What a Tangled Web They Weave

Every night of Big Brother is a special night for us here at TVgasm, but on Thursdays, it becomes even more special, because that is when our lovely and darling host, Ms. Julie Chen, paddles us through the subject and predicate filled evening like Meryl Streep in The River Wild. We all know that things may get bumpy along the way, but we stick around for the ride every time. And to make things even more exciting, tonight was the first night of live evictions, where the houseguests give us their votes, uhh, live, and so the producers don’t have time to give us any misdirection. Erika and Diane are on the block and it was going to be up to them to secure enough votes to be able to stay in the house at least another week.Like I said, Thursdays are a Julie nights, and we are going to have to once again start the camel toe watch, because Julie’s motto has been “You stay classy, Chenbot” all summer. We like it when she shows a little leg, or puts Les’ funbags front and center. If I didn’t know better (and believe me, I don’t know better AT ALL), I would say that she is deliberately trying to be modest. If I were a conspiracy theorist (and I know that I am), I would say she is trying to hide the fact that she is pregnant. Of course there is no shortage of comparison photos since she is on the Early Show, but if she is preggers as they allege, we are going to have to wait until next YEAR for the toe-age. By the way Julie, if you are pregnant, we do have Chenbot baby bibs and onesies in the TVgasm store.

Luckily for Erika and Diane, James has now made it his mission to destroy his own alliance, starting with Janelle, so he is going to have a strong incentive to make deals. Janelle’s nominations really fractured the season six bedrock, which means that this should be one of the busiest weeks on schedule in a long time because so many votes are potentially up for grabs. Since Diane or Erika really aren’t the type that are known for crazy strategy, each of them could appreciate what had happened with James.

I’m in the fight for my life…better have clean underwear!

If there was anybody who was liking how things were going, it was Will. I know I tried to stay above the hype before, but how can you not love the way he plays? As Hannah said on the Live Blog, it’s almost as if he had watched the DVDs of Big Brother 7 two weeks ago and came to the house knowing every single move to make, like some sort of Generation-X Gary Kasparov obsessed with manipulation and reality television.

I promise not to make this post another Dr. Will lovefest, but come on! You have to love his game. I don’t know, maybe the girls in the office are starting to get to me, but I am starting to laugh at all of the stupid jokes Dr. Will makes as well. Admittedly, some jokes are funny, like when Howie started rubbing his leg and told Howie how much he would like prison because it would give Howie a chance to work out, wear ugly clothes, and kiss boys. And then there is that stupid phone conversation thing that they do with each other. I hate it! I really do! But every week they manage to stay in the house, they justify that attitude a little more and the shtick becomes funny. Then again, I am always one for the cheap gag, as evidenced by the fact the most worn out DVD in my collection is the best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

The whole time season six was executing their plan of trying to keep Chilltown in the house, they had this notion that keeping Chilltown around would make the target on season six smaller, but that has utterly failed. After this nomination, it was clear that everybody in the house was upset with season six, and Diane commented that she knew that “fat bitch” Janelle had been coming after her since day one.

OK, so Diane is pissed, but maybe the other floaters are happy? Uh NO! Marcellas was very upset and I think spoke for the entire Big Brother world, both inside and out of the house, that when he said “they just hand Boogie and Dr. Will the game every week”. But he wasn’t done there. He said it was petty and ill conceived, and just in case you thought he was done with the monologuing, he finished by saying that it showed him something he never wanted to see in Janelle. There were glimpses of something mean and ugly behind the facade of sweetness. This was a great speech, but come on, who wrote that? That’s like a line you would read at an audition for a role on General Hospital.

BUT HE WASN’T FINISHED.

Marcellas had an interesting theory, and I am not sure if it’s just observation or if there is a bit of jealousy, but he warns Erika and Danielle that they are under attack because Danielle wants to be at the end with all of the boys at the house, not for a wild, slop and honey orgy, but because it would enable her to use her feminine power on the guys and let them fight amongst each other and just forget that she was in the game. Marcellas must have heard that in one of his bathtub sessions with Janelle, because he said it in a way where I was convinced he wasn’t just talking trash. But let’s be honest, even if what he says is bullshit and made-up, it’s pretty convincing.

