Previously on Big Brother, Sheila was forced into actually playing the game.
We start with Natalie cry-begging to her boys to keep her. Now she’s doing the same thing in the sequester house. Poor little ho ho. Will she spend the rest of the season bobbing for Matties or painting suicidal mermaids alone in her room? Time will tell, but I hope it’s the latter, because her dad watches the feeds with his “friends from Wal Mart” and I wouldn’t want him to be embarrassed any more than he already has been.
Ryan says that he and Moose decided to split the vote to confuse the girls and he doesn’t plan on telling them which way he went. Then we see them vote again, and the bot tell the house it was a split vote again, and then we get to see the desperate “I’m completely fucked” look on Nat’s face again.
What I meant was, Sheila, you look 22. Even Jesus thinks so. Pleeeease!
I didn’t notice this the first time, but Moose mouthed “I voted for you and Ryan mouthed “Bull!” LOL. Ryan tells us that without Nat, Team Christ is dead and gone and will never be resurrected. Oh snap, Jesus. Sheila, of course, was pissed that she actually had to stand up and grow a pair instead of being sneaky and pretending that she’s a good person, and it’s hilarious. She rolls her head and gets all tudey with the camera, self righteously saying that Nat put her foot in her mouth and had to go, like she wasn’t planning it anyway the whole time. I wonder if Sheila even remembers from one moment to the next what she’s even said, because she seems to believe her own bs. Get this woman some estrogen!
Sharon is ecstatic that she’s still around after being on the block five times, and still no one even notices that she’s there. They have bigger fish to fry. Ryan is pissed that he told Nat he voted for her, which Moose vehemently and awesomely denies. “I read your lips!!” Moose insists that he complimented Nat’s rack and giant eviction hair, but Ryan isn’t stupid. Well, comparatively. Moose just keeps shaking his head and “nuh-uh!”ing. Dear God, please let Moose win. Love, Flip.
I said “I’m bloated. Are you?”
The look on Sheila’s face is priceless too, because Moose’s fuck up might just be her opportunity to stay another week and she knows it. Moose just keeps insisting that he didn’t say anything wrong and Ryan almost buys it. Almost.
I can’t believe it, but we are re-shown the question about the rodents being a pre-existing couple that paved the way for Ryan’s HOH win. Groedner, taking her cue from Moose, seems to figure that if she just keeps saying something over and over again, it will smell less and less like BULLSHIT.
Sharon is psyched that Ryan won because she has a secret alliance with him. Poor Sharon. He has a secret deal with everyone. Ryan starts asking who the hell the secret couple is. Either Sheila has been married to Moose for years, or she gave birth to Sharon, or both. I was hoping that the guinea pigs were a ruse and that there really was a couple, but all of the HG’s deny it in confessional and then the little rat things are shown sitting on the couch speaking another language to each other.
Don’t feel bad, girls. Moose needs subtitles too.
Ryan says that a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean lovers, and someone could have a secret cousin in the house. Sheila, remembering the days of being passed around like a nasty cold at the Guccione mansion, jumps on this one. She did say that Ryan looked like one of her nephews. LOL. Yes this show has a dark, cheating heart, but I just can’t stop loving it.
Ryan starts calling Sheila “Auntie Sheila”, who’s like Auntie Mame only whinier and cooze shottier. Sheila, picking up after the keeids, asks “are you guys buyin’ theeis?” Yup. No one knows Sheila, but the Hardee’s Boys figure that she must know someone else. Love it. Ryan bases Sheila’s supposed pre-existing roots on the fact that she’s nervous all the time and squirrelly acting. Wouldn’t it be nice to just explain her bizarre personality away like that? She says that will swear on the Bible, but Ryan says “Naw, the Bible doesn’t mean anything.” Wow. I’m not sure if I’m more offended by the formation of Team Christ or the denial of Team Christ. Stop dissin Jesus, man. Leave it up to this show to give me a religious renaissance.
Outside, the boys try to wrap their little walnut sized brains around their new mystery while playing a game of midget golf. The secret is in Sheila, they just know it. After all, as Ryan points out, “she’s been around the block”. That’s one way to put it. They are going to ask Sharon about all her mother and father’s brothers and sisters and who’s ever reported a case of chlamydia or showed up at Thanksgiving dinner with sores on their mouth or a kid they claimed they were just “babysitting for the weekend”. These two kill me.
The Hardee’s Boys: On the Case
Sheila and Sharon are in the kitchen trying to figure out which one of the big lugs voted for Nat to stay, and Sharon’s like “duh. It’s Moose.” Sheila gets super pissed, but seeing as how she has a miniscule chance of ever being handed another win of any kind, it doesn’t matter. As Moose passes, Sharon asks if it’s cold and when he says yes she goes “Frak!” BSG fan? I never woulda guessed. I am now rooting for Sharon to win. What? You’re surprised that I’m shallow and wishy washy with my allegience? Uh…we’ve met, right?
Moose and Ryan have moved on to some other retarded backyard game. Moose tries to kiss the butt that’s hanging out of Ryan’s pants, but Ryan will only tell him that he’s basing his nominations on whoever’s full of crap. A tiny trickle of pee runs down Moose’s leg.
