Big Brother: Crazy Like a FOX!

We begin tonight’s episode in the middle of the HoH endurance comp. Man, this whole two episodes in a row thing means I’m recapping the whole competition. It’s like, how many different ways can I say ‘some losers prop themselves up in a box’? First of all, Natalie looks mad skanky in her box. She’s spread eagle, awkwardly positioned, and is probably not wearing a bra. All encased in glass like that, she looks like a slutty entomology project. Sharon yells at us in the HOH about how she’s the “last man standing” from her alliance, so she has to win. They all celebrate the eviction of James, with Natalie throwing some more ridiculous numerology at us about how it all had to do with the number nine and that means that it was God’s master plan, because seven plus two is nine and so is four and five, or whatever the hell. You know what I’m guessing? I bet Natalie watches LOST and has a whole bunch of ridiculous conspiracy theories that she posts on the internet. She’s probably all “Ben and Kate are actually the same person!” on some message board somewhere.

Natalie blabs her ass of in her glass cage of emotion (I’m sorry, I had to) forever and ever, and Sharon speaks for all of us by rolling her eyes repeatedly at Natalie. She follows up by saying that her back hurts and dropping out of the comptetion. I maybe would have tried a bit harder if I were her, but you know. Adam carries her to a chair like it’s the end of The Bodyguard, for some reason.

Ryan is all sweaty and it’s gross, and tells us all about how “Team Christ” (gag) is running the house. Sheila starts trying to guilt trip everyone into giving her HOH by telling them that she wants to see the photos of her kids and bringing this personal stuff down upon them. After 56 minutes, all three people are still up in the boxes. Natalie and Sheila have this passive-aggressive argument about winning and never giving up and how it wouldn’t mean anything to win if everyone just gives up. Keep that one in mind when Sheila is telling us how hard she worked for the win here in a little bit. Ryan tells Adam that he has “scabs” on his hands. Yeah, that’s because his knuckles are dragging on the ground all of the time.

After two hours, everyone is still up. Adam and Sharon go inside at the same time to run some errands (which doesn’t seem wise, given the situation). The three remaining outside, of course, start making deals with each other to put up Adam and Sharon. They agree to throw the competition to Sheila, as long as she won’t nominate either of them. Sheila tells us that her only priority is to protect Adam, even if that means putting him up. Wait….how does that make sense?

They decide to slowly drop out so that it doesn’t look like they made a deal. Ryan immediately takes a fall, and Natalie starts to equivocate and act completely dumb for what seems like hours. Sharon takes up for Sheila, because she knows that Natalie is putting on an act. Natalie says, out loud, “What would Jesus do?” Really, Natalie? REALLY? Sharon is like “are you kidding? Jesus would drop.” I don’t know about that. I bet Jesus was probably a pretty competitive guy.

Sheila starts to worry that Natalie is going to “reneg” on the deal. Natalie starts acting and making a big deal way, way too much, talking and going on and on, which Sharon starting at her sarcastically the whole time. Sharon effing hates Natalie, you can totally tell. Natalie is all “my good nature makes me want to drop!” which is ridiculous. You are not allowed to call yourself “good natured”, it’s against the rules. So Natalie finally drops out and Sheila is HOH. Sheila tells us how proud she is about what she accomplished, because nobody thought she could win or believed that she was such a strong player in competitions. Hint: you still aren’t. She even freaking hits her head on the ground as she drops out of the box. It’s like she can’t even fall on her face correctly.

Adam quickly realizes what’s up, and he’s pretty unhappy about having to go on the block. For some reason, he’s mad at Natalie for dropping, even though he was probably going to go up anyway. Sheila then drops the bomb on us by telling us that Natalie is the one who’s her real target. She says “I said I wouldn’t put her up, I didn’t say anything about backdooring her!” like she’s a freaking genius. But, in order to backdoor someone, would you have to, I don’t know, PUT THEM UP? Sheila is completely ass backwards in her logic. She’s like a walking Doctor Seuss book.

Time to see Sheila’s HOH bedroom! There are pictures of her kid from school, and they use the same crazy neon background that they’ve been using in those pictures since the seventies. The photos are pretty embarrassing. Sheila’s kid is probably mortified. She also has a letter from him, that Ryan reads to the entire house, who sits together in suspense. This is how you can tell that they’re all really bored. The letter reads as follows: “Dear Mom: I’m doing good, things are fine. The dog says hi. Love, Sheila’s son.” And Sheila? She cries, of course. And who wouldn’t? It’s such a heartwarming letter, with lots of personal and emotional revelations!