Kaysar was the first one to talk to Janelle after the ceremony, and unfortunately, I lost a bit of my feed for a fraction of a second, so I’m not going to add as much back story. What I can tell you is that this was a perfect time for Kaysar to go and talk to Janelle because she really needed somebody smart and strong to stick by her, a strong masculine type to reassure her. Unfortunately, Janelle was talking to Kaysar, and he has not been the definition of smart and strong. He cannot offer advice because he is one of the people that was advocating to get rid of floaters in the first place. He made a deal with Will first week, and yes the game changes, but Janelle wasn’t thinking for herself this week.

But the DUMBEST thing to come out of anybody’s mouth this entire year came from Kaysar towards the end of this segment, when wondered if, after what just happened, if the target was STILL on Chilltown or if it was on [season six]. The key part of this is when Kaysar said “still on Chilltown” as if the house had agreed to take out floaters every week, and only this week people started to complain. Question for you: is Kaysar’s middle name “Samson” and he suddenly becomes stupid when he cuts his hair? The target has always been on Season Six’s back since the first HoH competition when Janelle won and people were plotting to get rid of her FIVE MINUTES LATER.

The new buzz in the house was all about the fantastic four of Boogie, Will, James and Danielle. Their goals? To get rid of Janelle and then the rest of season six one by one.

Make fun of will for being pale, but he could never do this to your eyes

The first meeting with the houseguests was pretty uneventful. Julie made a little small talk with Will about not being nominated and then we got the ever so hilarious shout out to Mike Boogie, who became the first player ever to injure himself in a veto competition. In other news, I will give a free Chenbot t-shirt to anybody who becomes the first person kicked out of Geisha house for kicking Mike Boogie in the nuts. It’s not that I don’t like the guy, but I’m sick of seeing him in his Dolce and Geisha house t-shirts all the time. What is up with that kind of self-promotion? Hey, did I mention that we sell lots of Chenbot items in the TVgasm store?

I think the main even was supposed to be the wakeup calls, and I have to say America, even though you had a deadline, they were some pretty good examples. As I said before, madeyoulaugh and I made our own entry, but it wasn’t chosen to be played that night. Here is the link.

Marcellas was going to say something about people on the internet sending in wakeup calls, and how we were all wasting our time and such and even started by saying something about if he met up with anybody like that on the outside he would…but then he realized that once he gets out of the house, his biggest gig is House Calls, which is of course watched by the same type of people that would waste their time sending in wakeup calls, and so he decides not to piss off his viewers and shut his mouth.

After our chat with the houseguests, it was time to break down the way Erika and Diane were going about the business of keeping their asses in the house. Diane runs into a big problem, however, as a lot of people had already made deals with Erika to keep her in the house. Remember, the plan was supposed to be Erika as the pawn, so they never thought it was supposed to be Erika vs. somebody else. Boogie and Erika was the plan and Erika and will was the backup, but of course it didn’t happen that way.

The odds were really against Diane, but she decided that she had to at least give it a try, and a lot of the power players did seem to like the idea of keeping Diane in the house. Diane has basically sworn allegiance against season six and Janelle saying that all hell’s going to hit the fan is she stays in the house and that fan is going to be Janelle. Erika might secretly be gunning for Janelle, but she will be much more cautious and in general is going to pretty much be a floater. Diane did seem to have the sympathy of some of he more strategic players in the game, including James and Danielle, but whenever Diane tried to get somebody alone to talk to them, Erika would come out and just sit next to them and not say anything. It’s very annoying when somebody does that, but it had its intended effect, which was to break up every and all conversations.

I am pretty sure the people just didn’t want Erika to hear strategy, but she was on slop this week, and always had a bowl with her, so maybe they thought she was going to fart like Chicken George, and Erika would probably be the silent but deadly type, because that is the way she plays her game. And in the world of Big Brother and farts, nobody wants something that sneaks up on them out of nowhere.

Do we have video of Chicken George using the hookah to pick his nose? I know it’s out there somewhere.

Although Diane wasn’t able to campaign much without Erika in her back pocket, Danielle was very intrigued at the possibility of keeping Danielle. It seemed like Danielle agreed with Diane that they shouldn’t be doing Janelle’s dirty work. This excuse seems to be a common one with the houseguests this year, but the fact of the matter is that people are always willing to let other people do their dirty work. In fact, it’s exactly what floaters try to do. Danielle tried to rally some votes for Diane, asking Mike Boogie why he promised to vote for Diane. Boogie explained that it was the only way he was going to be able to save Will, which makes sense, but is bullshit.

