Big Brother: Amber Waves of THANK JEEBUS, FINALLY

Tonight, on Big Brother, dreams come true. My dreams. Amber’s will be coming true at a later date. Julie Chen is looking totally awesome in her neon orange hot pants, like she just stepped out of a Duran Duran video. Watch in awe as Julie Chen hides from aloof Englishmen on yachts while leaving mysterious paint trails all over Brazil!

Her name is Chenbot and she dances on the sand

Julie tells us all about how Eric and Jessica have been making out like…two people who have nothing better to do all over the house, while Dick and Daniele have “reopened old wounds” and grown farther apart. Considering that Dick and Daniele have caused me to reopen my arteries every time either one of them appears onscreen, this seems somehow poetic. Julie also tells us that nonetheless, the four of them have remained true to their alliance, which has “a secret fifth member”, apparently. And that secret fifth member? Is us! Congratulations, America, you are in an alliance with Dick! Great! Now we can all finally say that we have something in common with former members of Quiet Riot.

As Julie tells us all about how Eric is at our beck and call after we demanded that he get Amber nominated (good call!), Eric appears onscreen live from the living room, where he is doing…something. Whatever it is, it’s causing Daniele to laugh her ass off, which makes me absolutely positive that he’s doing an impression of Nick’s hair.

Seriously, what the hell is he doing? I am mesmerized, for some reason. I do love that Julie has no idea that Eric’s putting on an elaborate pantomime of The Wedding Date while she blathers on about random crap. Robots: deadly aim with semi-automatic weapons, but absolutely no peripheral vision.

As we color in on Eric deciding not to use the veto, Amber tells us that this must mean that Eric is here only for himself. Because Amber is here to help someone else win, obviously. That’s why she keeps crying at random intervals and asking God to watch over Zach all the time. God Bless You, Zach. And God Bless You…God.

Jessica is up in the HOH after the veto ceremony, and she’s about to cry. Eric asks her what’s wrong, and she expresses some remorse over the fact that she put up two people who had nothing against her, when she could have put up Dick and Daniele and gotten a major player out of the way. And then she starts crying. Aww! Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the first actual, genuine tears of this season. Eric, instead of giving her a hug like he should (and to score some points), he keeps his eye on the AP ball and basically tells Jess that Amber doesn’t really like her, which is true, and also that Jess doesn’t really like Amber either, and Jess is like, “No, I don’t.” and immediately stops crying, because she is the terminator.

The doorbell rings and Amber comes in. She says the following: “I just want to tell you that I really want to be here, and…(hysterics).”

Compound sentences are so hard!

She immediately apologizes for crying, and Eric’s clearly had enough, and he rolls his eyes like, “It’s alright, do continue with this tired old shit, you batshit crazy troll.” She tells them that she thinks that “the good people” should be the ones to win. Obviously, this category includes her, and therefore, that is why she should stay. I have a theory that states that Amber is Miss Teen South Carolina 1987.

Out in the backyard, Dick pompously tells Zach that he is staying, because Dick believes that he is in control of the game. Zach tries to tell Dick that he wants to go to the final three with Daniele and Dick, because…and then he can’t think of a way to finish it. Man, those compound sentences are killing the houseguests tonight! So he comes up with, “because..at least I’ll win 50,000 dollars, right?” which…if you come in second, you’re going to win that much with anyone else as a final two partner. Taking Dick or Daniele does not increase the amount. Nice argument there, Bunnicula.

Dick tells Zach that the only way he’s going to go is if Dick found out that Zach flipped on him and offered him up. Flashback to Zach offering Dick up to Eric. Hasn’t everyone done that to everyone else by now? And what, now Dick controls every vote? I see that he could maybe force a tie with his vote and Daniele’s, but Jess and Eric still have the power. Also, this would be Dick making a side deal, something that he was bitching about Jess and Eric doing last episode. Oh man, he needs to get off my tv, NOW. But not before Amber. I think her tears are ruining my picture tube.

Up in the HoH, Jameka and Amber are lounging around on Jessica’s bed. I don’t know about you guys, but if I were HoH I wouldn’t want Amber to have access to my linens like that. Amber tells Jess that if she thinks about it, it’s like Eric has been HOH this whole week, because what he’s wanted to happen has totally happened. Oh my God Bless You, she’s right! It’s like Jess and Eric have been working together to come to a consensus about things on equal footing, and then implementing that decision in an efficient and expedient manner! What’s the word for that again? Alleyeanze?

