Big Brother: Another Thinker Thinks Up Another Stinker

Previously on Big Brother, poor Natalie finally realized that she is never ever going to get her massage.

Josh starts off the show by telling us how glad he was to see Allison go. After all, she’s the second woman he’s turned his bitter queen psycho ass on, and it’s the second time the sheep have followed his lead and kicked out exactly who he wanted them to. This guy’s got some kinda charm, eh? Matt hated Allison too, but he was sad when Ryan almost left, because he’s “my boy”. If Matty calls you his “boy”, you should be very afraid. You’ll be nominated fo sho.

Then we get a flashback of the moment that Ryan and Allison stood at the front door ready to leave before the siren went off and Allison went all apeshit like she got the little yodeler guy all the way up the mountain on Price is Right. How awesome was it to watch that stupid skank get booted twice in an episode? I almost forgave BB for the Donatos in that moment. I said almost. Anyway, it was great. Thank you, Grodner. I owe you a cold one.

I’m so doing this to Grodner’s leg if I ever run into her.

When the housemates found out that they would no longer have to play as partners, reactions were mixed. Allison just kept screaming like someone set her gigantor eyelashes on fire while this all went on, so I missed it the first time. Thanks for the ten minute rehash, CBS! Sheila and Moose, of course, pretended they were psyched to be rid of each other, but I think we all know the truth. Those two are made for each other in a sick way. The only other couple I have ever had this exact reaction to is Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. A couple of years ago, when they sold pictures of their baby to the tabloids for millions of dollars, I made simultaneous “ew” and “aw” sounds. They’re pigs, but they’re rich pigs and what other pair would be so shallow and greedy as to come up with such a brilliant idea? EWAWWW. What was my point? Oh yeah. Sheila and Moose are gross. And cute. But mostly gross.

Matt tells us he’s so psyched he doesn’t have to work with his paaatna anymore. Congrats! The only likable thing about you has just been taken away! Go you! I know some of you don’t like Nat cuz she’s an insecure, needy slut, but I find her charming. That’s why this look on her face almost made me curl up into the fetal position and squeeze a couple out.

If a painting of a big breasted mermaid with cuts all over her body is on the walls next time you get your coffee at Bikini Barista’s, don’t be surprised.

I feel better again when we are re-shown the montage of the HG’s unanimously evicting Allison with giant, unabashed smiles on their faces. The only one who pretended she gave a crap was Sheila, and we all know how sincere that crazy pants is. Note that she still voted Al’s ass out. This is all fun and games for me so far, because after rehashing Allison’s return to the Indian Casino from whence she came, I get to again see the look on Joshuah’s face when Ryan won HOH. Karma’s a c word, sometimes.

L

O

L

Nat immediately finds Matty Poo and tries to unzip his pants and he’s all oh hell no ho back off. She chalks it all up to immature boy love. You know how when a guy pulls your pig tails or punches you in the face, it means he’s really in love with you? I see a happy, healthy future for Nat. Just make sure the bath towels are always even and you’ll be fine, hon.

Things are equally as uneasy in the Hobo Hank and Chelsia department. She says that it’s awkward being around him now and she doesn’t know if she can look at him the same way. Dude, it’s not like he did gay porn or something. You can still be friends with the guy. Nope. She runs out of the room and flirts with both Ryan and Matty Poo while James sits in the other room and stews.

But I already put aside enough cardboard to build us a dream home!

Because she has no one to blow or massage or pass her around in the hot tub like a beach ball with big ones, Nat does what any good girl does to pass the time. She learns a lesson from the Bible. Yay! I love Big Brother religion. I hope she tells someone their mama’s a bitch. She checks out the book of Joshua and gives it an “oh, snap!” when she reads “what goes into a man’s mouth does not make him unclean, but what comes out of his mouth, that makes him unclean.” So, swallow, then? You’re all clean, Nat. Skip to Revelations. Now that’s some scary shit.

Since God really hasn’t gotten much time this season so far, his guest appearance is extended for another scene. While “Jameka’s Lament” plays, Josh sits in the hot tub and prays deeply. He apologizes for the way he’s responded to the evil people around him, and then asks for help losing weight and growing a penis that doesn’t look like a baby’s pinky (if you want help with your diet, you can look at his teeny weeny here. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya).

He ends his conversation with the Almighty by promising to tithe 10 percent of his winnings to the church if he takes this whole thing and another forty percent to his poor dealer, who must be all out of sorts with one less customer for three months. That Josh is a true giver. There is thunder and lighting, but I don’t think God’s mad. I think he’s rolling around on the floor laughing his ass off.

Dear God, please make Joshuah wear some fucking clothes once in awhile so I can stop hating the male form. Love and Amen, Flipit.

After he’s done praying, Josh joins the rest of the HG’s to check out Ryan’s HOH room, where he disses Jen, Ryan, and Ryan’s bland ass family. So I guess that whole Christianity thing didn’t work out, huh? I’m shocked. Ryan gets two baskets of junk food. On the downside, the walls are covered with pics of Jen making out with black dudes.

Matty stares at a picture of Ryan’s sister and tells her through the camera to call him. I’m sure she’s writing you a love letter as we speak. Who wouldn’t wanna date you after watching you on this show? Chelsia sees a Buckeyes t-shirt in Ryan’s basket and throws it down on the ground, because she’s a Hawks fan. This is all gibberish to me, but I’m assuming they’re talking about sports and bonding because they’re giggling and hugging. James is standing all dejected in the corner. Aw. I mean, hahahahahahaaawww.

How can she not love my tattoo of a crying priest with a hardon and all the moles on my back that spell out “Do you have a quarter?”? Some chicks just don’t get it.

