Big Brother: April’s Showers Bring Ollie’s Glowers

Previously on Big Brother, Renny got a little private time in the HOH room so she could really let her hair down.

Smooth sailin’ some days, sometimes just a kick in the rear. But she’s here!

Although Jerry is on the block he is determined not to cry about it since, as he states, “big boys don’t cry.” He can say that now but catch him at a midnight showing of Pride of the Yankees and it’s a different story. April is more demonstrative with her emotions since she’s had to deal with less pretty girls being jealous her entire life. There’s only so much a stunningly attractive girl can take.

Dan finds these nominations suspicious since the master plan was to place April and Ollie on the block together and pit the showmancers against one a shownother. Dan decides to get to the bottom of this. Show ’nuff.

Ollie comforts his woman and promises to take her off when he wins POV as long as Veto competition involves picking stuff up and does not involve birds in any way. Ollie tells April not to cry, since it really makes her look more like an onion than usual. April tells Ollie that her crying is strategy so she will look weak to the house. Jerry must be employing the same strategy as we see him taking a nap halfway through shaving.

WAH!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO GORGEOUS?!?!?!?!!!!

Keesha comes to visit Renny in the HOH room to have another one of their sexy pajama parties. When Keesha asks if Renny is comfortable with her choices Renny says that she likes Ollie and didn’t want to see such a sweet piece of dark meat up on the block and that no one should feel safe at this point in the game. Keesha admits that she doesn’t even feel safe with Renny as HOH having woken up with Renny towering over her holding a rubber glove and a bottle of Vicks Vap-O-Rub on more than one occasion.

We get a sneak peak at the fact that Jerry is going insane and has started talking to himself. Of course this started several years ago when the dementia set in. While Jerry lies in bed he says he misses his wife, his kids, his grandkids, his great grandkids, his great-great grandkids, etc etc.

It’stimetopickplayersforthevetocompetition! The only thing that could possibly go wrong here is if Ollie’s name comes out of that damn bag. Renny chooses first and gets Dan. April picks Keesha, and unfortunately Jerry picks Ollie. Not only will Ollie will be playing for April in the game, but due to the process of elimination Michelle is chosen as the M.C.

Dear Lord, this is the worse than the time Andrew Dice Clay hosted the Lillith Fair Show.

Ollie hopes that the challenge is something physical since he was never good at using his think box. Keesha, Dan and Memphis all commiserate, worrying that one of them will go on the block should April come off. Memphis states that Renny is a loose cannon. The type of player that shoots first and asks questions later. The kind of houseguest who will destroy $100,000 in city property to catch a perp only to get screamed at by her hard as nails police chief later, but Renny doesn’t care. She’s there to do a job.

“OK, THERE’S A CAR! IT’S….IT’S YELLOW! WITH A PURPLE STRIPE!! AND THERE’S A DUCK ON IT!!!”

When it’s time to play for the Veto Michelle emerges looking like Dark Phoenix with a Tony’s Home root perm. The players go to the backyard to find it decorated like Cindy McCain’s cocktail party, complete with a tank of hissing cockroaches, a python in a box, voodoo dolls, headstones, and punch bowls filled with blood. Ollie is visibly shaken since there is a stuffed crow sitting on a table that could very easily come alive and peck his eyes out with the slightest magical spell.

The houseguests have to answer questions about the items in the back yard after getting 5 minutes to study them. The person who comes closest to the correct answer, after choosing to stay in or opt out for the round, gets a point. The first player to three points wins.

First up the houseguests have to guess the length of the snake. Considering Ollie lied to April as to what 9 inches looks like she completely over estimates. Jerry comes closest and wins a point since the python is the same celebrity python that Britney Spears danced with at that awards show several years back. As it turns out Jerry is the president of Britney’s fan club. Ya think you know a guy.

Sorry baby. I meant centimeters. My bad.

Next up the houseguests have to guess how many pins are stuck into the eight voodoo dolls, which represent each of the remaining houseguests. Renny admits that she doesn’t like seeing her own doll with so many pins in it considering she knows a lot of people in Louisiana who practice voodoo. Over the years Renny has given enough bad weave jobs to assure that there are a couple dolls with pink wigs already being tortured.

