A Test of Will Power

Following Tuesday’s dramatic, sensational installment of Big Brother, we all knew it would be hard to follow up with tonight’s live eviction show. There was just no way to top George’s surprise veto win, Jase’s sudden meltdown, and Will’s venomous speech (not to mention George’s own heartfelt address). But hey, not every show can be pure reality gold, and tonight’s live eviction proved to be predictable yet entertaining. Plus, the Chenbot was all spruced up and ready to go with nary a flub in sight. She even managed a few funny one-liners in the process. And honestly, isn’t that all we need from the Thursday night show?Tonight’s episode began with the Chenbot standing loud and proud in her purple top and black pants. She seemed to have some sort of sheer garment wrapped around her arms, perhaps to guard against any errant temperature drops that could freeze up her gears and fan belts. Random aside: why do people who layer always talk like they’ve had the most important revelation of the year? “If it gets warm, I’LL JUST TAKE THIS OFF!” Well, congratulations! That never occurred to anybody before!

Anyway, with her Chelmet in tip-top shape, Julie strutted over to her couch where she let out the first “But First” of the evening. It seemed like we were in store for a classic Chenbot evening, especially after Julie suffered a minor flub when she tried to say “Originally bitter” but instead said “Originally [pause] BBBitter.” It kind of sounded like she was spitting out a pumpkin seed and saying “bitter” at the same time. Classic Chen.

We then relived Will’s wonderful, wonderful veto ceremony speech, which was awesome, but here’s something I’m sure most people didn’t know. After Will was done, Jase then addressed the household. “Dr. Will, your speech has me a little concerned,” he said. “There’s something that you said that I was actually going to address as well. I don’t want everyone to vote out Dr. Will because I don’t like anyone here either.” Dude, don’t even try to steal Dr. Will’s thunder. Come up with your own brash, brilliant speech. You can’t just say, “Oh, what he said.” Of course, this is Jase, a man who hasn’t always been the bastion of originality. Nevertheless, he then told the houseguests that he wouldn’t be sending them Christmas cards after he left the house. The implication here was that anyone actually cared to get a Christmas card from Jase. Besides, you know Jase’s Christmas card is probably just an image of him shirtless with baby girl Caleigh and her mom standing in the distance (the inscription inside is probably something along the lines of “Happy Holidays. From, my right pec.”

Jase then told the house, “This game really isn’t my game. I was really meant to be cast for Survivor.” Apparently he was hoping to get into the upcoming season, Survivor: Douchebag: Islands of Mandanas.

Finally, Jase concluded “It’s not my genre,” except he pronounced it “Gen-err-ah.” Why? I don’t know. Maybe he accidentally flat-ironed the part of his brain that controls proper pronunciation. Or maybe he’s just a dumbass. You know, it’s too bad that Jase had to turn back into such a tool the past two episodes. I had been really impressed with him this season. Then again, I should have known better than to think favorably of a man who still flat-irons his hair. Not even Seacrest and Clay Aiken flat-iron anymore. Seriously, I think the only guys left who do that are Jase and Johnny Rzeznik. Oh, and Steven Cojocaru. As you can see, a distinguished group!

Later, Will retreated into an empty room with Boogie and told him to wrangle up some votes for him. Yes, after making that whole announcement about wanting to go home, it turned out that Will really wanted to stay (shocker, I know). His whole strategy was to convince everyone that he wanted to go home so that he wouldn’t be perceived as a threat. The only one who was in on this was Boogie, who commented, “He is going to stay and fight with me like a Chill Town warrior!” Technically, isn’t being a warrior contradictory to the entire idea of being “chill”? And furthermore, just how does a Chill Town Warrior fight? Does he disarm his opponents with blindingly white skin? Or does he strangle them with a twisted headband around the neck? Inquiring minds want to know! Okay, just kidding Boogie. We don’t give a shit about what you have to say.

Jase then appeared on screen again, this time to play the old “I miss Caleigh!” card again. He said he wanted to win for “his girls back at home” (and by “girls,” he meant “flat irons”), but then he said that he wanted to go home for the same reason. He then cornered George outside and asked if he had his vote. Chicken George replied by sticking each finger in his mouth (his own, not Jase’s. Ew!) and licking it clean. It was pretty gross, especially thanks to the CBS-supplied sound effects. It then became worse when we all realized he was lickin’ his fingers clean of Big Brother slop. This all supports my theory: Chicken George is a homeless man. Seriously, think about it.

