact, there was a consistent sarcasm to the whole episode that I enjoyed thoroughly. I hope they keep it up Tuesday and finally give Maggie her due, which she has coming even more than the other two hags.

  9. 9
    jack
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 5:20 am

    well, the suspense has ebbed (does anyone really think janelle has a chance against the cult?), so the producers finally gave us what we’ve been waiting for: the first flicker of recognition that everyone hates the friendship, along with some nice moments of blatant hypocrisy. what was worse? april claiming she never said she hated anyone followed by about ten instances of her saying ‘i fucking hate her/him,’ april trying to convince us that her boobs have the moral high ground over janelle’s, or april a) insulting janelle for being a waitress in miami in front of ivette, who is also waitress in miami or b) april trying to convince us all that being a pharmaceutical sales rep.–aka a glorified drug dealer whose job consists primarily of kissing doctors’ asses and taking them out to dinner on the company card–is somehow right up there with solving world hunger or negotiating peace in the middle east?

    sadly, the producers seem intent on continuing to edit maggie favorably, as she is the only girl scout who has any concept of how bad she could end up looking if she said what was really on her mind in the diary room. maggie may be just slightly less the delusional bitch than april or ivette, but she is the most hostile to janelle and has been the primary cult leader from the moment her beloved cappy got shown the door. sadly, i fear she may very well end up taking the prize.

    ah well–it would have been nice to see the sov. 6 systematically boot the friendship, but watching janelle singlehandedly outplay and outclass the wicked stepsisters is almost worth knowing that one of the assholes will win the big prize.

  10. 10
    America's Next Top Fan
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 5:42 am

    America Strikes Back. Bitches!!!

    Finally the nerd herd gets it. WE ALL HATE YOU!

    Charlie Sheen gave the best zinger of the night when he said “America Hates Alliances” before announcing Janey’s win. A shot straight to the heart of the F-sheep. Bang Bang Bang!

  11. 11
    Anne Fescharek
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 5:59 am

    I think the joy of watching Janelle’s win is not so much due to her basic appeal alone, but simply to our deep and abiding hatred of Maggot, Evil-ette, and their Golem-like servant!

  12. 12
    Anne Fescharek
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 6:01 am

    By the way, Cupcake is cute but I’m reminded of the urban legend of “The Mexican Pet”….

  13. 13
    FriendshipHater
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 6:23 am

    That was the best hour of television EVER!

  14. 14
    katieshole
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 6:41 am

    I want that disgusting Haggie to be evicted, she’s the evil glue that holds those other 2 skanks together.

    Janelle is the best BB6 player, and probably a lot of fun to hang out with. Since she is so high in the CBS polls, I suspect that the BB6 producers will create the last HOH game so that she stays to the final 2. It will create a lot of drama, and will achieve high ratings…..

  15. 15
    EdHill
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 6:42 am

    THis show is a gift that keeps on giving.

    I knew the Americas choice was going tos end them into a rage and boy did it ever. How DARE America not love us! April must have forgotten the part where that “country girl from Texas” called us all pieces of shit. And hearing her trash Janelle as a stupid coctail waittress endlessly while cutting away to April graphically recreating the time when her husbad humped her from behind in a phone booth? Yeah, YOU’RE the classy one april.

    I think Janelle looks better now than when she started. She was too skinny and muscular. Now shes nice and slightly plump. Just my style.

  16. 16
    ashes
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 6:49 am

    It’s about time the editors stop protecting the friendsheep from themselves. How beautiful were the edits this week? From April saying that she’s never said she hates anyone to a rapid cut between the many times she’s said she hates someone, from Ivette claiming that her girlfriend sees how “evil” Janelle is to Ivette’s girlfriend saying that she likes Janelle–brilliant. And I loved the brief flicker of understanding Maggie had when Janelle reported that people at the Two and a Half Men taping called her “Janey”–they wouldn’t call her that if they hadn’t been watching and siding with her. HA!!!!

  17. 17
    NYCBoys
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 6:56 am

    Cupcake = Chupacabra

  18. 18
    the secretary
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:13 am

    First a note: I, too, once had a black pomeranian and yes, as puppies they do look rather odd (mine was constantly mistaken for a kitten)…but never fear, they grow up to be very cute!