Ryan takes the HGs to his HOH room, and he tells us how happy he is to see pics of Jen. So those racist accusations did nothing, huh? Love it. Sheila is relieved that there are no pictures of her in the room, proving a connection to Ryan. HAHA.
The only kid I ever popped out and shipped off to the orphanage looked like Dean Martin.
His letter is from Jen, and it says that she loves him and blahblahblah. My favorite part is “now that I’m not able to play the game, I’m supporting you.” That’s big of you, Jen. Moose cries at the reading (LOL) and Sharon screams and squeals like she’s talking to the guinea pigs.
Later, in the backyard, Moose starts making fun of Sheila for good times by robotically saying “Sheila is starting to freeeeak!” She is easy as usual and they start bickering. He keeps repeating the same thing and giggling at himself over and over again. He’s like my three year old niece. But with bigger rolly eyes.
Sheila finds Moose lying on his pink bed reading his pink bible and starts pestering him about staying true to her. She tells us that she doesn’t know that she can trust Adam, which just basically means that she is leaving the door open to turn on him later. He promises that he is sticking to til death do us part, and then she hounds him some more. Quit while you’re ahead lady. He’s at the part where the woman is turned into a pillar of salt and he needs to concentrate.
Moose goes to the HOH room to eat all of Ryan’s food and solidify their partnership, but Ryan just nods and stares at his friend like “what have I done?”
He questions Moose again about the word mouthing and Moose again denies denies denies. Ryan isn’t buying it, but he doesn’t let on. Today’s competition is a luxury comp…er I mean plug for another crappy movie from 20th Century Fox with Cameraon Diaz reminding us why she will never ever ever ever ever as long as she lives even be considered for an Oscar. This movie looks like total shit and leaves me with only one question, when will Ashton Kutcher ever be considered old enough for roles that don’t require him to do HILARIOUS stuff like pee in the sink? Oy. Sharon’s reaction is the best.
The only person in America who will have this reaction to that movie.
The prize isn’t only a movie. The winners will be flown to LA for the premiere, stay in a luxury hotel suite, be driven around in a limo and get a Beverly Hills Shopping spree.
And you won’t even have to do this for it!
They get to pick their partners and Sharon jumps on Ryan. Sheila is pissed, as she and Moose are infamous for sucking at challenges together. She just tried to convince Moose that she was sorry for treating him like crap and talking down to him, but she forgot that so she treats him like crap and talks down to him. He doesn’t seem too thrilled either, telling us he’s paired with Big Sheila again. That nickname has to go on her gravestone.
The setup in the backyard is a set up of NY on one side and Vegas on the other. There is a bar full of wine bottles, making Sheila think she actually has a chance this time. She can drank. Unfortunately, the goal isn’t to get sloppy and black out for long enough to pop out children and not remember, it’s to smash bottles on your partner’s head and collect dice rings. Whoever finds the most rings has the best chance of winning when this big wheel is spun with pictures on it. OK, so that didn’t make any sense. Basically, wear a funny wig and smash bottles on your partner’s head. Go!
Sheila and Moose lose and they lose HARD. Sharon screeches and rolls her eyes violently. Ryan tries to hug Sheila but she refuses. Not only will she most likely be on the block this week, but she will also be chained to Moose for twenty four hours. This is the best game ever. When they go inside, there’s a teeny tiny table in place of the medium sized one, and none of them can believe that they’ve made it this far. That makes five of us. And guess what? STILL A FULL MOON!
Sheila feels much better at losing the competition when Sharon screams and screeches and woohoos some more. Then it’s time for the flick and she screeches and woohoos more while Sheila pouts. Good times.
You get to watch the flick, and you also get to watch Ryan play with his nuts. Congrats!
We get snippets of the movie and it looks really bad. When Ashton pees in the sink, Sharon says “That’s so Baller”. LOL. Ryan loves skinny blondes, and there’s one in the movie and one sitting next to him, so by the end he’s a mess.
Even later, on his way back to his room, he’s still playing with his wood.
Sheila follows Ryan to his room and he flat out tells her that she’s going up on the block, but not to worry because Sharon and Moose will be going at each other. Sheila says that she is worried that Adam will screw her if he wins POV, and Ryan tries to calm her down as best he can. It’s the end, babe. Win some competitions or your dead. It’s simple, really. Still, she spends her time putting different winning and losing combinations together in her head and speaking really bad English. They do confirm with each other that Moose was Nat’s vote before she leaves to wander around picking up socks off the floor and whining about not being able to trust whoever’s not in the room.
Sharon is next to take Ryan’s ear. She tries to convince him that he can’t trust Moose, and he reiterates everything he’s been saying the whole hour. She is convinced that they can get to the final two if they just stick together and she is right, but why the hell would he want to be sitting in the final two next to the most popular, sweetest girl in the house? His best chance of winning will be to sit next to Sheila. Who likes her crazy ass? Time for the nom ceremony! Sheila is not doing very well.
This is the opposite result of Botox injections.
He ends up saving Moose because they bonded over getting rid of Natalie. Sharon isn’t skerd and says she still trusts Ryan, Moose knows that he needs a POV win or he’s screwed, and Sheila takes us out complaining about being shackled to Moose. HAHA. It’s times like this that make me long for access to the live feeds.