One of the best things about Big Brother is how utterly unpredictable it can be, even when it’s being totally predictable. Last week, I was going around like a loudmouth drunkard saying how Diane and Nakomis would go to the final four (of course, that’s assuming that loudmouth drunkards go around talking about Big Brother). Now, seven days later, it’s a whole new game. Kaysar put both women up on the chopping block on Sunday — but would they earn a reprieve with the veto? And would Kaysar ever realize that he’s become the new Howie of 2006?First off, let me just say that this is going to be an interesting recap of Big Brother. First of all, I’m starting late — 11:19 PM, specifically. You can thank a general restless nature / occasional ADD problem for that. The good news is that I have opted to sacrifice my laundry tonight to write this recap, which I suppose won’t matter for the most of you. As for me, it looks like it’ll be a stunning day of black socks and white shorts tomorrow. In another bit of poor planning, I also just ate my McDonald’s-supplied dinner about three minutes ago, which means the specter of food coma lingers over this recap like the stank of Alison in the Big Brother hot tub. I’m crossing my fingers that I don’t slip into a world of slumber, but in case I do, you’ll just have to excuse what will surely be a nifty collection of run-on sentences and general babble. Speaking of which, that’s exactly what I’m doing right now, so let’s get started!
As the hour began, we had to endure a blue-and-white flashback of Kaysar’s dumb, dumb nominations. Granted, last week I kept saying how the sharks should focus on the floaters, but in the specific case of King Kaysar, he really should have put up at least one resident of Chill Town (also known as the lamest town on Earth). Nevertheless, as we saw the cast members pull out their keys, the camera trained on Diane, whose eyes showed complete incredulity.
“It could probably be the crappiest feeling that I’ve had yet in this house,” she said. Really? Worse than that time when a guy called “Boogie” grabbed your ass and shoved your face deep into a trough of “slop”? Surely, that had to be a low point. Luckily, the houseguests were just as mystified by Kaysar’s selections as we were. Marcellas was truly p.o.’d, calling the picks “lame-ass.” Janelle felt that he had taken the easy way out, and Will, well, he laughed that Kaysar had just bought himself two or three weeks. And by “weeks,” he meant “days.” For even if Will wasn’t going to specifically put Kaysar up, one of the other houseguests would, and that wouldn’t be in violation of any stupid arrangement.
Nakomis, meanwhile, was still trying to piece together her nomination. She felt she was the least threatening person in the house. “I mean, I’m up on the block with my alliance. A two person alliance — whooo!!” she mocked. It was a lot funnier when she said it.
Kaysar explained to us that he chose Nakomis because she was strong and stealth. Yes, but she wasn’t coming after you. We then cut back to the dining room as all the house guests rose from the table and scattered. Kaysar apologized to Nakomis and Diane, the latter of which brushed the whole thing off by saying, “Totally cool.” Translation: “I hate you more than cancer.” The HOH then told us the reason why he had put Diane up was because he wanted to scare her. Oh, that’s good. Better to scare a possible agitator rather than eliminate your biggest rival.
Anyway, even though he had hugged them both and apologized and all that, Kaysar still followed Diane and Nakomis into their room, asking to be further relieved from the guilt that plagued him. Look, unspoken rule: when you nominate someone, you give them a perfunctory apology and hug and then you just leave them alone. So Kaysar, you know, GO AWAY. Alas, he did not. Instead, he became the most annoying HOH ever, whining, “Diiiiiannnne.” Seriously. Just stop.
Eventually, he did leave, but the damage was done. Diane was a total sadsack. She cried about the whole situation, saying she wasn’t cutthroat anymore because “I killed all my brain cells because I smoked TOO MUCH POT!!!” She then giggled, looked around, and said, “You know what I never realized before? This room is like rectangular. It’s like crazy, man. I want waffles.”
Okay, she didn’t say that, but she did wallow in her own grief, which kind of annoyed Nakomis. The tattooed one observed that Diane had a convenient way of making everyone feel sorry for her. Nakomis, on the other hand, had only one tactic: to say “cool beans” enough times to make people keep her. Adding a little poseur flavor the proceedings, Mike Boogie walked in an unnecessarily lied to Diane and swore that he did not make a deal with Kaysar to have her put up. I don’t know why he voluntarily decided to box himself into a corner like that, but you can’t ask too many questions from a man who wears headbands from four years ago.