Boogie might be an honest person, but he has no allegiance Erika or Janelle, even if Janelle did save him this week AND saved Dr. Will by not putting him up. Still, the only reason he is voting for Erika is not because he wants to keep his word, but because he still wants Season Six to trust him a little more because he isn’t scared of the floaters yet. He wants to be allies with season six and, you guessed it, let them do his dirty work. Danielle then went to talk to James, who happens to be Diane’s other big ally in the house, and told him Boogie is too honest of a man to switch his vote, but Will has no problem breaking his word and would definitely vote for Erika. Will even mentioned that Boogie would be open for suggestion, because Chilltown is a fluid organism. I almost thought he said fluid orgasm, which does make sense, considering Chilltown really is a stain on the blue dress of human existence.

If there was one thing that was wrong with James’ strategy, and Will pointed this out, it was that his motives were a little bit off. Will asked him what his motives were for evicting Erika, and James said that it was “just to make a statement”, which is not really the way that you want to go about doing your business. I still think it would benefit him to get rid of Diane, but doing things to make statements is a retarded way to play the game. This is the sort of thinking that Kaysar used to nominate Diane and Nakomis. He was more interested in shaking up the house than actually doing anything that would really benefit him. Then again, when you are scared to make a decisive move, you end up making plenty of statements, just ask Janelle. Instead of making a decisive move during the veto ceremony, she made a statement when she failed to nominate Dr. Will, and everybody realized where she was going to try and align herself in the game.

Next up, Julie interviewed Janelle in the HoH room. I never thought I would EVER say this, but I am really glad that Janelle is no longer in power. There is only so much pink that one guy can take in his life (get your mind out of the gutter EdHill, I’m not talking about THAT kind of pink – nobody can get enough of that), and my quota is filled by the box of Special K with redberries in the Kitchen and the tops of the Yoplait in the fridge.

Julie has been giving some great interviews, and although this one wasn’t as good as some of the others, she has not shied away from asking tough questions. Immediately, she asked if Janelle was falling for Dr. Will, to which Janelle gave an emphatic NO like she was five year-old and her mom just asked her if she wanted to go get her shots and as a reward she’d come home and make her all the frozen peas and brussel sprouts she could eat. I couldn’t tell if Janelle really had no attachment to Will or if it was just easier for her to say it because he wasn’t around, but I think she had a copout answer to the whole thing, saying she and Will are just good friends, and the reason she didn’t put him up was because she felt like “he wasn’t a threat to her personally”, but I think that she’s just so in love with Will that she doesn’t realize that he would throw her under the Sally Struthers in order to get ahead in the game.

The next topic of conversation was Janelle and her alliances. At one point, she said her loyalty was to Howie, Marcellas, Kaysar, and then James, and Julie wondered if that order had changed. Janelle said that the order might go up and down at times, but that is her alliance. She then went on to say that Chilltown is not in her alliance, she has no loyalty to them and that Marcellas is her friend. So, was all of that stuff about how Marcellas now hates Janelle all a big misdirection? Is there any former ally of his that would be willing to talk? Hmm, I wonder what Amy Crews is doing these days!

For those of you who don’t remember Amy, she was Marcellas’ best friend from Season 3. She was from the south and loved getting drunk and eating cheese. Big Brother sought her out and found her in the south (Port St. Joe, Florida) and she was busy eating a cheese plate and drinking wine. In fact, the only thing that changed about her was her new husband, who she said bears a strong resemblance to Rhett Butler. I am assuming she meant that her husband looked like Clark Gable, which I guess would make her Carole Lombard, which I guess would make me Denzel Washington. In other words, she’s been spending way too much time with wine and cheese, and not enough time IN FRONT OF A MIRROR.

