First All-Star Evicted — But First, Chenbot Returns

Tonight was the first live show for this season of Big Brother All Stars, and it did not disappoint. The Chenbot had a major malfunction — so big that it required multiple apologies — we had a fairly exciting eviction, a nifty little HOH competition, some on-air swearing, and of course, the season debut of “BUT FIRST.” And if that wasn’t wonderful enough, the Chenbot said her catchphrase twice. Oh, what a glorious day!Tonight’s show began with the glowing image of Julie Chen greeting us from outside the Big Brother house. She wore shiny black pants that may or may not have been constructed from Hefty bags, and her white top was quite lovely, especially with that random “V” strap thing. I kind of expected a little medal to be hanging at the bottom of it, and gosh darnit, if anyone deserves a medal, it’s the Chenbot. Seven seasons of gleeful awkwardness doesn’t come easy!

Julie eventually sauntered into her studio and briefly recapped the week, telling us, “We’ve also seen a curious relationship beginning to blossom.” I was quite fond of the Chenbot’s delivery, particularly because after saying “beginning,” she executed a perfectly tiny laugh, as if to give the impression that she was actually amused. Whoever installed the “mini-giggle” plug-in deserves a raise. By the way, the “curious relationship” to which the Chenbot referred was that of Howie and Will. And to illustrate this point, the producers had images of the two guys appear on the flat screen behind Julie, along with the words “Summer Crush,” which were in turn adorned with little red hearts. Yes, fun times on the live show. Just imagine me attempting my best Julie laugh: ha… ha.. ha…

The Chenbot then asked us which contestant would be going home: Danielle or Alison. This was a major departure from previous seasons when the producers would force Julie to spit out long, wordy descriptions of the contestants. You know, like “Danielle, the property manager from Vacaville, California, or Alison, the medical saleswoman from Meadville, Pennsylvania.” A shorter, more efficient Chenbot? I liked the grace, but missed watching Julie slowly run out of air by the time she got halfway through the second person’s occupation. Some days, I swear, I thought she might just pass out.

Then, just when we were settling into complacency, we came upon the most anticipated moment of the new season: our first “But First!” Yes, the Chenbot swiveled to the right, looked at the camera, and without skipping a beat or winking at the camera, she uttered the two words that she’s become famous around the globe for: “But first.” It was like someone had told me I’d just won the lottery. The amount adrenaline and joy coursing through my veins at that moment bordered on scary. I don’t want to get into too many details, but I’m seriously researching brands of adult diapers.

Okay, I kid. My continence is just fine. No puddles here, except maybe the puddle of joy that came from watching the Chenbot back in action. However, as welcomed as this moment was, we still had business to take care of: namely, some last minute scheming before the final vote. We then headed into the house and watched the action unfold from the past few days.

First we came upon Alison who was still bitter about her nomination and veto loss. If she somehow survived this week, she pledged to go after Janelle. “I am the most vengeful bitch in this house!” she proclaimed. She’s right. She still sends nasty letters to Phil Keoghan for eliminating her on The Amazing Race. And those letters: written in the blood of Donny. Funny how she doesn’t talk about him anymore. It’s because he’s DEAD! Okay, I just made that up. Sorry, I go on tangents sometimes.

While Alison stewed in revenge fantasies, Danielle told us she was going to play the game as clean as possible, which was a major change from her usual crafty ways. We then saw her in the pantry talking to Chicken George, trying to change his vote in her favor. She told him that if he were in the same predicament, she would certainly give him her vote. Well, that was enough for Chicken George! “I like you. All right,” he said, agreeing to pledge his loyalty to Danielle. Good to see he really thinks about these things. As Danielle walked out of the room, he then called out after her, “So you’ll remember me?” She assured him that she would, which we all knew was probably a lie, but that’s okay. I give Chicken George fourteen minutes before he forgets the whole damn conversation. I mean, the guy couldn’t find the diary room for crying out loud.