Boogie then told us, “Diane is a girl that I never would have met in my outside life.” Except, um, that they both live in Los Angeles, both hang out with former Big Brother stars, and he owns several clubs and restaurants that she probably goes to. But aside from that, they’d never have a chance to meet.
We then headed into the diary room where Will and Boogie executed a dreadfully forced skit about Kaysar’s nominations. Mike pretended to call Will and shared the news that they hadn’t been put on the chopping block. The two then laughed maniacally. And then they made sweet, sweet love. Okay, maybe not that last part. Anyway, Boogie then appeared in the diary room alone and said “What makes Will and I stronger than the S6 alliance is that we play with no fear. We’re going to end up running things in this house. It’s just a matter of time.” For now, I believe him — just because Kaysar has made his second catastrophically idiotic move in his Big Brother career. But if Janelle ever gets into power, we might be looking at a whole new ballgame.
Speaking of Janelle, we soon found her staring at the tarantulas that populate the glass cases in between the yellow bug room and the red giant-bed room (sorry if there are official room nicknames. I’m blissfully unaware of them, as you can tell). Anyway, Janelle told us she wished the spiders were something cuter and more beautiful — like kittens. I personally would love to watch four kittens stuck in a glass box in the wall, but that’s just me.
Janey, Marcellas, and the rest of the gang then set about naming the spiders (incidentally, I started watching some of the live feeds, and this was the first thing I saw. Yes, I had a moment). The littlest tarantula they named Cowboy, in honor of his diminutive stature. The ugly one they named Monica; the hairiest one was Bunky (this then led to a Bunky flashback. Man, that guy was hirsute), and the “pretty” one was Lisa. Marcellas then made an offhand comment about Monica being ugly, and those cruel, cruel producers cut to a nasty tarantula — with Monica’s face superimposed on it. Jerks! (That was awesome.) For some reason, I felt that bit of snarky editing was a shout-out to us fans in the blogosphere.
In yawn-worthy news, we then headed over to JaseWorld where he was talking to James about being thirty years old. He then began babbling about the first time he did the show and how he was single at the time and blah blah blah. The last thing we wanted to hear is Jase being reflective, but sadly, that’s what we got. It only took about ten seconds before he began the ol’ yarn about his new soon-to-be stepchild. “I tuck this little girl into bed every night… and that’s what’s killing me being here,” he noted. Hey, if it’s killing you, DON’T COME. Jase then commented, “It’s not about me at all. Now it’s about this little girl Caleigh and her mom… It’s about all of us this time.” He then added, “Plus my collection of mandanas. I’m doing it for them. Love those kerchiefs.”
Just when I thought this awful moment would end, Jase continued. He droned on about how he’d finally won Caleigh over as a father figure, and now where was he? GONE! Yeah, and who’s fault was that? Don’t air your paternal guilt on us, Jase. Just stand in the corner and flex your lats like you usually do. That’s really all we expect out of you.
Later, in the hot tub, crafty Will was trying to sew seeds of paranoia and anxiety over the BB6ers. Say what you will about him, but at least he understands the subtle art of turning people against each other. Oh how I’d love to see him on Survivor. Satisfied that he was sufficiently manipulating the household, Will then sat back and put his hands behind his head, allowing us to view the full splendor of his powder-white, hairless armpits. It was like staring at a bald polar bear.
