Big Brother: Birds of Prey

Tonight on Big Brother, Ollie makes out with his greatest fear.

CAW! CAW!After Libra’s eviction, Michelle gloats in the diary room, noting that Libra didn’t hug her and she really doesn’t give a shit about it. She doesn’t CAY-AH! After Libra’s picture goes to black and white, Renny tells us that she’s a little bit nervous because her picture is the only one on that side of the memory wall that’s actually still in color. That apparently made her really nervous and made her decide to try her hardest to win HOH. Yeah, because the other houseguests are totally going to use the memory wall to make all their nomination decisions.

Then there’s the flashback to Renny winning HOH using the Jeopardy format to answer the question, which I thought was hilarious because this show is the polar opposite of Jeopardy in the pretension department, and also because I think Renny on Jeopardy would be hilarious. Oh, and let’s all take a moment to imagine Julie Chen with Alex Trebek’s moustache.

After Renny wins HOH, April tells us in the DR that she’s pretty much positive that she’s going to be going up. Then she smiles the fakest fakey fake smile ever in the backyard.

Memphis and Keesha talk in the backyard about how perfect Renny’s win is for them because they don’t have to get their hands dirty. Memphis mentions that he might move into the peace room, since there’s a large bed open now. Renny tells us that she’s a bit worried about Keesha and Memphis’ relationship, because it subtracts from the bond she has with Keesha. While Keesha and Memphis celebrate, April and Ollie freak out in the living room, figuring that they’re probably at least a little screwed. Well, the other kind of screwed. While they talk, Jerry wanders over and sits down across from them, staring creepily at them like he’s in the back row of an x-rated theatre. Which he kind of is.

“This is just like that one time I watched those girls show their ankles at the beach.”

April and Ollie escape to the punk room to continue talking, and April straddles Ollie while she tells him that if she gets put up against Jerry, she’s going to go all out and let everyone know was a creepy whiner he is. Yes, I am sure that will be new information. And then, while they talk, Jerry walks into the room yet again. To his defense, I’m pretty sure this is the room where he sleeps, but whatever, the benefit of the doubt went out the window when you started wearing jorts.

Later, Memphis starts moving into Keesha and Renny’s room while Renny watches drunkenly from her bed. Renny uses her newfound power to question Keesha about the nature of their relationship, specifically whether he’s made any promises to her. Renny tells her that there’s no way he’s going to take her to the end, while Renny would. She calls Memphis “the male April” for some reason, and I fail to see how you can compare the two. I’m sure they share tank tops, but that’s about it.

Time to see Renny’s HOH room. The second she enters and sees the photos of her parents she starts bawling at the top of her lungs. I feel bad for laughing because it seems pretty genuine and Renny is a really goodhearted person whom I would love to hang out with, but it’s still funny because I am a heartless asshole. The boys are actually visibly reluctant to cross the threshold into the HOH room for fear that she will visit her special brand of crazy upon them. She lets everyone in and she’s holding the photos that they’ve placed around the room and making crazy faces that can only be genuine love for her parents, because there’s no way you could plan a face as great as this:

After the commercial, April explains to us that she has a poodle doll that she’s named Holly, which is a shout out because the toy poodle and Holly have the same IQ level. April tells us that the toy is very special to her, which then smash-cuts to Renny punting the thing halfway across the backyard. Ha! Point, editors. When April discovers that they are abusing her fictional pet, the other houseguests get in on the action and start playing keep away with it all over the backyard. It ends up in the hot tub at one point, and also gets punted by almost everyone else in the house. By the end of the shenanigans, the head has almost fallen off of the thing. Renny tells us that “it’s no secret” that she doesn’t like April very much, so anything she can do to piss her off is okay. Oh, Renny. Keesha is currently my favorite houseguest, but you’re definitely pulling even with her.

The next scene is all about April and Ollie and the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name, Except To Fornicate On The Internet. Seriously, how have these editors not shown them doing it? I’m surprised, because they’re usually all over that shit. Ollie tells us that he’s actually pretty serious about his relationship with April, but it’s the Ollie with the Evil Twin facial hair, so we can’t be sure if it’s really him or if he’s going to kidnap her.

“Now, I’m going to tie April to the railroad tracks!” (evil cackle)

Faux Godfather music starts playing as we visit Renny and Michelle talking up in the HOH room. Renny makes Michelle promise that she’s not after her, threatening to get the Bible and make her swear on it. Michelle swears on her parents that she is not after Renny, but she doesn’t specify who she actually is after. Renny tells us that she’s trying to form a new bond with Michelle, presumably to ensure herself against the event of Keesha and Memphis defecting. Michelle then brings up the whole Keesha/Memphis issue, talking about how that’s something of which Renny definitely has to be wary. This convinces Renny to promise Michelle that she’s safe, in return for safety next time she’s HOH, which Michelle takes. She also tells Michelle that April has a huge target on her back, which I’m guessing means that April is in danger of being punted across the backyard by Renny. How hilarious would that be?