Out in the backyard, Alison talked to Nakomis about a burgeoning alliance with her and Diane, and the two agreed that they’d work together — but quietly. I’m not sure there’s such a thing as a “loud alliance” with Nakomis involved. Meanwhile, upstairs, Danielle cozied up to Janelle and said she wasn’t coming after any of the BB6ers. For whatever reason, Janelle believed her and said that all the season six people as well as Erika were on her side. Danielle then asked about Marcellas — as if she had any chance to earn his vote. We then cut to a closeup of him, and yes, he was wearing a hat that said marcellasreynolds.com. I’m all about self-promotion, but this was ridiculous.

Later, out on the lawn, homoerotic tension brewed as Will, Boogie, and Jase all stretched out on the grass. Then again, homoerotic tension brews wherever Jase goes. He could be having sex with a woman, and it would still seem homoerotic. Anyway, the three guys agreed that the best move would be to keep Alison in the house so that she could battle it out with Janelle and cause chaos. “Cat fight central!” Boogie told us, adding, “It’s gonna be off the HOOK!” Yes, just as off the hook as your awesome headband — a.k.a. the mandana of 2006.

Jase then approached Alison in the bathroom and told her, “You’ve got me, Diane, Nakomis, and then Dr. Will and Boogie.” Plus, a little later, Diane then noted that Marcellas would vote in favor of her too. This would be a close one, but it wasn’t enough. Alison still needed to turn more people. Her first mark: James. She approached him as he was reading what appeared to be a picture book about architecture and nonsensically told him that she was going after Howie, Kaysar, and Erika. Wonderful move, Alison. Nothing curries someone favor like telling them that you’ll be taking out his entire alliance. Count him in!

Sure enough, James was more than confused by Alison divulgence. “She’s not as bright as I thought she was,” he said. Of course, the real shocker there was that James thought she was bright at all. Nevertheless, the result of Alison’s attempt at strategizing was that James became more determined than ever to send her home. Wow, Alison. Really knocking this one out of the park!

Later that night, James walked up to Boogie, who was half asleep in his bed (can he still be called Boogie if he’s in bed? Doesn’t seem to be very boogie-ish to be partially comatose) and told him that Alison was going around, telling people that everyone was voting to keep her in the game. Of course, because she’s a nosy busybody, Alison surreptitiously stuck her head in the room and listened to the entire conversation. But before you get too excited to hear about some sort of crazy confrontation, I’ll just tell you right now that while the eavesdropping was certainly crafty and evil, it resulted in nothing — not talk, no change in strategy, no nothing. Didn’t Alison know that anytime you eavesdrop, you have to post a note that says, “You should have stayed in Philly, you low life bitch!” (If you haven’t seen that episode of The Real World, you really have to).

James then reminded us that Alison absolutely had to go. “She’s willing to do anything, and those are the scariest people.” Yup, exactly. But I still had a feeling that Danielle would be leaving. She just had too big of a target on her back.

Boogie then came on screen and babbled about something. The only thing noteworthy about what he had to say was that he introduced us to his latest slang for the BB6ers: he called them “S6.” As in Season 6. Look, simplistic acronyms just cannot be alliance names. Put some imagination into it. S6 sounds like some lame tax form.

Outside, Danielle and Nakomis sat together and complained that no one had approached them to see where they stood on anything. This made them feel isolated and vulnerable, and before we knew it, Danielle was crying in the diary room about how people had said such awful things about her after season three. She then explained that she never went into the game to make friends. She just wanted to earn money. For the family. For the kids. For the — oh, enough already. Anytime contestants play the “family” card, I instantly zone them out. Look, there’s a reason why I’m not watching Pax or ABC Family. So SHUT UP.