    I found it very disturbing that the Friendship has to always be touching each other…rubbing backs, touching legs…just look at the picture! And did you notice that Maggie and April had to sleep together in a twin bed when there are like 20 other beds to choose from?

    Ugh. Hate.

    To steal a line from Howie’s favorite movie, Janey, you’re our only hope.

  19. 19
    Tony A.
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:26 am

    Greatest thing this weekend, even if I had to stay up past my bedtime (hey, I’m old!). The very best part was when the flicker of the ligh bulb above Naggie’s head told us she at last realized that America hates the Friendship. She tried to regain ground by alluding to the “groundbreaking” feat of of keeping the cult together but her words lacked conviction. Next best line was motormouth April trying to put down Janey by saying “she’s just a waitress from Miami”, which caused Ivette to say “hey!”. Hilarious.

    So, what will it be? Is there a POV compet this week? If there is, what are the choices? Janelle wins, she leaves everything the way it is and Ivette votes out April. If April wins, she votes out Ivette. If either of the other two win then April goes on the block, which means it’s bye-bye to the cuntry girl from Texas, leaving Naggie, Janey and Ivette to duke it out. Now, whoever nominates April will earn her hate, potentially turning her into a Janey supporter for the final vote. Meanwhile, can Howie and James swing Bobo over to their side to vote for Janelle? Will BB let us vote for someone at the end? Hell, will Janey even make it to the end?

    OK, J-Unit, you’re forgiven this time, but I gotta tell you, it was a long Sunday without your comments about BB6. Like I always say, the blog is even better than the show.

    Charlie Sheen was his usual self when he took a shot at the cult, saying he hates alliances (cut to Naggie’s shocked face). It was evident the cast had been made to watch highlights of BB6 and they were all for Janelle. Yes, it’s sad she’ll probably turn into a vapid golddigger when she leaves the house, but she’ll probably pose for Playboy again, make millions and marry some senile old oil millionaire fron Texas, get fat and have her own reality show, followed by a drunken appearance at some awards show. Hey, it’s happened before!

  20. 20
    Tony A.
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:29 am

    Ooops. In my previous post I meant to say “If Janelle wins April votes out Ivette”, not the other way around. Duh.

  21. 21
    giovanni
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:30 am

    anywhere on here where we can poke fun at danny bonaduce?

  22. 22
    sharon W
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:40 am

    “As I continue to try to explain to no avail to people in chat who think maggot and the rest of the cult of crappy are great”

    WAIT!!! There are people out there who like the Fiendsh*ts???? How is that possible? Like seriously – do they have eyes? ears? common sense? At this point I would rather have Ivette or April win over Maggot. She is a vile hypocritical beyotch. At least Ivette is admitting Janelle is human and April is just sad. Maggot is a cult leader and terrible person who has no idea how awful she is. Obviously I want Janelle to win but the odds are against us so we all have to send good thoughts her way!!

  23. 23
    ha!
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:47 am

    My top five favorite moments from Saturday’s episode.

    5. Janelle and April poking each other’s boobies, with sound effects even – look what you have wrought, ‘The Simple Life’ creators!

    4. April jumping up and down in the DR shouting ‘I get to have sex with Matt!’ Is it just me, or did she look a lot like Tara Reid jumping up and down like that, in what I like to call the ‘Tara Reid Happy Dance’?

    3. Ivette calling Janelle ‘calm, cool, and collective.’ Apparently Janelle is now a Borg, and resistance is futile.

    2. April downplaying Janelle’s job (yet again), claiming that all Janelle does is talk about sex and drugs. This, coming from a very horny pharmaceuticals rep. Well edited, BB, well edited indeed. It’s like April has been supplied with the mirror, but she refuses to look at it.

    And my number one moment: Maggie actually saying on camera (in the DR) that BB has been taping all along, and that April should choose her words wisely. I believe it is a case of ‘way too little, way too late’ ladies.

    ha!

