It seems like every week I have a different opinion on Big Brother. While the last two episodes have been good, overall the show lacks that much drama. There have been individual episodes that have been great, but I keep on returning to the overall feeling that this show was decided in the first week. There is lots of backstabbing and the scheming is great, but you just know that Will is going to win, and while I may respect him as a player, his domination of the game is not compelling. I kind of feel bad for him because every great player needs a rival, and this cast has decided not to worry about challenging him AT ALL.
Our last great hope, Janelle, has done a great job saving herself, but unfortunately has not been able to save us from the slop that we now call Big Brother. The producers have taken a page from Emmy-Award winning reality production and introduced their own Fast Forward, where we’ll have two evictions, plus a whole entire round of HoH, nominations, and vetoes sandwiched in between. Will it generate the needed excitement? It’s not Neil Patrick Harris, but it will do.
OK, so I guess I was a little bit of a Debbie Downer, but please don’t think that just because this show is boring means that I won’t tune in. First of all, I have to show solidarity for all of the TVgasm peeps that have been following us all summer, and second, we still have the one, the only… JULIE CHEN! Yes, we love the Chenbot. If there was one sentence that could sum up my relationship with her, right after “non-existent”, “stalker-like”, and “a little too obsessive to be called normal”, it would be “You had me at ‘But first!’”
This summer the Chenbot hasn’t been her wild and crazy self. If there is anything that would spice up this season, it is the return of the Saturn V pantsuit. Instead Julie has been keeping the wardrobe in check and held back a little. Oh Julie, why must you do this to us? Bring back the espantoso top! I was beginning to think I would never know the old Julie, and then I saw her tonight!
I’ve been a bad boy Julie!
Julie was dressed in all black, and on top, she had a leather jacket that was one part dominatrix, one part Hell’s Angels, and 100% Julie Chen. When Julie is dressing well, her outfit is actually distracting from the rest of the show, as you might have noticed since I am approximately 400 words into this recap and not even thirty seconds has passed in the entire show.
For those of you who missed Tuesday’s excellent Doogie-Hauser infested episode, Janelle won the veto, saving herself, and putting Erika in the position to nominate arguably her closest ally, Danielle, for eviction. For all the great strategy and scheming Danielle has done, she left too much out in the open when it came to Erika’s decision. Danielle let Chilltown fill Erika’s head with thoughts that she couldn’t beat Danielle in the final two, but Danielle didn’t do a good enough job of reminding Erika that Danielle is the only person who would have picked her for the final two in the first place.
As for Erika, the decision has to be considered very stupid. She says that the game is “about getting to the end”, but if that were the case, why would she put her biggest and most effective ally in harm’s way? What’s even worse, Erika is saying that in the end, who can you trust but yourself? Well, obviously, she is trusting Chilltown. I am not if all of the peroxide in Mike Boogie’s hair has been killing off her brain cells when they spoon, but how in the world does she think it’s better to trust the two biggest liars in the game? Then again, how can I blame her when everybody else has been doing it too?
And what about Chilltown? They are in the same maddening position that they have been in all year; they are causing all the problems in the house, but nobody has dared make them pay for it. Will even said, “I am the one who did this, and nobody is mad at me.” Danielle actually believes that she is safe, but Will says he’ll just string her along like he has with James, Howie, and Marcellas.
The saddest part about this is that you see both Erika and Janelle playing right into their hands. Mike and Will are both telling them the same things, i.e. that they both are the “secret member of Chilltown”, but they are crafty ninjas and nobody knows what they are doing. Erika looks stupidly into the camera and says, “Being that I am the secret member of Chilltown, I think they have my back” and Janelle says, “Nobody knows that I’m with Chilltown”. The only person more delusional is somebody confusing Lara Flynn Boyle for Delta Burke.
To make matters worse, Will and Mike decide that they might as well have Chicken George as an ally as well. Granted, Chicken George barely knows what’s going on at this point in the game. He looks so confused it’s like he spent his whole summer in Australia driving on the left side of the road and watching the toilets flush clockwise and his brain has just enough function left over to enable him to eat and speak. He eats up his initiation into Chilltown, promising to “step up” when the guys need him.
