Big Brother: Aspara-gay

The episode begins by flashing back to Alex and Amanda’s eviction. I don’t understand why people get sad after evictions. I know you’re in this hyper-emotional, summer camp kind of thing, but just sign some yearbooks and get the hell out, you know? Alex says to Matt, “Please avenge us, okay?” which, what is this, The Princess Bride?
We flash back to one hour before the eviction, when Josh and Sharon were thinking they were going to get rid of Matt and Natalie. Josh starts thinking that Allison is harassing Sharon, so he begins tormenting her and telling her that he can make her cry. Then he turns it into some vendetta against her because of the whole Fake Lesbian Affair, and how she’s sneaky for changing her vote, and it makes no sense. Then he’s like, “Let’s rip her heart out!” to Sharon, and: Dude, if you don’t like her, just tell us. You don’t need to make a bunch of random shit up.

Then we see them winning HoH, but the awesome “Dost-e-shev-sky” part is left out, which is unfortunate. James tells us that he was relieved when they won HoH, and wait, are they aligned? This season makes so little sense.

After the competition, Allison is talking with Matt and some other people about what happened, and Josh comes in and starts calling her ugly and telling her he’s going to make her life hell and getting up in her face. Wow, he’s ridiculous, even by Big Brother standards. He tells us that he’s really hurt that someone would “play his sexuality against him” and if that’s the case, why isn’t he giving Sheila shit too? He’s so full of it.

Then, like…I can’t even accurately recap what is going on, because it’s like nothing and a whole bunch at the same time. Josh is running around the house like a crazy person with no shirt on, and everyone is trying to make Allison feel better, and she’s trying not to get upset. The she cries in the Diary Room about how upset he’s making her, and then she cries in the bathroom, and…what is going on? I feel like everyone in the house has that virus from 28 Days Later.

When we get back from commercial, we FLASH BACK TO WHAT JUST HAPPENED. Seriously, this show is bad with the flashbacks, but they usually don’t just show you something that happened FIVE MINUTES AGO. Dear Big Brother producers: Your audience does not have the disease that the guy from Memento has. We do not have concussions. She tells Ryan and Matt that they should be ashamed of themselves “for not sticking up for” her. I will tell you right now that I hate that kind of attitude. Never expect anyone else to come to your defense. Allison takes the opportunity to bitch some more about Josh (which I somehow just typed as “hos”), and about how no one should ever talk to a woman like that. Wait, I had no idea that Big Brother was meant to be a crash course in chivalry. Someone lay their jacket down in a puddle for the parade of skanks!

It’s time to check out the HoH rooms, which the houseguests are already tired of doing three weeks in. Allison is like “bump this mess” and she goes to bed, which is pretty much how I feel about this show sometimes too, particularly when it comes to Josh, so: Word, Allison. Sharon’s HoH pictures include one of her with Jacob, which she is mortified at. Josh gets a tiara, which I am completely and totally unsurprised about. He’s exactly the kind of guy who thinks something like that is clever.

Then the sentimental music cues up, and Josh tells us about how offended he is regarding the whole lesbian thing, and Sheila is sitting right there the whole time fostering the hate when she was a party to the whole mess, and I think the show wants us to feel bad for Joshua. Like any of this makes any sense. He talks about how hurt he is by Allison’s lie because it’s something he takes very seriously, but dude: come on. At it’s very worst, it was insensitive, and that’s only if you let it bother you. From where I’m sitting, it’s difficult to choose a side. Turd Sandwich! Giant Douche! WHO WILL EMERGE VICTORIOUS?

So, it turns out that Ryan has no idea about the dumb lesbian lie, so Josh wanders over and lets him know about it and Chelsia fills in details. Ryan is incredulous, because he thinks it puts a giant target on them, which is completely missing the point. Ryan confronts Allison about it, and she seems really nonchalant about the whole thing and totally over it, but you can tell she knows it’s totally going to bite her in the ass. She also tells Ryan that it was Sheila’s idea, and I’d go back and check to see whether it was true or not, but that would require me to give a shit.

Back from commercial, we get a Matt and Natalie montage that includes what I believe is footage from the night they went to third base, but I’m not positive. For those of you at home interested in whether Massholes like to cuddle afterwards, the answer is no. Cuddling with a girl is gay! They make out for what feels like nine hours, and then she wipes her mouth. Hot!