  24. 24
    Bobbie
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:49 am

    Funny, funny! Your intro sounds so much like the intro to a famous essay by Paul Roberts called “How To Say Nothing In 500 Words.” I just this moment read it to my class, then set them to work and checked in to see if your recap was up yet…No, I’m not accusing you of plagiarism–merely complimenting your tone. You are a really good writer on every level. Props to you, dude.

  25. 25
    Diane
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:51 am

    Maggie has got to go…she is the glue and the brains behind the other 2 mean girls. If Maggie goes…AMERICA wins!!!!!

  26. 26
    sg-dub
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:56 am

    ha! –

    re: “Ivette calling Janelle ‘calm, cool, and collective’.”

    She IS Cuban y’know. Freaking Commie.

  27. 27
    EdHill
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:59 am

    “I know I’ve had several things done, but it was because I had always wanted them done for cosmetic reasons, not because I was insecure or I felt like I had low self-esteem.�

  28. 28
    America's Next Top Fan
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 8:22 am

    Don’t you wish the F-sheep was hot like Janie?

    Don’t you wish the F-sheep was smart like Janie?

    Don’t you wish the F-sheep was fun like Janie?

    Don’t ya? Don’t ya?

    Oh yes I do.

  29. 29
    conebaby
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 8:29 am

    best part: april constantly putting down waitresses and ivette is a waitress! idiot.

  30. 30
    Tony A.
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 8:49 am

    sg-dub (#26)

    C’mon, ease up. You sound as bad as Ivette hate-mongering on poor Kaysar. She would be a dumb bitch no matter the nationality.

    BTW, the Cubans that are here are the non-commies!

  31. 31
    Gini
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 8:54 am

    “Still, I think I should take some time to thank the TVgasm readers and all of America for voting Michelle into another win for America’s choice.”

    Who the hell is Michelle?

  32. 32
    sg-dub
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 8:54 am

    TonyA –

    Sorry, I forgot the /joking tag.

    I’ll keep away from the political humor from here on out.

  33. 33
    Gini
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 8:57 am

    That was the quickest correction I’ve ever seen. :-) Michelle is Janelle, I see.

  34. 34
    Bevin
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:03 am

    I happened to tune into the live feeds over the weekend right as the evil stepsisters were bashing Janelle b/c she won America’s Choice. The filth flying from their holes was disgusting! I just kept thinking – CBS better show some of this on Saturday night’s show and show all the non-live feed watchers what they are really like. My wish was granted!

  35. 35
    Tony A.
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:14 am

    I agree with Bevin. CBS has protected the bitches for way too lonmg. I don’t watch the live feeds but I know some people that do and they’re unanimous in telling me the hate-mongering among these women is way beyond what can be shown. Still, CBS OWES it to us if we are to make informed decisions when it comes to a popular vote. On the other hand, Saturday’s show did begin to reveal the evil. Question: Are the people in the sequester house allowed to see what’s happening in the house so they can vote correctly?

  36. 36
    anon
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:19 am

    One thing that concerned me was that Janelle mentioned that she’s afraid to send both people who have ‘pairs’ to the sequester house cause they will vote the same…the problem with keeping either april or ivette in the final two with her is that they DO have partners on the jury already!

    What Janey needs to do (assuming she is able to win the final HOH) is keep whoever ends up casting the vote this week (either April or POV winner), hoping there is friendsheep backlash against that person for having to vote for one of their own!

  37. 37
    Bevin
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:24 am

    Tony A. – to answer your question, I think what the jury members see is probably highly edited by CBS. I know they don’t see anything from the diary room and probably just get a quick recap on what happened during the week (HOH comp, veto comp, etc.) And personally, Janelle’s best bet for final 2 is her and April and/or Maggie. James I don’t think will throw his vote to either of them, but definitely will for Ivette.

  38. 38
    Bob
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:25 am

    On the CBS web site, it lists Ivette as a waitress. Here she is complaining that Janelle doesn’t have a REAL job being a cocktail waitress. Um, is that calling the kettle black? America really does hate a spicy Latina working at an IHOP.

