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Hey, Flipit and Schoonie here. The Big Brother 8 cast was released yesterday, and we have a lot to say about them. Who are they? Do any of them have any idea what they’ve signed up for? Who is a bigger douche, Joe or Dick (or Nick? or Mike? or…any of the other guys, who are all also douches)? Let’s check them out!
Amber Is a 27-year-old cocktail waitress from Las Vegas, NV. She serves drinks at Caesar’s Palace, and her relationship status is listed as “separated”.
Flipit: Amber says that everyone just seems to love her and she doesn’t know why. Hullo. Who doesn’t love a cocktail waitress when they’re at Caesars Palace? Valley Girl alert! Amber says she’s a little weasel, but you’d never know it. Anyone who’s ever ordered a drink in a casino knows you’re a weasel, Amber. I’d cover my quarter bucket if I saw this girl coming towards me. That’s all I’m saying.
Schoonie: No shit. By the way, pretty much all cocktail waitresses in Vegas are “separated”. I went to Vegas in March with some friends and married three, maybe four of them while I was there. I owe a shitload in alimony. You don’t even KNOW. Anyway, she reminds me of Diane, and I’m not sure whether that’s a good or bad thing. She could be awesome, or she could cry a whole bunch, fall in love with a bland and boring twin and tell everyone that she smokes too much pot. Your call, Amber!
Carol is a 21-year-old student from Lawrence, Kansas. She’s single, and also, she wasn’t even in the Early Show preview video. Since the CBS website isn’t exactly illuminating either, I’m just going to assume that she’s boring. Hi, first voted out! Or the winner! Whichever one you end up being!
Dick is a 44-year-old professional douche from…LA! I am blown away by that information.
Flipit: Dick has run nightclubs, bars, tattoo parlors, crack houses, meth labs, and prostitution rings. I’ll give him two days before the shakes set in. Dick fancies himself a playa and tells us manipulating girls comes naturally to him. Convincing drunk teenagers you don’t have an STD isn’t a manipulation, Dick, it’s a dangerous lie. I hope the Chenbot leaves some Clorox Anti-bacterial spray by the toilet, cuz this guy looks like one big germ ready to spread.
Schoonie: Anyone who says that “manipulating girls is a way of life” for them is probably lying. And boring. And tool-y. And he introduces himself as “Evil Dick”, which means he is officially the first contestant on Big Brother to be Dead To Me before the show even starts. I’m telling you right now, I’d bet my 401k that Mike Boogie and this guy are personal acquaintances. In fact, I bet Mike like, brought him to Endemol and pushed him in front of Alison Grodner. Dick has the same “I’m still doing this amazingly poseur-y thing like fifteen years after I should have stopped” aura about him, too. How do all these guys know each other? Is there a club somewhere where people like him go to hang out and network about their shady investments and exchange douche-y contact information? Oh yeah: it’s called the Big Brother house.
Jen Jen, 23, is like, a bikini model from Beverly Hills, but at the same time, she’s like a computer nerd.
Flipit: Riiight. My guess from knowing this girl for five seconds is that her idea of being a computer geek is having lots of MySpace friends and being able to both totally chat with like six guys at one time and work a PayPal linked webcam. I don’t know if I’d substitute Jen for the Geek Squad, but if you want your wings hot and on time, this is your girl.
Schoonie: Whatever. Her shirt says “Jenius” which I approve of. The CBS site says that she’s a nanny, which…wah? I thought that all OB-GYNs made you sign a contract right after the baby is delivered that expressly forbids you from leaving your child with an unsupervised Big Brother contestant. I might be wrong about that, though…?
Daniele with one “l” is a 20-year-old Hooter’s waitress from Huntington Beach. She is single, and also super hot.
Schoonie: She looks like the walking physical embodiment of about three-fourths of my entire dating history, so this, of course, means that I love her immediately. Also it means that she is going to wait until we are going steady to show me the crazy. And then I’m going to have to play a game of chicken on the cliffside with Keanu Reeves to win her heart. Oh, wait: that’s Paula Abdul’s “Rush, Rush” video. Nevermind.
Flipit: I have to start off by saying I am so sure you date girls that look like this, Schoonie. Don’t front, but I admire the whole positive thinking thing you’ve got going on. (Schoonie: “What? I’m charming!” (Crickets)) Sorry, I got lost. Daniele is a pretty blonde who works at Hooters as a “server”. Ooooh, I predict tension with Jen. Being a “server” at Hooters is like being a “dancer” in a strip club, and I like people who can make things sound better than they really are. For example, I’m not a blogger, I’m a Professional Television Enthusiast. I know the Professional part is stretching it, but all you need to make that title work is compensation, right? I get paid in Milky Ways. Payment is payment. Get off my ass.
Dustin is a 22-year-old salesman who lives in Chicago. He is single.
Schoonie: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he’s probably not an undershirt salesman. Seriously: buttons. Use them, Simon Cowell. He also says that he’s good at selling himself to complete strangers, or something. So the “whore” portion of “camera whore” is covered, at least.