Rhett Butler? This guy isn’t even Jeff Jarrett

Not even the producers could show this guy’s full face. I even began to believe that he was in some sort of witness protection. Amy did say that liked to travel and entertain a lot. Maybe the travel was moving to different places and the entertainment was the new identities the US Marshals gave her. I bet Amy’s husband turned state’s evidence on the feared Four Horseman gang, not Jase, Scott, Drew, and Michael, but Seamus, Lars, Shep, and Josiah, the heads of the largest crime families of the American Amish. They make illegal shipments across state lines in order to avoid the butter and pie taxes. Amy’s husband didn’t like the huckleberry pie he bought from them, and so he exposed their prostitution ring where they forced women to bare their ankles for men as young as 45 and wouldn’t let these women bear children until they were at least 17. Amy and her husband have been running ever since, which seems easy since the Amish are in horse and buggy all the time, but you never know when some enterprising guy in rumspringa is looking to seek revenge.

Beauty is in the eye of the beheld, chubbs.

Although Amy had fond memories of Big Brother 3, she didn’t have much good to say about Marcellas, or the new blonde in his life. I thought in BB4, they tried to make it look like Marcellas and Amy were still friends during the “where are they now” segment, but if that was the case then, it is not true now. Amy had some pretty awful things to say about Janelle, even mentioning that she’s like something you would buy in a transvestite sex shop, which is sort of funny, because hey, TVgasm made a living off of “Janelle has balls” jokes during the first few weeks of Big Brother 6, but the joke is kind of old now.

Personally, I think Amy is simply bitter because Marcellas found a hotter blonde, and her talk about Janelle not having her kind of inner beauty. I guess Janelle would have been more inner-beautiful to Amy if she, I don’t know, made fun of Marcellas old blonde partner. Despite taking a slight turn this week, I do think Janelle is a good person, and the inner beauty that Amy think she has is most likely the leftover fried chicken she had for lunch.

Amy saved her best comments for Marcellas. They showed a lot of highlights from season three, but the best was from that final argument when Marcellas accused Amy of playing the martyr (I love the guy, but he was a whiny bitch for much of that game towards the end). Amy went on to say that Marcellas turned on her not because of friendship but because she was no longer useful in the game and if Janelle was no longer useful in the game, Marcellas would turn on her as well, his weakness being that he is too emotional and too shady.

When we returned to the house, it was time to talk with he nominees. Other than a few flubs when she said J-Janelle and v-vote, Julie was pretty smooth this episode. The eviction was live, however, so there is always a chance to flub. It was hard to understand what Erika and Diane had to say. Erika blabbed on about how honored she was to be there (is that in their contract or something? EVERYBODY says that), but warned she didn’t sound coherent because she had been on slop. Erika is thin, but did you notice the ano-arms she had during this time? Is the slop really doing that, or is the presence of Mike Boogie just making her throw up all the time and she’s not keeping her food down? We should just call her Lara Flynn Erika at this point.

Diane, who was wearing a very poor-fitting shiny pink top that made it look she had had gone shopping expecting to get breast implants but never got the implants, rambled on giving a bunch of shoutouts to her family back home, and then a few to the people in the house, but said “everybody” knew what was going to happen, and left with a little advice, saying “Don’t make deals before the veto competition”, which could have been great and catty, but nobody seemed to care and Julie had them all go into the diary room to vote, starting with Kaysar.

If you are new to big brother, the live evictions are great because Julie does the play-by-play as the houseguest walks to the diary room. Unfortunately, they really rushed through the votes this year. Normally, the houseguests wait until the previous voter is back in the living room before the next one votes, but this year they were passing each other in the hallway and giving high fives and fist bumps as they passed each other. Sometimes I imagine this is what Olympic figure skaters do when they pass each other backstage after they have received their flowers, finished crying, and waited for the coach to stop cursing the East German officials. If you think I spend too much time thinking about figure skaters, rest assured that most of it is spent looking at nudie pictures of Katarina Witt.

The votes were received and Diane was eliminated. In the end, only one person voted for her, and that was Dr. Will. Nobody seemed that shaken, like they all knew it was going to come, and for once the strangest thing to happen at eviction had nothing to do with Chicken George. Diane left the house with her bag, well two bags actually, because she also removed a huge bag of Lay’s chips along with her duffel bag. OK, I know that Diane said she was poor and that she’s going home to live on her sister’s couch, but did she have to steal a bag of chips? Is she flying American Airlines back to Kentucky and doesn’t want to pay for the snack? Will she sell them to help pay off her veneers?

Howie calls his hair style, the Mt. Saint Helens of faux-hawks

Who knew they opened up a Paisley Palace Emporium in Azusa?!