After the break, we found Howie hopping into the HOH shower for a good ol’ wash. Unfortunately, he just so happened to forget his towel, and with that infernal camera staring at him, he feared his privates might soon appear on the internet. Howie called out to Kaysar for help, but alas, the HOH was listening to music, deaf to the desperate pleas coming from the bathroom. Well, eventually Howie had to do the unthinkable: he had to cover his pee-pee, step out of the stall, and grab his bathing suit, which was lying on the floor. He did this slowly and deliberately, whistling all along the way. Yes, this wasn’t staged at all. Just more of those silly Howie antics! (Groan)
Downstairs, in sob central, Diane told us a sob story about how she’ll probably leave California if she gets kicked out of the house now. This was sad for us because clearly she’s such an integral member of the Golden State. I couldn’t imagine what we’d do without her. She then bawled about not having a career and living day to day. Has she even met anyone in Hollywood? That’s what this town’s all about. Well, Nakomis suggested that she simply find a rich boyfriend. I think that’s a great idea. I know this guy named Drew who won $500,000 on this show called Big Bro– oh wait. Never mind.
Later on, perhaps fraught with boredom or simply needing a break from Diane’s self-pity, Nakomis decided to die her hair hues of yellow and orange — like fire, if you will (somebody tell Brandon Davis. Firehead!). Well, this crazy ‘do had the house buzzing. Jase in particular noted, “She’s got hair that’s flaming red, and she just doesn’t quite fit in.” This is opposed to Jase, whose hair is the epitome of normalcy. The resident stylist of the group, Marcellas, then told us that her hair was “a hot mess” — a courageous but ill-advised choice. Okay, basically, everyone bashed her hair — first expressing surprise and then disgust. Was I the only one completely unfazed by this? I mean, it’s not like she was known for having normal hair color anyway. And if I’m not mistaken, I think Jase has more colors in his hair than Nakomis has had in both seasons combined.
The segment quickly turned from lighthearted and amusing to undeservingly cruel when Howie remarked, “It’s not the color of the hair’s fault the face is ugly.” OUCH. Bold words coming from a man whose midsection has ballooned into a fleshy beach ball.
Later that night, there was more house guest fun as Janelle and Marcellas paused by the key-wall and analyzed everyone’s photos. “God, we’re a good looking cast,” Janelle observed. The two then commented on how everyone’s pictures looked like they were from a soap opera. Will was the evil one, Erika the sexy brunette, Diane the trailer trash, Howie the fondler. But what about Boogie? “Mike Boogie’s the character that’s so straight, but he’s really gay, and he’s having a clandestine relationship with me,” Marcellas joked. We then saw an image of the two on screen along with the text, “Boogie & Marcellas: Clandestine Lovers.” I think Marcellas got the raw end of that fantasy (no pun intended).
Oh, and for all those wondering, Chicken George’s role in “the company” was the janitor. Personally, I think he’s more of a leading man type. Just imagine him performing these monologues.
But enough silliness. Back to the game! We soon found Janelle hanging out with her alliance and musing, “The more and more I think about it, Kaysar’s nominations just suck!” EXACTLY. She then told Howie and James that their faithful HOH had made a deal with Chill Town not to put them up this week. But did that deal include immunity for the whole alliance, or just Kaysar? Either way, James felt sold out. “I wouldn’t trust those people for anything,” he scoffed. Why? Just because Dr. Will schemed and lied his way to the big prize in season two? Psssh. James then made the salient point that Kaysar could have made the exact same deal with Diane and Nakomis to ensure his safety, but chances were, those two would probably keep their word a lot longer than Mike and Will. You know what, James? Just stop talking. It’s too frustrating to think about how dumb Kaysar had been.
As we headed into the commercial break, Janelle then told us that if she were to play and win the veto, she might just have to change one of Kaysar’s nominations. Don’t tease us like that, Janelle! Don’t tease us! You’re raising my hopes, and I don’t want to be disappointed!
Well, when we came back from the break, it was time for the Veto Competition! “No one here’s gonna use the Veto,” Diane told us pessimistically. Hmmm… sounded like misdirection to me, right? Right?
Anyway, as per the new Veto rules, Kaysar, Nakomis, and Diane spun a wheel to determine the other three participants for the big competition. First player: Will. Dammit. He’d never use the Veto. Next was Erika — same thing. Definitely not a Veto user. And lastly, James. Okay, now we were getting somewhere. He was our only hope of somehow getting a Chill Town member on the chopping block. Before heading outside, Kaysar then had to pick a host for the event, and that person was… Chicken George? Okay, that’s Kaysar’s third major blunder in this game. Can’t he do anything right? I think that was more unforgivable than his nominations and the button-pressing fiasco combined!