  39. 39
    Kathy
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:49 am

    Not only were Maggie and April in the same bed, did anyone else catch Maggie running her evil little fingers up and down April’s back? It happened twice, I saw the first one, and wondered, then saw it happen a second time, and verified what I saw. Maggie better watch out, seeing how “horny” April is…April’s montage of being horny was the most gagging scenes of the whole season.
    Loved Janey getting America’s Choice…she is the #1 BB player ever.

  40. 40
    Tony A.
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:49 am

    Kudos to B-side and J-unit for their passionate defense of the S6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and now S1. Notable in their writings is that they criticize the actions of the cultish “Friendship”. They have refrained from gay bashing, nationality slurs and any other type of prejudicial comments. So, suddenly, right as we near the end of the show we begin cursing the Latina. What’s up with that? Not trying to be PC here, but let’s not drag down the rest of the Cubans with this a**hole, OK? Or would you rather be on a par with the way the remaining three are bashing Janelle the “VIP” cocktail waitress? And, where the hell did April get the right to aver Janelle just “sucks cock” for a living?

  41. 41
    Bobbie
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:51 am

    I don’t watch the live feeds, but I haven’t HAD to in order to see the moral distinction between these two groups…Even with apparently DEEP and WIDE editing, the FIENDsheep are obviously bereft of values…

  42. 42
    loops
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:55 am

    It’s call group-think, and the Maggot is excellent at making sure everyone thinks like her. She a strong mental player and like James, I think she needed to go a long time ago. You could see in this episode how she is totally brainwashing Ivette, while Ivette tries to form her own opinion of Janelle. And the way April was stuttering and scared sh**less when she was explaining to Maggot her conversation with Janelle. Both Ivette and April are spineless without her, so I hope (pray) the Maggot leaves tomorrow.

  43. 43
    loops
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 10:01 am

    I can’t believe how April thinks she is soooo superior to Janelle because she’s in “Pharmacutical Sales” and then tells everyone how she had sex in a phone booth. Hello???? Idiot!

  44. 44
    Lady J
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 10:11 am

    Actually it was April who complained about Janelle’s job and Ivette protested since she’s a waitress.

    It’s to everyone’s advantage to get rid of Maggie this week. Janelle might be able to take Maggie in the final, but I doubt it.

  45. 45
    ldini79
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:10 am

    Tony A. -

    i think (at least, i hope), that 99% of the latina references are only because ivette wears that stupid “everyone loves a spicy latina” shirt at least once an episode.

  46. 46
    ldini79
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:14 am

    oh, and b-side, thanks for one of your best recaps in ages, i loved the comment about disparaging janelle’s dog on in internet. actually, that whole paragraph was some of your best work yet.

  47. 47
    smithie
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:14 am

    I hope maggie goes this week, but I highly doubt it because of the power she has over the other two bitches. I hope Janelle wins, that would be crazy!
    And what’s in the last safe?
    PS They didn’t sleep in the gold room because the sheets were dirty and they didn’t feel like washing them…

  48. 48
    Ed
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:20 am

    #40 Tony – I took the writing to be an ironic snark on Ivette who claims that her outbursts are due to her Latin heritage. She is the one who invoked ethnicity as causal of behavior.

  49. 49
    E.B.
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:26 am

    “On the CBS web site, it lists Ivette as a waitress. Here she is complaining that Janelle doesn’t have a REAL job being a cocktail waitress. Um, is that calling the kettle black? America really does hate a spicy Latina working at an IHOP.”

    on the live feeds (hear me out first!) last night Janelle was asking Maggie about speed and what people who are addicted to speed (ie- speed freaks) look like and Maggie said “you don’t know what they look like? Don’t you see them in your club all the time?” Janelle looked offended and said “No”- Like they are seriously under the impression that Janey works at like, some kind of Sweet Lady Marmalad underground whore house or something.
    Ivette SO pisses me off, I hate her guts. Janelle’s nomination speech was honest and made sense and Ivette was in the DR saying it was all lies, meanwhile we saw not 15 or 20 min earlier Ivette saying the SAME EXACT THINGS Janelle said in her nom. speech. Just that she was targeted from day one. Ivette had said that same thing in her DR session. God, THATS WHY AMERICA HATES YOU IVETTE!

