Big Brother: Blue Wednesday

Hey everybody! Long time no recap. I am making my triumphant return with this season’s first live show, and we all know what that means: lots and lots of robotic laughter. Let’s get started!
Julie is dressed in a little black and white dress with sensible jewelry on, so I guess there’s a first for everything. As the camera zooms out, we see that there’s a live audience seated around an open circular stage in the center. I’m wondering where they got these people from. My guess: the Chenbot is taking human hostages. Wow, this is just like Terminator!

Just look at how terrified they are of being liquefied.

After the fancy new credits, Julie tells us that it’s Day 9 in the Big Brother house, and that Brian the self-proclaimed puppetmaster has “had his strings cut” by the other housemates. I have no idea how she says such things with a straight face. She also calls him a “former Air Force Crew Chief” instead of a cell phone salesman. This is because Julie is made of parts from recycled cell phones, so being a cell phone salesman is sort of like human trafficking to her. As Julie catches us up on all the things that we just saw in the previouslies (an esteemed Big Brother tradition), we get our first glimpse of the Houseguests all dressed up for eviction night, and the first thing you notice is that Renny is…very blue. Like, from head to toe, including a little knit beanie that matches her outfit exactly. I have no idea how she does it, but it is great.

“I wore this outfit to Mardi Gras in 1962! I wore an onion on my belt, it was the style at the time…”

We pick up during the veto ceremony, where Jessie flashback-douches all over the TV and uses the veto on himself. Brian makes a beeline for Jerry to get the scoop the second everyone leaves. “They gave me an ultimatum.” Jerry tells him, trying to exonerate himself. In confessional, Jerry tells us very seriously that he was willing to sacrifice Brian to save himself. Up in the HOH room, Jerry and Brian talk as Jerry tells him exactly what happened, including the fact that Ollie was the ringleader of the whole situation, which is probably what Jerry would think given that Ollie was the one who addressed Jerry for the group. Jerry then very gravely tells Brian that he may have noticed that Jerry wasn’t wearing any military attire during the ceremony, because he didn’t want to embarrass the Army by going back on his word. I realize that this is coming from an honest place, but: come on. You crawled around on your belly in honey and got covered in feathers like twenty-four hours ago. I love that Jerry is trying to treat the “ceremonies” as if they don’t deserve the quotation marks around them. Did you take your hat off, put your hand over your heart and face the Big Brother flag during the ceremony, Jerry? DID YOU?

In the old-timey bathroom, Brian relays the information to Dan about how Ollie and his matching Livestrong bracelet are not to be trusted. It might actually be a WRISTSTRONG bracelet, which would make Ollie more awesome than he already is.

Fear my coinciding accessories!

In the backyard, Brian and Dan confront Ollie about the goings-on in the HOH room. Ollie denies responsibility for the event, placing the blame on the entire house and saying that they made a collective decision. He tells them that April, Libra and Keesha backed him into a corner by accusing him of having an alliance with Brian and Dan, and that he basically had no other choice but to participate. This guy, he is good. Dan is like, “So that’s it, you’re just going to sell us out like that? I wouldn’t have done that.” Ollie says, “So you would sacrifice yourself and get voted out to save the rest of us?” to Dan. When Dan replies in the affirmative, Ollie is like “Not me, yo!” and then he skates. He is quickly becoming my favorite.

That night, Ollie and April flirt in the dark and make out. Apparently, it took them six days to kiss. I do not know why that is relevant, but hey, I’m just the recapper, people. I’m not here to judge. Wait, yes I am. Losers!

The next day, April, Keesha and Libra sun themselves in the far corner of the yard, reaffirming that they want to be a three person alliance to the end. April says that forcing the whole Brian issue is going to put a target on their backs, so they should probably lay low for a little while. On the other side of the yard, Brian and Stephen the Pure Gay bond as Brian tells us that he really respects Stephen because he remained loyal and didn’t take part in the big group meeting. The two of them decide that they’re going to work on switching people and hopefully sending Renny home. Brian tells us that his only hope is to get the girls to turn on one another. I’m not sure how one idea relates to the other, to be honest, but I’m obviously not the strategic mastermind that Brian is, so intelligent is he that he got his ass handed to him by a 75-year-old the very first week.

Back from the break, Brian tells us that his strategy is just to have a good time and make himself enjoyable to be around. I would say that this is Big Brother and that no one on the show is ever enjoyable to be around, but I actually like most of these people this year. Except for Jessie, these people seem largely enjoyable, which means that someone in casting is in Alison Grodner’s office all “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Anyway, Brian’s decided that they’re going to have a little puppet show, so they take some time in the backyard to make little sock puppets of some of the houseguests. They have some trouble making the Renny puppet, but settle on putting a flower in it’s hair. The Big Brother editors get their first kudos of the season by providing a helpful split screen:

Oddly, they both smell like feet and mothballs.