Then Jess is like, “That’s so nuts!” playing along like she hasn’t helped to make the decisions this week. Then Jameka gives us this gem: “He thinks he can persuade you into not using the veto!” Um, Jameka? Eric won the veto. Not Jessica.

Then Amber says that Eric is going to keep throwing HoH because he doesn’t want Jessica to see pictures of his girlfriend. That’s a dumb argument; you can’t criticize someone for playing too strategically, and then say that same person is going to throw a competition because it will make things uncomfortable. Amber tries to convince Jess that she’s being played for an Erika, but you can tell that Jess is just going along with it to get Amber the hell off of her sheets before she gets vocabulary all over them. Also: no amount of convincing is going to make Jessica think Eric is some manipulative Casanova, because she knows better than anyone that he’s, like, the Ryan Leaf of flirting.

So smooth

Eric comes upstairs and summons Jessica for a game of quarters, and Amber is all, “Um, we were talking about my boyfriend. That’s it, my boyfriend! Yeah!”. Eric’s face is like, “Whatever, I’m really bored with you. Jess, let’s go get drunk.” I’m not the biggest fan of Eric, but I do love that he has completely dismissed Amber at this point. After they leave, Jameka and Amber discuss the importance of getting Daniele’s vote. Amber goes into the bedroom and starts harassing the shit out of Daniele, reminding her that she promised Daniele that she wouldn’t put her up if she won HoH. She does not remind Daniele that she also promised her all her lunch money and half of her pudding dessert cup during that same conversation.

Eric goes in to get his America’s Choice task, which is unsurprisingly to get Amber evicted. Later, he confronts Jess about Amber’s “boyfriend” lie, and Jess spills the beans on Amber and The Case of The Mystery Girlfriend (coming soon to the children’s section of a bookstore near you!). Jess is obviously a little insecure about the girlfriend thing, which says two things: 1) she probably legitimately likes Eric, and 2) she also probably watched last season.

So Eric is pissed that Amber stuck her nose into his personal business (which is not really personal business, when the person you’re romantically involved with is also your primary alliance member), and he talks Jess down from the ledge (the ledge being “making me have to watch Amber for another week”), by correctly reminding her that Amber has no place making value judgments on other people the way she walks around all self-righteous. Jess is placated for now, but you can tell that it is no longer America’s Choice for Eric and that he’s legitimately pissed and wants her out. And that makes it even funnier, because now instead of just being tired of her, he’s legitimately mad at her for being so presumptuous. Which is great, because in this moment he’s not just some puppet the Chenbots have designated for us, he’s actually America personified. Like, if you look closely you can see certain parts of Delaware in his eyebrows.

But enough of Amber! Dick, Eric, and Jess compare notes on Zach and discover that he’s been feeding them all separate stories about what he wants to do, which makes me think that they might be doing a really good job of covering up this alliance. If you think about it, they’re rarely all four in the same room, and they never really spend time together like most alliances do. This is either a really good thing or a really bad thing for their deal, and we’ll see which one it is later, I guess.

Julie tells us that later, we’ll be hearing from Jameka’s family, who will be sharing something with us that Jameka does not know yet. Also, we’ll be meeting Eric’s friends and family, to find out, according to Julie, “whether America’s Player is actually America’s Playa“. She is so proud of herself for that. Ebonics language chip successfully installed!

Back from commercial, it’s time to talk to the houseguests. After Julie asks Jessica a question about the naked luxury comp, she puts Daniele on the spot about her missed chance to see Nick. Dude, she lost to Amber in a battle of wits. People have died for less.

Poor pretzels. They didn’t even know what was coming.

Daniele responds to the question with a bunch of dumb inside jokes and her big fake cheesy smile, which she clearly thinks that we are going to find endearing. She tells Julie that there’s a lot that she could say, but that the really stupid inside joke says it for her. Do you mean that it’s something that only the two of you understand or find to be entertaining in any way? Because I’d say that about covers it.