Well, George had some pretty logical advice for Jase: “Cool down. Maybe go take a nap.” He then added, “Maybe wrap yourself in tin foil and walk around. Gosh, that’s a whole lot of fun!” Okay, he didn’t say that, but he did note in the diary room that he should align with Jase because they’re from the same state. WELL. That automatically means you two are essentially blood brothers. By all means, align away!

Meanwhile, up in the HOH bathroom, a bikini-clad Erika and Janelle slipped into a bubble bath and commenced what looked to be the opening credits to the latest Playboy fantasy video. The fun times came to an abrupt halt, however, when Mike Boogie came from out of nowhere and joined the ladies. It was like watching a Muppet wander into a porno — it’s just not right.

“Last night, the heavens parted, the moon was aligned, and I wound up in a hot tub with Erika and Janelle,” Boogie told us. In similar news, last night, Erika and Janelle vomited for the rest of the evening.

In the tub, Boogie noted how being with these two hot chicks would instantly boost his rep. “Great for my street credit,” he said. But you know what’s bad for you street credit? Saying street CREDIT.

Well, with the captive audience of these two women, Boogie tried some ham-fisted strategizing, asking, “Don’t you think you’d rather have Will here, who doesn’t give a shit, rather than Jase who wants to crucify you guys?” Smooth. Very smooth. Way to really work that into the conversation organically. A golden headband for you!

Downstairs, Marcellas and Jase talked about the whole blowup from Tuesday’s show. Marcellas said that Jase was making a choice — and a poor one at that — to behave badly, but Jase merely countered by saying, “I got backdoored. And that kills me.” He then added, “But enough about my love life.” RIMSHOT! Tips in the jar. Try the veal…

Still, Marcellas tried to talk some sense into Jase, saying, “You think you’re kicking it up a notch, but you’re completely off on how people are viewing you!” (And yes, Marcellas was totally right on this). Jase merely rolled his eyes at the accusation.

“Don’t try to push this off on me like whatever,” he said. Yeah, stop blaming Jase for his actions. What’s he supposed to do? Take responsibility for his actions? Psssh. Whatevs, Marcellas!

Well, Jase had quite the uphill battle to fight, but he felt like he might be able to work some wonders. He claimed that he had Danielle, Diane, and Chicken George’s votes, which meant he needed only two more to stay in the house. Unfortunately, those two more would have to come from season six. Granted, he probably could have curried the favor of Erika and Marcellas, but oops! That whole tantrum on Tuesday kind of shot him in the foot. Way to play the game, Jasey-poo.

With few options in front of him, Jase went upstairs and struck a deal with the season sixers. If he were to stay, Jase promised not to go after the BB6ers until after sequester, and in turn, they would do the same. Plus, if Jase were to win HOH this week, he would nominate a floater. Why the BB6ers wanted him to put up a floater rather than Will or Mike is beyond me. I mean, what better way to force Jase out of Chill Town? Random aside: with all this talk about floaters, why isn’t anyone targeting Mike? The guy is the classic definition of floater. All he does is ride Will’s coattails. So you see, even with their dumb logic, the season six alliance still can’t execute their Anti-Floater mandate without messing up.

Anyway, Jase shook hands with the season six alliance, which was amusing because we totally knew neither party would ever keep its word. Feeling proud that he’d made some headway in his mission to stay in the house, Jase then proudly told Danielle about his new deal, but one small problem: she no likey the deal. I don’t know why really, but all we knew was that she was pissed and Jase was in no position to be pissing off another potential vote.

We then returned to the live show as Julie checked in with the house guests. There was some general babbling about the newly bald Kaysar (yes, Marcellas is still wanting to jump his bones), and then Julie asked Chicken George about his all slop, all the time diet. It was hard to hear what he had to say, mostly because I was massively distracted by the dumb afro wig he was sporting as well as the fake handlebar mustache and the shirt that said “Mr. Fart.” Yes. “Mr. Fart.” That Chicken George. He is one hilarious fella! You know, he built up all this good will from me on Tuesday, and just like that, it’s all gone.

Somebody call Carrot Top!

Anyway, George did not refrain from telling Julie about eating all that slop. “I got a serious case of gas, Julie. It’s really bad,” he said. Hence, Mr. Fart.