Brian, Angie, Dan, Stephen and Memphis move the furniture from the porch out and crouch behind it. Angie (as the Julie Chen sock, and I cannot decide if that’s racist or not) begins the eviction ceremony by giving them a chance to say their final words. The Brian sock (played by Dan) bitches about making “eight thousand” alliances during the first week. The highlight, of course, is Brian as the Renny sock, saying “I hate everyone here! I hate you the most Jessie!” in a little New Sock-Leans Accent. And then Ollie, played by a black sock (racist or a compliment, because he got to be formalwear? You be the judge) walks up and chats with an April sock (complete with tiny sock-boobs), and they make out. The Julie Chen sock (which is not yellow, because that would be too much) then evicts the Brian sock as things descend into laughter. Damn these people for making me like them! I hope I was not the only one reminded of Lil’ Stephen A. Smith, the greatest sock puppet since Slava Medvedenko!

As everyone lies around the backyard with that post-puppet makeout session glow about them (except Memphis, who has gone inside), Stephen talks about how much fun they’re having and that they should maybe try to keep Brian. Everyone seems down to make it happen, but because there are ten votes and they only have four present, they would need at least one more, if not two. They decide the solution is to get Memphis, since he has Jessie with him and then they would have a majority vote to get rid of Renny.

Angie and Keesha chat a bit about how they’d like to keep Brian around, and April starts to tell Keesha that it could be a possibility if they can sway Memphis. April sees them talking from the kitchen and bitches to Libra about it, saying that she “loves Angie to death, but…” which is Southern Girl-code for “fuck her and the horse she rode in on”.

“Yeah, well, I love you to death, too!”

That night in the backyard, Ollie, Jessie, April and Michelle play pool and chat about how close Brian and Angie have become while Keesha and a few others hang out near them on the patio. Keesha seems to think that the four of them are talking about her, so she gets up and starts yelling at them to come over and say whatever it is to her face, and it escalates into a full-on shouting match between April and Keesha. April is being held back from running over and screaming at Keesha, and Keesha just keeps running her mouth trying to incite something. Wow, and this is just the first week! Ollie tries to comfort Keesha who just wants him to back the F off, and then she starts talking in front of Ollie about how she “can’t fucking stand April” and tells Ollie he can take that back to her. Now, because it is 90 degrees here in Chicago and my AC is currently broken, I was up late last night unable to sleep and sweating all over my couch, so I actually saw this play out in real time, and I can tell you that this went on for freaking ever, like for hours. Believe me when I say that Keesha’s bile is amazing. Also Keesha was oversharing with Showtime subscribers last night and telling us all that she hasn’t pooped since she moved in, which I can imagine must not put one in a very good mood. And there we go, I just admitted to watching Big Brother After Dark. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the shower.

Meanwhile, April has retreated to the bedroom where Libra and Renny are trying to comfort her. Libra seems absolutely convinced that Keesha has flipped on them and is going to vote to keep Brian, so she tells Renny to pack her bags, just in case. Can’t have your muumuu’s laying around all over the place when you get kicked out!

“I have no idea whose hand that is!”

Back in the studio, it’s question time for the houseguest’s! Julie asks Jessie whether he has forgiven Renny for…whatever it was. “You have to give respect to get respect, and she hasn’t shown me any, so” he says douchily. God, what a tool. How do you hold a grudge about something so dumb? Way to make yourself look like a little bitch on national television. Julie asks Renny for a response, noting that Renny has a son about Jessie’s age. Renny and her blue outfit tell Julie that Jessie has “a lawt to leeee-arn” about life, and she blah blah blahs for a long time, but the point is that if he wants respect, he should probably follow his own advice and give it out himself.

Julie notes that Libra is the mother of a four-year-old and two five-month old twins. Wait, they’re five months old now? They were four months old last week! What, do twins grow up at superspeed or something? At the end of the season, Julie will be like “Libra, you’re the mother of seventeen year old twins. What do you think they’re doing right now?” Anyway, Julie wants to know what she would say to the people who wonder exactly what kind of mother would leave their kids for such a long time. Wow, an actual interesting question from Julie Chen! Yet another first for this show. What is going on this season? I feel so…entertained by it all. It’s so unnatural.

Libra tells Julie that she makes her own decisions, and that she made this one with the support of her family, and that she has her reasons so no one should question her. In short? Screw off, haters. With that, it’s time for a commercial. You’ll notice that the entire segment went by without the audience making any noise whatsoever, not even a little Jerry Springer woo, probably because they’re scared they’ll be incinerated. Yet more evidence that they are hostages.

Help us! We haven’t eaten in three days, and during commercial breaks they make us work in the iron mines!