The gang then headed into the backyard, which had been transformed into a cool little golf course. “I thought I was at Pebble Beach!” Boogie exclaimed to us. To be fair, he also thinks “Chill Town” and “Boogie” and armbands are all cool.
Chicken George then got to work introducing us to this event, and pretty much as soon as he opened up his mouth, I kid of wished he’d fall into one of those sand traps and not come back up until the end of the season. SHUT UP, CHICKEN GEORGE.
Well, the basic way this competition worked was that there was a hole on a green across the yard. Players had to hit an oversized golf ball with an oversized golf club. The closer they were to the hole, the fewer balls they had to put in their tube (you see, they each had tubes, and once those tubes filled up with seven balls, they’d be eliminated). Depending on where the ball landed, players had to put three, two, or one balls in their tube. And if they were really lucky, they could give a ball away to someone else. Balls balls balls balls balls.
Anyway, first up was Nakomis who promptly hit her ball right into a water trap. Three balls for her! Diane was next, and having learned absolutely nothing from Nakomis, she too hit the ball into the water. Three for her too! James managed to clear the water, but he hit too hard and earned three balls too. He then revealed to us that he wanted to throw the competition so he wouldn’t come off as super powerful again this season. Yeah… but… we need you to win the veto!
Kaysar then got up there and tried to real hard to hit the green, but… three balls for him too. Will was next, and guess what? Three freakin’ balls for him too! He then told us that he wasn’t accustomed to playing “Fred Flintstone club golf.” I didn’t really know what any of this had to do with Fred Flintstone — it’s not like they were using stegosaurus tails to hit giant rocks a pterodactyl. We would have gone with more of a Mario Golf comparison. J-Unit and I conferred, and even though we didn’t spend too much time on it, we felt that Kaysar was Wario, Boogie was Waluigi (or Toad — based on his sidekick nature), Marcellas was Yoshi, Erika was Princess Peach, Howie was Bowser, Nakomis was Birdo, Diane was Daisy, and James was Luigi. We still don’t know who Mario is though. And I guess Janelle would be a better Peach than Erika. It’s a flawed comparison. Like I said, we really didn’t think it through.
Anyway, finishing out the first round was Erika who managed to land her ball closer than everyone else, only incurring a mere two balls on the turn. Starting off the next round, Nakomis and Diane both hit into the same corner, earning three balls each. James also earned three more, and Kaysar, well, he focused super hard on his goal and chipped his ball with controlled power. Unfortunately, the ball hopped up a little bit and then rolled into the water trap before him. Three balls for him too… and another embarrassing blunder!
Will managed to only take on two balls on this turn, and Erika proved to be a whiz by landing super close to the hole. She actually got to give away one of her balls. She bestowed this gift onto Nakomis, who as a result, was then eliminated. Cool beans!
Diane started round three with a promising hit that landed on the green and then kept rolling. ELIMINATED. James had an impressive shot that only earned him one ball, but that was all he needed to reach seven, which meant he was out of the running too. Up next was Kaysar, who redeemed himself with a close shot that allowed him to give a ball away (Will was the lucky recipient of that). Then the good doctor whacked his golf ball way out of bounds, but somehow it bounced back on the course and landed pretty close to the pin. Not close enough, however, and he was eliminated. Erika, trying for the same strategy, slammed her golf ball towards the wall, but it bounced off a window awning and wound up landing right in the prime territory — allowing her to give a ball to Kaysar and eliminating him once and for all. That made Erika the unlikely victor of this competition, which was cool for her, but bad for us. Let’s be honest. She was never gonna use it.