Am I just hating on a good team? Well, yes. I thought I simply loved the game, but at this point it’s like watching the Saturday movie on TNT. You’ve seen it all before, you know how it’s going to end, and you feel pissed off at yourself because you can’t find anything better to do, but still sit through it anyway. For the love of God, why do these people just sit there and take it? Danielle, who you would expect to fight for her life, because that’s what she does, is content on taking promises from Will and Mike that she is safe. Before I can say to myself “Has she not been watching this entire season?” Will says “I’m not sure if Danielle’s been watching, so maybe I should introduce myself, they call me the puppet master.” It’s smug, it’s arrogant, but he talks the talk and walks the walk, so why should he stop himself if others are too stupid to do it themselves?
Back to the Live Show, Julie Chen promises that we have never experienced a show like this, which is true, because Julie’s outfit has never inspired me to go out and buy assless chaps made out of latex until tonight. With THAT disturbing image in your head, the show is like no other because we are getting “Big Brother Fast Forward”, or as I like to call it “We’ve been getting our ass kicked in the ratings, so let’s switch to Cold Case”.
Looking into the house, it’s worse than I can imagine, George is dressed up as a huge flower. My only hope is that he sees the awesome video B-side made and throws that suit away for good. Why would he wear that after all of the “nectar” that is all over it? Seems like it would be a little sticky, no?
I am sure the last few days have been crazy in the actual house, but it appears like Danielle is actually very calm. She didn’t bother getting dressed up for the event, but it doesn’t look like she wants to chopsticks with a machete and Erika’s face any longer either. During her speech, she basically says that she doesn’t want to go home, which is nice because it is heartfelt, but in the little corner of the world that we call “reality”, this is never going to happen.
Admittedly, I have been a little bitter during this recap, but can you blame me? I want to believe in miracles, and I should have learned my lesson last year not to trust any of these idiots to do the right thing, but Will is not taking any Chances. Will, Mike Boogie, and Janelle all vote for Erica. Another promise of safety from Chilltown, another person going home.
Adding to my disappointment was that Danielle was totally calm about the whole thing. I was hoping that she would get mad and kick Will or Mike in the nuts or something, but she decided to go out with dignity and told people to have fun, kick butt, and that she’ll be voting for the best player. UGH! If I am going to be so frustrated with these episodes, the least thing I can get is some violence. Instead, Danielle looks about as angry as somebody ordering extra cinnamon in their Chai latté at Starbucks.
Danielle came out to meet Julie, and really, what can you say when the first thing you see after sixty days of being sequestered is the host of your show dressed up like she was late for a Sopranos convention? My only thought is that Julie wanted a little something extra special for Les when she got back home, but he was on the East Coast saying goodbye to Bob Scheiffer, so I guess that theory is out the window.
Julie asks Danielle about Chilltown, and she said that she was expecting the unexpected. You know, if something happened to Danielle that was unexpected and she was evicted, I could understand. However, what happened to her WAS NOT UNEXPECTED. Chilltown had done it three weeks in a row, so how can she say this was unexpected?
The goodbye messages were the usual stuff. Danielle is great, etc, etc, but a few stand out. Will said that when James left, he felt that she would have animosity and come after him, as if Will somehow didn’t deserve somebody to come after him. Seriously, don’t you come after the people that break alliances? Isn’t will proud of doing it? I also find it odd that Will somehow blames this on Danielle, when he was the one who got rid of James (he admitted as much), causing all of this animosity he was worried about!
If there is anything I could be happy about, it was that Danielle finally got mad at somebody at the end. Erika gave a tearful goodbye message, saying that she was really hurt that Danielle told her that she wouldn’t vote for her from the jury. Is she even listening to herself? Did she really expect Danielle was going to encourage her to keep her off the block by saying “No matter what your decision is, I’m going to vote for you. You know what? Betrayal is awesome! Let’s do it again sometime!” Luckily this won’t be an issue because Erika will probably be joining her soon. And even if she makes it to the final two, will anybody vote for her after seeing that she was spending the summer sleeping with Mike Boogie?
Anyway, Danielle said that it’s now personal, and she hopes that Danielle is the one joining her on that charter flight to the sequester house (which we got absolutely ZERO of tonight. Want to make the Internet work CBS? Show special web-only sequester house videos. They will be HUGE). She said that she had Erika’s back, and if she thinks Chilltown or Janelle is going to do the same, she is wrong. But then Danielle says that she forgives Erika. Damn! Why can’t these people hold a grudge? Where’s Howie when you need him?
