Big Brother: But…I’m HOT!!!

Tonight on Big Brother, a giant sparkly pink bird hatches a fifty something year old hairdresser named Renny. Thanks giant sparkly pink bird!

Suck it, Chita Rivera!

The bot welcomes us to eviction night wearing a shoulder baring sweater and a green rubberish looking skirt and jangly diamond bracelets. The studio audience looks as confused and uncomfortable as ever, but I am glad they’re there, because they’ve given the bot a sense of showmanship. Sure, she still fucks up every other line, but she does it with gusto and sassiness now because there are actual people in the seats to impress and not just the imaginary billions Moonves insists are watching.

As you know, Jerry refused to use the veto on Tuesday, leaving Jessie the Incredible Sulk on the block with Memphis, the no good womanizer. Jessie is very confident and arrogant, believing that everyone loves him and he will be staying. He makes a little horn sound and shouts SWEET BEANS! Memphis isn’t as confident. He tells us that his alliance is now done and “it’s time to start from square one.” Too bad you didn’t come up with that stroke of genius a little earlier, tiger. Probably too busy making the women swoon. Those over thirty’s are like putty, ain’t they?

While April is in the diary room patting herself for getting her way and getting Memphis out, Keesha tells Libra in the peace room that she really hopes April changes her mind about getting rid of Memphis because there’s no one in the house with enough balls to wear the tacky headpieces he does. Including Renny. Libra calmly agrees with Keesha, but in the diary room she’s like thunder, shouting and rolling her head and telling us that Jessie’s gotta go cuz all he does is eat and sleep. Dang, Libra. Since when does eating and sleeping your life away constitute grounds for eviction? I’d be homeless.

Libra and Keesha decide that they have to talk April into getting rid of Jessie and what do ya know? It’s April! She comes in and acts like she’s looking for something when Libra jumps down her throat, telling her that they want Jessie gone because he’s gunning for them. April’s answer is “we all have people coming after us.” HA. Keesha starts sighing loudly and refusing to look at April. Then she tells us that she hates April. Ya don’t say! I didn’t see that one coming. Then she pouts with her arms crossed like she was just told that she’s never getting a pony no matter how many chores she does.

It’s just a zit. Calm down.

April tells them that no one gives Memphis credit for being a good player but he is. She doesn’t give any evidence, and we certainly haven’t seen any evidence of that, but believe what you will hon. “Just because he’s not as loud as Jessie, or as huge as Jessie, or as closeted as Jessie, and just cuz he doesn’t make horn sounds with his mouth or make Michelle think she might actually get some before she’s in her fifties…” She seems to forget where she’s going with that line of thinking and stops.

April stays in a whispering tone but Libra tells her to calm down anyway and starts getting defensive about April’s imagined defensiveness. She complains that April always says she wants the girls to communicate to her but then when they do she gets upset. Maybe it’s your way of communicating, Libra.

How can this face be misconstrued as anything but loving?

Libra gets herself all worked up and tells April that it’s not right that she’s planning on helping someone who’s gunning for people in her alliance. April talks big in the diary room, but she’s a giant wuss, so instead of saying anything now with actual people she’s talking about around, she just stares at the floor, makes that severely aging “I’m thinking deeply” face she gets and stays quiet.

Later, Keesha sits outside with Memphis and tells him that everyone agreed to vote how April wanted them to this week, and Memphis shakes his head in disgust. Welcome! The rest of us have been shaking our heads at this do whatever the HOH tells you to strategy for weeks. He tells Keesha that the HGs might as well go in stand in line for an iPhone and cut their hair into fauxhawks and just baabaabaaaa together. Keesha agrees that the only time it’s good for people to act like mindless sheep is when she’s holding the crook.

Dan sits with Keesha by the pool and asks to talk with her privately because they have so much in common. What, pray tell? Other than being on your knees a lot? Keesha talks about how she wants Jessie gone and Dan says that he wants Memphis in too. Now that she has someone else on her side, she marches in to talk to Libra again and tells her that she’s decided f April, she’s gonna vote to evict whoever she wants. Libra doesn’t know if it’s wise to trust Dan because all he does is yell at himself incoherently and laugh at himself in the mirror. Keesha says Dan’s the only one they can trust because Rerun’s up April’s ass without a Trojan, Jerry’s offended by Memphis’ working penis, and Michelle is currently stalking Jessie even though she ain’t never gonna get it.