  50. 50
    hm
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:27 am

    Oh some other classic moments from this editing dream were

    - Ivette saying she couldn’t understand how someone could like Janelle. Then the Juxtaposition of her gf saying ” I like Janelle.”

    - Maggie the most self righteous tool ever saying “Everything in Janelle’s specch was a lie”. Um how, why?

    - Janelle telling the nerds how some fans at the Two and a Half Men set said “We love you Janie.” Priceless.

    - Ivette and Janelle talking about babies. Of course Ivette in the DR rants how she wouldn’t let Janelle’s kid play with her kid. Meanwhile, Janelle said she thought the conversation with Ivette was really nice. Thus, making Ivette look like even more of a bitch.

    I love the BB6 producers and crew. They hate the nerds too.

  51. 51
    Retroqueen
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:42 am

    Soup-spittingly good recap J-Unit!!!! I’m still LMAO!!

    ****Thanks for not putting Matt segment into video, I’m still trying to erase that burning image. (pokes eyes with forks)

  52. 52
    trying to be nice
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:42 am

    Somewhere in this crazy mixed-up world of ours is a group of people who think the frendship are really the wonderful caring people they say they are — but I can’t find them.

    I think it would be a good laugh (“objective journalism?”) if you can find a link, a site, anything that shows (defends) that hypocricritcal, manipulative, condescending, lying bitch maggie as a genuine person (or even april or ivette – but I think maggie’s the worst for her ability to throw the shit without getting her hands dirty). There’s got to be someone out there defending the friendsheep – and it’s our right to laugh at them!! help us find them….please

  53. 53
    Christy
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:48 am

    ok – I have NO idea what happened, but somehow I missed this show. I had the TV on while I was getting ready to go out, but something else was on. I just figured it wasn’t going to be on. Now I’m thinking that I pulled a copmlete blonde moment and had it on the wrong channel or something…really bummed that I missed this episode. Sounds like one that was NOT to be missed.

    Thank you for the GREAT recap and all the comments, though!!!

  54. 54
    Dana
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 12:02 pm

    Um… Is no one going to comment on Maggie seductively tickling/massaging April’s back in bed??

  55. 55
    Roxie
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 12:05 pm

    I thought it was sooo funny when April was talking about how she never said she hated anyone in the house,then they went to the little segment of her saying it a million times! I love Janelle!!!

  56. 56
    Dagiana
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 12:06 pm

    Contrary to what a lot of you are saying, I don’t think Janie’s chances of getting to the end are that slim. She’s such an awesome player, and all she really needs to do now is win the final HOH competition, which I believe she can. Of course, maybe you’re just referring to her getting the votes, but I’ve seen people I actually hate (on Survivor, Big Brother) get the votes and win, so I want to believe that she can do it!

    Referring to sg-dub’s post (#26), I noticed that too! Ivette says a lot of things incorrectly. I had to replay this a couple of times, but I think in this episode she also said she was getting “down in the jumps” instead of “down in the dumps.”

    And I’m surprised that the recap didn’t include Ivette’s saying that she had a 75% chance of being voted out this week. Huh? Wouldn’t she have a 33.3% chance? She really is incredibly stupid.

  57. 57
    ldini79
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 12:12 pm

    i complimented b-side instead of j-unit earlier (sorry!), i was typing faster than my brain was working and it wouldn’t let me repost since apparently even tvgasm knows i’m a malicious little vixen…

  58. 58
    Dagiana
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 12:18 pm

    Christy,

    Saturday’s episode was on at 10:00 p.m., which was announced at the end of Thursday’s episode. So if you were watching at 8:00, that would explain it. :-)

    I’m sorry you missed it!

  59. 59
    Elise Elliot
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 12:34 pm

    E.B. !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am laughing my ASS off right now. “Sweet Lady Marmalade Underground Whorehouse”! Where did you come up with that?

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this episode. Go Janey!

  60. 60
    tv freak
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 12:52 pm

    “I’ll buy you that Escalade, Janelle, if you let me help you fill it with kids” Ooh! Tyra’s gonna be jealous!

    When they said that they have better jobs than Janelle, didn’t they reallize that a V.I.P. Waitress is more important than a Waitress and a Drug Dealer combined?