While Danielle teared all over the place, Erika, Marcellas, and Janelle discussed voting strategies. Erika and Janelle were nervous about Alison being in the house, but Marcellas, on the other hand, absolutely couldn’t vote for Danielle. What a quandary! He then verbalized his dilemma in ways that I really felt I could relate to: “How do you choose between gonorrhea or the clap?”

And on that lovely note, we returned to Julie Chen, smiling broadly as if the mere mention of STDs was the most hilarious thing ever (which it sort of is). The Chenbot excitedly grasped her little Jeopardy clicker and addressed the houseguests. Of course, she complimented Howie on his “Thanks Julie” t-shirt, which I liked a great deal, but let’s keep it real. When it comes to Chenbot catch phrases, it’s all about But First.

Nevertheless, Julie told Howie, “You were allll about the ladies last summer, but this summer, you seem to be smitten with a certain doctor in the house.” Oh DAMN! She went there. Holla at your Chenbot! Indeed, all the house guests went crazy, and Will, for one, looked absolutely embarrassed. Hey man, you gotta reap what you sew. When you slather your head in that sexy, flammable gel, you’re gonna attract all sorts of suitors.

Julie then trained her eye of humiliation on Chicken George and his snoring as she said, “Will, I hear one of your housemates has been serenading you to sleep with his sweet sounds.” She then followed up by asking Will, “How are you dealing with Chicken George’s nocturnal melodies?” I think the more pressing question was how was Les Moonves dealing with the Chenbot’s nocturnal melodies. I bet she sounds like a slot machine when she powers down before going to sleep.

Eventually, Julie said goodbye to everyone and then gave us another treat. Yes, she once again uttered a casual “But First!” That brought the total to two before the first commercial break. I was beyond excited. At this rate, we could be up to four or five by the hour’s end (little did I know that would be the last “but first” of the week).

Before heading to commercial, we then saw some of the house guests weigh their eviction options in the diary room. Marcellas happily bashed Danielle, saying, “Everybody knows she’ll stab you in the back. Everybody knows she’ll like stick a blade in you, cut you open, eat your heart, crap it out, and give it back to you.” And exactly who in this cast wouldn’t do that? It’s not like we have a terribly meek household here.

We also saw Diane, who said that since Danielle hadn’t approached her about any sort of deal, she was therefore going to vote to evict her. And that’s exactly what she did. By the way, we noticed a ring on Diane’s ring finger. Could she possibly be engaged? And to who? Drew’s twin brother Ben? Scott? MARVIN?

When we returned from the break, Julie began babbling about Jase. She noted how he was one of the most unpopular All Stars ever, but this season, “it’s a whole new Jase.” Well, all new except for the crazy hair and dumb fashion choices and constant shirtless-ness. But aside from that, brand new Jase! We then cut to footage of him from season five, and almost instantly, I wanted to barf. I didn’t care on what or who was watching. Every time I heard Jase do his Goat Boy impersonation, I just wanted to hurl on SOMETHING (ideally a keepsake of Jase’s).

Jase then told us, “I think Jase learned a little bit about himself in Big Brother 5.” One thing he clearly didn’t learn: never speak about yourself in the third person.

Nevertheless, Jase proudly noted that he was “more of a refined player” now. And yet, he still refused to ever wear a shirt, instead opting to tote around the nearest quilt or comforter like a giant, unwieldy cape. Actually, to his credit, Jase was playing a much better game this time around. He noted that he was holding back, watching the big personalities combat each other and then implode. He also claimed that he was gonna coast through the competitions, but I think that was merely his way to justify losing to Janelle during the veto challenge.

Just when I was starting to maybe change my opinion of Jase, we then saw old footage of Holly feeding him food and squeaking, “Little bird, you want your little food?” Never before had I wished I could shoot her with a BB gun right through the TV. I would have tried, but at that point, it was too late. Her chirpy voice had already infiltrated the nether regions of my brain and was stuck in there like water trapped in an ear canal. Shake as hard as you want — you ain’t getting rid of it for quite some time.