And then this happens.

You’re welcome.

When April leaves, Keesha brings Memphis to the peace room and Libra tells him that if she votes for him and he puts her up next week she will kill him. Dan comes in and Keesha tells Dan that Libra is shifty about him, but he eases their minds and promises that he will vote with them. They all shake and swear and Libra pushes Dan and says after this it’s just us! Her husband is probably very very bruised. Then Dan starts jumping up and down in front of the mirrors and shouting “I did it America! I won ten thousand dollas!! YAAY ME! I’m the best America’s Player ever!!!” Smooth.

Outside, April wonders to herself if she’s pregnant. Or she’s thinking about the rising gas costs. Or her woman’s intuition is telling her that something isn’t right with her alliance. Whatever she’s thinking you know it’s very deep because she’s making that aging deep thought face again.

Aging Deep Thought Face

April spots Jerry on a sun chair and tells him that she was just double teamed. He says “HUH? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” but she refuses to talk above a whisper. Finally, she gets up and does the gyrating and tongue knocking against her cheek thing to symbolize double team. Jerry finally gets it and asks if he can touch her boobs again.

He thinks that they have Dan so he calms April down by telling her that he will go have a conversation with Dan about God and the Military and the parting of the red seas or something to make sure he’s not swayed by the other team. Jerry thinks that Dan will do whatever Jerry says because he brought Dan into his alliance and saved him. April laughs and smiles and pats him on the back. He doesn’t leave, so she she shrugs and lets him cop a feel before he goes on his way.

Jerry finds Dan playing with his balls in the pool and starts the big talk. “Dan, it’s just you, me, and your balls.” He lets Dan know that April is gonna put Memphis up and Dan does his best not to splash water at the big prune and snap at him to catch up. Instead, he rubs his ear like he might have water in it and asks if Jerry means that April wants Memphis evicted. Jerry shouts “shut up you stupid woman!” and starts shooing invisible flies away. Dan just stays quiet with his balls in his hands and waits for Jer to continue. Then Jerry starts yammering on about keeping your word and staying true to your alliance. Abraham almost sacrificed his son just because God told him to. You know why? Because they were in an alliance. Jerry gets up and kinda puffs out his chest and walks away with a droopy wink, proud of the education he just gave to his young friend. Dan just looks kinda confused and goes back to his balls.

If America tells me to vote out Abraham, he’s screwed. Sorry yo.

Jerry finds Jessie in bed (don’t tell Libra, she’ll kill him) and tells him that he’s got Dan on their side and Jessie’s covered. Jessie nods furiously and keeps saying “I know I know I know” over and over before rolling over and going back to bed. Jerry asks if he knows that Abraham almost killed his son because God asked him to and Jessie hits him with a pillow and tells him to lock himself in the bathroom and push the reset button.

That night, Dan lies down on the hammock alone and talks to America. What are we gonna make him do? If he votes out Jessie, he’s gonna be in trouble with some people but if he votes out Memphis, he’s gonna have Libra and Keesha on his ass and no one wants those two after them. When they had that big fight on Tuesday they started screeching so high they sounded like Dino the pet dinosaur did whenever Fred got home from bowling. Dan tells us that we better hook him up because he gave Jessie an eighteen second gay hug and the unspoken promise of a future drunken bj for us.

Dan lies around with Goal Weight Rerun and tells him how much he loves coaching at St. Mary’s and that he was sad to go right when conditioning was starting. Rerun doesn’t know what conditioning is so Dan explains that it involves taping the kids’ eyes open and tying them up in front of Kirk Cameron propaganda videos. I thought Rerun would get freaked out and leave the room, but instead his nipples turned rock hard. This show is sick.

Ding! Nips are done!

The bot shows us clips of Dan’s football team sitting in Roseanne Connor’s living room watching Big Brother. Is that one in the center one of the Jonas brothers? These are the smallest football players I have ever seen.

Poor big black kid in the back probably has to do everything.