“I’ve solved the energy crisis here,” George then added. Ah, Big Brother. Come for the scheming. Stay for the massively disturbing imagery.

Well, Julie did her robo-laugh and commented, “That explains the writing on your shirt!” Oooh! She figured it out! Chenbot 1, Silly T-Shirt 0.

The Chenbot then decided to show the house guests some of Mike’s late night sleep talking. “The Boogie Man also comes out at night,” she said, clearly proud of her new Adobe Pun-Shop software bundle — only for the most dedicated of robotic punsters. Everyone then watched the footage, and Julie asked, “Mike, what are you actually saying?” How should he know? He was ASLEEP. If he knew what he was saying when he was sleep-talking, wouldn’t that be just, you know, talking?

Anyway, Julie then wrapped up this segment, executing another flawless “But first” in the process (this one had that nice, inquisitive lilt to it as opposed to the usual foreboding tonality). Before going to commercial, we saw some of the house guests pondering who to evict. Kaysar told us that in regards to Dr. Will, “I can keep up with Will’s game. I understand Will’s game. I can beat Will’s game.” And let’s be honest: the best way to beat Dr. Will is to not nominate him or even vote for him, thus ensuring his further stay in the household. That’s what I call taking out a threat! Well done, Kaysar! Well done indeed!

After the commercial break, we returned to find the Chenbot standing at the random stone wall that is so oddly placed in her Chen-Studio. She began talking about Chicken George, saying euphemistically, “This father of three is one of the most original personalities to ever play the game.” Translation: seriously, this guy is completely ridiculous.

We then were treated to a segment on all the splendors of George — one of which being his ability to wear a thong on his head. I sure hope those skivvies were later burned. I’d hate for some poor woman to have essence of Chicken George in her taint.

That was wrong, and I apologize.

Two hours later, George got a yeast infection on his forehead.

Anyway, we got to see a picture of George’s family — his very, very short family — and then he told us that he was a small business owner with his wife. However, to play in Big Brother: All-Stars he had to quit his job. How do you own a business and have to quit at the same time? Did he fear that his wife would fire him? Nevertheless, he commented, “I’m getting a chance to chase my dream. How many people in their lives ever, ever get that chance?” Yes, not many people get the chance to wrap themselves in tin foil, stick a thong on their head, dump themselves in a vat of blueberry juice, eat nasty-ass slop for sixty days, and wear a shirt that says “Mr. Fart” — all the while being confined in a house. But enough about Martha Stewart. RIMSHOT AGAIN! Oh, I’m on fire tonight! Those two year old Martha Stewart house arrest jokes are gold! They’re gold!

Later, James told George that he was all wrong about him. He thought the Chicken Man was merely there to coast on by, but now he saw that he was there to play. Even Kaysar couldn’t resist showering the guy with praise. “You know why I’m bald? Because I want to see what this chicken is all about right here,” he said. Funny, I thought the reason why Kaysar was bald was because he blatantly lost a competition.

The segment finally ended, and Julie began talking with James in the HOH room. He said that he didn’t want to nominate Jase, but since the Mandana’d One announced that he was coming after Danielle and Janelle, he felt a need to protect them. Luckily, the Chenbot’s logic algorithms were in full force, and she deduced that James had actually broken his word. The HOH merely shrugged it off with a sheepish smile and said, “You know how Big Brother is.” The Chenbot then let out an ample laugh followed by a quiet and knowing, “Yeah….” Nice Chenpathy!

Julie managed to get some more info out of James — he called George “incredible” and said he was more loyal to the BB6ers and Danielle than to Chill Town — and then it was off to listen to more people in the diary room. Howie said he wasn’t scared of Will and felt confident going head to head with him. That was nice and all, but this wasn’t about pride. It was about winning half a million dollars. These BB6ers had to stop talking about “game” and simply take care of business, ie. voting Will out.

After the commercial break (which featured a promo for Amazing Race, but no new footage of the teams), we then watched a bit about Dr. Will. We flashed back to five years ago when he first schemed his way to riches on Big Brother 2. Back then, he was less Botoxed, pale, and rubbery. Plus, he had a relationship with fellow castmate Shannon, a woman who never saw a sun-ray she wasn’t afraid to absorb into her face. I wouldn’t be surprised if his current state of radioactive whiteness had to do with a gut reaction to Shannon’s weathered, aged face.

