You Can Only Hope to Contain Them

Oh how the mighty have fallen. One of the great things about Big Brother All Stars was that we were really going to see what kind of strategy would work best. At first, it looked like the schemers were going to be targeted as Alison and Danielle went up the first week, but the floaters got dealt a huge blow when Kaysar decided that he was going to put up Nakomis and Diane. Unfortuantely for the viewer, this wasn’t a great week for nominations. It doesn’t matter if you are with the Kaysar is a King or Kaysar is a Choad camp, when the two nominees aren’t gunning for each other and making deals, it usually makes for a slow week. Then again, we get to do it all with Julie Chen, which more than makes up for all the rest.As we got started, it was quite apparent the Julie Chen was rearing to go. There have been rumors out there that Julie Chen is pregnant, but I just don’t know if I believe that. Although she sported what appeared to be the makings of a ponch, maybe it was just some post burrito FUPA. Still, it’s not like I could pay attention, because I couldn’t help but notice that Julie had filed her nails into the shape of talons. On top of that, she was wearing what appeared to be a women’s bolo tie for the 21st century. Hannah and B-side called it the faux-bo, and I am not sure where she got it, but it had some crazy affect on me. The Chenbot is already mesmerizing, so she doesn’t need anything else to distract us, don’t you think?

After Julie’s introduction (yes, there was a But First!), we cut to the reaction shots from Nakomis and Diane after Erika decided not to use the veto. But before we actually get into some substance, we should try and talk about Will and Howie, and the love that dare not speak its name. I still think that Will is actually really fed up with Howie, but he does a good job of not letting it show. Considering that sloppy kiss Howie planted on Will’s face after the nomination ceremony, I say Will did a good job not decking Howie right away.

The next shot is always the best. We fade out of black and white for the aftermath of Erika’s decision and see what Nakomis and Diane had to say about it. They were both pretty upset with Erika, who came in an apologized saying that “She tried”. OK, I love Erika, but obviously she didn’t try THAT hard because both of them were still on the block. If Erika had tried AT ALL, at least one of them would have been saved. Just for good measure, Erika said that even if she had taken one of them off, she only had the power to take them down, not nominate somebody else. No shit Sherlock! The girls were hoping that you would save one of them, and then maybe the one who was saved could campaign for the other. Saying that Erika couldn’t help them was a cop out, and that is exactly what Diane called it when Erika left the room, and gave her a nice middle finger sendoff after she closed the door.

Obviously, I did not agree with Kaysar’s nominations, so I have sympathy for Diane and Nakomis, but they are right when they say that there isn’t anybody in this house with a backbone. Yes, it’s true that the veto is rarely used unless the person who wins is on the block, but I don’t think there was anybody in the house at this point in the game that would have stuck their necks out there for Diane and Nakomis, even though it might give them more weeks in the house. OK, maybe Janelle would have the guts, and maybe Howie would be dumb enough to do it without thinking of the consequences, but nobody else in the house would.

So now the big discussion comes down to who should be evicted, Nakomis or Diane? For Erika, she was thinking about keeping Nakomis because she would never be a direct target for her and Diane reminded her a little too much about Alison. Danielle said she was open, and they threw the question to Jase who was the other player who was there from Big Brother 5. Jase basically made the same observation, saying Diane is emotional and makes lots of mistakes like Alison and that Nakomis is laid back and cool beans.

Marcellas and Janelle had their own discussion while they were in the bathtub. He’s afraid that Nakomis can win the entire thing, but he’s also wondering if Diane is with the Chilltown alliance. However, he knows that Diane doesn’t want to get played again. For those of you who haven’t watched, Diane had a relationship with another guy in the house about her age, but it wasn’t enough for him to take her along to the final two. It was a classic “Bros before Hos” moment, and Diane didn’t want it to happen again.

Janelle further expressed her worry that no matter what happens, when the focus comes back to season six, she is going to be one of the first people targeted. Marcellas, who we can now say is tight with Janelle, even if he wouldn’t give himself up for Howie, Kaysar, or James, said that it wouldn’t happen if he had anything to do with it. He then said the smartest thing all season, and something I think everybody should realize, which is you can target whichever floater you want, but if somebody directly threatens you, you have to take them out.