Flipit: Dustin’s says he’s a salesman and he’s good at selling everything,
including himself. Good! Teach Daniele to do that and get the poor girl off her roller skates. Dustin seems like the nice gay guy, so I’ll temporarily root for him. But seriously, button up your shirt.
Eric is a 27-year-old “talent management assistant” from NYC. He’s also single. Noticing a pattern yet?
Schoonie: He says something about having charisma and then talks abou…..zzzzzzz. Sorry. All his “charisma” just put me to sleep. He has these kind of awkward motions throughout the preview, which means he’s going to be REALLY uncomfortable when it comes time to dress like a flower and soak yourself in pollen or whatever so that you can enjoy your weekly ration of Poptarts, which you will have to stash before Janelle eats them all. (Seriously, I love her, and she is super hot, but every time they showed her, she was eating! She was like a bitchy, sexy locust.)
Flipit: Back off Janelle! She’s healthy (?). Eric thinks his “charisma” will have people rallying behind him. I’m already behind you, Eric, if only to blow spit wads into your hair. He says that when he goes to cut someone’s jugular, they’ll never see it coming. Cuz all they’ll be able to concentrate is that scrunched up lab rat face. The Busted Mug Offense is a strategy we haven’t seen used yet. Expect Eric to make BB history.
Jameka is a 28-year-old school counselor (say goodbye to your job after this!) from Waldorf, Maryland.
Flipit: She’s only been around other black people her whole life, so she’s on Big Brother for more than just the money. She’s there for an education about white people. Don’t they have Friends reruns in Maryland? I like Jameeka, because she seems nice and down to Earth, and I can’t wait to see that look of “Holy shit. White people are wack” look on her face for the rest of the Summer.
Schoonie: Well, Flip, while I appreciate her desire to expand her horizons, anyone who’s like “Big Brother is a learning experience” immediately makes me a little cautious. That’s a little like going on a date with a girl who won’t stop talking about her cats. Also, is Big Brother the place where you can examine the white person in their natural habitat or something? All of a sudden the BB house is the West African Savannah of white people? Maybe she saw this season’s Real World Road Rules Challenge credits and got the idea from that. However, she seems really fun, and I get the second-best first impression from her. First place goes to the chick who wasn’t in the preview at all.
Jessica is 21 and from Haysville, Kansas. Two contestants from Kansas! This year’s theme is now Big Brother: Tornado Alley.
Flipit: I totally forgot about her until I watched the clip a second time, which is a pretty bad sign. Jessica does twelve cutesy poses in three seconds and tells us she’s sweet and loyal until you stab her in the back… then she’s your worst enemy!
Oh, Jess. If you get a knife in the back on this show, it’s too late to make enemies. You’ll already be dead. All I can suggest is coming up with an offense strategy. And maybe some kind of a personality. Cute top, though!
Schoonie: Well, I think that top was stolen from Alison. Did she maybe leave it in the pot last season? I hear it gets pretty hot in there. Jessica’s voice is a bit shriek-y, I must say. Also, I don’t buy the whole “I’m loyal and then WATCH OUT! I’M YOUR WORST ENEMY!” thing. She can’t pull it off. She’s too cheery. I wish it had already been brought-en, though. And I think she might be wearing a house arrest bracelet in the video. Appropriate, or no? You decide. My guess: she robbed a liquor store. When you wear a top that color, it must mean that you’re a Crip. From Kansas.
Joe, 23, is a receptionist from Chicago.
Flipit:“What’s gay and has two thumbs?”
I threw my Diet Coke so hard at the TV, the can looked like I stomped on it. The producers tell us Joe’s smart, he’s funny, and he’s EVIL. And GAY. Really reaaaaaaalllly gay. The guy made me feel both butch, homophobic, and worried. I have a sick feeling that Joe will singlehandedly inspire a whole new generation of gay bashing. Don’t be surprised if there’s another Stonewall by the end of Summer.
Schoonie: There are no words. I live in Chicago too, so the fact that I’ve even been in the same time zone as this guy is..disturbing. He’s like what would happen if you asked a Republican to draw a gay man. It’s…wow. You guys know from my Survivor recaps how much I disapprove of people who become cartoon versions of themselves (Hi, Rocky!). Oh man, get Lisi up in this Big Brother house, please. Do you know how crazy she would go? And it would be easy to find her a rival, because her rival is: EVERYONE WHO WATCHES SURVIVOR. And she would have to find new ways to fall all season.
Anyway, Joe sucks.
Kail is a 37-year-old business owner (Schoonie: “And MILF. Hi, Kail!”).
Flipit:What a cute, perky mom from Oregon. She’s the Republican of the bunch, so expect a sly, ball skewering manipulator under that golly gee facade. I’m choosing Kail as my early favorite to win this thing because I am afraid of both moms and proud Republicans. I hope she takes the time to give a mommy lecture about dirty needles, condoms, and basic grooming to Dirty Dick.