They are watching the clip of Dan stringing barely understandable English together while giving Rocky speeches to the HG’s hanging on to the ledge in last week’s HOH comp. They cheer loudly and go nuts, because he gives the same meaningless unintelligible speeches to them. Then they see the clip of Dan holding onto Jessie for dear life and crying on his shoulder.

It’s not just the priests you gotta watch out for.

In a clip of Dan being saved, the guys all jump around and scream and yell and make hulk poses and I start cracking up because I know Schoonie is at home right now trying to shield his eyes from the TV so he can avoid all the jorts. Schoonie really really hates jorts.

Love ya, Schoon!

Dan’s sister and mom are also watching. The sister talks, but all I can hear is makeup.

Holy mother of Maybelline!

The mom isn’t happy that he took the America’s Player challenge because Dan’s really bad at lying and anyone with a brain bigger than a pea will know he’s full of shit and start questioning all of his plays. Cut to everyone wondering whether or not Dan’s America’s Player. That mom knows her boy. The sister says that Dan “has so much strategy” that he would totally talk himself out of the trouble he might get in. Cut to Dan being confronted by Libra and Keesha about being America’s Player and nervously laughing and staring up at the camera and crossing his fingers for everyone to see. So. Much. Strategy.

The bot rescues us from Detroit clips and brings us to the living room, where she asks Michelle if she’s still being a whiny bitch about having to wear the unitaaahd. Michelle screams that she always gets screwed and Libra is a bitch slut whoauh and then tries to run out of the room but all the doors are locked. When she sits back down, the bot asks her how it feels to have to vote so many possible boyfriends out of the house when all she has to look forward to when she goes home are ten pets and a bunch of horny hairy backed cousins. Michelle starts scream fug crying again and tells Julie to get bent and then starts ramming up against all the locked doors.

Moving on. ChenChen asks Keesha about her thirtieth birthday party sucking so hard and how she felt about having a tiny cheap ass cookie cake. Keesha is big about it and says that these things happen and she was just happy that at the end of the day she was surrounded by people that she loved. Kidding! She says she hates everyone and hopes they die and she’s made a list of everyone that she’s gonna make pay. The bot says “fierce!” Uh…who’s fucking with the bot’s voice box? Fierce died in 2001, then again in 2007. Please just let fierce rest in peace, bot!

So that’s how you stay so hawt.

Next question is to Libra and she rolls her eyes back in her head because she knows that someone’s gonna judge her for choosing to steal Michelle’s vacation instead of reading a letter from home. And sure enough, that’s the question. As the bot asks it, Michelle gives Libra the slut cunt whore evil eye. Libra says that she doesn’t regret it and her husband would have been pissed if he’d had to sit down and write a bs letter instead of getting his bags packed for Hawaii. She trusts that her kids are fine and she’s a good person and deserves the trip. Michelle makes faces and gives the cameras mugs and nanny nanny booboos Libra. Seriously Michelle, grow the fuck up already. You’re even uglier than normal when you act like that.

Libra cheers “Hawaiian vacation!” with her fist in the air and the audience is completely silent. The bots like okaaaay….MAN PEOPLE GET OFF THE WOMANS ASS. She just popped out a medical miracle and if she wants to go on TV and then vacation god bless her. Everyone’s so judgmental, like we still live in a world where women have to give up any sense of self and stay home to devote every little second of their existence to their brats because God forbid a man should have to wake up in the middle of the night and gasp shove a warm bottle in the kids’ mouth. Those kids are still practically in a petrie dish. I didn’t start resenting my mother until I was at least three. We live in a two working parent culture people, where no one’s home anyway. At least Libra’s kids won’t come home for Christmas as adults to suffer through drunken “I GAVE UP MY LIFE FOR YOU AND NOW I’M OLD AND HAVE NOTHING!” monologues. Trust me, those suck. Besides, if Libra hadn’t been selfish, we never would have had the cunt whore slut monologue from Michelle. Is that what you want, people? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?!? Man. I got all worked up. Excuse me. I’m going to Wendy’s.

I’m back! Did you know that it’s ok to eat soggy ass overripe tomatoes again? Thanks, FDA! April sits alone in her HOH suite for the bot interview. I love that April doesn’t ever think the camera is on her until someone actually speaks to her. She sits there with the aging deep thought face and then when she hears her name she brightens up and smiles all fakely like someone just turned a spotlight on her. Anyhoo, the bot asks her where she stands with Keesha and Libra and she answers that she could have just let Michelle win the HOH to put them on the block but she’s extremely selfless and not power hungry and won it to keep the girls safe and she doesn’t appreciate being disrespected by the disrespectful pair who should respectfully give her the respect she so respectfully deserves. Respect.