Sharon and Josh come out of the Diary Room in overalls and tell everyone that it’s time for the food competition. Natalie is like “Oh no, overalls!” in this emotionless tone, and I sometimes wonder if she is an early prototype Sheri O’Teri-bot. The guys get overalls to wear, and the girls get…giant asparagus costumes. Adam tells us that he thinks the asparagus costumes are hot. I would have guessed that he was more of a cumquat guy.

In the backyard, there is asparagus piled up everywhere, and that must have been expensive because asparagus costs an arm and a leg. Especially for a guy like Adam, who must bang pounds and pounds of it every day. So, the competition is thus: you basically have to guess how much your female partner weighs, and then collect that amount of asparagus. The only way you can measure is by picking up your partner and picking up the asparagus, so…this is some evil shit for girls with low self-esteem. Like, pretty much everyone on this show.

Each pair is competing for a separate food group, and you have to get within ten pounds of your partner’s weight to earn it for the house for the week. If no one succeeds, the house gets slop, and also all the asparagus you can eat. So, I guess that’s how they’re solving the big malnutrition debacle, with asparagus? Asparagus: it solves all the world’s problems. Ship that shit to Korea!

The lifting of both asparagus (asparagi?) and women begins. Riveting! Chelsia and James manage to get close enough to earn beverages and snacks. Sheila gets weighed, and Josh recaps by telling the house that Sheila weighs in at “a whopping” 131. That is both hilarious, because it is Sheila, and really, really mean. Adam has 140 pounds of asparagus, so they win that food group, too. Matt and Natalie don’t get close enough, so no carbs and feast for these people. Chelsia is like, “You know Big Brother goes all out” when it comes to a feast. Hey, to some people, Taco Bell is totally a feast.

Allison and Ryan get theirs too, so it looks like the houseguests will be eating okay for the week. And then: asparagus fight! This reminds me of my childhood in the fields of Chile, where I used to spend all day picking asparagus and then spend my hard-earned two cent daily wage to purchase a pair of wooden shoes. Aah, memories.

Back from the break, Natalie has a bunch of nail polish out and is attempting to paint Josh’s face on a paper towel. In confessional, she’s like “I like to paint pretty things!” and the smell of the nail polish has clearly warped her brain. The painting is actually not terrible, for being on a paper towel and made of nail polish, but Natalie herself is looking a little ragged, so maybe the paper towel could be used for better things, if you know what I mean.

Later in the kitchen, Allison confronts Josh and wants to hash it, but Josh (and Sheila, who is watching and egging it on, because she is five) is not having it, of course. Why act like an adult when you can scream and throw your poop at people outside your cage? Soon they’re insulting each other’s appearances and talking about education and degrees (so, there that is from last week), so the conversation has stooped to levels heretofore only reached by people on The Apprentice.

Josh retreats to the HoH room to talk with Sharon, who tries to calm him down. Sharon tells him to grab everyone but Allison and Ryan and bring them all up into the HoH room to talk. But make it “discreet”! Yeah, I’m sure Allison and Ryan won’t notice that EVERYONE BUT THEM is missing. Of course, Josh’s idea of “discreet” is to walk right past Allison and ask everyone to talk in front of her. Very discreet! He’s almost like a ninja.

Josh tells everyone that he’s just going to ignore Allison from now on, because “he wants peace in the house”, and Sheila’s like “Good!” because if you’re paying attention, she’s actually responsible for pretty much everything that’s gone down in this episode. Josh and Sharon are basically asking one couple to volunteer to go up against Allison and Ryan, so that they can do it with a minimum of drama. No one’s biting, of course, but this is all so dumb I can’t stand it. Seriously, this is what passes for drama on this show now?

Allison decides that she can “flip” Josh back to her side, so she goes upstairs and tries to be apologetic in determining what his problem is. He tells her that he’s angry about the lesbian thing, and he drops the whole “using my sexuality against me” thing again. Allison tries to apologize but it comes off really insincerely, and this is all so, so dumb.

Josh and Sharon now have to nominate people, so they go and stare at the memory wall like idiots. Allison tells us that she’s pretty sure she’s getting nominated. Adam is like I HOPE I AM NOT NOMINATED! Matt tells us that he’s worried too, but then he also tells us without using so many words that Natalie is kind of dumb. Relevant! Josh and Sharon call everyone inside for the nomination ceremony. Adam and Sheila are the first ones saved. Adam is like THANK YOU FOR NOT NOMINATING ME! And then he makes a face that looks like he’s pooping himself. Chelsia and James are also saved, so Matt/Natalie and Ryan/Allison are nominated.

Josh tells us how excited he will be to get Allison kicked out of the house. He might be speaking a little prematurely. Allison has mind powers. She will flip you! Witch!