Later, Moose lies down and watches Sheila cry because Allison’s departure was so hard on her. WHAT? SHUT UP, SHEILA! Moose goes to cut her hair, but she insists that she’s not a retard, she’s just sad, so he’s like whatevs and just sits there staring at her like a wreck on the freeway. She says that she could tell Allison “eeeenything” and now that she’s gone there’s no one to trust. She asks point blank if Moose will have her back when the other HG’s turn on her and he just says “We’ll see what happens.” LOL, buddy. Smooth as ever. Then she asks how he feels about the whole playing solo twist and he says he feels good. She stares at him slack jawed and I have to pause the dvr so I can LOL again. This show is killin me tonight.

James catches Chelsia alone and says that he loves her and still wants to win with her. She gently tells him that she trusted him because she had to and now that she doesn’t she feels like a piece of her has been taken away. How romantic. He seems truly broken up about her, and she looks at him like “uh….ew.” She promises to have his back as long as it doesn’t put her at risk in any way or get in her way of nailing Ryan and/or Matt to a wall and getting the bejeezus banged out of her. Hobo Hank looks deeply at his Chelsia and assures her that they can only come out of this stronger. Not really true. You could also come out of this humiliated on a national level instead of just the local street corner kind of way you’re already used to, but why dwell on the negative?

Sheila will no longer be sleeping in the same bed as Moose, which puts a real live smile on her face. She’s actually really pretty like that. I know, I can’t believe I just said that either. She goes to lay around and talk to Ryan and Matty Poo, who get the hell out of there as fast as they can to talk in the kitchen. Matt congratulates his boi and apologizes for voting against him. Ryan is a big sucker, as we all know, and decides to not only forgive him, but form an official alliance with him. They bring Moose and James into it, and Matt starts pointing at pictures on the wall and saying “you’re gone! You’re gone! You’re gone!” Hobo Hank, who seems to be the only guy with half a brain at this point, tells us that he’s not fallin’ for it and is willing to jump train cars at a moment’s notice.

Never trust a man in a pink jacket with the collar popped.

Later, Nat comes upon an amazing realization and brings Ryan over to the guinea pig aquarium to share it with him. You see that cube thing in the middle? It has three colors. Ryan sweetly explains that there are actually four colors. She doesn’t believe him, even as she’s staring at it, so he has her count on her fingers as he says “yellow, green, red, blue.” She nods and waves it off. Well that doesn’t matter anyway, because there are 27 wood blocks in there and there are also 27 letters in the alphabet.

He stops her mid theory and informs her that there are actually 26 letters in the alphabet. Again, she doesn’t believe him and pulls out her trusty fingers to prove her point. “W, X, Y, and Z”. Woops. “And” isn’t a letter? I love this girl more with every passing second. We never did hear her theory, but my guess is it was stunningly brilliant. In a breast implanted Rain Man kind of way.

Man, what an asshole.

Time for the food competition! The HG’s pick colored bandanas to choose teams and Nat dives for blue because she knows it’s Matty Poo’s favorite color. He tells us she weaseled her way in there, but she says that he let her have it because he secretly dreams of impregnating her with giant toothed, lying, misogynist babies. The backyard is set up like an extremely low rent version of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. They have to get letters out of plastic kiddie pools filled with chocolate and spell out food items. Josh tells us that this challenge is crucial because he is on a no carb diet. Did you hear that, God? I hope so, because I am a little sick of his muffin top hanging over his bikini briefs every other shot.

Nat tells her team that she’s an awesome speller, but Matty Poo reminds her that she thought there were 27 letters in the alphabet. Hey, that doesn’t mean anything! Fine. Spell cereal. “C E R E L”. HAHAH. Dear God, thank you for inventing Natalie. Love, Flipit. The teams stay even until Sheila jumps in the pool and can’t figure out one single word. Chelsia screams her head off, and the red team falls way behind. Lucky for them, the blue team loses their chalk, giving them a shot at evening the score. Sheila, though, gets another turn, which hands the blue team a win. When you lose to Nat’s team on a spelling challenge, you know you suck.

After hunting Ryan down and kissing his ass, promising to never ever mess with him again if he doesn’t get nominated for eviction this week, Joshuah treats us to a long dance number. Ugh. Sometimes I really feel for the guys who have to sit behind the mirrors and watch this crap all day and night. Interesting fact: Josh can make his man boobs twirl in opposite directions. Impressive? Yes.

But just because he’s extremely gifted doesn’t mean I have to like him.

Ryan, Matt, Moose, and Hobo Hank gather in the HOH suite to talk about who Ryan should put on the block. First, he goes with Sheila and Sharon, which is kinda dumb. Sheila has no game play whatsoever, plus no one likes her. Sharon has become bff’s with Josh, who the guys all hate. Why are they a threat? Someone floats Chelsia’s name, and James is quick to say that what needs to be done needs to be done and he’s no longer aligned with her. Finally, Josh’s name comes up. Why did it take that long, seriously? Big Brother 9: Stab in the Dark. Do these people think anything through AT ALL?

Ryan tells us that he is having a hard time choosing two nominees without a loud mouthed woman around to tell him what to do, but finally he chooses Sharon and Chelsia. ????? Oh man. When he gave Josh the last key I had to cover my TV with a towel because there was no way my Little Caesars was gonna stay in the box. Sure enough, I will be drying off with a t shirt after tomorrow’s shower. Ryan is the nicest guy in this game. It’s a shame to know he’s no smarter than the rest of em. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, MIDGET FACE?!?!?!

Someone please help me out here. Is there some secret brilliance in this that I’m just not seeing?

Agreed.