Big Brother: Cogitus Interruptus

Previously: Big Brother layeth the smacketh down.

Ranger Ron and Ranger Russ gave us lessons on snakes and mongooses. Or is it mongeese?

Post-nomination reactions: It’s Tuesday, which means frenemies Ronnie and Russell are on the outs again. Russell’s put Ronnie up to see where the house’s loyalties are. Jeff says he and Jordan are laying low this week. And he’s not kidding, because that’s the last we hear of either of them for the whole rest of the episode. Also, Lydia impersonates various singers circa 1985.

Billy Idol

George Michael

Ronnie says he has no shame in crying to get sympathy. Sympathy? Who said anything about sympathy? Amused disgust is more like it, so no need to hold back the shame there, Bunky. He apologizes to Russell for calling him a liar that one time when Russell was listening at the door. He attempts to work up a tear, and is terrible at it. Russell, the actual cause of Ronnie’s last bout of waterworks, is not even close to fooled. “Ronnie has made his bed and now he can lie in it and I’ll be more than happy to put the tombstone on his grave.” Russell would also be happy to sell Ronnie under the bus and put the last nail in his coffin, but there’s a two-metaphor limit this week. I’m actually starting to like Russell. What does that say about this season?

After Ronnie leaves, the Fugly Parade continues in the HOH room. On deck is Chia, who is looking for a different sort of response from Russell.

If you’re going to stroke your bottle, please do it under the blanket.

Chia is campaigning for Ratalie and Jessie, who want Lydia out. Russell says he wants Ronnie gone first and has the votes to do it. Speaking of Jessalie, they magically appear in the HOH room thanks to the miracle of crappy editing. Chia tells them “the plan is to vote Lydia out, Russell and I discussed it.” Russell says “The hell we did!” and goes on to argue with Chia about who is taking what too personally. Forget the showmance, Russell and Chia apparently have the first showmarriage in Big Brother history. Russell gives a very well-reasoned argument about how Ronnie should go home because he’s proved he’s untrustworthy. Unfortunately, he follows that up with “Ronnie’s gonna say what he needs to say to appease to you,” which kinda detracts from the well-reasoned thing, but considering that this is Jessie he’s talking to, he should be ok.

After the break, House Goombah Ratalie attempts to convince Michele to vote out Lydiot and keep Ronnie. Strangely, her argument is that Lydiot is a floater. So? Being a floater this year is like being a member of Chill Town in Season 7. Everyone’s had a turn. If anyone’s a floater, it’s Michele. Ratalie fails to get a commitment out of Michele, so she calls in the Big Guns. Jessie does no better.

“I’ve never HAD friends before, you guys! It’s HARD!”

(Irony Alert: the last few seasons of BB have pretty much come down to big alliances duking it out, with a couple of floaters caught in between. So this year, they tried to just skip the part where people make their own alliances, and did the clique thing instead. And what happened? Shifting alliances and lots more floaters. I love it.)

Anyway, the editors can only milk so much drama out of what has turned out to be a yawner of a week so far, so hey everybody, it’s time to pick players for the veto competition! Lydiot hopes she draws Kevin’s name, because “he’s my sugar bear.” And because the words “sugar bear” and “fierce competitor” are often heard together. Russell draws Michele, Ronnie draws Jessie and Lydiot draws Sugar Bear. What is this crap? This is the best possible result. I bet those bags are full of all the same names. Russell chooses Chia to host.

And to do everyone’s hair.

There’s a big sign with “Vini Vidi Veto” on it. Now I don’t know much Latin, and like I would admit it if I did, but I’m pretty sure “Vini” means something to do with “wine”. Maybe this is going to be a drinking game? Grodner, I know you’re reading, so three words: Quarters For HOH. I’ll bill you later. Included in the décor is a real live model dressed up as a gladiator. His sole purpose: making Jessie jealous. “C’mon, this guy’s lubed up with baby oil. This ain’t even fair.”

“Are you really? Can I borrow some?”

Unfortunately, I don’t see any booze after all, so looks like this is is either going to be a guessing game or a Concentration-type game. How many things can you remember, and all that. One of the items is a cage full of rats.

“Have you seen our cousin in the Arizona State sweats? She escaped last month and we can’t find her anywhere.”

All the contestants are in Rome-meets-Jeopardy game show booths, with mangled pseudo-Latin versions of their names on them. Like “Jessephus.” And “Lydius”. Lydia’s already a Latin name, isn’t it? Or maybe it’s Greek. Same diff.

Chia–sorry, I mean “Chimacus”–explains the rules: she’s going to ask how many of a certain item, and everybody guesses the answer and then you can choose to stay in or fold. Or, as “Russicus” helpfully says, “It’s a poker game without cards.” Meaning yet another make-up-some-random-numbers game. But any competition is going to be lame after last week’s Giant Diploma Of Awesome. Best moment of the season by a mile so far.

First question: Count the jewels on Chimacus’s chariot. Chimacus can’t pronounce any of the Latin names, which is hilaricus. Russicus folds, which he says is his way of seeing how aggressively everyone else is playing. Now I played some poker back before it was cool, and I haven’t played much since, but isn’t that bassius-ackwardus? Aren’t you supposed to play aggressively to scare other players off? Jessephus–aw, I can make up better names than these–Narcissus Majorus shows Roidius Ragio how it’s done by being the only one who doesn’t fold, winning a point. Duckius was only off by one and would have won if he hadn’t folded. Caveat emptor.