Julie got right down to the interview, and yes, she did have her go-go Chenbot handshake ready ahead of time, and asked what happened to her and Janelle. Diane blamed the whole thing on stuff that had happened outside of the game. Janelle had talked shit about Diane during season six (anybody remembered what she said?) and although Janelle apologized, Diane never though it was sincere, and Diane mentioned it to a few people in the house. I guess it got back to Janelle and Janelle thought it was enough of a threat to want to get rid of Diane.

She’s all that…and a bag of chips! (A GIANT bag of chips to be exact)

The other interesting part of Diane’s interview was when she talked about the Mr. and Mrs. Smith alliance. Basically, she said it never existed (which is why we shouldn’t take random clips on YouTube out of context). She said that Jase thought there was an alliance, but she never knew anything about it, and Julie chimed in to mention that it’s tough to have a one-sided alliance. Again, by her body language, I thought she seemed pretty sincere. She is training to be an actress, so maybe she was simply better at hiding what her real thoughts were than Jase was when he left.

Once again, the goodbye messages were bullshit. The only person who made sense was Will, who said that sweet and sensitive people don’t do well in the game and she was sweet and sensitive. Will could be blowing smoke, but considering he is the only person to vote for Diane to stay, I’ll believe him. As for the others, George was talking about how Diane meant so much to him, but apparently not enough to actually give her some votes. Marcellas had to be the worst, saying that it pissed him off, because she knows how he feels about her, but he promised to do Janelle in. That made Diane happy, but I have to call bullshit on all of these people who said they couldn’t vote for Diane because they made a deal with Erika. THAT IS WHAT THE GAME IS ABOUT. I like Erika, but she’s not going to be on the jury. If they thought Diane was that huge of an ally, really wanted to see her go after Janelle, or truly meant so much to them, they could have easily voted Erika off.

Marcellas tells Diane that he can hook her up with a job at Frito Lay

From there, all that was left was the HoH competition. It was going to be an endurance challenge, and for some reason, everybody had on gloves, and it looked like Sirhan Sirhan (the cat burglar, not the assassin) was going to compete with them, and then I just realized that it was Kaysar with his knit cap on. The game was called caught in a web, and the houseguests each had to climb up into a big spider web that would be suspended above the ground. The goal was to go as long as possible without touching the ground.

To me, it looked really easy. The “web” looked like a big hammock, and the only thing I wondered was how many days the houseguests could stay up there. In order to make things interesting, there were five eggs placed on the outside. One contained a slop-free pass for the week, which could even save Chicken George, one egg gave somebody the power to cancel somebody’s eviction vote, one had $10,000 in it, and two eggs were rotten. Finally, the producers decided to add a slight degree of difficulty. Saying that the spider was hungry, they decided to make the houseguests more appetizing, and then proceeded to spray a bunch of some white substance all over the people in the net. I don’t know about you, but I never thought that jizzing on my food when I’m hungry would make it more appetizing. I never thought that jizzing on my food when I’m not hungry would make it more appetizing. Who knew giant, hairy, man-eating spiders liked to play ookie cookie, err, ookie houseguest?

Don’t look so happy Marcellas!

Now, if you want to know what happened, you can USE THE FORUMS. As for the rest of you, NO SPOILERS, not even to say when the competition is finished. Some people want to be surprised when the results come up on Sunday, and we try to keep it that way here on the main page. Again USE THE FORUMS, everybody is really nice! You’ll love it!

I thought it was only an average episode. It looked like everybody really decided to keep Erika early on, and so the producers tried to make it look like Diane had a chance, but it wasn’t close. Personally, I thought Diane would have been more interesting in the game because she is reckless, and that’s what we like to see, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

I expect that the floaters would fight as hard as possible to win. It will be interesting to see if a floater wins, and even more interesting to see if James wins, because of everything he promised. Julie said that it was going to be a week of competitions based on power and temptation, and it seems like the producers added something at the last minute in case season six wins again. Julie said that Big Brother would introduce a Coup d’ Etat, which would allow one person to overthrow the HoH “at a moment’s notice”. My guess is that competition is fixed for Danielle or Marceallas to win if season six wins again, but I’m not sure how often it will be in play.

What did you think of the episode? Did you want Erika or Diane to go home? Who do you want to win HoH? Who do you want to be nominated? What do you think of this coup d’ etat twist?