We then watched Jase in the present scheming up a storm in the household. He was simultaneously plotting along with the BB6ers and plotting against them. We saw him tell Diane and Nakomis that he was most loyal to them, but then two seconds later, he revealed to us that he was merely blowing smoke (among other things) up everyone’s asses. Case in point: we then saw Jase tell Howie, “You have amazing teeth, dude… you white those or what?” And of course Howie, being the chump that he is, smiled broadly and thanked him — as if his life had suddenly been validated. Move over Dr. Will. Looks like there’s a new summer crush in town!

Anyway, this little Jase montage soon ended with him straddling the diary room chair and yelling, “I’m riding this whole house like a mechanical bull!” — the very same mechanical bull that he soon will be operating once his life as a Big Brother star comes to an end.

“Gosh, I wish this couch were Howie.”

Back to the live show, Julie began talking with Jase in the HOH room, and any mild respect I had given him for becoming such a schemer was instantly lost when I saw his latest look: a blue argyle sweater vest, a navy tie, and hair so spikey it threatened to impale anything in a ten yard radius. Honestly, swordfish were looking at it and saying, “Damn, he better be careful with that.”

Julie asked him how he liked being co-HOH, and Jase (GOD! The hair! So distracting!) answered, “Actually, it worked out amazingly. Is ‘amazingly’ even a word?” Yes, Jase. It’s one of those crazy things we call “adverbs.” Try not to let it hurt your head too much.

Anyway, the interview rambled on for a few moments, and I was quite disconcerted to hear Jase use the term “S6″ also. Seriously, they have to stop. If you’re going to name an alliance, be colorful. Don’t make me pine for the days of the “Santa Monica Van Boys.” (Yes, I know “BB6ers” isn’t very colorful either, but it’s more an abbreviation of convenience, not an official naming.)

Nevertheless, at one point, Jase boasted that he was the biggest threat in the household and said, “Make sure my name is spelled right on the check please.” Amazingly (see, it is a word!), Julie didn’t even register this comment, for surely she would have responded with an obligatory, robotic “Ha. Ha. Ha.” Man, she was rapidly falling off her game. But she did redeem herself at the end of the interview when she said, “Well, thank you Jase, and by the way, we miss your mandana.” Oh CHENBOT! What’s up with all the ribbing tonight? This wasn’t the tin woman we knew and love. It was like Vicky from Small Wonder had grown up and become the Termanatrix from Terminator 3. Total robotic metamorphosis.

Oh, and for all of you wondering, Jase did promise that the mandana would be back. Wonderful. We’ll be waiting with baited breath.

Julie then turned to another camera in a classic “But first” move, but instead, she gave us the considerably lamer “Right now.” I guess she’s trying to keep us on our toes this summer. I’m telling you: her AI is getting out of control. She must be contained!

We then saw more house guests talk about the nominees from inside the diary room. James said Alison had to go — it was a no brainer. Chicken George then told us he had to keep Danielle around because she had made a deal “to not nominate me all the way to the end.” As far as I could tell, no long-term deal was struck between the two — just a minor agreement — but I guess you can’t expect someone named “Chicken George” to be an ace with the little details. Or the big details. Or anything at all, really. He should really just leave the show. Nevertheless, he voted to evict Alison, bringing the tally to 1-1.

After the break, we then found the Chenbot sitting down as she interviewed Janey in the HOH room (I guess after standing for so long with Jase, Julie’s legs were in need of bending, lest they suddenly rust over and lock into position). Anyway, Janelle babbled about being co-HOH and how it was a little challenging. She also noted how her alliance was the most dominant in the house, which had me worried that the specter of hubris rear its ugly head soon. As for the people in her season that she trusts the most, Janelle cited Kaysar and Howie, and then added, “And I trust James a little bit.” Ah, dissension amongst the ranks already. And it’s only the third episode! Did I mention how much I love Big Brother ?