Next question: how many arrows are stuck in the shield? They scribble furiously with their feather pens, which BTW apparently came from the 50% Off bin at Dollarus Generalicus. This time Roidius, Duckius and Narcissus Douchebagius decide to stay. This is OK with Dorkimus Prime, because apparently his strategy is to push everyone else out of the game by folding. Has any of these people ever actually played poker? Roidius gets a point cuz he’s the closest. Duckius is eliminated because his answer was the farthest off. Requiem in pace, Duckius.

Third question: How many grapes on the plate? You have to be kidding me. I’ve played along so far, but I draw the line at games my 2-year-old plays at snacktime. And she could whip these losers, because everyone’s way off. Frizzica Maxima claims there are 907 grapes on the plate. No. Way. This thing is so rigged. Now Roidius is up by a point over Narcissus.

Fourth question: How many marks on the gladiator’s belt? This is a flimsy excuse to get Russell and Jessie to stare at the crotch of another, studlier man. Jessie folds, probably in the literal sense. Michele stays in and wins a point.

Vidi, vici, veni. Look it up.

Fifth question: How many of Natalie’s relatives are in the cage? Now, before I go any further, remember that 1) this woman has a Ph.D. and 2) I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Michele, thinking the other contestants might be intimidated by her special rat-counting abilities (because scientists, you know, do stuff with rats) bids low to fool everyone else into bidding low. Michele must have gotten her Ph.D. in Bizarro Poker, because IT WORKS. One point to Eggheadis Bimbonica.

Question number six: How many feathers in the helmet?

I said the helmet, not the Chelmet.

Michele and Jessie are the only ones to not fold. Michele comes closest and wins Power of Veto for the second time in a row. And as she notes in the DR, not only does she have POV, she also has the swing vote. Wow, someone else decided to start playing the game! Ronnie, pretending not to be worried, says everyone has a price and he’s going to find out what hers is.

Not as high as you might think.

During the commercial break, I fire up YouTube and watch the Hardee’s Name Our Holes commercial instead. Highly recommended. The commercial, not the holes. I haven’t tasted their holes.

After the competition, Ronnie wastes no time cornering Michele in the bathtub room. “I’m not above begging,” he says. Why stop at begging? I want to see you cry again. CRY, for crying out loud! He offers her a spot in the Athletes + Ronnie + Chia alliance. “We’ll talk” is all she says. Michele runs straight to Russell and drags him to the HOH room to bargain, while Jessalie hangs around outside the door pretending to play chess and eat sour grapes.

“And by interesting, I mean ‘has 47-inch biceps and looks awesome in a gorilla suit.’”

Afterward, because Ronnie hasn’t screwed the pooch quite hard enough yet–the pooch being Michele–he takes another shot at her. He throws Lydia and Kevin under the bus, saying Team Nutty in Pink doesn’t owe her anything and can’t be trusted. Then he warns her that Jessalie will come after her if she votes him out, “and then the cheese stands alone”. So he’s going to win her loyalty with backstabbing and threats and silly metaphors? Remind me why we thought this guy was a good player?

After the break, there’s trouble in the showmarriage. Chia gets all snippy about Lydia being Russell’s girlfriend. Or maybe it’s Michele. Russell complains that Chia is going all Fatal Attraction on him and the editors throw in a sample of her nutty cackling to prove it. This is the weekly Veto Headfake: their halfhearted attempt at making us think the HOH is going to put someone random up on the block. I’m not buying. Chia goes to Jessie to complain about Russell complaining about her. Jessie nods and rolls his eyes at appropriate points. Seriously, I have no clue what this conversation is about.

And neither does Jessie.

Evidently Chia didn’t get much out of that convo either, because now she’s complaining to Ronnie about Michele. Ronnie is happy to bash the person he’s counting on to save him. “She has a bunch of book smarts, no common sense,” says the nerd about the geek. Hey, what’s that noise outside the door? Yep, it’s Russell snooping again. Just in case they didn’t notice, in comes Ratalie to tell on him, and tell them that THANKS TO THEM, Russell figured out that Chia’s in cahoots with Jessalie and Ronnie. Just in case Russell hasn’t quite put two and two together and is still in doubt, Jessie pops in too so the gang can all get together. Much whispering, none of which is subtitled, which is weird.

But not this weird.

Ya know, Chia is right about one thing: Russell has turned really paranoid tonight. He’s HOH, he should be acting like it, not supposed to be thinking the whole house is against him.

Maybe that giant jar of creatine will take the edge off the steroid withdrawal.

Here’s a plug for the coup d’etat power. I can’t think of anyone who deserves it. Even Russell is disappointing tonight. But now that we’ve successfully wasted most of an hour, let’s get the veto meeting over with. Michele has the floor. “Ronnie, I’ll give you the chance to lie first, I mean speak first.” Bwahahaha. Ronnie keeps his speech short, since he’s done enough damage already. Lydiot’s speech is all whatever, dude. Total downer. Michele, bouncing in her Merona flats with self-importance, announces that she’s decided to use the POV on…

…DRAMA…

…no one! Hah! Fooled ya! Right? Right?

Post-veto reactions: everyone says lines have been drawn in the house, no doubt prompted by talking points from the poducers. Russell says he and Michele are allies. Ronnie says for the 24th time that he’s not done fighting. YAWN. Anywho, this is the last chance they have to get Ronnie out before the jury house, so let’s hope they take it or we’re stuck with him for the rest of the season.

Pax!