Sheila also gets a second letter from her sister, but that one is equally as boring. When she finishes reading that one, Adam is crying as well. Sheila tells us that she “needs that letter more than (she) needs to breathe”. Really? REALLY? Because I don’t think you’d be able to enjoy said letter if you were, I don’t know, DEAD. Sheila is so insane, y’all. And yet, I don’t hate her nearly as much as I did like two weeks ago.

In the massage room, Adam and Sheila talk while Sheila gives Adam a massage. Of course, they are talking about Sheila’s favorite subject, which is Sheila. More specifically, how awesome and strong and magnificent Sheila is, and how everyone should love her. Adam’s all trying to enjoy his massage and putting her off, all “Yeah, I do! I do!” even though you can tell that he is totally not paying attention.

Wow, that scene was both riveting and pertinent to the show. Time filler: it’s what the last few weeks of Big Brother are for.

Later, Sharon, Sheila and Adam all sit up in the HOH and talk about nominations this week. Sheila gives it to them straight, telling them that they’re both going up, but once the veto competition takes place, they’re going to put up Natalie and backdoor her. This makes Adam feel slightly better, but he still doesn’t want to go up on the block. Also, I’m not sure Sheila has completely thought this out, because Ryan is most likely going to have Natalie’s back, which will put Sheila in the uncomfortable position of having to break a tie vote on live television.

After the commercial, the houseguests sit around the table drinking and talking about turn-ons. Adam’s biggest turn-on is a pretty face, and Ryan’s is a butterface, I think. Whenever Ryan starts talking I like to take short naps, so I’m not sure what exactly he said. Adam also likes it when girls talk dirty to him. I bet that’s some crazy Freudian thing that has to do with the fact that Adam himself can barely speak conversant English. Sharon likes “eyes and teeth”, and then the editors do the meanest/greatest thing ever, which is to cut to Adam’s giant eyes and huge grill.

Then Sheila tells us that her perfect guy is a cross between Evel Dick and Dr. Will. The editors then helpfully mash together one of those computerized things that you can get at the amusement park where couples get to see what their baby would look like, and it’s always, like, an alien garbage eating monster, and then they put it on their fridge and it looks all hideous and all you can do is feel sorry for them whenever you go to grab a Coke while you’re over visiting them. Except the cross between Dick and Will? Is probably also a Cylon. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Sheila grabs Ryan and takes him up to the HOH. She makes him promise that if he wins the veto, that he’ll use it to take Adam off the block. She’s actually very persuasive in the way she talks to him, despite the fact that she has nothing to offer in return. It’s fairly impressive. The smart thing to do is not to tip your hand about the Natalie thing and wait until Ryan actually wins before saying anything, but still, not a bad play on her part. Ryan then immediately goes down and talks to Natalie, who tells Ryan that it was actually a good idea to drop out of HOH this week so that they can play in the (more important) competition next week. Well, veto is the most important thing when there are four left, but whatever. Sheila has Adam up in the HOH telling him that she’s sorry that she has to put him up, but it sort of takes the attention off of them because they’re the last remaining couple. Cut to Natalie, noting selfsame. Sheila might be crazy, but I think I’m slowly growing to respect her. WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME?

Time for nominations! Sheila does the stupid pensive memory wall stare, and we get to see Natalie’s scary photo yet again. Sheila brings the big key box into the kitchen, which now only has two keys in it. She begins the ceremony by immediately crying, because she is both nuts and smart. Sheila is the first person in history who is actually Crazy Like a Fox. Natalie’s key comes out first, then Ryan’s, so Adam and Sharon are nominated, as expected. Sheila tells Adam that since he nominated her, eye for an eye and whatnot. Yeah, why is Adam being a bitch about this when he did the same thing to her last week? I hadn’t even thought about that. Then she turns around and wishes Sharon good luck on the POV, which I thought was straightforward and honest, at least.

Boy, I really hope this whole getting rid of Natalie thing pans out, because that would rule. She’s gotten way too full of herself, and it would be awesome if she got knocked out, I must say.