Marcellas followed that up with perhaps the funniest line said so far, saying that he wanted it to be him and Janelle at the end because it would be the most glamorous final two in the history of not just Big Brother, not just reality television, not just TV in general, but of THE WORLD. I guess Marcellas could be right, but thems fighting words, and you know that Sir Elton John is not going to be taking that kind of challenge lying down. I have to admit, I started to think Marcellas was boring this year, but he has shown much more of a killer instinct, and aligning with Janelle doesn’t hurt either. But even Marcellas was wondering if his alliance with a blonde girl was going to be his undoing. Last time, Marcellas aligned with a cheese-loving Southern belle Amy, and it did him in. Janelle is blonde enough and grew up close enough to Wisconsin that Marcellas may be starting to worry. Luckily for him, Janelle is twice the player Amy was, and I would LOVE to see them in the final two.

Marcellas, imagining how fabulous a trip to Prada would be with Janelle

Now although Diane and Nakomis promised not to campaign against each other, it’s not like they sat around and did nothing to help their own cases. As a bunch of people were smoking the hookah outside, Diane started to play the game a little. She was quick to mention that she wasn’t campaigning, and then proceeded to campaign, saying that if they kept her, she wants to be the girl that broke up Big Brother 6. Nakomis, who apparently died her hair to match this red, yellow, and brown knit cap she had on, was trying to be a little bit more persuasive with the season sixers. She said that she would never align with Chilltown, and that she wanted to stay in the house to take out Chilltown. This sort of got Kaysar and company to maybe change their minds about who they wanted in the house.

To me, it seemed kind of last minute to all of a sudden drop this on us, but maybe Nakomis had really changed the game around. It seemed a little too late in the episode to throw a big curve ball in like that, but this is Big Brother, so you never know what to expect. All of a sudden he said that he realizes that he needs to keep Nakomis in the house. You would think that if he was so smart, Kaysar might have realized this BEFORE HE NOMINATED HER. Kaysar then talked about getting the necessary votes to keep Nakomis in the house. He was assuming Janelle, Howie, and James, plus Marcellas and Erika, and then Kaysar would vote in the tie. Very interesting scenario, but it was time for a little more Julie Chen.

As Julie addressed the houseguests, I was still a little fascinated by her odd necklace/bolo tie thing. Maybe the FauxBo is the first in an upcoming line of Chenbot accessories, you know, in case you need to “rope in” that busy executive in your life, the FauxBo is sexy enough to be worn at a cocktail party, yet Kinky enough for all of your soft bondage needs. Another Chenbot miracle! What do you think ladies? Will you buy one? I am wondering what sort of powerful one word name Julie would use for her fragrance. I mean “Baffled” or “Malfunction” are great, but I don’t see them selling well at the counter at Macy’s. I would say “Mystery” but I think Naomi Campbell already uses that. How about “IMMB”? It’s mysterious, you could make an awesome logo, and although not to many people would really need a bottle of perfume called “I Married My Boss”, I think it’s the perfect way to go.

I think we have a winner!

I could go on and on (and on and on) about Julie Chen, but then we got to see Chicken George. One of the developments this week was that Chicken George was accepted into Howie’s Jedi order, so Julie had to ask him a few questions. I was waiting to hear his answers, but I couldn’t hear it with all of the rustling that was going on in the background. That’s because Chicken George had made a superhero costume OUT OF TIN FOIL. Listen, we all remember when we were kids and would wear our superman underoos, fashion a cape out of something around the house, and pretend we could fly. Luckily, most of us stop that sort of thing WHEN WE’RE FIVE. But at least it gave Julie a chance to use her “Stay away from the microwave” joke, and the end of the interview came with one of her best and patented laughs.

We got a few words from the nominees, and then a few more words on Howie’s man-crush on will, with Julie asking Howie if he planned on getting botox. You could tell Will was really pissed. The players are savvy enough to know that the questions Julie asks them are because there is a lot of talk about that subject. The smallest detail in the house can be blown up crazy in the outside world, and they don’t know what it will be. Will looked upset when he realized lots of people were talking about him and Howie.

After a commercial break, it was time for us to get to know our current HoH. That meant it was Muslim family values time. Last year, Kaysar, being an Iraqi American, was quite a novelty in the house. Quite honestly, you didn’t know what would happen, but let’s be honest; the only thing that made you associate him with Muslims was all the oil that he put in his hair. Oh shut up. I’M KIDDING. In all seriousness, despite all of the fraternizing with the infidels, Kaysar is very serious about his religion. He prays five times a day in the correct direction, doesn’t drink or smoke, and stays away from the pig meat, which I guess is why he hated Ivette so much last year! POW! I’m here all week folks.

