Big Brother: A Hundred Minutes of Your Life? Gone in an Hour

Tonight on Big Brother, Ronnie almost convinces us that he’s not a total moron and Katherine Heigl tries to convince us that she’s the next Sandra Bullock.

The Ugly Truth

Something weird always happens on Big Brother. People you figured you would hate become your favorites and people you root for turn into shit right before your very eyes. It’s like actually getting to know people! DEEPNESS. I only bring this up cuz Jugs? Is kinda my favorite right now. Do I wish she would wax her mustache? Yes. Do I wish she would drink some tea or something to yellow up those giant porcelains before they blind me? Yes. But I also now wish for Jugs to win. That will probably change in about five minutes, but let’s take a moment to enjoy the rare burst of positivity, k?

Jugs opens the hour with her reaction to being put on the block. She’s calm and rational about it, and admits that it’s her fault for believing in Ronnie. Jeff’s reaction to the news is calm, too. He has figured out that Ronnie is a double crossing (for no reason) reaht. “Touche’!” OMG he’s totally bilingual you guys. And you thought he was just a pretty meatsicle.

Paaaaahk la caaaaah dans Haaaavahd Yaahd, mon ami.

Ronnie is so delighted by his expression of power over pretty people that he kinda humps the key lazy susan as he goes to put it away.

Subtle.

Ronnie tells us that Jugs is the one he wants out but he wouldn’t mind back dooring Love Muscle. Now, does anyone think for a second he has the nutsack for that? No. No he does not. Speaking of nutsacks…

I’ve seen yours on the internet! Teeheeeeeeteeheeteheheheh

Jugs and Jordan go into the pain and misery room and sit on a raft. Jugs cries and says that it’s sad that she’s the only one smart enough to beat a mastermind like Ronnie. In other words, you’re a dumbshit and you need me on your side, so do something. Jordan cries. Hilarious. Only on this show would this guy be considered a mastermind.

Because this pic can’t be posted enough.

Laura thinks Ronnie is so smart cuz he’s a serious, serious gamer. Can he get to the quadruple banana level in Ms. Pac Man? Then he’s not serious. Ronnie’s a fucktard. Everybody just calm down already. The girls both cry. Poor Jugs.

If she didn’t have injections of the Bubonic Plague all over her face, she’d look like this:

Jugs and Jordan aren’t the only ones giving credit where it’s not due.

How does “twisting” things so that everyone in the house knows you’re an honor-less snake in the second week of the game make a person SMART?! HOW?!?! That’s like a bank robber getting arrested and then complimented on how much money he tried to steal. Who cares? HE GOT CAUGHT.

Ronnie comes in acting like everyone’s favorite aunt and gives a condescending hug to Jeff, who’s just like “ya gat me meahn. Ya gat me.” Yes, Ronnie does get you. Wait. You mean he played you? NO! I’m your favorite aunt! HUGS!

I have some gum in my purse and quarter if you sing me a song, young man!

Lydia skidattles and Ronnie “what? Me? Huh? Er…”s for awhile. He won’t leave while Jeff’s still mad, so he comes up beside him in front of the mirror and explains that he has an evil plan that he can’t talk about yet, cuz there aren’t nearly enough people in the room to hear it and he wouldn’t want to do something like not make people think he’s a total wish wash liar liar underoos on fire. When he makes a total ass of himself, he wants everyone in the room. Jeff basically tells him he can go suck it while cutting his own hair threateningly.

This is how the metrosexuals street fight.

Ronnie goes out onto the patio and tells Jugs that he only has her best interests at heart and it will all work out in the end and she’s grown so much look at those little cheeks! He says the plan is to backdoor someone and get the power swung back to their side. She knows he’s a lying fool, and she vows to us that she will give him a taste of his own medicine.

When he goes inside, Jugs talks to Jordan and DJ Not a Day Over 54 about what a liar he is. Casey lightens the mood by doing and impression of Chris Brown trying to appear sincere.

Sorry I hit choo baby. They filmin’ this?

He tries to come up with something intelligent to say. “Keep your friends…” Jugs helps him along with the rest of it. I think Jugs is the first person to properly quote Sun Tzu in reality television history. Meanwhile, Russell paces the hallway grabbing his muscle and staring at himself in the mirrors. He comes up with a plan. He is going to go outside his clique and somehow force everyone to like him. Try to get people on your side? What a clever plan! Constantly reminding yourself that you have a big penis is better than Ritalin. If I ever get arrested, someone please tell the judge that I was just trying to concentrate.