Before her name.

After her name.

The bot asks her how it feels to have to look at Memphis’ faux hawk, bandanas and Panama Jack hats and not lol. She says that she can’t be rude because she’s already put him up for eviction. She doesn’t feel bad about it either because Memphis never even came up to her room and begged for his life or gave her any kind of HOH respect so he must not even wanna be here. April is talking in the most defensive, c wordy tone ever, but she finishes every sentence with a huge smile and crazy eyes. The bot then asks if this whole fucking Rerun barebacking on TV thing is ever going to amount to anything other than her embarrassing her family, and she says “I’ll bet all of America is dying to know that!” Yes, April. America is revolving around your loose ass. Hillary’s trying to hijack the nomination? Who cares? April’s getting another pearl necklace! Stupid ho.

Voting time! Jessie is first to give the spare me speech. He stands up and pulls the underwear out of his butt and gives a happy birthday shout out to his dad and some chick named Sheena. Michelle starts fug crying again. He continues that he’s a competitor and so he wants to stay and compete cuz he’s a competitor. Well said. Memphis tells them to vote for themselves and keep him in if he thinks he can help them. And don’t be a bunch of fucking sheep and just do whatever April tells you.

Michelle votes to evict Memphis. Rerun and Jerry are with her. LIbra and Keesha both vote against Jessie and then it’s Renny’s turn. I figured she would just vote against Jessie too but she brought in a boa and started doing a really off key rendition of “Whatever Lola Wants” while grinding on the couch and trying to touch her toes before giving a damn answer.

I vote for boaaaassss daaaahhhhlink!

She actually kind of apologizes with her vote, saying “just when I was about to like you, dahlink”. Huh? Maybe all those retarded horn noises Jessie makes remind her of her personal marching band back home. Dan is of course the tie breaker, and the bot stops him before he can call her Mrs. Chen again. LOL, bot, but I think when your entire career depends on the kindness of one leather faced billionaire who runs a network, you’re Mrs. Chen. No offense. America has voted to evict Jessie! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! HE’S HILARIOUS! Jessie’s a total dick face, but man, he’s entertaining. Ah well, at least we get to see Michelle lose it even more. YAYYY!!

When ChenChen tells Jess he’s toast, he robotically gets up and silently hugs his friends and leaves. The only time he speaks is on his way out, when he tells Dan “It’s your word. It’s your word.” We know what he means, but it’s great to see Jessie’s last words in the house make no sense. As he opens the door, there is one person clapping very loudly. At first I thought it must be Keesha, but turns out it was the audience wrangler. Wait. Was it? Back in the house, someone is clapping in rhythm. Who the hell is it?

No one says a thing. They just silently wait around for the ice to be broken, but it never is. Ollie holds up three fingers to count, but he doesn’t get very far before he shuts up. Michelle stalks angrily all over the house in her unitaaahd and glittery high heels, and it’s just beautiful. I LOVE IT. Everyone is afraid of her, and they should be. She acted like an asshole even when she was trying to impress a guy, now all bets are off. She keeps staring them all down like she’s gonna bite them as she walks the house looking absolutely ridiculous. HAHA.

Nope huh uh. Wadn’t me. Maybe they miscounted? Rerun, count again!

Then Michelle goes to the relaxation room, and as if she’s figured out the America’s Player thing, she looks straight at us and punches her fist. Damn.

Ok, this isn’t funny anymore. Sorry, hon! You’re so perty! There are other fishes….please don’t hit me.

Out with the bot, Jessie is trying his hardest not to cry. LOL. Chen asks him what he meant with “your word. Your word” and Jessie spits out English words that don’t go together. He does get one dig in, though, by telling America that Dan doesn’t even go to church on Sunday and he’s a Catholic. Ooooh. I’ll bet St. Mary’s is all up in arms right now getting ready to refund his thithes and kick his ass to the curb for some lame non denominational Christian school to take pity on. Those non denoms are a bunch of hippies.