Julie asks Amber about her crushing Power of 10 loss the other night, clearly trying to get her to start crying. Amber, shockingly, doesn’t take the bait and tells Julie that she pretty much had to go for it (true), and that she learned a lot from it. Like what “scrutinize” means. That’s worth 10,000 dollars, right?

Dick is the lucky recipient of a question from the audience! Julie shows us a clip package of Dick spitting all over the backyard, which is absolutely disgusting. So I guess I can add “because I always have to wear flip-flops when I’m around him” to the already long List of Reasons Why Dick is a Lot Like My Freshman Year Dormitory.

I bet it burns when they hit someone’s skin.

Julie tells us that we’re going to be meeting Jameka’s church and family. In the church, Jameka’s pastor (who seems like a pretty down-to-earth and cool guy, save for his amazing moustache) gives her a shout-out and everybody claps for her. Jameka’s older sister tells us that she’s a really good person, but when you cross her, the fiery side comes out. We get flashbacks to Dick and Jameka’s “your mama” fight after Kail’s eviction and all of the other encounters the two have had over the course of the summer. We get some previously unseen footage of Jameka praying for Dick and his family in a completely selfless manner, which is nice. That’s the thing: whereas Amber’s faith always seems self-centered and show-offy, Jameka’s has always seemed very earnest and genuine, even if she can be a little dramatic at times. There’s nothing wrong with having the faith in God that Jameka has; she mostly tries to keep it to herself or by herself, doesn’t judge others unless they start in on her first, and is just generally a very open-minded person. On the other hand, there is something wrong with having the type of faith that Amber has, which uses God as a tool for personal gain, and a means by which to judge others openly in order to make Amber feel superior. They’re sort of opposite ends of the spectrum, in that way. In short, that’s pretty much what I think this entire segment is about: the fact that Amber sucks.

Now it’s time to visit with Eric’s family and friends one more time. Hey, there’s Eric’s brother, commenter SenorX27! Howdy! He thinks that by aligning with Dick and Daniele, Eric and Jessica have hopefully gotten themselves to the final four. Eric’s brothers explain that he thought it was a bad idea strategically to get into a romantic alliance (I’m assuming because of the Mike/Erika thing), so the fact that he’s done it anyway means that he must really like her. His brothers also tell us that he was talking to his on again/off again girlfriend of four years (!) right before he came into the house, but that she was not interested in getting back together.

Then we meet his ex, Cheryl, who is actually sort of cute. The music, however, has decided that she is evil. Senor tells us that if there’s one thing Eric’s been honest about, it’s the girlfriend thing. Cheryl says that it’s impossible not to be jealous of his relationship with Jessica, even though they’re not dating at the moment. Even she tells us that she thinks his feelings for Jessica are genuine. We kinda knew that already, though: no one who is playing a girl to win the game would do the exceedingly dorky things that he’s done on television.

Exhibit A

During Jessica’s HOH interview, Julie asks her why she thought it took him so damn long to kiss her. Nothing like a little girl-talk! Now Julie can robo-braid your hair while you guys eat cookie dough and watch Beverly Hills: 90210 reruns together. Let’s call Les Moonves and then once he picks up the phone, we’ll hang up and giggle!

Julie also asks her about being in the final four with Eric, Dick and Daniele, and who she thinks will go home first at that point. Jess is very noncommittal, which is interesting, and she basically says that she doesn’t care who it is as long as it isn’t her. Way to keep your eye on the ball.

Time to hear the houseguests final plea to stay. Zach makes a bunch of douche-y Alice in Wonderland references which are not worth repeating, and then Amber uses her time to whip up a giant lemon meringue pie for everybody. Just kidding, she cries!

Jameka is the first to vote, and she keeps Amber around and votes to evict Zach, of course. Julie tells us that 78% of us wanted Amber to get the hell off of our TVs (really? That’s it?), so Eric’s vote is for Amber. Julie takes the time to give us an update on Eric’s AP Task Completion, and the official count is that he’s done 17 out of 24 tasks, which means he’s got 30,000 dollars so far. That’s actually fairly impressive, especially considering all of the votes and nominations he’s had to orchestrate. Dick is next, and he votes to evict Amber. This is when I start to get excited. Could it possibly happen? Am I dreaming?

