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Tonight on Big Brother: Kevin puts his hand in a hole and Jeff stuffs dollar bills in his underwear. It’s not what you think.
It’s much, much worse.
This season they’ve been poking fun of various Houseguests before the credits, and this week does not disappoint: right before the graphics we get treated to Ratalie screaming her head off in fear of the dragonfly.
The Camel Toe Of Terror!
We go to color and the little helpful box tells us it’s Day 55 inside the house. Speaking of color:
Someone’s getting fashion cues from Meshach Taylor circa 1987.
Kevin and Ratalie promise Jeff he’s safe, then Natalie turns right around and tells us she wants Jeff out. Michele sees herself as the lone wolf. Russell may be gone from the house, but his metaphors live on.
Sappy acoustic music plays as Dumb and Dumber discuss the latest events. “I let you down,” says Jordan, and Jeff is passive-aggressively not disagreeing with her. “I’m a winner, and winners win. You gotta prove yourself. Now’s my time.” Jeff then explains that he was born in a small town, and when the rain would fall down, he would look out his window, planning to break away, take a midnight train going anywhere, spread his wings and move to LA where dreams always come true. Jeff has apparently decided to try writing an American Idol hit song next. While he’s dreaming, he tells Jordan she can certainly try and win the veto herself if she wants.
Livin’ On A Prayer
Meanwhile, Kevin enters his HOH room and sees the long-awaited door with a question mark on it. The HOH TV tells him that if he wants to “release” $10,000, he has to put his hand in a hole. Well, they definitely picked the right Houseguest to do this. “It’s too easy,” says Kevin. “$10K to stick my hand in a hole?” Hey Kevin, at least make me work for it a little. He finally decides to open the door, and I hope there’s a toilet behind it because he’s dancing around like he has to go potty real bad. Inside is a big not-at-all-ominous-looking box with a hole. Big enough to hide a Houseguest, even. Well, a short one anyway. He shoves his hand up in there and squeals like a stuck pig.
Cappy? Is that you in there?
Before we can see what’s going on, there’s a commercial break.
You know it’s bad when you’re jonesing for some Amazing Race to make you feel smart.
When we return, Kevin is indeed stuck in the box like Pooh in the honey jar, and a TV next to the box shows the back yard, where $1 bills have started raining down on the other Houseguests. Outside, Jordan says her dad always told her money didn’t fall from on trees. “And now I got money fallin’ from the sky. Dad, you were very wrong.” Jeff is meanwhile stuffing bills into any available crevice. “I know where the phrase comes ‘dirty money’ now.”
And I have a sudden urge to soak my wallet in a vat of Purel.
Kevin is helpless and is forced to watch all the idiots on the TV chasing money. I guess now he knows how we all feel. The screen and tells him that the key to release him is hidden somewhere in the house. So he has to wait for someone to leave the money and go find the key for him. Good luck with that, because it’s all about the Washingtons out there. Eventually Ratalie wanders up. She says she’ll find the key for him… and goes right back out to the back yard to pick up some more loot. HAHAHAHA. Kevin sees this on the screen, and thinks that if it was Jessie bent over stuck in the box, Ratalie would totally drop the money and come running to help. Aaaaand picturing Kevin picturing Jessie bent over isn’t doing anything for me. Next!
Next. Jeff drops by to see how it’s hanging. Kevin decides to make something up, and Jeff believes everything Kevin says, so he tells Jeff that they have to find the key if they want to keep the money. Jeff goes looking for it… and finds it stuck under a couch pillow in about three seconds. LAME. Couldn’t they hide it somewhere hard? But apparently, Kevin apparently forgot to tell Jeff what to do with the key after he found it, so Jeff just sticks it in his bucket of money and goes back out to get more cash. Jordan is stuffing them into her bra, as if there’s any room to spare in there.
Is that what you paid for them? Explains a lot.
Ratalie comes BACK up to ask Kevin what the deal really is with the key. “What are you not telling me, Kevin?” Ha, he really is a terrible liar. He says he needs her to steal the key from Jeff and let him out, so they can all keep the money. Off goes Ratalie on her secret mission. You know, she reminds me of someone…
I did NOT just compare Kevin to Jack Bauer.
Rather than up and steal the key from Jeff, Ratalie convinces him to bring the key up and use it to let Kevin out. Kevin scoots outside and manages to collect a grand total of $626. Hey, it’s enough to buy a whole new mismatched wardrobe at Goodwill!