Back from the break, it’s time for Jerry’s HOH interview. Does Jerry regret being put in a power position so early? No. Was it difficult to put up Brian after making a promise to him? He says yes, and then mentions the fact that he didn’t wear any military garb AGAIN, because he didn’t want to “embarrass the situation”. Yeah, but you also wore jorts during said ceremony, so I’m not sure you exactly attained that goal, there. He then calls the girls in the house “Jerry’s Angels” which would be gross, but Julie diffuses the tension with one of the greatest robotic laughs of all time. It’s like her awkward cancelled out his awkward, somehow.

Back from commercial, it’s time to vote! Julie gives the nominated houseguests a chance to say their final words. Renny stands up and talks about how she’s been on the block for a long time, and how she’s taken the shock of it and translated it into positive blue energy and then she says a lot of words that don’t make a lot of sense, ending in the statement that she’s tried to “monotone” herself over the past few days. Grammatically, that’s probably not what she meant to say, but if you look at what she’s wearing, you have to admit that it’s hard to argue with her.

I can’t even criticize her grammar, because all the evidence is right here. I mean “monotone” isn’t even a verb, but I think we can make an exception here.

Brian grandstands a bunch, doling out some advice about how no one should take this place too seriously and that everyone should take a deep breath and remember that it’s a game. Sage advice from the guy who lasted a grand total of nine days. That’s like Sir Mix-A-Lot giving advice to everyone about how to stay at the top of the charts.

Voting! April votes for Brian. Libra? Brian. Memphis? Brian. By the way, it should be noted that Memphis is now the owner of some extremely unfortunate facial hair. Ollie? He votes for Brian before Julie calls for a commercial break. With Brian leading the vote 4-0, it’s certainly a great time to do so if you want to retain your audience. WHAT? WILL? HAPPEN?

Back from the break, Dan is already in the diary room. He compliments Julie, calling her “Missus Chen” and then telling her she looks beautiful. Then he votes for Renny. Jessie and his stupid face vote for Brian, which is the vote that sends him home. The rest don’t matter, but Keesha, looking mad hot, votes for Brian. Michelle? Brian. Stephen the Pure Gay? Brian. And then Angie, looking mad hot as well, also votes for Brian. Man, they got a lot of hot girls this year, no joke.

In the living room, Julie evicts Brian, who gives a hug to Dan and awkwardly waves goodbye to everyone as he exits. The audience has apparently been told to cheer or face execution, because they are going at full speed as Brian exits and high fives them. Julie asks him whether it was, as the sock puppet said, his “8000 deals” that did him in. Brian agrees with the puppet, conceding that he probably played a little too much game for the first week. Julie asks Brian whether Dan will survive inside without him. Brian says yes, because Dan is someone that can definitely be trusted. Yes, he can be trusted, in a way. Trusted to invoke the Patriot Act and then punch a minority.

During the goodbye messages, Keesha calls it like she sees it and tells Brian that he’s an arrogant douche. Gotta say, liking her, too. Ollie is awesomely not sad at all and is basically like “Peace, jerk!” Man, he is awesome. Great goodbye videos. I bet those made him feel swell!

Holler, loser!

Julie closes out the interview by asking Brian who is the most underestimated player in the game. He says that it’s definitely Memphis, because he’s charismatic and he’s good in competitions. Judging by his facial hair, he’s also extra in Super Troopers 2.

Time for the HOH comp! It’s the old Big Brother mainstay where the houseguests get two options and have to choose what they think the majority will say. If you guess wrong, you’re out, and last person standing wins. Memphis is the only one out on the first question, which is yet another point in Brian’s favor. Wow, he can really read people!

Wait, you mean this isn’t a Sizzler Steakhouse circa 1954?

Keesha and Renny go out next, followed by Michelle, Dan and April. The questions are predictably dumb, in the grand tradition of Big Brother competitions (Who would be a better fashion consultant, Renny or April? Well, that question depends on your affinity for wigs) and the houseguests laugh with each other throughout the segment at the ridiculousness of the entire thing. It’s like they’re…normal people or something. I love this cast.

Eventually Libra, Ollie, Jessie & Stephen are the only ones left in the game, staying in through several questions. Julie deems it time for a tiebreaker. How many pillows were on the bed during the veto competition? Libra guesses 147, Ollie 550, Stephen 124, and Jessie 200. The correct answer is 300, so Jessie is HOH. Gross!

Despite the fact that the most odious person won HOH this week, I’m definitely thinking this season is on the right track. I’m sure I’m eventually going to be let down when Jessie takes the whole thing, but for now let’s just enjoy ourselves. I’m sure Renny is shaking in her leopard-print muumuu right now, though.

Want to get in contact with Schoonie and tell him what a jerk he is? You can e-mail him at schoonie_45@yahoo.com with your questions, comments, or thoughts about his idiotic opinions.