Big Brother: Christ Takes a Stand Against Numerology

Tonight, on Big Brother…

Is Chelsia pregnant with a giant moley mohawked baby, or is champagne a bloater?

We start with booming announcer guy reminding us that everyone left hates Nat. Moose and Ryan say that it might be smart to keep someone who would automatically lose in the final two, but come on. We’ve all seen this show and we know that even though tonight’s outcome is inevitable, Groedner will shovel a bunch of crap down our throats to get us to sit our fat pasty asses down for another hour instead of seeing what’s going on over on USA’s Law and Order: Special Victims Unit repeats. You know Mariska Hargitay’s being chased, or stalked, or just generally being disrespected by child molesters. Good times.

The bot is dressed like she was the very first day she was given to us as a gift. Member that shiny, sweet little bot with a fake flower double sided taped to her? We thought wow, she’ll cook, she’ll clean…nope. She’ll just stutter and cross her legs and bang rich old dudes who run tv studios. That’s all well and good, but why is my house still dirty?

Pick up a toilet brush and make yourself useful, Rosie.

Anyhoo, The Chen catches us up on the same info booming announcer guy gave us: The world hates Natalie. She tells us that the men are in control, but are they smart enough to wield their power without hurting themselves? We all know the answer to that. If they were any smarter, we would be watching SVU. Smart people solving crimes at 8PM on a Wednesday = cable subscription. Stupid neanderthals quoting pink pleather Bibles = priceless.

Flashback to Sheila tearfully replacing Moose with Nat on the block. Oh boo hoo, Sheila. All she did was talk about how she was gonna slice Nat’s Bible and serve it to her on a platter, have the balls to do it! When you boo hoo it just makes you as fake and pathetic as…well, everyone else. I don’t know what I was expecting. Nat handing Sheila that HOH was probably the dumbest move made yet this season, but it taught us something. Don’t help the needy! If they ask you for money, throw a diet coke can at their head and trust that someone in the government will hook them up with some cold soup and a hole-y blanket infected with ebola and get rid of them. Isn’t that why we pay taxes?

Ah, but I digress. Nat fucked up and now she is gonna pay. Sharon tells us that it’s an absolute pleasure being on the block with someone who is so delightfully ignorant of the fact that her ass is going home, and Sheila gets cocky with us, saying that Nat is out and “buhbye”. Yeah, you’re a badass, which is why you had to be handed your only win in the entire game. Sheila becomes more and more entertaining by the moment, but come on. Shut up, you fucking weakling. Your saggy ate up ass would be outta there had this nitwit not stepped up to the plate and helped you.

Nat goes to find Moose and Ryan lying around and playing Candyland. Kidding! They’re reading the Bible, duh! Moose asks her what they should do and she says that she has never lied to them and they should keep her. Ryan tells us that Nat is playing both sides and can’t be trusted. I love that it’s Ryan saying that. He’s had deals with every single member of the game so far. Ah, but guys with sculpted model jaws can’t be expected to, you know, remember things.

E=MC2jawed

Later, Ryan finds Moose, who’s decided to butch up the pink Bible with a piece of blue cloth, to decide what to do this week since they have all the power. It goes as you might expect: “Duh” “Dude!” “Yo!” What the…” “We have power!” “Let’s ask everyone else what we should do.” Smooth.

They decide to have a house meeting, and when Nat comes in for her hourly “you better not put me on the block or God will smite your fat asses” routine, they inform her of the pow wow. They won’t tell her what it’s about, but to be fair, I don’t think they know yet.

Nat runs to Sheila to bitch about the boys and says she refuses to follow them around and deal with their bs meetings, which of course gets under Sheila’s skin. What could those guys be thinking? Dear Sheila, your reign of power has come to an end. The veto nomination has happened, and now we are all going back to the good ole days where you can’t win a competition if a free bush trim depended on it. Shut your stupid face, k? Love, Flip.

The next scene is interesting on many levels. Ryan and Moose try to get their little meeting convened and Nat refuses, because her roots need some serious work and she’s just mixed the dye. Now, straight guys don’t get it, but come on. Nat’s roots are fucking blinding and she did just make the mix. Can we get some compassion, here? The boys decide to not take no for an answer and hold the meeting with Nat in the bathroom. Moose has the Bible firmly in his grip, and Sharon protests against having church in the bathroom. My father has a Bible on the commode and gets as Christian as possible during his morning poo, and he is the most devout man I’ve ever known. Sharon, just deal.