  61. 61
    Susan
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 6:20 pm

    I could not believe that the “Nerd Herd” would think that they are America’s sweethearts. I never felt or was moved by anything they said or did. On the other hand, Janelle totally dazzled me. She is so intelligent,clever,athletic,stunning and sweet. Of all the girls in the house Janelle would be one I would feel that I could have an enjoyable and intelligent conversation with.

  62. 62
    bernige
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 6:24 pm

    The only thing I enjoyed more than watching this episode was imagining how great the recap was going to be! I even correctly predicted to my husband (who does not share my fascination with the show or my TVgasm addiction) that the recap’s title would be “Apparently, We Look Like Big Fat . . . ” – although I thought the deleted word was “assholes” and that is almost better!

  63. 63
    Christy
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 6:45 pm

    Thank you Dagiana – that does explain it. DAMN!! If I would’ve realized, I would’ve called my mom to tape it. Shoot. Sux living in a temporary place (there was a fire a few weeks ago in my complex so I’m currently in a mostly empty apt.) w/out all my goodies.

    Oh well…at LEAST I have this site.

  64. 64
    Trink
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 7:21 pm

    To Maggie, April, and Ivette: Really good people don’t pat themselves on the back and tell each other what really good people they are.

  65. 65
    Johnathan
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 8:12 pm

    TVgasm is great! This recap had me laughing harder than anything I’ve read online in a month.

    I agree, there should have been a disclaimer before the “April is horny” segment. Because I was trying to eat dinner. (Maybe CBS felt since this ep was on at 10pm instead of 8, that it wasn’t an issue?)

    I did find the “Let’s Poke Boobies!” segment highly entertaining, however.

    The “Janelle Becomes CBS’ $5 Whore” segment was alright, but they should have given her a walk-on role. She could have been the “new babysitter” or something. (Note, I say five dollars, because, realistically, what is the value of an autographed 2.5M bowling shirt? Really?)

    And as far as racism, I think Ivette and other F-Shippers have made much worse remarks in that regard than any Internet site ever could. If Ivette didn’t mention that she was about to “go Cuban” every few minutes, neither would recappers.

  66. 66
    missy reed
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 8:14 pm

    lmfao at the nerd herd saying they have real jobs to get back too, what did they think america was going to vote for them after that rude a*s comment about the phone call janelle got? Yes America is that shallow, we want to see janie and michael hook up, we dont want to see maggie, yvette or the other one (fat hubby lover) talking to their loved ones, their boring. Seriously, Janie is the only interesting one left. Let’s see after this show is over who is gonna be famous…hmm…Janelle! I can bet she will be all over everything. Good for her!

  67. 67
    ethan
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 8:58 pm

    I have watched and re-watched this episode three times now. That was great freakin’ tv. I was so dejected a couple of weeks ago at the direction BB6 was heading, and so upset with Howie for being the root cause of it all (although I also blamed Rachel, bc she could have stopped him if she really wanted to). But now I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
    1)Janey wins POV and keeps the nominations the same.
    2)April votes out Ivette, causing her to go “all Cuban” (no offense) on April in the sequester house.
    3)Janey wins the final HOH and takes April with her to the final two.
    4)During the final voting night, Janelle explains that she took April to the final two bc they made a deal in the HOH room (doesn’t matter if it’s true, Ivette will believe it).
    5)Janey gets votes from Howie, Rachel, James, and Ivette. 500K baby!
    6)The fiendshits go out into the real world and find out what we think of them (and I bet 90% of their family and friends are with us).

  68. 68
    Christy
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:45 pm

    WOW – I’m JUST tuning into the live feeds…April has quite the mouth. She drops the F-bomb more than any serviceman I’ve ever met…and I thought they cursed a lot. geez…this is actually quite interesting. I so wish I wasn’t such a slacker in jumping on this BB bandwagon…this could’ve been THAT much more fun!

  69. 69
    Christy
    Posted September 12, 2005 at 11:47 pm

    P.S. April has some really long fingers..weird! heh

  70. 70
    tv freak
    Posted September 13, 2005 at 9:21 am

    I know this is two days late, but Happy Grandparents Day April!

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