So, that was the big HOH twist they’ve been plugging all week? I bet they concocted that little game just to kill time because they knew they’d be short on footage this week. All the psychos are gone, and what we have left is a house full of mild-mannered dimwits. Drop some money on them, see if you can stir something up. No such luck though. Kevin is talking about how he can’t trust Ratalie anymore, but I’m not buying it.
But enough desperate filler. It’s time for the veto competition!
So yeah. Everyone puts on shiny Mylar spacesuity-looking getups and goes out to the back one at a time. Kevin goes first. I think you know what’s coming. Sure enough, it’s the face-morphing competition, dressed up in an outer-space theme, because there are a few rocks scattered around the yard and something that looks like a flying saucer. Kevin says “I felt like I got transported to THA MEWN. I mean the back yard was like ANOTHER PLANET!” If he gets this tweaked by a couple of big rocks and some tinfoil, imagine what he’d do at Disney! But like I said, it’s just the face-morphing game, except each face is also mashed up with Shrek. Oh, and as a completely random bonus, the veto winner gets a new Sony home theater system! Let’s get this over with! The lineup:
Kurt Russell + Jon Gosselin
Jennifer Love Hewitt before puberty
Jeff + Jordan
Miss Potato Nose
This next one will haunt your dreams:
The Green Goblin
(The giant teeth clue Kevin in that this one is Jessie + Laura.)
I got nothing. Umm… Jeff Probst?
Kevin seems to get the faces pretty quickly, only messing up once or twice, but you never know how long it really took. Ratalie goes next, and I fully expect her to loaf and leave the work to Kevin like she did in the HOH competition, but it looks like she finished in good time too.
Next is Jordan. She notes that “it was kinda harder because it was an alien face.” Was she trying to figure out which Houseguest had green skin and bobbly antennae?
I guess maybe I can see that.
She also thinks that she and Jeff “made a cute alien”.
When Jordan’s done, she inexplicably starts to strip off her spacesuit, and the music people were totally asleep at the switch here.
Where’s the sax solo?
Michele goes next, and seems to get through pretty quickly as well. Jeff stumbles on the one of him and Jordan. He gets Jordan’s face but “couldn’t get a grip on” well, himself, I guess. He also has trouble with the Jessie/Laura one but finally remembers Laura’s “giant horse teeth”. LOL.
As if we could forget anything giant about Laura.
Without further ado, here are the results! Jordan’s last at over 5 minutes. Kevin, Jeff and Ratalie were all right around 3 minutes. Michele wins with 1:52, more than a minute faster than Ratalie. She apologizes to Jeff for winning, which seems kind of silly, especially since Jeff cold tells her to get away from him. He complains in the DR that Jordan’s not being much help, but refuses to take out his frustration on her. Especially since he just took it out on Michele, who won fair and square. Don’t look now, bro, but your stock is tanking. Jeff continues to pout and get hammered in the shallow end. Meanwhilz, Kevin and Ratalie look ahead to getting out Michele next week. Kevin complains that Ratalie is not pulling her own weight. He and Jeff should totally compare notes and form their own alliance of non-slackers. Bros before hos and all that.
Out back, Jordan leaves Jeff to sulk some more and he asks her to leave her wine behind so he can drink it. Jordan says no.
Michele says she’ll fight for Jeff, apparently having forgiven him his little post-competition outburst. He’s like that’s sweet and all, but there’s nothing you can do, and she says she’ll try and talk Kevin into voting out Jordan instead. Jeff is fine with this, because somebody has to be a douche now that Jessie and Russell are gone. What’s that squeaky noise? Did Jordan spring a leak? Nope, that’s just the sound her voice makes when she’s crying. Jordan calls Jeff her BFF and offers to campaign for him and against herself. “I don’t care if you throw me under the bus,” she says, which makes two of them.
Great, one should be along any minute now.
Michele, as promised, tries to talk Kevin into keeping Jeff. She makes a lot of good points, like how Ratalie has a lot of friends on the jury, and Jeff will do the dirty work of taking her out if he stays. Kevin is wishy-washy as usual. If there’s one thing this season’s Houseguests have down pat, it’s avoiding commitment.
Time for the veto meeting!
There are no speeches this week, thank God. Michele simply says she’s taking herself off the block, and Kevin of course puts Jordan up there. The reaction interviews are as expected, except for this gem from Kevin: “Historically, us gay Houseguests haven’t made the best decisions.”
And on that note, the moody low-key exit music plays. And another Big Brother is in the can. It’s getting down to the wire, folks! If Michele votes for Jordan Thursday (which is far from a given), I’m pretty sure Kevin will do the non-gutsy thing and send Jeff home, but what do you guys think?
Only one thing bothers me: what did they do with all those dollar bills?