After the commercial break, we found Diane grumbling that if Erika were smart, she’d use the Veto and shake up the whole house. Yeah, that’s nice. Don’t get your hopes up. Before any massive strategizing could happen, however, there was one more piece of business to attend to: Boogie’s birthday! Yay! And by “Yay”, I mean, “Eh.” Kaysar called the gang into the kitchen, and sitting right there on the table was Erika in a bikini with the words “Happy Birthday” written in whip cream on her thighs. Grrrrrowl! Joining her on the table were bottles of champagne, trays of sushi, and one massive chocolate cake. Of course, only half the people in the house could enjoy this fiesta, on account of the slop rules. Not a problem for Mike though. He jumped right in and licked up Erika’s legs, thus providing one of the more disturbing images of the evening. Meanwhile, Dr. Will taunted poor Howie with the promise of sushi, dangling the raw fish right by his mouth in an effort to make him jealous. Personally, I would have died. What would have happened had Howie suddenly popped that yellowtail into his mouth? Would he automatically have been on slop duty next week too?
If only that were Dr. Will…
Well, after we finished watching all the slop people grousing about the party they couldn’t partake in, we headed up to the HOH room where Marcellas and some BB6ers talked strategy. They all just sort of talked quietly until Marcellas finally put it out there: “Erika should use the veto, one of them [Chill Town] should go up, the house as a whole should take that person out.” THANK YOU. And if there was any doubt that this was the right course of action, James then entered the room and announced that Will, Mike, and the others were all in the hot tub talking shit about the season sixers. Bet you’re loving that deal now, huh Kaysar?
We then went down to the hot tub where Will and Mike were fanning the flames of discontent with the Kaysar crew. The guys talked about how much they loved Nakomis and Diane, trying to paint Kaysar as some raging asshole for putting them up on chopping block in the first place. They then said that someone from season six had to go next week, but this only further frustrated Nakomis and Diane as they felt powerless to do anything in their position. Diane even had to excuse herself from the party to walk away and calm down. She told us, “I feel like I’m in here with Charles Manson and his crew.” I guess that would make sense, especially if Charles Manson were very, very, very pale.
When Diane returned to the tub, the group continued to talk about how sucky the situation was, and Will finally decided that Kaysar should hear for himself what everyone was saying. I didn’t really see the point of this, but I liked where it was going. Chill Town then had his faithful lapdog Jase fetch the HOH, and because he seems to have no spine when it comes to Dr. Will, Kaysar happily went down to the hot tub to hear what he had to say.
Well, Dr. Will told Kaysar that no one wanted to Diane or Nakomis to go home. Maybe there was some other way for someone to go home instead. In a haughty, sarcastic, but deserving way, Kaysar then essentially asked who Will had in mind, and he was met with silence. Um… huh…
Kaysar then got up to leave, and suddenly Will called out, “I’ll go up.” It was a ballsy, brilliant move. If Kaysar didn’t take him up on it, he looked weak and powerless — like he was afraid to do it. If he did nominate Will, then he would have broken the stupid agreement AND given Will what he wanted. He was damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. Of course, the assumption here was that Kaysar had any control whatsoever over the veto, which he certainly did not. Either way, if he could get Erika to use the veto, I think Kaysar should have called Will’s bluff and put him up.
The HOH then returned to his room and reported everything to his gang. He claimed that Will was trying to be the martyr, the hero, the savior or Diane and Nakomis. Whatever. If he’s gonna be out of the house, who cares?
“I didn’t get played. I put him in his place,” Kaysar said proudly. No, Kaysar. You were completely played. Luckily, Marcellas saw the writing on the wall, and he passionately insisted that Erika must use the veto. “He threw down the gauntlet!” he yelled, but alas, I felt like it was too late. We were already nearing the end of the hour, and there had been no trace of discussion between Kaysar and Erika about using the Veto. This would not end well for Diane and Nakomis.
At the Veto ceremony, the two nominees gave standard, generic final pleas for amnesty, and in the end, Erika announced, “I actually have decided to –” (dramatic pause) “NOT use the Power of Veto at this time.” DOH! I hate the split infinitive fakeout!! Oh well. Looks like it’ll be curtains for one of the ladies on Thursday. Diane already was predicting gloom and doom. Her only hope was a miracle. “I wish for some stroke of hell freezing over that I’d get to stay,” she said, adding, “This way I can mix more metaphors. After all, people in glass houses shouldn’t have greener grass!”
What did you think about this episode? Should Erika have used the veto? And what did you think of Will’s dare? Good move? Did Kaysar do the right thing?