Big Brother: And The Hamsters Rejoice

Julie Chen is totally rocking a pink sweatsuit tonight, which is how you can tell that she just got off a flight from New York, or has just returned from robot jazzercise class. After she copies and pastes the previouslies for us, we see Ryan nominate Sheila and Sharon yet again, making that the third time we have seen and/or heard about this event in the last seven minutes. It’s like Julie Chen is George Bush and this nomination ceremony is September 11th.Sheila cries after the ceremony, of course. She thinks Ryan’s speech was ‘lame’ as if Sheila herself did not make a lame speech last week/will make one before this hour is over. All hail Sheila, a great orator the likes of which has not been seen since Julius Caesar. Sharon tells us that she’s now been nominated 5 times in a row, which makes her a hell of a pawn. She also says that she was nominated because now is an inappropriate time for everyone to find out she’s working with Ryan. Wait, if not now, when? There are three people left, and two of them have been working together since the beginning. I don’t think you’re somehow going to endanger yourself by revealing your Alliance of the Really Effing Boring at this point.

So, Sheila cries. And cries. And cries! Amber sits at home like “Jesus, she is pathetic.” Sharon tells Sheila that if she wins POV, she’ll take Sheila off. Really, Sharon? I guess it’s never too late to get your Marcellas on. And then stupid Ryan has to come in and comfort her, because everything is all about Sheila and she can’t believe she’s nominated, when 50% of the remaining people have to be nominated and she can’t win a competition to save her life. Over her!

So, Ryan and Adam plot and scheme to get Sheila out because of her tirade. I’m not sure which one they’re talking about, and this scene could literally have been cut in at any point during the season. Ryan tells us that he’s pretty sure that he’s going to go to the final two if he keeps both Adam and Sharon around. After Sheila finishes crying, she goes and guilt trips Adam repeatedly, telling him that he has to vote for her to stay because they’ve been so loyal to each other. While she does it? She cries. I know. Adam, who just got through telling Ryan that Sheila needs to be evicted, tells her that he’ll take care of her. Wait, when did Adam decide to start playing?

Sheila then calls Adam spineless, which is hilarious in its irony considering that Adam is playing the shit out of everyone left in the game at this point while Sheila sheds a fishtank full of tears. She’s all mad that he wants everyone to like him. Isn’t that the idea, to snake the shit out of everyone while making sure that they like you? That’s…how you win.

And now Adam and Sheila get called to the DR, where they are shackled together for losing the luxury competition from that last episode. She bitches a bunch about having to be chained to him, but if you think about it, this whole thing probably saved her ass. As Sheila bitches and bitches about being chained to Adam and gets all drama queeny about everything, Adam slowly beings fucking with her, which is awesome. He wraps her up in the chains that hold them together, keep her just out of reach of the cabinet where she’s trying to get a class, and for the coup de gras, he takes his pants off and changes in front of her. So, I think I want Adam to win now, because this is pretty much exactly what I would do to her. Also because I feel like I’ve been chained to Sheila for, oh…three months now?

Since Adam and Sheila have to sleep in the same bed together as a result of their punishment, Sharon takes the opportunity to sneak upstairs and plot with Ryan. Sharon quite correctly warns Ryan that they have to work together, because Sheila and Adam are going to take each other to the end and if Sharon goes home, Ryan is probably next. A valid point by Sharon, I must say. Ryan, in response: (blank stare)

After Adam and Sheila are removed from their shackles, it’s time for the veto competition. Like all final four veto competitions, this one involves remembering random facts about the former houseguests. This time, you put the appropriate houseguest’s head on a jockey’s body and then match some facts up to them. The first person to get all the way through the jury wins the veto. People begin placing random facts and whatnot. Ryan gets a huge lead and absolutely smokes everyone, because that would be the most boring outcome possible, and Ryan is all about boring. He tells us that it feels good to be a “power hoarder” but it sounds an awful lot like “power whore”. He might seriously be the most boring person ever to be cast on this show, and I firmly believe that if the whole secret girlfriend thing had not occurred, he would never have gotten into the house. Seriously, think of three adjectives right now to describe Ryan that mean three different things, do not involve his appearance and are not a synonym for ‘boring’ or ‘kind of dumb’. If you can do that for me, I will come to your house and mop and shit, I am serious. I really, really don’t want him to win, which means that he will of course be the last person standing. Anyway, Ryan tells us all about how he now has complete control over who goes home, which could not be more wrong, of course.

After the break, Julie explains to us how the veto works one more time, in case you are coming to this show late. Yeah, I’m totally sure most of America is like “Man, screw American Idol. I am riveted by Ryan and Sharon!” Back in the house, Adam tells Ryan that he will get rid of whomever Ryan wants. Ryan then begins to vaguely and not so vaguely threaten Adam, telling him that he could have him evicted if he so chooses. All hail Ryan! He has…the power to decide, um, who decides! Bow before his (almost) absolute power!