Then Daniele comes in and casts the vote to evict Amber, and for a brief, shining moment, she is my savior. Then she gets up and I see Nick’s bandana on her wrist, and I hate her again. But man, this is going to be awesome.

Back from commercial, Julie breaks the news that the houseguests, and by proxy, Jesus, have all decided to evict Amber. (God: “Serves you right. Next time, don’t tell me to go bless myself, crazy.”) Amber, of course, hugs everyone eight million times and won’t leave like that one girl from summer camp that no one really liked but everyone was nice to anyway, and so now she think’s you are her best friend and promises to write you and you just want her to go away. Amber’s parting words: “You guys, my steak is in the bottom shelf, anyone can have it, kay?” Wow, that is deep. And oddly appropriate. (God again, from the back of the room: “Dibs.”)

Amber exits the house and most definitely shows Julie some crack when she puts her bag down. Classy! Then she shakes Julie’s hand and tells her that she’s beautiful. “You could totally be on America’s Next Top Robot.” Julie’s blushing program does not initiate.

After Amber gets mic’ed up, Julie asks her why she thinks she got evicted. Of course, Amber gives us the same shit about how she’s the nicest person and no one wanted to be sitting next to her in the final two. It should be noted that Julie is sitting really, really far away from Amber, probably because she is likely to rust should she come into contact with Amber’s skin. Amber blames Eric the most for her eviction, and thinks that he had a lot to do with it. So, that’s two out of a possible three jury members that blame Eric for their eviction, and the other one thinks he’s a tool for heckling her on the way out the door. Not looking good for a victory, there. She says Eric’s been playing both sides, acting like he’s with Dick and Daniele and also acting like he’s with the other side, which Amber perceived to be herself, Jameka and Jess. Why she thinks Jess was on her side when she nominated her and not Dick or Daniele is beyond me, but whatever. What’s logic?

Julie asks Amber how she determines who “the good people” were, and Amber totally kills any argument she had by stating that she bases it on whether people are going around making deals and lying or whether they’re honest or not. (Me, in my head: “Please, God, show a clip package of Amber contradicting herself and doing all of these things repeatedly. God Bless You, Amen.”) But it does not materialize, sadly. Julie asks her if she thinks that God decided that he didn’t want her to win. Amber tells Julie that she thinks that even though she didn’t win, she feels like there’s something in it for her. She continues, “whether it’s me to be an inspirational speaker, go to nursing school, something”. Step one to becoming an “inspirational speaker”. First, you have to become a speaker of the English language, which means you have to conjugate verbs, there, “me to be”.

Me tell inspirational story! One time, Jesus ate-d my steak!

Amber’s goodbye videos are full of moralistic nonsense, which she eats whole, of course. Julie bids Amber (who has been handed a tissue by members of the production staff, and now that she’s out of the house, go buy stock in Kleenex NOW) good day, and ships her off to the jury house, which we apparently aren’t going to get to see today. Sad!

But, time for the HoH competition. Julie sends everyone out to the backyard for the HoH competition. Only four people are competing this week since Jameka gave up her right and Jess is outgoing HoH, and two of them are Dick and Daniele, which makes me sad. There are four lanes lined up with a big vat of “tea” on one end and a fishbowl with a silver ball in it on the other end. The houseguests have to transfer the tea with these little teacups, so this competition is going to last awhile. Turns out that the lanes have also been greased with something to make the houseguests slip all over the place. Before we leave the house for the night, Zach slides across the lane, Risky Business style, which is the right way to do it, of course, especially if you want a hot prostitute to come stay at your house. Julie tells us that it will take about 683 trips back and forth to fill the bowl, which means the houseguests will be walking roughly seven miles before this is all over with.

Julie takes some time to Probst the houseguests and harass them while they’re trying to compete before the teapots start spewing liquid everywhere to make the course more slippery. Not to be mean, but what I would not have given to watch Amber do this. I mean, I’m still glad she’s gone, but man. Julie tells us to tune in Sunday to see who wins, and that Tuesday, the veto competition will be hosted by Janelle! That’s a recap jackpot for me, right there. Then, next Thursday TWO houseguests will be leaving, meaning we’re going to be down to a final four. Man, recap jackpot for Flipit, too! Exciting stuff coming up!

And on a side note, don’t you feel bad for Jen, stuck in that sequester house with Dustin and Amber right now?