Think any harder and you’re gonna have to change your boxers.

How will he make people like him? Why, he’ll groom a permanent frown onto his face.

And he’ll make air quotes, which are not assholish at all. Bringing out the big guns!

He will also use the power of booze. He takes wine to the sad sack team outside and they tell him to ignore them or he’ll be in trouble. He says that he just wants to take a break from the game and just chill with everyone else for awhile. I would say no one is stupid enough to fall for this bs, but…

He kinda looks like Nancy Reagan, doesn’t he?

What the shizznet my nizzlet?

Ronnie knows they are all out there talking about him, so he goes and stands in front of the face wall and tries to look like he’s considering throwing every single one of them onto the street at any given moment. Cuz he’s smooth and knows how to subtly make people root for him.

Russell goes inside to get more booze and casually asks Michelle and Natalie if they’re still talking game. Lydia hears him from the other room and snaps that she’s just talking about something in her life that’s very personal and she doesn’t want to talk about it right now, OK?!?! Uh, aren’t you talking about it right now? Lydia’s an idiot. Russell agrees, and marches in there to spout venomous roid rage all over the place, telling her it’s not all about her. Yes, he’s a psycho, but I had to applaud that one. I just hope if I ever rear end someone in traffic, it’s not Russell. At home, yes. On the road, no.

Lydia takes his “not all about you” comment to heart, and goes to the hallway to make it all about her. Then she goes into the diary room to make it all about her. She just snapped at him rudely, why does he have to take offense? Russell’s so insensitive!!

I could have made it look like he has a black eye! WAAAAHHHH!!

Russell goes back outside, having proven himself to his new friends. Nat finds Jessie eating a giant plate of spaghetti and tells him they need to get rid of Russell before he explodes. Jessie disagrees. You know, cuz they’re in the winning alliance at the moment. This cast makes Jessie look smart. They need to all be steralized. He just wants to stick with the plan. Sure Russell could kill them all in their sleep, but it just means he will get voted out before Jessie. Of course he will. Rabid violent psychos can’t win!

Russell and his penis are very confident that he just made a really good move.

Now our own side hates us too. Score! Let’s shake.

No one really feels like hanging out with Aunt Ronnie, so he’s available for Lydia to have another crying session that’s not all about her.

He only beats you cuz he loves you, hon. Now who wants a cookie?

After Ronnie leaks his creepy condescension all over her he starts to walk away like “my job here is done!” Not so fast, Auntie. Lydia keeps crying and whining that Russell’s not the boss of her and she wants to backdoor his ass. Ronnie tries not to start laughing evilly. You know, cuz this was his plan all along! I just face palm and resist the urge to cut myself tinily somewhere no one can see. Kevin comes in and Lydia asks him how different the house would be without Russell. “Calmer.” She nods her head in favor of that. Yay! A promise to up the boring quotient.

The editors warn us where we’re about to go.

Jordan and Jeff lounge around in bed trying to resist the urge to rub boogars on each other. They ponder Sotomayor’s chances of being confirmed to the Supreme Court and the ramifications of the vote. Kidding! Jordan talks about how she doesn’t know how to tell time. Seriously. If someone tells her it’s a quarter to eight, she asks someone else until they tell her “something else. Like 8:25.” Wow. It gets better. As the theme from Sesame Street plays in the background, Jeff starts trying to teach her math, but she insists that quarters of an hour are twenty five minutes and thinks that 60 divided by 4 is 25. He covers up his boner with a pillow.

Movie time for Chia and DJ Midlife Crisis! Even though he won lots of candy and wine and the jealousy of all the other HG’s, Casey’s pissed that he has to spend an entire two hours with “the Wicked Witch of the West.” Hey! Don’t diss Katherine Heigl! This is a promo segment! If I were there, I’d turn that couch around to stare at a wall and binge on candy until someone made me stop. Like I do when Grey’s Anatomy’s on. We get to see some of this movie, and ouch. It’s hard to watch. Even harder to watch than what’s going down at the pool.

Shift your left sack over so it’s not sticking out of your skin before I hurl, k? You’re ruining my non enjoyment of the Heigl mess.