Next the houseguests have to decide, sight unseen, how many Madagascar hissing cockroaches are in a tank. The tank is covered and the only way to determine the amount was to stick your hand in before the game began. Since April was the only one wishing to connect with her ancestors, no one else had the slightest idea. Dan came the closest with his ability to differentiate hisses from his years as a teacher.

Thirdly everyone remaining has to discern how many ounces of blood are in the punch bowl and glasses on the table. Jerry and Ollie both fold on this hand, which leaves Dan the winner of another point. At this point we can hear April whimper from the sidelines at all that perfectly good, delicious blood gone to waste.

Lastly Dan, Ollie, and Jerry are left to determine how many nails are hammered into a bed before it’s dragged back to the Chenbots guest room. When Jerry guesses a “bajoogidygillion” and Jerry guesses “olive loaf,” Dan is crowned the winner of the golden power of Veto.

Later in the house April tells Ollie that A: he’s good for nothing and B: she will do whatever it takes to get Dan to use the Veto on her. Seriously, anything. She will smile even though it gives her shooting pains in her stomach. April also remembers that she still has gold bars that she can use to sway Dan to her side just like pirates used to use in their reality shows. She can also promise that neither she nor Ollie will put Dan up on the block if they get HOH.

Why is Jerry the only one with a flattering doll? No fair!

Meanwhile Jerry takes Dan aside and picks this completely random moment to apologize for his “Judas” comment last week. After this sincere outpouring of emotions from Jerry, and April offering up her word and gold bars, neither of which are actually worth anything, Dan has made a decision. He says April has big, bleach blond hair and you can see her coming a mile away (unless there’s a snow storm), whereas Ollie hides behind that hair and ya never know what he’s thinking. I’m assuming it’s something like “boobies. April boobies. Boobies on April. Boobies de la Abril.”

Dan realizes that he is in serious need of a haircut, and pec implants, but first things first. Considering Renny is professional hair stylist Dan offers to let her cut his hair, with serious reservations. Since Renny always wears wigs he’s not entirely sure what’s going on under there. If it’s due to chemo or if it was a dye job that went horribly, horribly awry. Dan offers himself up as a shaggy guinea pig and personally I can’t think of anything more terrifying than Renny standing over me with a pair or scissors. Except possibly April standing over me with a hypodermic needle and a shot glass. Lucky for Dan Renny does a fine job and makes Dan look less like Joey Lawrence in Gimme a Break and more like Joey Lawrence in Blossom.

The annual table change takes place while everyone is outside causing them to once again ponder how many people have left and how few remain. Dan says, “Goodbye little spinny thing on top. We’ll miss you.” It’s called a Lazy Suzanne you lazy fuck!

Dan decides to take an opportunity to talk to Renny in the HOH room and for some reason is visibly nervous, most likely due to being in the presence of such beauty and grace. He asks Renny if she and Ollie made any kind of deal and Renny says absolutely not, other than the one where the agreed to meet on top of Empire State Building in one year if their feelings were still as undeniable. Dan tries to find out whom she would put up if he took someone off. Renny doesn’t give anything and keeps her cards close to her luscious, heaving bosom. This leaves Dan more confused and oddly turned on than before.

Why speak when I can say everything that needs to be said WITH MY EYES?

When it’s time for the Veto ceremony no one feels safe. Jerry worries that his casual apology may have seemed ill-timed. April is so concerned that she’s started to break out but luckily has some liquid paper to use as concealer. Ollie knows that if anyone comes off he is going up in their place, as do Keesha and Memphis. Michelle wonders if being a raging bitch from day one was actually a good strategy.

After Jerry gives his speech about growing up tough on the streets during the depression, and April gives her speech saying that she would like to be taken off but totally doesn’t expect to be, Dan thanks them for their speeches and says that this was a very difficult decision, especially after one of them offered him cash (a deliberate move to make everyone question who would stoop to such lows) before saying that he has chosen to not use the Veto.

Who will go home? April or Jerry? Do we care? I for one am sick of this two party system. Once again it’s choosing between a turd sandwich and a giant douche. Discuss.

It’s like an Anne Geddes poster in reverse.