Back in the house, I was nearly blinded as Chicken George started taking off his clothes just in case a green leotard was somehow a disadvantage in the upcoming competition. He didn’t get naked, but I think I have some strange reflex where I begin to reflexively look for a fork to stab my eyes out whenever somebody that big and pasty takes their clothes off. I call this the Kathy Bates effect because it first happened to me while watching “About Schmidt”. Luckily, Junior Mints aren’t damaging to the cornea. While watching Big Brother, I think it was about to happen again, but the cameras cut away just in time, which is cool, because I don’t think I could rock the eye patch all that well.
The next HoH competition was again not true/false, but male/female. The houseguests were asked 8 questions about events in the house, and the winner of the game was HoH. Our girl Janelle won, once again giving me hope that there would be some sort of sweet redemption that us viewers could savor! After so many weeks of us having to watch Chilltown screwing people over, finally Janelle will screw over Will and Boogie!
Or maybe not.
Like I said, I should have learned last year not to get my hopes up. Julie told the houseguests that they would have four minutes. When Chicken George won the HoH competition on a live show, he was forced to make a nomination decision, so Janelle probably knows what is coming. Almost immediately, she calls Will into a side room with her to discuss her possibilities.
It’s hard for me to explain just how upset I was, but it would be something along the lines of them telling me that Vitamin Water caused cancer. I hadn’t been so upset since I just finished watching Lucky Number Slevin in the theaters, and realized I paid $25 for two tickets to see that show. Basically, it means that Janelle is not her own person, and any designs we had on sweet revenge are now about as likely as Alec Baldwin being able to see his own feet when he gets out of bed in the morning.
Janelle and Will discuss strategy. As strong as we like to pretend Janelle is, she is as weak-minded as Erika. Janelle wants to get rid of Boogie to secure Will’s allegiance, just like Erika thought of getting rid of Will to test Boogie’s allegiance. Instead, Will says that they are coming after us, and we have to come after them, but they just don’t do it loud. When this game is said and done, this is how Janelle is going to be remembered? Best player to ever play the game? Hardly. Even is she wins first place, people are going to see that when things got tough and she had to make a decision, she sought ought advice from Will. It’s almost as stupid as Kaysar taking his hand off the button. Janelle had control of this game, and effectively gave it to somebody else.
I’ve been waffling back and forth about her all season, but this might be what makes me put her in the dumbass category once and for all. Janelle even let Will talk her into staying in the side room until Julie called their names. He said that he is making the show and it would add drama if they didn’t leave until Julie called their name. Yeah, it might have added drama if we didn’t all just hear you talking about it, dumbass. What’s next Will? Are you going to park in the red zone until the meter maid tells you to stop? Maybe he is going to tap on the glass on the aquarium at the pet shop? What a genius!
Well, Julie did call everybody back into the living room, and I am not sure what happened, but her mike was REALLY loud. Will and Janelle walked back into the living room and there really wasn’t that much drama. The only thing that was interesting was trying to figure out how Erika and George could just let the other two talk without trying to interrupt them at all. That four minutes of strategy just put the two of them on the block. Janelle tried to act confused like she didn’t know what was going on, saying “I haven’t really had that much time to talk to anyone”, and by anyone, she meant anyone besides Will. She tried to sound like she was making a hasty decision picking Erika and George, but it was the worst acting job since James threw that Power of Veto.
Since we were on a tight schedule, we proceeded straight to the veto game. The houseguests were tied to long piece of rope. The rope had two knots in it, and on the other end was a veto symbol. To win, the houseguest had to unite their knots and pull the veto symbol off the rope. With veto symbol in hand, they then had to touch a red button, signaling the end of the game.
The best scenario would have been for Chicken George to win, and Janelle being forced to nominate Boogie, which would have sent Erika to sequester, which would have made for one sweet sequester house when she arrived with Danielle. Unfortunately this plan requires George to have some skill, and we know he doesn’t excel at anything besides farting. And he may be a good farter, but those knots were too strong for that.