Time for the food competition! It’s another one of those tired “eat a bunch of gross shit” competitions, except it has a rock-paper-scissors twist where you compete beforehand to see who has to eat and the first to 4 points wins. I absolutely hate gross food competitions, and I do not find it entertaining in the least to watch people swallow disgusting shit, so we’re breezing through this one. It is, however, worth noting that they’ve made everyone dress in tuxedo t-shirts which is always awesome. They’re the perfect compliment to jorts, and it’s a handy, multi-use ensemble, perfect for attending your trailer park’s yearly pig roast, spending an evening at the riverboat casino, or getting snazzy for a vacation at Six Flags!

“I can’t wait to wear this to my daughter’s wedding. The reception is at Red Lobster!”

Anyway, Dan and Michelle win points for their team by eating crickets, bringing the score to 2-0. On the next round, Jerry gets a point for the other team by eating a bucket of slop, barely keeping it down and almost ralphing multiple times on camera. It’s disgusting to watch, and I completely loathe having to sit here. If I wanted to watch a 75 year old man struggle to keep his food down, I’d take a trip to the Cracker Barrel.

After Memphis and Michelle earn points for their teams by eating pig ears, it’s up to April to seal the deal for her team by eating another set of pig ears to earn herself, Michelle and Dan food for the week. She says that she hasn’t eaten any pork since she was 13, and I’m going to let you write your own joke on that one.

However, she wins the competition by taking them down handily (again: write your own), leaving a sad Jerry, Memphis and Ollie to enjoy slop for another week. Oh, but one more thing! The America’s Choice vote from Thursday means that the people on slop will also have an unlimited supply of one other food item, which turns out to be giant lollipops. This makes Ollie very happy, for some reason. I’m hoping that this will turn into an opportunity to watch people talk shit about one another while taking licks off of giant novelty candy, but we don’t see any of them for the rest of the episode, so my hopes are not high for this.

And now we get a montage in which we discover that Ollie is absolutely terrified of birds. He tells us that it comes from old “Albert Hitchcock” movies, so we know he’s done his research about this. As a crow perches on the roof of the house, Ollie hilariously jumps behind the couch to hide, and then sidles along the wall of the house, careful not to turn his back on the devil bird as he makes his way inside and the other houseguests laugh uproariously at how ridiculous his fear is. Considering that April and the bird look strikingly similar, I’m wondering how this affects his romantic possibilities.

“You’ll never get my credit card number, bird!” – Brian Fellows

Up in the HOH room, Renny is wearing an Auburn shirt, and as someone who went to an SEC school, I’m wondering how she can rep for both LSU and Auburn. R enny talks to Dan, asking him how he feels about possibly going up as a pawn. Dan is like “WTF?” as he tells her that if she leaves him off the block, he can vote with Memphis and Keesha and they’ll have an automatic majority to get rid of whomever they want, so putting one of them up doesn’t make any sense. Then Memphis walks in and she asks him to be a pawn, and he’s like “WTF?”. He calls being a pawn the “biggest Big Brother mistake ever” because the pawn always goes home. It’s actually the second biggest Big Brother mistake ever, right after sleeping with Mike Boogie.

Michelle and Keesha enter, and then Renny asks THEM if they want to be pawns. They’re like “WTF?”, you’ll be shocked to know. Renny says that she wants to put up a pawn because she doesn’t want to make a lot of enemies, and Memphis and Dan make the very salient point that it doesn’t matter what she does to Jerry, he hates the two of them so much that she can’t really do anything to leap ahead. Talk turns to the possibility of nominating Ollie, so Michelle goes and grabs him. Renny makes everyone leave the room and asks Ollie how he would feel if April left the house, since she’s the likely target this week. Ollie tells Renny that he’s going to play the game hard whether April’s in the house or not, but he also tries to save her by deflecting Renny’s attention onto Jerry, noting that if Jerry left it would make pretty much everyone in the house happy. Well, I’m sure the Wrangler Jeans Company would be sad, but they don’t really count.

“Anyone want to go down to Claire’s and shop for accessories?”

While Renny considers the memory wall before the nomination ceremony in her one-strap dress, April tells us in the DR that she’s pretty much expecting to be put up. “It’s hard to swallow, because I’m such a nice person,” she tells us with a straight face. At the nomination ceremony, Dan’s key is in the box first, then Keesha, Ollie, Memphis and Michelle, leaving Jerry and April up on the block. Keesha tells us that it should have been April and Ollie, but I’m not complaining. The two most annoying people in the house are on the block. I have to say, I’m really enjoying this season. By this point the last…let’s see…three seasons, I’ve absolutely hated the vast majority of houseguests remaining. This year, most everyone is largely likable. Well, except for a couple of people. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.