Anyway, we learned that Shannon and Will continued to date outside of the Big Brother house, but whereas she was outgoing and outspoken, he was shy and retiring, wishing only to stay in his apartment and play videogames. Well, that is, when he wasn’t giving himself liposuction. Yes, Dr. Will has given himself lipo. Between that and the Botox, I’m not totally convinced that he isn’t just forty-five year old lady from Beverly Hills.

We then had another commercial break, and when we returned, it was time for the live eviction. BUT FIRST (I’m saying it, not her), Julie allowed each nominee to address the household. Jase started first by saying, “I’m not mad at anyone in this house because we’re all collectively crazy. And crazy people make poor decisions — like wearing a Mr. Fart t-shirt on national television.” Or like wearing a dumb mandana and flat-ironing your stupid flower pot hair on national television too, but I digress. Jase continued with a shaky voice on the verge of tears, “I hate the way I’m leaving this house. It kills me inside. I can’t even talk about that. I would just like Danielle and Diane to, uh, be the only ones to escort me to the door.” I enjoyed the self-importance implied in this statement; the idea that EVERYONE would be rushing to escort him to the door. Besides, it’s not like the act of walking someone to the door is imbued with great symbolism and meaning. In general, it’s more a matter of practicality and good manners.

Nevertheless, it was then Will’s time to speak. “Earlier this week, I addressed you guys and said that I hated you all, and I said that statement in haste,” he said. “I regret saying it. I apologize. If I had thought more clearly, I would have said ‘severely disliked’ or ‘strong distain for you all.’” Eh. It was funnier on Tuesday. Kind of like killing the joke now — like a really bad sequel.

Dr. Will then gave a shout out to his medical practice and then it was time to reveal the answers. Oddly, the producers opted to go for a split screen image on the Chenbot’s TV, despite the fact that Jase and Will were already sitting right next to each other. “Let’s make it official,” Julie said. “By a vote of nine to zero, Jase, you have been evicted.” Ha. The Chenbot didn’t even try to make it dramatic. She just out and out said it. Well, per his wishes, Jase hugged everyone, but only Diane and Danielle were lucky enough to walk him the two feet from the couches to the door. An honor equal to thirty Nobel Prizes, no doubt!

As Jase got his microphone all set up for his Chenterrogation, we then returned to the household, as usual, and listened in as everyone reacted to Jase’s departure. Dr. Will tried to play up his “I wanna go home” schtick, but it seemed painfully forced, especially when he sighed, “Now I’m going to go push a buzzer and hope it says Alison? I mean, what has my life become?” You’d think he’d have been already asking these questions last summer when he was stuck playing Battle of the Network Reality Stars. As far as I’m concerned, he’s already hit his nadir. Everything is great from here on out.

Back in the studio, Jase told Julie that it sucked to be backdoored so much (and no, he wasn’t talking about naively volunteering to be a power bottom at Sodomy-fest 2006). “It’s tough because… I’m a true player of the game,” he said. Memo to Jase: a “true player of the game” wouldn’t be sitting with Julie right now. What these people have to understand is that everyone in that house is “playing the game.” Other players shouldn’t be penalized because they don’t want to make brash, stupid moves. Anyway, Jase brought up the whole Survivor thing again, saying he’d fare much better on that show for whatever reason. This caused Julie to joke, “No mirrors and flat irons on Survivor though, Jase.” WHOA! Chenbot! Letting loose with a zinger! ChenZing!

Jase then joked that he was growing a beard, perfect for Survivor, causing Julie to say, “Yeah, you don’t need the flat iron!” She then added, “Seriously, you don’t need it. Your hair looks terrible.” Okay, she didn’t say that, but she did get a little chippy moments later when Jase expressed shock that James had deceived him. “Did you watch him on season six? This man is not to be trusted!” Julie said. I half expected her to then raise her fingers to her forehead and say, “LOSER!”

At this point, Jase attempted to explain his strategy, saying that with the season sixers, “I tried to glam onto them a little bit.” I’m sure he meant “glom” not “glam” — although, that would explain the random drag show he put on for Kaysar. Julie then asked him if he did in fact have a secret alliance with Diane, but he refused to give a straight answer, which meant there was nothing else to do but watch his goodbye videos. Again, Julie twisted the knife a little more by asking Jase, “Don’t you want to see what your house mates said to you in the event that they ALL evicted you tonight?” She then added, “Which is exactly what happened. They each and every one of them voted you off. Unanimous. No one wanted you around. NO ONE.”