We then moved on to an annoying little segment that focused on Alison and her life and times on Big Brother. I didn’t really care about this, but I was happy to see Justin from season four again, and I was even happier to see that his stupid Caesar haircut was long gone. We also met Alison’s current boyfriend named Jason. Or as I like to call him, Blandy McSquareBoring. Turns out this Jason fella was a doctor (we could tell by the stethoscope around his neck), and on top of that, he could make me fall asleep in less than two seconds. No need for an anesthesiologist. Just bring Jason in!

I’m already asleep.

I couldn’t believe that Alison was dating a doctor, or rather, that a doctor would date Alison. I even entertained the idea that Jason was merely just a hospital janitor galavanting around like the second coming of House, M.D. But then I realized that it all made sense. Alison of course had moved onto the gold-digging phase of her life, and Jason had moved onto his “Get me a blonde girl who looks decent enough” phase of his life. Together, the two fulfilled those superficial voids in each other’s lives. Can’t wait for the affairs to begin in ten years.

Nevertheless, Jason told us that regarding Alison, “if she wants this relationship to work, she has to do certain things [in the house] and not do certain things [in the house].” Things she should do: win a million bucks and bring it home to poppa. Things she shouldn’t do: be a total whore. Yes, high demands all around.

Later, Jason tried to convince us that Allie was no longer the lying, spoiled brat that we all knew and loathed. “Since season four, Allie has changed immensely,” he said. And by “changed immensely,” he meant “dumped Donny and found a man who would be earning over $150,000 this year.”

Jason then made the wildest proclamation of all. He said, “You can see this girl is the next President of the United States. Without question.” GOD NO. Clearly Jason was talking about Chelsea Clinton or something and the producers took it out of context. I mean, even Jason has to know that his girl is a total idiot. Then again, maybe she really will be Prez.

We then had another commercial break, which meant more commentary from the house guests. Will explained that he wanted Alison in the house because “blonde girls hate blonde girls.” Much in the same way that America hates YOUR HEADBAND. All kidding aside, I had to admit: I wanted Alison out, but I’d have been quite happy to see a Janelle/Alison showdown also. Maybe a retread of last summer’s total house meltdown…

As for Howie, he told us that “the only reason to keep Alison around is that she looks awesome in a bikini.” He then added, “Which would be awesome if I weren’t already spooning with Dr. Will. I’m sorry, I just I love his oil slick hair.”

Ultimately, we saw Kaysar vote against Alison and Nakomis vote against Danielle. 2-2. Clearly the rest of the votes were for one person, but who? Had to be Alison. Why would the producers air a whole segment about her and nothing for Danielle? It was clearly her sendoff.

Nevertheless, when we returned, the nominees addressed the household one final time before the results were read. Danielle graciously told everyone, “Thank you, and I respect and love all you guys.” She then added, “Well, not you, Marcellas. I hate you.”

“Hate you.” “Hate you too, bitch.”

Alison followed with an equally generic speech, and then finally, it was time for the results. By a vote of eight to two, the first person evicted from Big Brother All Stars was… Alison! YES! Hahaha. To think, an entire summer without having to see her bulbous nose. Perfect. Well, hugs were had all around (except for Danielle. No one wanted to even come close to her). Boogie told Alison to go to his restaurant, Dolce, and of course he said this while wearing a t-shirt for his other restaurant, Geisha House. Hey, how about you sell freakin’ coffee mugs on the show too. And jewelry. And toe clippings. And whatever else you want, BOOGIE.

As soon as Alison had marched out the front door, Danielle thanked everyone for sparing her, but everyone replied with dagger eyes and restrained sneers. And again, no one hugged her. She might as well have said, “I have a rampant case of scabies.”

Danielle’s ONLY hug.

Well, Alison stepped into the Chenbot’s lair where our hostess informed her, “You can drop your bag. We’ll handle it.” She then added, “My sister, Roomba Chen, will take care of everything.”

