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We received an odd little email last night. Someone claiming to be Michael Donnellan from the upcoming Big Brother 6 cast wrote: “We’ll swear we have nothing to do with this until the mystery is solved. Watch your live feeds and learn the Secret.” He then provided a link to “The Official Big Brother 6 Blog, Featuring Michael Donnellan,” which allegedly is being updated from inside the Big Brother compound. Now, it’s hard to say whether or not this is a hoax, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt (because we’re bored and need something to harp on).The blog actually begins about a week ago, prior to CBS announcing the cast. Michael happily ushers in his entrance to the blogosphere by writing, “If you’re a girl and you’re over 18, hi.” Idiot. He then spends a significant amount of time posing dumb questions like “Can you swear in your blog? I don’t know. Do I designate my blog as family friendly? If I had a blog, which I do now, I’m pretty sure I’d like kids to be able to read it.” and “Am I supposed to capitalize the words in the post title, like it’s a book?” Yes, the pressing issues of a burgeoning reality star.
After finally honing the fine art of blog formatting (“First of all, if you note, I chose to go with the ‘a’ option in terms of capitalization. I don’t know what the official rule is, but my blog is staying casual if I have anything to say about it.” THANKS), Michael reveals that “they” will be coming to get him soon (Big Brother producers never sounded so ominous). He leaves us with another fantastic foray into his witty brand of humor:
“In closing, let me say I hope everyone has a great summer, and that I’ll see you soon. Or you see me soon. One or the other – let’s leave things open, because frankly, you’re cute and I want to see you again. I’m looking forward to the BB6 house and hopefully meeting some cool people. I assume I’ll at least be able to make one friend, right?”
Yeah, probably won’t happen — what with the lame humor and all. Two days later, Michael details the fun of a CBS promo shoot, noting how silly he felt dancing around for the cameras. “Hilarious for people that know I’m kind of a jack-ass already, but anyone else is going to wonder what’s wrong with me,” he writes. Actually, this blog is doing a fine job of that already.
After some musings on Tom Cruise and complaints about sequestered life (sequestered and blogging at the same time? I’m confused), Michael then lists his greatest fears about the show, ranking “going to the bathroom” and getting slapped by “Julie Chan (Chan or Chang?)” highest. Personally, I don’t see how the latter could rank as a “fear.” If the Chenbot attacked me on live television, I would be honored. By the way, after last season’s spate of malfunctions and glitches, Julie Chen’s “KILL” algorithm will surely kick in one of these days by accident. It’ll be like a really awkward version of the Terminator. Awesome.
The next day, Michael then details his first press junket with Entertainment Tonight and E!. Proving to be ever the Casanova, he writes, “I caught a peek of this chick who I think might have been another contestant. She looked at me the same way I looked at her, which was a big ‘I don’t think I’m supposed to be seeing you’ face. She was brunette, big smile, great body – exactly my type. Regardless of whether she’s in there or not, she was nice to look at.” Oh, did you ask if her if she was 18 or older? Because then you could have said “Hi.”
Now, to be fair, Michael’s next entry is fairly amusing. He writes about needing some mental stimulation to help pass the time in sequesteration. Up until now, there hadn’t really been any evidence that mental stimulation had ever been part of his daily routines; so I guess it’s appropriate that a producer fetched him “A paddle ball game, 3 packs of gum, and a cow candle.” Ha! What a douchebag.
So this is all fine and dandy, but things get relatively interesting on Sunday (a.k.a. two days ago): “I’ll be back, next time you hear from me will be from inside – they haven’t told me exactly how this is going to work yet, although they did say they’re attaching a clue for you to this post. I don’t know why you need a clue, but then suddenly I feel like I don’t know anything… ” FYI – attached to the post was an image of the number thirteen. I don’t get it either, nor am I going to wrack my brains trying to figure it out. This is Big Brother, after all. I’m perfectly happy to have the Chenbot reveal / slur and stutter all twists and surprises.
Nevertheless, it appears as though the rumored blog from within the house will be happening (provided that this entire blog isn’t just an elaborate sham). Michael spends the next few posts explaining how his site will work, noting that he’s allegedly the only houseguest with a blog. He then writes “I’ve already lost track of what day it is and general things like that. It’s all pretty crazy, but there are some NICE butts making it worthwhile.” Ah yes, just 48 more hours until Big Brother…