Sheila sits with her hands behind her head because, well, no one’s told her that her days with power are DONE,…

What is this, The Tudors?

…and Sharon hides behind a lamp. Seriously. She hides behind a fucking lamp.

Wadn’t me.

Nat says that she doesn’t even want to take part in this bs meeting because she knows she’s going home and she’s stressed enough being on the block. And where’s the pink Bible? You think you can just put a book cover on Jesus and get away with it?

Ryan confronts Nat about playing both sides. She promised her allegiance to the boys, and she promised it to the girls. Well, yes. That’s true, Ryan. But you have promised your allegiance to Nat, Sheila, Moose, and Sharon. How is that different? Besides the obvious midget-facedness? Nat says openly that her true allegiance is to the boys and after she talked to the girls she was always sure to report back to them and tell them what was what.

Ryan keeps breathing hard and insisting that she’s been caught in some intricate web of lies and intrigue, and instead of saying fuck you, you’re the one about to stab me in the back after I made sure your ass was safe and handed the veto to the old lady, she concentrates on her roots. Come on, woman. Think! Sharon never moves from behind that lampshade, and I kinda love her for it, but it’s also the reason I can never get behind Sharon. She’s done NOTHING, and will continue to til the very end if they let her.

Sheila tries to pipe in with her senseless drama and Moose shushes her. LOL. When Nat admits that her loyalty is to the boys, Sheila defensively says “so you would put me up on the block and evict me?!?” HULLO, cooze shot. Yes. Did you forget that you just put Nat on the block? Holy Jesus, when did you start turning out models this fucking stoopid?

You’re a real Jessica Fletcher, Sheila.

Moose and Ryan convened this meeting basically because they wanted an apology. Nat half asses it, knowing she’s going home anyway, and Sheila gets hellapissed. She tells us that those two are clowns and they may have ruined her plan of backdooring Nat. HAH. No, my guess is they will make you do your own dirty work FOR ONCE.

Alone in their pink room, Moose says that he feels bad for Nat but Ryan doesn’t like that she is playing all sides and since he hasn’t made as much as an ass of himself as he could, he takes Moose to find Nat again. This time, she does the only thing she can do. She cries. She reminds them that she has never put either one of them on the block and has been honest with them about trying to screw the girls over, which to my recollection, is true. Kinda. In a roundabout way. Moose and Ryan both forgive her and hug her, but who knows what the hell is happening now? These two are dumb as Thanksgiving day stuffing.

At this point I just figure, it was fun watching you count things and insist that God is speaking to you through gerbils, Nat. Bye, now. But then she makes the smartest move she can. She gets the two big boned boys in the kitchen by frying some beef and then she sits and waits for Sharon to come out from behind the lamp shade. Once she’s got her, she asks her flat out why she’s talking smack about her and lying about her to “my boys, here.” She quotes Sharon’s “bros before hos” line and then sits there with an innocent, quizzical face as Sharon squirms. All Sharon’s done is repeat what everyone’s said! She hasn’t done anything wrong! If anyone had been listening, they would have heard Sharon admit to spreading supposedly private info to anyone and everyone who could hear, but this is Nat, Moose and Ryan we’re talking about, so it slides right by.

Your cross looks hot in that bikini.

Guess what? It’s still a full moon! HAHAHAHA. Come on, camera men. You’re there all day and night. Shoot some B roll. Ryan and Moose make their way up to the HOH suite to see if Sheila’s got any Cheetos left and she starts nagging them about turning on her and possibly keeping Nat. Moose says that the only reason they were going to get rid of her in the first place was because “of your feelings, bitch, a’ight?? ” LOL and cheers, Moose. Fucking finally. She kicks them both out and starts planning on how she’s gonna get the next sucker to hand her a competition win. Should she use the fact that her mom wouldn’t speak to her until she got on TV or that her son’s almost old enough to run as far away as possible and never look back? Tough decisions.

Coming up next, Hobo Hank has some surprising words for his girlfriend in the sequester house. I hope they’re “I blew a guy for a carton of peanut m and m’s”, but I kinda doubt it. Unfortunately, gay porn is off the table when we come back from break. The bot asks Sharon and Sheila why they were so quiet during the boys’ meeting with Nat. Sharon says that being a huge pussy has kept her alive this long, and Sheila says that she was thrown under the bus by Nat when she said that she would put her on the block. Man, Sheila is really a piece of work. The bot doesn’t say “but didn’t you just put her on the block like a second ago?”. Instead, she presses Sheila about not saying anything at the time and Sheila says that if she had answered she would have been exposed as the big fat liar that she is. Kidding! She dodged it.

