Big Brother: Best Not Live Eviction EVAH!!

Tonight on Big Brother, America hates Jessie. Can you blame em?

***I was at this live taping, but won’t bother you with that in this recap. To read about it, click here.



The pokabot comes out looking like one of those tiny paper hats that people put on steaks in fancy restaurants in 1960. It’s hard to concentrate with Uncle Fester’s pasty ass staring at me from the audience.

Whoever filled up the teleprompter today has a vendetta against the bot, cuz they start her off with a real tongue twister. “Jeff has it. Jessie fears it. And Russel and Lydia desperately need it.” Wait. That wasn’t a tongue twister, she just talks funny. I think her tongue might be too big for her mouth, cuz it’s always tripping over shit. As you are all well aware, tonight the special “wizard power” will be used! If anyone in the house learns to say it properly, I will type it out.

Chendra explains Jeff’s secret power for the fiftieth time as Jeff acts as casual and unsuspicious as possible.

After a recap of the last episode long enough for me to mix up a glass of chocolate milk, play with the dog, and text in sick to work tomorrow, today’s action starts. We pick up right after Kevin chose not to use the veto on his dirty hag Lydia. That was downright cold. To rub salt in one of the many wounds she’s covered in, he goes straight to Chima and gives her a sugargay kiss assy hug.

The switching of the hags.

Kevin tells us that his plan is to not make enemies by going against the HOH’s wishes, so it will be good for Lydia in the long run. Oh, so you’re helping her. He should at least be honest in the diary room. He realized he aligned with a skanky mentally unstable dumdum and is dropping her for the fierce chick who gets up in people’s faces. Do you guys watch True Blood? Doesn’t Lydia look like she’s being hypnotized by the Michelle Forbes right now?

The town is totally gonna have a violent orgy tonight.

Lydia is, understandably, not happy about her friend leaving her to hang. Chia is, though, cuz she feels all powerful. Her head literally got bigger right now. Huge.

Russell goes to give Lydia a kiss and say he understands how she feels. It’s gross, but he makes up for it with this shot.

You’re welcome.

She sulks under the covers, and is still doing so when Jessie comes in. He’s not there to console her, he’s there to whine to her about how he’s scared he’s going to be sent home. She ends up comforting him, but still from under the blankets. I hope she has her middle finger stuck up at him under there. She’s the one on the block! He’s legitimately bummed, and is pretty sure he’s out. Jessie’s cute when he’s sad, so I root for him to stay that way.

You should, however, get to packin.

Montage of the HGs trying to guess who has the secret power. Kevin is the only one sure that it’s Jeff, and Jeff claims ignorance. He doesn’t even know what the wizard power is! It could be free Gummi Bears for a year! Russell’s not really buyin’ it, and after lots of stewing around in her own juices like a caged animal for awhile, neither is Nat. Someone get this girl a shot of Bubonic Plague stat.

Think happy thoughts or turn forty early.

Nat shouts at the diary room camera. She has the Father Dan disease, but he was sweet and goofy. She’s just an asshole, so it’s way more painful. She figures either Jeff or Jordan have the power, so she and Jessie come up with a plan to make the couple like them. They will use charm. LOL. Good luck with that. She offers to play badminton with Jeff. Unfortunately, she doesn’t know how to play, so their game is mostly him watching her miss the shuttle over and over again. Nice work, athlete! Charm? Check.

Jessie’s idea of charm is saying nothing to Jordan for a long time and then complaining. Nat and Jessie are kinda perfect for each other.

You wanna charm a woman? Give her the mental image of your tiny frozen nuts all up in your stomach.

Jordan’s no dummy. Well, yes of course she is, but after Nat and Jessie’s failed attempts at appearing to be kind, normal human beings, Jordan knows something’s up. “I don’t know what them two are up to, but, you know, there’s somethin’ scandalous goin’ owan.” Love her. She vows to figure out what’s happening. Beat. Wait for it “…eventually.”

Get back to us on that, k?

Jeff teases Nat a little bit, but ultimately, he patiently teaches her how to hit the shuttle. AW!! That’s why he should win. And cuz of this.

You can call him dumb all you want, but it takes great concentration to have that stomach.

Later, Russell is playing sticks with Jessie, telling him that none of “you males” have a chance against the girls without him. That’s actually true, but Jessie sees an opportunity to whine and takes it. He pouts that Russell chose Jeff to play in the veto over him. Jessie has a point about Russell taking away his chance to win safety in such an important week, and Russell just stays quiet. At least in front of Jessie. In the diary room? Not as quiet. He says Jessie should get Nat to give him a massage until he can man up and play the game. He curses so rudely that God erases his mouth for a sec to teach him a lesson.

Actually, he kinda looks like the perfect man right now.