Jeff tells Jordan he wishes they were watching that movie together. That’s a target audience if I’ve ever seen one. Upstairs, the movie blows, presumably, and Chia makes the best of the situation.

You know her suitcase is full of tiny Motel 6 shampoo bottles.

Time to pick players for the veto comp. Ronnie picks Russell’s name first. Russell laughs dickishly and grabs his wiener. Cuz he spelled shotgun one time which means he’s gonna win this whole game. Jugs picks Natalie, and Jeff picks Casey. The backyard is set up with one of those Coinstar machines they have at grocery stores and piles of change. So we’re plugging coin star machines now? I thought the shameless promotion couldn’t get worse than a romantic comedy starring Heigl. Uhoh. Quarters. This is a good one for Jordan to miss. She has a look of confused horror on her face even seeing them.

Jugs is worried cuz she’s not too good at counting. Darn. Maybe next time it’ll be a World History quiz. The challenge is to count change. Whoever wins a round gets to choose prizes out of bags, but if they keep them they’re out. Ah, the greed game! Anyone missing Dustin right now? Me neither. First round, they have to count out a hundred bucks in quarters. Everyone comes up with crazy strategies to win. Not one thinks to COUNT.

Jeff, shockingly, is the only one that comes close. He’s only off by like twelve bucks. Just to give you a good idea of how things went for everyone else, Natalie was four hundred dollars off. LOL. Ronnie was five hundred off. Michelle is convinced he threw it, but Ronnie insists that he used to be a manager at a movie theater and had to count money so he’s embarrassed. About the counting part, not the theater manager part. How else was he supposed to watch Lord of the Rings nine hundred times for free?

I can hear Schoonie screaming from across the country right now.

Jeff, obviously, turns the prize down and stays in the game. Next, they have to get seventy five bucks in dimes. Jeff is only about five dollars off on this one, making him the winner again. Jugs was off two hundred dollars. LOL. Don’t feel bad! Only a couple thousand coins. Casey is shocked too, saying Jeff is like the Rain Man of coin counting, which would have been funny back when he was really forty.

Jugs is out. Natalie wins the next one, beating Jeff by two dollars. Lucky. Natalie is very smart about one thing. She knows she’s not very smart. So she decides to drop out of the challenge and chooses a bag. She gets a slop pass. Jeff and Russell are the only two standing. Battle of the brains. Jeff wins. Nice. Russell gets so mad that he verbally abuses his wiener.

I’m not grabbing you til after commercial break, you stupid fuck!

Ronnie tells us that it may be the best time to backdoor Russell. He gathers Kevin, Lydia and Chia and basically makes them promise to protect him when Russell loses his shit. Jugs comes up to the HOH suite to beg, and Ronnie, in his DORK shirt, blabs his plan to her and promises her his vote in return for his safety next week if she wins HOH. Which she won’t, unless the challenge is not waxing your mustache and buying teeth two sizes too big.

Nat comes up to the suite and agrees that Russell needs to go. She goes to get Jessie. Jessie whips out his particular brand of English to defend his friend, but no one understands what he’s saying so they just ignore him. Ronnie is conflicted cuz he doesn’t know whether Russell is his friend or not. HA. Don’t worry, you just told his boyfriend about wanting to backdoor him. I’m sure Jessie won’t say anything and Russell won’t openly fantasize about killing your family. Idiot. And it’s all for nothing, cuz there is no way in hell Ronnie is gonna grow the stones to confront Russell. EVER.

Just in case you were wondering, Ellen DeGeneres cares about how she looks. That’s why she uses Oil of Olay and football stadium lights every time she has to go on TV.

4. Rat poison and birth control

Jeff comes in to blankly stare at the wall for awhile and Russell tells us “the shotgun can’t trust anyone.” OK so he spelled a word right one time so that’s his name now? LOL. Jeff, of course, takes himself off the block, and Ronnie apologizes to the room and then puts up…JORDAN! I TOLD YOU!!! HAHAHAHAHAH.

WHAT.

A.

WUSS!!

Man I hope Jessie told Russell that Ronnie was considering gunning for him. We might get to see a smackdown after all. What do you guys think? Is Ronnie the worst player we’ve seen in a long time or does he really have some master plan that I’m not seeing? As if sensing that I’m questioning, Ronnie pops up on the screen to tell us that he found quarters in his ass cheeks that he didn’t know were there.

Thanks. That question was eating me up.

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