Anyway, the videos started off with Boogie attempting some awful freestyle. “Love to eat corn on the kizzle. Straight homeboy for shizzle!” Make it stop! Make it stop! By the way, if you’re going to add “izzle” to everything, that really doesn’t count as good freestyle. That’s like saying the same word over and over again and then claiming you’re rhyming. Point is, Boogie continues to suck at everything he does.

The rest of the videos were fairly unremarkable. Marcellas told Jase that his alter ego was too over the top and created unnecessary drama. “From Marcellas!” Jase balked as if the accusation were totally bonkers (clearly he had forgotten about that giant hissy fit from just a few days ago). You know, for a few weeks, Jase had us convinced that he was possibly a changed man, but times likes these remind us that he’s still the bitter, angry attention-whore we know and hate.

Once the videos were done, Jase told Julie he was hoping that he’d have another chance to go back into the house where he’d “rip it apart.” And no, I don’t think he was talking about anyone’s assholes. And just how sure could the Chenbot be that Jase would wreak havoc on the guests? “It’s Jase you’re talking to, Julie. That’s how I do it!” he said. Talking about himself in the third person? Always awesome.

After the interview, we were faced with “America’s Vote.” You know those wake up calls the show’s been soliciting all week? Well, the producers want to use them the night before a big veto competition. But how often should they be used? Every three hours? One hour? Thirty minutes? Or fifteen minutes? The choice was ours. If fifteen minutes doesn’t win, I’m calling major Chenanigans.

At long last, it was finally time for the HOH competition, which finally kicked off with the ceremonial announcement, “The power is up for grabs!” Julie alerted us that this event would kick off a week’s worth of competitions where someone might be single-handedly responsible for another housemate’s fate. Exciting! Anyway, this week’s Head of Household game was called “Define and Dismiss.” Gotta love those intense competitions that sound like a 5th grade educational video game.

Well, the way this worked was that Julie would ask a question pertaining to those words on the walls (love, loyalty, honesty, betrayal, deceit and hate), and the first person to buzz in correctly could pick a house guest to eliminate. Of course, if someone buzzed in and got the answer wrong, that person would be eliminated. I liked this challenge, and it seemed designed specifically to get season six out of power. I’m not saying that I necessarily wanted that — I’m all about keeping Janey in longer (despite her muted personality this season).

Anyway, the game began and first to answer correctly was Marcellas, who promptly eliminated Boogie. Kaysar got the second question correct, and surely he would target Will, right? Not so much. He instead took out Diane. I guess it was smart since she probably wanted revenge for her nomination last week, but still, what happened to all that “I can beat Will” talk? Speaking of Will, he answered the next question correctly, and he kicked Howie and his lame faux-hawk out of the game. However, Will was soon out of the running too when he then answered the next question incorrectly.

Well, Erika cut George, Kaysar cut Erika, Janelle cut Danielle, and then it was down to Janelle, Marcellas, and Kaysar. Marcellas answered the next question correctly and then was faced with a Sophie’s Choice dilemma: eliminate his new BFF, Janelle, or cut his gay fantasy, Kaysar. It was a hard choice, but ultimately, he dropped Kaysar. Hopefully he realized that another Kaysar HOH week would be detrimental to pretty much everyone in the house except Will and Boogie.

In the end, however, Janelle managed to edge out her buddy and win HOH for the second time this season. I was glad to see her in power yet again, but at the same time, part of me wanted a different alliance in power. I’m crossing my fingers that maybe this time, season six will FINALLY take care of the Chill Town dilemma. But that’s what I thought last week. And the week before. Ugh. Who knows. The good news was that in a wonderful little homage to Janelle’s win last season, James threw the HOH key into the grass à la Jen Vasquez. Laughter was had all around, but sadly, no second refrain of that most wonderful of catch phrases, “Bye Bye Bitches!”

And that was pretty much it. Julie talked with the house guests for about two seconds towards the end of the hour, but all we learned as that Will wanted to be nominated for eviction yet again. Let’s hope his reverse psychology doesn’t actually work. I’d like to think that Janelle is too smart for that, but if there’s anything we know about Big Brother, it’s that we should EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. Project DNA: DO NOT ASSUME! After all, it’s a SUMMER OF SECRETS!

What did you think about this episode? Did the house guests make the right decision?