Russell knows that’s a losing battle, so he moves onto Michelle and flat out asks her for her vote. She does that shifty eyed not gonna commit smile thing she does. Natalie tattle tales about Michelle and Russell talking. Then the couple do what they always do when they need to find a solution to something: Jessie rubs himself while Nat watches.

He gets all worked up and goes to confront Russell. He reminds Michelle that Russell was just calling her cray and berating her a couple days ago. Russell gets pissed and is immediately in Jessie’s face. He asks “what would you do? Just lay over?” LOL. He basically says he’s talking to Michelle cuz he’s desperate and he’s doing what he has to do. So. Flattering. As happens in most fights on this show, the English gets pretty choppy the louder the arguers get. Michelle giggles awkwardly, says they should probably stop fighting, and leaves them to look deep into each other’s eyes and look hot.

Hey, I think Braden already did this scene on the Logo channel.

Chia and Jessie hang out later in bed. Chia says that Jeff, who she’s now sure is the mystery power holder, better let her nominations stand unless he wants to see a side of her unleashed that he’s never seen.

Yeah, we all saw that side. Do you have something else?

She wants a unanimous vote. I want her to stop cackling. Neither of those things is going to happen any time soon. So ok, she kinda threatened to go nuts at the eviction, but rumor had it that she had the producers afraid enough of a curse filled tirade that they changed the live show to a taped show. So why am I bored right now?

Oh. It’s cuz this commercial’s on. Jenna Elfman must be stopped.

Time to get down to business. Julie gathers the HGs and asks Kevin if it was hard not to use the veto on Lydia. He says yes and hopes they can move past it. Then he makes that wacky neighbor on an eighties sitcom face.

Lydia says she still loves Kevin, but she hesitates before saying it. Chen calls her on it and looks really slick until she has to practice the word “congratulations” a couple times before saying it right. She asks Nat what the most surprising thing about the game is, and Nat says it’s the boredom. You know the solution to that, right? Stop being boring. No? Ok. Let’s move on to Jeff. He’s surprised how tough the game is, and almost calls it a mindfuck, but stops before God erases his mouth.

Cheniqua is as bored with these dodos as we are, so she brings on a video package of someone interesting. Chia’s grandma! She is a sweet glowing lady who tells us that Chia’s name is pronounced with a hard ch sound, but Chia’s always refused to accept that and makes everyone pronounce it with a sh. Grandma laughs, like this is the most ridiculous thing ever. Back at the house, Chia’s telling Kevin how her family won’t be surprised by her behavior at all cuz she’s the same way in real life. He calls her a diva, and she says she isn’t one. That gives him a good long laugh. Now let’s meet Chia’s best friend!

She says that Chia needs to look good at all times and demands to be treated like a princess. I wonder if there’s anyone in Chia’s life that has anything to say about her that doesn’t make her sound like a total dick. My guess is no. Montage of Chia complaining. Best Friend says that Chia has man issues (no!) while Chia tells Kevin about how she doesn’t like when men bully chicks and she’s ready to fight. Yeah, we got that. Cut to the grandparents watching her and Russell screaming at each other. They look like they have seen this a hundred times at least.

We took away her press on nails in the sixth grade and she slashed our tires and threatened to kill us. Ah, what a sweetie.

Grandma calmly disapproves, muttering “fights like this get you nowhere” and “she needs to listen and not be so sure about her judgment.” Love this grandma, especially cuz she insists on pronouncing Chia’s name with a hard ch. She turns to her husband and says that there needs to be more civility and she doesn’t approve of the yelling. Cut to Best Friend saying Chia would have a chance if she’d stop acting like a bridge troll.

She…hurts…me.

Chental gets Chia in the HOH suite for some alone time and asks her what the heck happened to make her and Russell’s relationship so hard to watch with the volume turned on. Chia says that they used to be besties but she heard things he said behind her back and got pissed. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she was in total love with him, which is what I totally believe. No one says the word terrorist, but no one has to. Chia says that she doesn’t regret a thing she said to Russell cuz he started it. Then she sticks out her tongue and makes a fart sound. Time to see if the mystery power holder will use the wizard wand or whatever. Whoever you are, now is the time to stand up!

Jeff stands, and Jordan seems to have come through on that whole “I will figure it out” thing.

OMG! I figured it out! It’s Jeff!

I am all tingly, cuz this is some juicy shit! Jeff says, “welcome to the party!” as everyone oohs and ahhs. Then Jessie starts sucking his thumb and crying silently and rocking back and forth. Chenberly tells the HGs the rules of the wizard power, and adds that Chia and Jeff both get to play in this week’s HOH competition. Damn. I was hoping Chia would have to stay out of it, which would really set her off. Me need public Chia breakdown! Me hungry!

JEFF IS USING IT!! He takes Lydia off the block. She’s so happy that her eyes start glowing like a jack-o-lantern. This chick is freaking me out tonight.