Schoonie: Dirty Dick? Not touching that one. Republicans normally don’t do very well on this show (see also: The Don), but we’ll see. She also reminds me of Karen from BB5, but without the crazy, which seems to have arrived in the form of Joe this year, whom I expect she is going to clash with. Also predicted to clash with Joe: Schoonie.
Mike is a 26-year-old painter and model from Wisconsin. He is the proud owner of a set of scary eyebrows.
Flipit::Mike poses for the camera like he’s on a Suits For Less commercial.
He’s a painting contractor and he’s single. He laughs as if adding “if you can believe that”. Totally can, dude. Mike looks like the guy who drives around my neighborhood trying to sell people sound systems out of his SUV. Mmmm, that’s tempting, but I gotta pass.
Schoonie: I do like his suit. He should buy an undershirt from Dustin, though. Do they take all your undershirts away when you go into the Big Brother house? It’s like, “Into this plastic bin, please place all guns, hazardous materials, needles, and undershirts.” Then Julie Chen swallows it all and uses the trash compactor stored in her robot belly to turn it into a very small cube. She’s so useful!
Nick is from Kimball, Minnesota and is a “Former Professional Football Player”.
Schoonie: Former? At 25? He must have run into Lawrence Taylor in a dark alley or something. He flexes his biceps for the camera a bit too much, too. Maybe to distract you from the shirt which clearly indicates that he was recently released from prison? And he is afflicted with Hanson Hair. It’s..he’s tool-y. He’s that guy in the bar who you know is going to get laid, but then whoever he sleeps with is never going to talk to him again.
Flipit: Nick describes himself as a good looking charmer, but he’s from Minnesooota so it sounds like he’s a good lookin’ chaarmer who’s gonna have luck with the ladies in the hoace….Nick has ginormous muscles and comes off as a complete bimbo, so I automatically love him. YAY big hot dumb guys!
Zach is 30 and is a graphic designer from Cali.
Flipit: Zach doesn’t say much. He’s from Tallahassee and loves the Seminoles. I don’t understand either Tallahassee or sports of any kind, so I’m just gonna have to play it by ear with this guy.
Schoonie: He looks disturbingly like Shane Vendrell from The Shield. It’s the scary smile, I’m telling you. He killed Lem! With a grenade! Watch out, houseguests! Also, I’m less concerned with the whole Florida/Seminoles thing and more with the Wearing An Idiotic Sweatband Around His Wrist thing. Is that this year’s mandana? I’m concerned.
We’re also both going to take a shot at guessing who the pairs of rivals are, and also which houseguest is “America’s Player”. Here goes nothing: SPOILER ALERT
Okay, so one of the pairs has already been spoiled for me, I’m not going to lie. If you don’t want to know, skip down to Flip’s guesses. Highlight if you want to read. It turns out that Evil Dick and Daniele are estranged father and daughter, apparently. So, that is some evil shit, right there. And I can’t wait to see what happens! Also, it explains why Daniele’s name is spelled wrong: he sold the other letter to pay for a shitty tattoo. Okay, and now the rest, which are all guesses. Because both girls are from Kansas (and because one wasn’t even in the video, indicating that she was probably a last minute addition), I’m going to guess that Carol and Jessica are rivals. Let’s go with, I don’t know, one stole the other’s boyfriend. Also, Joe and Dustin are both from Chicago, so they’ve gotta be rivals, too. And they’re also exes. I think that they’ve indicated that Amber is separated for a reason, that seems mighty specific, to me. Because she has a Wisconsin/Minnesota accent, I’m guessing that she’s separated from Eric, and they’ve dated since high school and are no longer speaking or something. My last guess would be that Jen used to date both Zach and Mike (or something), and that one stole her away from the other. Like, it’s a three way thing. It’s all speculation, but who knows, right? This means that Kail, Jameka, and Nick will have no rivals in the house, and also that Nick is “America’s Player”. We’ll see if I’m right. Flip?
Flipit: I am really pissed that you gave that spoiler away. I DON’T WANNA KNOW!!!! You are the statistics guy, so I won’t even try to understand what the hell you just typed, but I will guess that the gay guy (the gross one, not the nice one) knows either the Republican mom or the Tallahassee dude who’s all about sports. I will say that the Chenbot flubbed lots of lines off her cue cards during this segment. Someone call Les downstairs to oil this bitch up! It’s SUMMERTIME!!!
READERS, this year Big Brother has decided to become more interactive, letting viewers send texts to the housemates (Flipit’s already got his TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF TIGER! text written and waiting in his queue for the big dumb hottie). In addition, Showtime Too will be airing three hours of footage a night from inside the house. We will be accepting short, to the point and hilarious tidbits of the goings on After Hours from you and posting them as daily funnies, so get your snark on, ‘gasmii. It’s the BB Summer of ’08!