As Alison then got all mic’d up, we returned to the household where all the roommates were staring at the living room TV screen, transfixed like moths to a flame. Or middle-aged women at a Celine Dion concert.

“Look at the picture box! I’ve never seen anything like it! Are there people living in there?”

I recoiled once again at the sight of Jase’s porcupine hair, and then the camera settled on Danielle who stood alone, sadly. Again, people were steering way clear of her, barely even recognizing her presence. You know, maybe she just had horrendous, horrendous body odor. Meanwhile, Howie took this chance to grasp onto Will and seek out a kiss, but sadly, he was rebuffed like many a poor polo shirt in Jase’s closet.

Back in the studio, Julie reminded Alison that despite her second place finish on season four, she was now first out of All-Stars AND “by the way, when you tried out and you went on Amazing Race, you didn’t make it that far either.” Oh SLAM! What’s next Julie? You going to remind her about the time she didn’t get the lead in the fourth grade musical? Or the time Joey Stevens didn’t give her a Valentines in homeroom? C’mon Julie. BRING IT.

Well, Alison chalked up her short time in the house to her maturation into a woman. “I think I’ve lost my evil touch,” she laughed. No, I think it was more because people just know that you’re a lying slut (except for your boyfriend, that is). Julie then asked her why she didn’t flirt this time around, and Alison said it was because she had found the person she wanted to be / spend money with forever.

“Because last time you went in, you did have a boyfriend but you knew he wasn’t the one?” Chenbot then asked, referring to Donny. Alison said yes, she knew he wasn’t the one, causing Julie to suddenly frown with random sadness, which of course morphed into the RoboLaugh. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Then the real fun began. Julie decided to read the various negative comments Alison had made towards Janelle. “You have called her fat, busto, a lying fat ass, even a BITCH.” Okay, until you’ve heard Julie Chen say the words “lying fat ass” and “bitch,” you simply have not lived. Oh, and then it got better. Julie then continued: “You said quote ‘I’m gonna pull her out by her fake boobs and her fake hair and drown her in the pool.’” Oh my god. This was classic Chenbot. It kind of reminded me of the first time I discovered the text-to-speech function on my Mac, and how I would write all these curse words and inflammatory statements and have my computer recite them. It was as if the producers had done the same thing to Julie Chen.

Nevertheless, when faced with these quotes, Alison immediately back-peddled and said that she and Janelle would “probably be friends outside of the house.” Yeah, and I would probably think The George Lopez Show was hilarious. Not gonna happen.

Finally, it was time to see the house guests messages for Alison. They were all mostly sweet and complimentary. Danielle told Alison, “I have five words for you: to honor you is an eye for an eye, Allie-Bear.” Uh, I believe that was eleven words, but that’s just me and my “basic arithmetic.” (I think maybe she was referring to the “an eye for an eye” part, but still, she did say eleven words.)

As usual, there was one bitter video, and it came, from all places, Nakomis. “If you’re seeing this right now, it’s because you opened up your mouth, you told a bunch of lies, and you should have just kept your mouth shut,” she said. Wow! I love bitterness from so-called mellow people. Nakomis HATES lies!

The last video was the most surprising. It was from Alison’s arch-rival Erika who was all full of tears and regret. “I guess I’m crying because I felt like I needed to have some sense of getting you back, and feeling this way just makes me think that I’m not really a vengeful type of person,” Erika said. I wasn’t totally sure what she was trying to say — maybe that she felt bad for seeking revenge? I don’t know. It was very sweet; although, it made really no sense at all.

We then headed to the commercial break, but first (oh shit! I just did a but first), Julie told us that Alison would be participating in the HOH competition tonight. In fact, the game would be called “Alison Rules.” I couldn’t wait. Just the mere sight of the little stalls in the backyard had sent my heart into palpitations. Would Julie monumentally screw something up? Or would she freak out with the players, demanding that they show their answers RIGHT NOW.