ChenChen asks him if he has any regrets, you know, like being a total asshole to everyone. His answer in quotations (because we never get to do it again waaah): “I actually don’t have one thing I regret cuz I called everybody out for face value. All their actions spoke and, again, more actions and then…initially I was gonna be going after Dan, Keesha and Libra, Libra being the head the tip of the arrow, so…” What was the question?

Big girls cry, too.

Chen mentions the fact that a bunch of the HG’s called him arrogant to his face and he tells her only one did that. She looks down at her cards, cuz that’s a load of crap, and asks him who. His answer: “Keesha. Keesha did, but I don’t think by me being on the block three out of four weeks and the other time me being HOH I don’t see how I ever felt safe or…as far as I’m concerned my name and arrogance shouldn’t be the same sentence.” Then Julie says “Shouldn’t be in the zame ssnenssszzzz”. He’s shorted out the bot! She names HG’s and asks him to describe them in one word. He’s like “woah. One word?” And she’s like “one word only. Only ONE WORD.” And he’s like “one?” and she’s all “one!”

Jerry: He’s in really good shape.

Let’s try this again. ONE WORD.

Renny: She was a trip the first week and she smells like a woman’s bathroom.

The audience starts snickering at his stupidity, which is not nice. They should wait until they are in the privacy of their own homes to snicker at him on the internet, like people with manners do. He says he’s proud of Michelle and Libra’s very deviant. I’m assuming that he means devious, but it’s kinda fun to think of Libra as a big ole perv. Jessie describes himself as “the man”. I’m impressed because he got close to one word, and he didn’t mention his giant back.

In the goodbye messages, April says that she didn’t have this planned. Michelle says everyone is a bunch of liars and she will personally hurt each and every one of them. Memphis says that he assumes since all Jessie did all week was sleep and eat that someone told him a lie so see ya, sucka. Libra tells Jessie he’s a pain in the ass and she hopes he gets run over as soon as he leaves the studio, Keesha throws him the finger and tells him to f his mother, and Renny rolls her head and sarcastically gives him a “sayonara, a hole!” I heart Renny. Jessie rolled his eyes through the whole video, but when it’s over he looks completely shell shocked.

But…I’m hot! And my my back…!

Julie points out that the HG’s look more tired than usual. I only noticed Michelle, but I’ll go with her on this one. She shows us clips of last night. America called in and recorded a bunch of annoying wake up calls that blared over the intercom all night long. Jerry actually said “screw you!” to America, which is awesome. Then, later, he yelled at the producers for some ear plugs. HA. I think they meant for you to be annoyed, Jer. The HOH competition is a true or false quiz based on the calls. Rerun and Renny are the first out, and everyone in the next round is eliminated except for Libra and Michelle! Please let Michelle win this one so we can see her revenge….and she wins! She is super humble about it. She screams and woooohs for and jumps up and down and calls everyone a traitor and promises Jessie that she’ll make them paaaaaayyyyy!!! And ps please hug the turtle. He’s insecure. GAME OWAAN!

Julie gathers the HGs back in the living room and asks Michelle how it feels to be a winner. Michelle woos and says that after the horrible life week she’s had she deserves to be HOH. She deserves it! WOOOHOOOO! Then she screams a personal hello to each and every one of her pets until Julie stops her because it’s a live show and time’s running out. Julie asks Memphis excitedly how it feels to still be in the house and he shrugs and says “good”. What charisma. I hope we’re stuck with this pasty lump til the end. Next, Julie asks Jerry if it was harder serving in the armed forces or being in the Big Brother house and he says that he got free sex in both places but it’s nice here because he never has to give a reach around. He ends with Michelle’s “GAME ON!” How could Michelle put you on the block now, you fox? This Sunday, one HG from each past season is going to show up to compete with these year’s yo yos. I’m crossing my fingers for Jenius. So what do you guys think? Are you glad to see Jessie go? Is Michelle going to be a kind, calm leader? Will April call Keesha a bitch a million times behind her back and then pretend nothing’s wrong?

***As you guys know, this is a spoiler free zone, but if you wanna see what’s happening on the live feeds and After Dark, check out Cherie, Tink, Giff, and Chooch’s feed recaps in the forums! xo