Adam then follows Sharon into the bathroom (yeah, I know). He tells her that if she promises him she’ll take him to the finals, he’ll keep her in the house. He must think that he has a better shot at beating Sharon than beating Sheila, although I do not understand how he could have possibly come to that conclusion. The more likely reason is that he’s just sick of being around Sheila. Sharon balks at the offer, telling Adam that they’re not even sure what Ryan is going to do yet so why the hell would they even talk about this? Adam, because he might actually be smarter than people think, figures out that this means Sharon is a threat because she’s probably got some mad side deals going on. Sharon then immediately goes up to the HOH room and tattles on Adam, which is her best move as well. She’s no dummy, I will say. Ryan’s response: (blank stare)

Meanwhile, Sheila corners Adam downstairs, and then? She cries some more. Luckily, I still have all this as a macro on my keyboard from Amber last season.

Adam then goes to talk to Ryan, and Ryan opens the door all “Are you trying to go behind my back bro?” which is the first hint of emotion we’ve seen from him, ever. Adam commences lying his ass off, telling Ryan that Sharon came to him and covering his own ass. He doesn’t do it very well, but since Ryan’s head is made of Twizzlers and Creatine, he swallows it whole. Ryan’s best move is so obviously to keep Sharon, but he can’t seem to figure that out. Only Ryan could make Adam look like an evil supergenius.

You know what I love? That the only reason any of this “Adam and Sheila are not that close” is believable at all is because Sheila has spent the whole season being dramatic and ridiculous. It’s like she’s accidentally done the best possible thing for her endgame. That’s sort of poetic in its idiocy, if you think about it.

Time for Julie to ask questions to the houseguests! Julie asks Ryan whether it’s dangerous to have that much power, which is a dumb question when there is a whole one competition remaining. Ryan responds with “Well, no.” I love that the dumb question writers can make Ryan seem like the one with common sense. It’s like a reverse food chain, with Adam at the top.

Julie congratulates Sharon for being the first houseguest to be nominated five times in a row, asking her how she’s avoided eviction this whole time. Why Julie, it’s easy! All you have to do is make an alliance composed of people who are all about twenty times as heinous as you are, and then hide amongst them until they are picked off. I mean, that’s the right answer, but Sharon’s answer is God. Yeah, totally God.

Julie asks Sheila about the shackles, and Sheila? Starts crying. She tells Julie that the happiest day for her in the house was the day they all got to start playing by themselves. Really, the day you got that informative and loving letter from your son wasn’t the best? But he had so much to share with you! Sheila drama queens on and on and Julie finally cuts her off, and you can hear Sharon laughing off camera. I think Sharon might be sort of awesome.

Adam gets asked the same question, and his response is basically that we all know that Sheila is batshit crazy, so it’s like what the hell do you do? You fuck with her, because it passes the time.

Now it’s time for Ryan’s veto ceremony. He keeps the nominations the same, because zzzzzzzzzzzz

Julie then gives the nominees a chance to say some final words, telling Sharon to go first because she’s so used to it. Burn, Julie! Sharon says the same thing she’s been saying for a month and a half. Sheila stands up and turns to Sharon, and you can sort of tell that she really, really thinks she’s going to be going home. And then? She starts crying. She talks about God and Jesus and all of the other deities who are probably not watching this show, and she addresses the whole speech to Sharon for some reason. She’s…odd.

Adam then stands and casts his vote to get rid of Sharon, and it’s like this: “I’m going to vote to evict you Sharon, and the reason is because (drowned out by the sounds of Sheila bursting into tears).” If that was some pre-orchestrated maneuver by the two of them to avoid blame, than they are both geniuses. I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t, but that sure would be awesome. Sharon’s last words before exiting are to remind them to take care of the hamsters, whom she calls her “babies”. Hilariously, during Sharon’s eviction my roommates iTunes (which is audible from his room) was playing “Battles” by Atlas, and if you have not heard it, it’s got a lot of high-pitched squealing in it, so from my couch, it sort of sounded like the hamsters were all “Peace out, bitch.”

Sharon calls herself “a threat” in her goodbye interview, which is both completely true and completely false. Sharon says that Ryan must have had more faith in Adam, telling Julie that it will probably cost him the game. Which is true, if he doesn’t win HOH. Again, Sharon with an accurate picture of the situation at hand. In Sharon’s goodbye videos, everyone behaves predictably, which is to say that Adam is fakely nice and waffles all over the place, Ryan is boring and spouts a bunch of clichés, and Sheila? She cries.

And then there’s this totally weird moment where Julie asks Sharon about Jacob, as if anyone gives a pants about that. Sharon then, oddly, even though we all know she sort of hates him, tells Julie that she’s probably going to try and make it work with Jacob, mostly because they have furniture together. Yeah, you can tell that they were totally in love when they were in the house together. Well, Sharon, you seem sort of cool, so I’m going to let that one go. Good luck in the jury house!

Back from the break, it’s time for part one of the three part HOH competition. Julie blathers on about how important this competition is, as if anyone cares who wins at this point because there’s really no one to root for and this is the most boring final three ever. I thought it could not get worse than Dick, Daniele and Zach, and that is correct. It can only get more boring, which might be worse. The houseguests have obviously been given prior instructions, because while Julie talks and talks about how monumentous this competition is, the three of them go solemly to their boogie boards and strap themselves in. The competition is endurance, and it’s called “Up a Creek” which I was hoping meant that shit would be raining down upon them and they would not have a paddle with which to defend themselves, but actually means that they have to hang on to a zipline while water cascades over them. Julie makes some lame puns about water and whatnot, and then it is on!

Who? Will? WIN? The suspense, it is killing me.