Ryan says that he held the meeting because he wanted to be fair to Nat. Riight. The bot moves on and asks them if they were in the final two, would they rather be sitting next to someone deserving or someone who they could beat? Each one of them demonstrates what good people they are by answering that they would rather be up against someone who deserves half a million dollars. Good luck finding someone like that on this show.

Let’s visit sequester! Chelsia still misses her gbf, Josh still makes me sick to my stomach every time I see his lazy eyed crooked smile crackhead Chandler Bing face and he is still mortified that he was beat by Nat (hahahahaha), and Matt is still working out a lot. When Hobo Hank arrives, everyone but Matt is sad, which makes me very, very happy. I just pause on this pic for a bit and smoke.

To having a couch to sleep on instead of pee stained sidewalks! Cheers!

Next, James pops in the tape of him losing the veto, and then he tells his friends what he learned. He was evicted because of Chelsia’s nasty attitude! HAHAHAH. Yeah James, it had nothing to do with the fact that you became a total C word the second you tasted power, or that you lied and went back on your promises, or because you smell like milk that’s been left out. Blame the chick! What. A fucking. WUSS.

Chelsia leaves the room crying like someone told her to hang herself like her dead dad or something. She can’t believe she got the only person she cared about evicted! James comes in with a huge smile on his face and forgives her. He tells her that he came in a homeless kid with no money, and he’s leaving a broke homeless kid with a horrible person as his girlfriend. Yay and UGH. Good, now you two can go back to your connect the moles games and get off my damn tv.

Moose and Ryan both tell us how CONFUSED they are, and then it’s time for please keep me speeches. Sharon’s is utterly shocking. She tells everyone off and says to man up and grow some balls and f them if they think she gives an f about what those cocksuckers think… Kidding! She smiles and says thanks and if it’s her time it’s her time. Then Nat stands up and thanks BB for having her on the show and begs the boys to keep her, solidifying her desperation with a Bible quote. Oh man. I love that people who name drop Jesus every five minutes forget how he was evicted.

HE WAS CRUCIFIED, MORONS.

Ryan votes against Nat, and Moose votes against Sharon, which leaves Sheila with all the power (argh. So you had a drop of power left after all. My bad). Nat dug her own grave here, and of course Sheila says that Nat admitted to being on the boys side so she’s out. Nat cries, and she should cry. She fucked herself the minute she decided “to be a good person and drop, so bye!” So bye.

Sheila is pissed that the boys put her in such a horrible position. She’s supposed to be able to sit back and back stab and lie without anyone knowing she’s doing it so it makes sense when she’s dry sobbing in her goodbye videos! Why the hell should she step up and do anything to make her mere existence at this point make any kind of sense at all? Nat cries and tells Julie that she’s shocked and blah blah. The bot asks her why she played all sides and why she was dishonest, but she never asks why she let the old slag win in the first place. This is why the bot needs to be dismantled, people.

The goodbye messages are all bs, and frankly I am sick of Sheila fake crying to win everyone’s vote in the end. You’re only here because even the weakest links know they can beat your ass any time they need to. Nat still cries and believes this bull honky, and me thinks there will be lots of faceless mermaid paintings hanging around the sequester house after a couple of days have passed.

I’m sorry you’re goawan!

Today’s HOH competition is a true or false game. Basically, America hated Jacob’s bangs enough to give him the fewest votes for the mystery box, the toy in the gerbil cage is just a toy, there’s no way in hell Chelsia is 21, the number 8 doesn’t mean crap, Amanda wasn’t faking her illness or her idiocy, Chelsia and James are still banging and still disgusting anyone who can see, smell or hear, and there IS another pre-existing relationship in the house!?!?!?!? WTF???? Holy shit that’s awesome. This leaves Ryan and Sharon in a tie. The next question is how old is Sheila really? Whoever is closest to the real number without going over wins. Ryan chooses 310 and wins over Sharon’s one hundred something. Midget face in the house! Poor Sharon can’t catch a break. I hope she gets smart and does absolutely nothing this week.

OK, who is the third couple?!?!?!?!?!?