When we came back from commercial, Julie told us that we were returning to the traditional format of one Head of Household. She then told everyone that during the commercial break, Alison had answered a series of true or false questions. The house guests then had to guess how Alison responded to each question. Anyone with an incorrect answer would be eliminated, and the last one standing would be the sole HOH. So let’s get started!

Question 1: “Alison believes that Howie is smarter than Will.” Okay, Alison isn’t that bright, but she’s not a total idiot. No way she could say true to that. Sure enough, the answer was false, which is what everyone had said. No eliminations.

Question 2: “Alison thinks the All-Star most likely to wear a peanut butter bikini is Kaysar.” Yeah, no way she wrote true to this. Once again, everyone answered “false,” and everyone was right. No eliminations.

Question 3: “Prior to entering the Big Brother All Star house, Alison believed her toughest competition was Erika.” I actually believed that to be true, and yup, Alison did say true. Only Nakomis and Kaysar answered correctly, which meant that everyone else was eliminated in one fell swoop. Chenbot could hardly believe it. Of course, Boogie walked off to the side with his arms in the air as if he were being applauded by a live studio audience… which he wasn’t. He must just always hear rapturous ovations in his head. That’s the only way I can explain him.

Nevertheless, on to Question 4: “The person Alison believe will gain the most weight in the house this summer is Janelle.” Hahaha — I love the instigative questions. The camera then trained on Janelle’s face, and we could clearly see her say, “She sucks.” Well, Nakomis and Kaysar both answered true, which was correct. Both advanced again. By the way, I think it’s clear that this summer’s biggest inflater will surely be Howie. He’s already puffed up about three sizes in one week.

Finally, Question 5: “Alison believes the All Star most likely to seek revenge by using someone’s toothbrush to clean the toilet is Will.” Kaysar said false. Nakomis said true. Uh oh. Somebody was gonna be eliminated. This would be the deciding question. Who would it be?

The answer was false, which meant Kaysar won HOH! Or did he? The Chenbot inexplicably announced, “Nakomis, congratulations. You are the new Head of Househo–” Suddenly, somebody must have rebooted her because Julie then yelled, “OH I’M SO SORRY!!! It is Kaysar! My mistake!!! Sorry, Nakomis!” She felt so embarrassed and ashamed! I loved the huge Chenpology! First major Chenbot malfunction of the season! Huzzah!

“Uh… you sure about that, Julie?”

“Bow down to the mighty pit stain!”

Well, King Kaysar raised his arm in triumph, revealing a King Pitstain. But that was okay. Kaysar’s the best, and I was very excited with this development. It meant that Janelle would be safe a week longer. Plus, I was interested to see what strategic move Kaysar would then make. Of course, having the BB6ers win twice in a row just paints a bigger target on their backs, and it didn’t help when after the victory, Howie and Janelle nearly dry-humped Kaysar on the lawn. It was such an over-the-top celebration that James had to yell, “Calm the fuck down!” And no, the “fuck” wasn’t beeped out — not even on the West Coast. I’m debating putting up an audio clip, but I sort of don’t want to get Big Brother in trouble with the FCC, lest CBS yank the show in a fit of self-censorship.

We then had one last commercial break, and then we returned to the house living room where our intrepid hostess Chenpologized again to Kaysar. “I’m so sorry. I was trying to psych you out. No, I wasn’t. I made a mistake,” she said, surprisingly tossing in a light joke. I didn’t know if it was just me, but the 2006 Chenbot series seemed to be way more personable than ever before. Nevertheless, Julie asked Kaysar how he felt, and he replied that he felt, you guessed it, good. Hey, you know what else would feel good, Kaysar? A HAIRCUT. Somebody shave that nest off his head.

And that was the end of the episode. What did you think? Happy to see Alison go? Or should it have been Danielle’s time? And what did you think of Julie Chen tonight?