The competition actually came down to Erika and Dr. Will. The Big Brother season has come down to this. I was basically gloating because Will said he would throw every competition, but clearly he was trying on this one. HA! I told you! He was a liar! HA! Will was actually the first one untie his knots and then touch the buzzer, but Julie clearly said at the beginning that you must take the veto symbol OFF THE ROPE, and Dr. Will’s veto symbol was still attached. He hit the buzzer and thought he won, and it took him a while to figure out why Julie didn’t name him the winner. In those few seconds, Erika was able to detach her veto symbol and take herself off of the block, making sure that somebody else was going to be the pawn this week.
Once again, we go back in the house, and at this point, everybody is really confused. Erika of course vetoes herself off, and Janelle nominates Mike Boogie to replace her. Mike takes his seat and Julie Chen made a joke about mike taking the proper seat, and was very pleased with herself. Unfortunately, the self-congratulation routines on the Chenbot were a little messed up and there was this awkward silence while Julie said nothing, and the people left in the living room were just sort of staring at each other until somebody rebooted Chenbot off screen and she said “The Veto meeting is now adjourned”.
Hey, we have to give Julie credit, she had to a live eviction, an exit interview, and HoH competition, and HoH ceremony, a veto competition, a veto ceremony, and now another live eviction and exit interview. Hopefully she has the Lithium batteries to keep her going this long. So, Julie asked George and Boogie if they had anything to say, and George is so used to being up there, it’s like an amusement park attraction. He has the fast pass to nominations, and he’s just here for another ride. Boogie made sure to thank his business partner at the Dolce group, saying that he was expecting to be gone for two weeks and that he never would have been able to do this without him. Wouldn’t it be funny if Boogie gets back and the Dolce group had its best summer ever and he was bought out because they realized he was bringing the whole franchise down? Ahhh, there I go again with the wishful thinking….
I have tried to put some suspense into this episode, but let’s be honest; nothing could have saved Chicken George. Will and Erika voted to evict George and nobody was surprised. I hope CBS is happy with what they have done. We have Chilltown plus their two showmances. There is going to be enough smug in this house over the next to weeks to fuel a whole nation of Priuses.
George went out to meet Julie, and when he said, “You look great”, she said, “So do you!”. I guess looking great is relative. I’m not sure the Chenbot has any algorithms to handle seeing Chicken George’s package in a leotard, so she must have been happy he had taken that off. My hat goes off to George for lasting this long. He was a gamer, and he made it quite far for somebody who admitted to having no strategy whatsoever. He called himself the donkey in the Kentucky Derby, or the kid who ate paint chips at the spelling bee.
I had wondered if the producers were going to be cruel enough to make Chicken George eat slop the rest of the way, but Julie kept her promise and there was friend chicken waiting for him when he got out. It was even delivered by Colonel Sanders! A strangely silent Colonel Sanders, but still Colonel Sanders.
Is it just me or does Colonel look like he wants to get back to Shady Pines?
I am resigned to a Chilltown victory. The only reason I watched this show was my hope that somebody would eventually doublecross Chilltown with some a dish of revenge served very ice cold. Now I really have to comfort myself with small victories. Will thought he broke his thumb, but that sort of injury doesn’t hurt that much, especially when the only pain is because you were counting your $500,000 prize. There was also Boogie’s random shoutout to his boys from New Hampshire. How maladjusted is this guy? He runs clubs in Los Angeles, is probably the coolest guy to ever graduate from High School, and he makes it to the final four of a reality show and thinks that he is finally validated? Hopefully he’ll have tickets to Dr. Phil after this.
No, my sense of victory will happen when everybody leaves the house. It was funny to hear the final four all inside the house saying that somebody has to return because there is so much time left and only four people. Will, who said that he was running this game, is going to come outside and learn that this game that he dominated was the lowest rated Big Brother in years. Will’s ego is large enough that learning the producers thought it would be better to cut the season short than make people suffer watching this group in the house is enough to have some sort of effect, but once again, $500,000 can sure help massage a bruised ego.
Your final four.
What did you think of the episode? Who is going home next week? Who will be in the final two? Are you happy with this group of four? Did Janelle make the right decisions? Can anybody beat Chilltown? Does anybody else even deserve to win?
And don’t forget, the next live show will be on CBS on Tuesday. If you haven’t slit your wrists, you should try and tune in.