Kaysar said that one of the reasons he wanted to go on is to break down the stereotypes and racism about Muslims and Arabs. With that in mind, we cut away to a shot of Kaysar’s family, with very stereotypical sitar music in the background and the very stereotypical headscarf covering the heads of any female in the room. Kaysar may be breaking down some stereotypes, but so far his family isn’t doing such a bang up job, especially when Dalia said there is no dating in the Muslim world. In fact, other than Kaysar being in the house, the producers pretty much only showed us stereotypes.

I love the honking noises when Janelle and Erika are on screen

We then brought on Edina LeKovic, who B-side called the Orange County Muslim community’s answer to Nia Vardolis, to say that people are very proud of Kaysar for demonstrating what it means to be a Muslim. All of that being said, this segment was kind of boring. First of all, I saw it last year. Secondly, if it bothered him that much, he could have always said no to the invitation to go on the show. As Edina said, the truth is that in California, Kaysar has to deal with those sorts of temptations all of the time. But we did get a Kaysar shower scene, which I am not going to hold back from all of you swooning ladies.

Gratuitous showering Iraqi clip of the day

It was now time for Julie to talk to Kaysar, and I really like the kinds of questions she is asking this season. It’s obvious that the producers are in tune with the Internet buzz, and so right away, Julie asks Kaysar why he went after Chilltown, and if he is worried that people might call him a wimp. And to think that some people don’t think she’s a good journalist! Kaysar said that he refined his strategy from last season, and that it’s not always necessary to go after the big targets right away. Saying he refined his strategy doesn’t necessarily mean he is not a wimp, but we’ll have to wait and see if Kaysar’s new refined strategy is better or worse.

What I couldn’t stand was when Kaysar tried to say that he wanted to take pressure off of the season 6 alliance, and that it was a natural move. To be quite honest, this whole let Will and Boogie annoy everybody into hating them is one of the worst strategies ever. It might work for the people watching the live feeds, but it doesn’t work in the house. Mike Boogie could take a dump in the middle of the pool, but as long as he nominated two people from season six, all of the floaters would forget about his floater and he would be a hero.

One of the main reasons that there are a lot of people who still believe that Kaysar is a genius is because the Live Feeds supposedly tell a story that the producers are hiding from us. Chief among those is that Kaysar and many of the other houseguests are talking about a secret alliance between Jase and Diane. It’s called the Mr. and Mrs. Smith alliance, and exposing this alliance is apparently one of the genius moves Kaysar has made in this game. Danielle first came up with the theory, and she should know, because she might be the best student of the game in the house, and she was in a famous secret alliance of her own.

Danielle has a number of thoughts about the secret alliance. First, you never see Jase and Diane talk, and not speaking to each other is the first step of a secret alliance, because you need to make people think you don’t like each other. Danielle convinces Marcellas, who talks to Erika, who talks to Janelle. By the time it gets to Janelle, it has gone from theory to fact.

Exhibit A. is that Jase idolizes Brad Pitt, and during the first challenge, he said that Diane looks like Angelina Jolie. Exhibit B. is that Jase gets flustered whenever they ask him about Diane. Exhibit C. is that Jase never says a bad thing about Diane, always saying that Nakomis is the most dangerous player. Hmmm, sounds like a lot of damning evidence, right?

Umm, no.

First, let’s discuss the lack of talking to each other. People say the Jase and Diane alliance would work because they hated each other during their season and nobody would suspect it. How about this: they hated each other during their season and THEY STILL DO. Therefore, they don’t talk to each other a lot. Just imagine, people who don’t like each other don’t talk with each other.

Second, let’s talk about this whole Diane looks like Angelina thing. At first, you would say that it sort of ridiculous and clearly Jase is obsessed, but I think we forget whom we are talking about here. If you think Diane and Angelina are a crazy combination, you should hear some of the other celebrities these folks compare themselves to. One day, while sitting around the pool Jase, among other were talking about which celebrities should play them in a movie. Try these on for size. Alison – Sarah Michelle Gellar? Erika – Sandra Bullock? Howie – Tom Hanks? Danielle – Angela Basset? Jase – Matthew McConaughey? When it comes to how pretty these people are, they are all delusional.

Angelina Jolie? More like JULIE CHEN

Admittedly for the problems that Jase has talking about Diane, I don’t have a lot. Then again, the producers only showed one example where Jase was flustered, so there could be a string of situations where Jase is fine and we don’t know it. And last, the idea that Jase doesn’t want to get rid of Diane even though he supposedly hates her is not all that surprising. The person on the block is Nakomis, she of the six finger plan, the one who nominated Jase during Big Brother 5. In other words, the person in the house he absolutely can’t trust (and to be honest with you, would be a much better secret alliance than Diane). Of course he is going to campaign for her to leave.