He puts Nat in her place. YAAAAYYYYY!!! Jeff takes Russell off and apologizes before putting Jessie up. Then Jessie rips off his shirt, revealing another t-shirt, this one with Jessie half naked on it that says “The man, the myth, the legend”. HAHAHAH OH MAN JESSIE I miss you already you fucking gorgeous lunkheaded dolt of a man. Jeff tells them that they are up because they’ve had all the power and now it’s his turn, “so, enjoy.” HA. I love this show so much right now that I wanna break up with it before things go sour and it humiliates me in public.

Too late. Bra anyone?

Natalie gives her beg speech, and she is actually showered and calm. Weird. She says Jessie is a great friend and wants to “talk to him outside this house”. I’ll bet. She says that she’s been honest the entire game and shown her true colors. That you have. Now please learn to be fake like a normal human being. Jessie’s turn. He babbles incoherently about how he knew this was comin. Poor guy sure did. It’s hard not to feel bad for Jessie. Conveying language has never been his strong suit, but you can’t understand one damn thing he’s trying to say right now. The audience is dead silent. He goes on and on, complimenting Jeff on “the best move you did so far.” Even Jordan’s confused.

I wonder if I will ever be a spider.

He just keeps going and going, catching random words out of the air and stringing them together. Finally, he says “if it’s three to three, I’ll be fighting for everyone, I’m sure.” First off, huh? Chenderson tells him that there are only five people voting, so if he’s hoping for a tie that option’s off the table. He takes a moment to let the fact that three plus three doesn’t equal five set in.

Voting time! Lydia votes to evict Natalie and almost cries. I hope she does, cuz the rivers of cheap mascara might cover up some of that nasty ass skin art. Jordan votes to evict Jessie, and her ass crack concurs.

Kevin votes to evict Jessie, and so does Michelle. Snapple! Russell votes to evict Natalie, but it’s too late. Jessie’s out! And he totally knows it.

This show? IS DELICIOUS. Chentoria reveals the vote, and Jessie is up and hugging Nat too hard for a long time. He hugs Chia, Lydia and even Russell, but blocks Kevin and tells him “get outta here.” HAHAHAH. As he leaves, Nat says “America did it to him again.” I love that Jessie being a detestable cry baby douchebag dick face is somehow America’s fault. New Coke wasn’t taken off the market cuz America’s mean. It’s cuz it tasted like peepee. Wow. A New Coke reference. It’s officially five in the morning. I’m not proud of myself.

Chia starts getting mad, but in a calm collected way. BOOOOO! She says “maybe I need to have a talk with the producers.” LOL. Yes, Chia. If they don’t give you a million dollars an episode, quit Seinfeld. Jessie goes out to meet Julie flexing and slapping hands with audience members. This guy gets a wet stain on the front of his pants and starts pulling out strands of his own hair while giggling and breathing really rapidly.

I never knew how short Jessie is. His feet don’t even touch the ground.

Jessie tells Chenessee that America didn’t like him last year so the producers threw a dart at a board to figure out a way to get him out again. He didn’t actually say that, but his lack of linguistic knowledge forces me to paraphrase. Chensei wonders why he spent the most intense two weeks of the season sleeping thirteen hours a day instead of trying to get votes. Hulleow? Don’t you remember that time he complained about the hot tub water being cold? Get off his ass! He says that it doesn’t matter cuz he’s gonna be a sports entertainer. No one claps, so he poses and makes the sound of a huge stadium cheering for him.

I see a huge future ahead. Holding a “Slow” sign in the middle of a construction zone on Hollywood Blvd.

Chentamina congratulates him on at least getting to the jury house this time. She’s downright sassy tonight, and I’m loving it. The HOH competition is a one on one multiple choice game. YAY that means it will be quick and we can find out who is HOH tonight. Hey, let’s make it even faster! MICHELLE WINS!! WOAH! Good for her. I didn’t see that one coming, and who the hell knows what she’ll do? That seems to be the thinking of the HGs too. Their reaction is stunned silence. HAHAHAH. There’s no way to top tonight, but it should still be an interesting week! Chenya reminds us of all the hours of our lives we can spend watching these dumbshits on cable and the internet, and then she says that next week is a double elimination!! They’re really pulling out all the stops. In the last little segment, everyone is still silent in the backyard. Chima sighs and says “if you don’t want me to cuss, let me inside. Seriously.” BWAHAHAHAHAH. Grodner laid down the law, I see.

Kevin is all confused and offended by Jessie brushing him off, which is hilarious. Nat is already trying to act sweet and like she’s on everyone else’s side, and right before the show ends for the night, Chia whines “I’m losing my paaaatience!” The only reason I was ever rooting for you was that I had hope that you would lose your patience. Fail. Jeff FTW!