Therefore, I say fuck this Mr. and Mrs. Smith alliance until you give me some decent evidence, like a nomination or a veto, instead of the theories of a group of people that are even more delusional than the people who sit around all day watching them (yes, I include myself in that designation). At the end of the segment, Jase makes fun of the Mr. and Mrs. Smith alliance, saying that it is bullshit…but then mugs for the camera and says. “Or is it?”. Finally, we see Jase and Diane talking about the votes. Diane says that she thinks she has the votes, and Jase seems to be very happy and Diane even says “pretend that we hate each other”(thanks for the reminder JasonR). Still I am calling bullshit on this alliance unless we have some actual evidence, which means votes, or a veto.

Seriously Jase, stop trying to make mandana happen

Now, would that evidence come from the vote? Surely if Jase voted for Diane to stay, it validates Kaysar’s genius, and exposes Mr. and Mrs. Smith, right? RIGHT? Well, Jase did vote for Diane to stay, and Nakomis was evicted, but that doesn’t mean anything. Again, Jase can’t trust Nakomis just like Erika couldn’t trust Alison, or Marcellas can’t trust Danielle. In fact, if you want to talk actual strategy, having people think Jase is aligned with Diane sort of helps Jase, because I think he is more with Chilltown. Yes, Diane is with Chilltown as well, but only because they are both trying to get rid of season six.

Nakomis picked up two votes, from Dr. Will and James, which is very interesting when you think about it. To Dr. Will, it probably didn’t matter, but for James, who said he was voting what was best for him and Howie, it sort of makes you wonder.

Somebody put him out of his our misery

As Nakomis leaves the house, the Chenbot is there to greet her, with arm extended, and started to explain what happened. Although Nakomis didn’t last long, she was her typically chill self when it came to the questions, but she had some pretty strong words for Kaysar, saying that he could have nominated anybody, but he was too wishy washy and that it was a horrible mistake to leave Bookie and Will in the house. We can argue the merits of that for a long time, but quite honestly, by this time of the show that FauxBo was convincing me I needed to find Julie and ask her for some grape kool-aid and a ticket to Jonestown.

Go go Chenbot handshake!

Say what you will about who left the house and how much you think Kaysar is in control of the game, but don’t you think it is odd that the person who has openly said that their goal would be to get rid of Season six and Janelle was safe, and the person who said that they wanted to take out Chilltown was evicted?

The houseguests had been milling around talking to teach other like they normally do, when Julie told them to sit down. Earlier in the day, they were given some pictures to examine, and Julie once again showed them these pictures, and said they would be asked about these pictures later. When we came back from commercial, the houseguests were in their normal Kentucky derby gates, ready to answer A or B to Julie questions.

Even though these are the All Stars, they can still make mistakes during the competitions, and Julie still gets just as worked up when something goes wrong. George and Howie were eliminated after the first question, and Julie had to ask that George please reset his wheel. On the second question, Jase, Erika, Will, Boogie, and Diane were eliminated and Marcellas forgot to reset his answer, and then when he did, Julie said that everybody should wait for HER to say reset. On the third question, Marcellas was eliminated, and Janelle had to be asked to reset. She did, reset it, but only to another answer, and Julie had to get a little more forceful and ask her again.

On the next answer, Janelle had to be reminded to give an answer. What’s worse, I think that Marcellas forgot to reset, but Julie was barking at Janelle and must have missed it, because there was an exposed “B” just hanging out there, and you KNOW that had to piss Julie off. James and Danielle were still in the game after the final question, and so it went to a tiebreaker.

The winner? James! I have to say that I am quite happy with James winning. Although he was a great veto winner last year, he was never HoH. As one of the people officially endorsed by TVgasm and realityblurred.com, I think we are in for a treat. It is one thing to say that you are a smart player when the only thing that you do is tell the HoH what to do, but when you have all of the power yourself, it becomes a completely different game. The person most relieved in the house has to be Kaysar, because even though he didn’t have the guts to take on Chilltown himself, he can get James to nominate them, and I bet that is exactly what Kaysar is going to do. I actually think James will nominate at least one of Chilltown.

Although Kaysar said that he was trying to take the targets off of the backs of season six, it’s obvious from talk in the house that he completely failed. James now has the chance to really turn the tides in favor of his alliance, and I think I’m going to be hooked to the live feeds. It should be a great time in the forums as well.

What did you think of this episode? Does Nakomis leaving help Season Six or Chilltown more? Are Mr. and Mrs. Smith real? Who do you think James should nominate? Who do you think he will nominate?