Big Brother: Donnie Darko Edition

Previously, on Big Brother, I went to Lollapalooza for three days, and while I was away, the show got AMAZING. There were banners, and Dick went all insane and made me hate him even more, and Jen got really bitchy towards Daniele and Dick, finally, and I can’t wait to see what happens. Last week I was so tired of this show and all these people for following each other blindly instead of acting in their own interests, and now: this. Dear Whoever Sent That Banner: I realize that you’re probably kind of crazy (the whole ‘We <3 Nick' thing sort of tipped me off, because, um...nobody really does), but: thank you. Thank you for being coy about the America's Player twist by calling Eric a liar instead of directly revealing it, thank you for calling Amber a liar and making her look even worse than she already did, thank you for being willing to spend five hundred dollars or so just to screw with the minds of a bunch of idiots wearing bunny suits. And now, tonight's show.We color in just after nominations have taken place; Jen is sort of at the point where she no longer cares whether she is nominated or not, so Dick takes it upon himself to both make them feel bad and (since his plan is to actually get rid of Eric) make himself feel smarter by haranguing them about their continual nomination. Jen is typically aloof about it, because (like me, and, I suspect, most of the viewing audience) she considers Dick and his stupid shenanigans to be no longer interesting. I’m sure Dick thinks that he’s providing us with some sort of entertainment. In fact, I’m sure of it, because why the fuck else would he do this? To mess with Jen? Because she has been unaffected by pretty much everything he’s done to her since they both stepped into the house. Shut up, Dick. Also, get your nasty bare feet off the kitchen counter. That’s some communal shit, and no one needs your Lord of the Rings hobbit-ass feet where their chicken salad will eventually go.

In the backyard, Eric talks to Jess, Amber, and Dustin about the fact that Daniele is planning on putting him up after the veto competition takes place. Jess tells the rest of them about Daniele and Dick’s plan, and how it includes Jess herself as the swing vote. They need four votes to oust Eric, and they’re counting on Dick and Zach as two of those votes, Jen as a third after they take her off the block using the veto that they are presumably going to win, and Jess as the final vote. Dustin, Amber, and Jess agree right there that Dick and Daniele need to be taken care of (I concur, particularly the Dick part), and that they’ll be keeping Eric in the house this week no matter what happens, using Jameka’s vote as the fourth. Jess agrees to play along with Dick and Daniele to take them by surprise. Man, I hope this happens. It’s not that I particularly like Eric all that much, it’s that Kail is boring as shit and once she’s gone this whole thing will be much more enjoyable. Well, after Amber’s gone, too. And Dick. And Dustin. Can we just make this the Jen and Jessica show, please?

Also, it’s to their benefit to get rid of Kail, because at that point their alliance is officially the majority within the house, as five of a total nine remaining. If any one of them wins HoH, they all advance, simple as that. Why wouldn’t you create a majority when you had the chance? The only flaw is that this plan involves Amber advancing ever closer to the finals, which causes many of my vital organs to cease function. But at this point, she’s already on the jury anyway, so we’re all stuck with her until fucking September at this point. Seriously, can I have Dreamz back? Because she is terrible. Amber and Dreamz should have a Righteous-Off, where they shout back and forth about who is more loved by God. What? He plays favorites!

Up in the HoH, Zach tells Daniele that since he doesn’t really have anybody else to talk to (I wonder who could be at fault there), he’s more than happy to just do whatever she wants so that he can survive another week. Daniele goes on at length about how “they made” her vote Nick out last week and how she’s going to seek revenge and take care of the person who’s actually responsible. So, here’s the thing: you voted him out, sweetheart. Quit displacing your guilt and acting like it wasn’t your decision. It was. You had a choice, and you VOTED HIM OUT. So: stop with this bullshit “for Nick” stuff, because it sounds an awful lot like “for Cappy” to my ears, is all I’m saying.

Daniele gets all choked up with emotion as she talks to the person who DID NOT VOTE TO EVICT NICK all about how Nick got screwed and how it was totally unfair that her and all of her friends voted him out, because they had to, for reasons that have not yet been put into actual words by anyone. She tells us that she knows Zach’s going to do whatever she wants and that she can trust him because they have the “Nick Bond” (which, what does that look like? I don’t know, but I bet it smells funny), and then she’s all, “This week’s for Nick!”, which, given her actions, carries absolutely no weight. It would literally mean more if she were like, “This week’s for Carol!”

Back from the commercials, it’s time to pick players for the Veto Competition. Daniele picks Zach, Jen picks Dustin, and Kail picks ‘Houseguest’s Choice’ and chooses Jameka. Daniele chooses Amber as the host. This is when I started hoping for a tetherball tournament.

Amber comes out of the diary room with the veto instructions and immediately begins screaming at the top of her lungs, but she’s using the intonation of a cheerleader at a school for rhesus monkeys with special needs. She’s just screeching and she keeps jumping octaves, higher and higher until only dogs and certain species of bird can actually hear what she’s saying. It’s terrible.

The competition is called “The Numbers Don’t Lie”, but I got that off of the CBS website because Amber is talking like the Sesame Street character from hell; she is Elmo with a giant knife. She is erasing my childhood memories of that show as we speak. Like, she’s making me forget the alphabet and I no longer know how to share. Anyway, each situation Amber reveals will require the houseguests to bid, and the person who bids the lowest is eliminated from the competition. The person who bids the highest number will have to actually perform the action requested of them. So, the goal is to bid in the middle in order to stay in the game and not have to be punished at all.

The first item is called ‘Show Me The Bunny’ and asks the contestants how many hours they would be willing to wear the giant bunny suits currently hung up on the wall. They can bid anywhere from 0 to 120, meaning that they would have to wear the suit through the live show on Thursday. And, may I just pause here to tell you how sad I am that Dick is not participating in the competition, because the opportunity of seeing him screaming at Jen while wearing a giant bunny suit is just too good to pass up. Dustin bids the lowest at 100, so he’s out first. Daniele, Zach, Kail, and Jen all wrote 120, so they’ll be in suits until Thursday. Jameka escapes punishment by writing 110 and landing in the middle.

The next task is called ‘Dump the Funk’. I’m putting those words on a t-shirt immediately, right next to Amber’s picture. I’d like to propose a Tvgasm campaign involving Amber and Dick’s eviction with the slogan ‘Dump the Funk’. Who’s in? How many times, from 0 to 24, would the houseguests be willing to dump crap on themselves in order to stay in the competition? Everyone writes down 24, so everyone stays in the game. Also, everyone has to dump crap on themselves every hour for the next day. Enjoy sleeping!

After a stupid question involving money in which no one is eliminated, Amber asks the houseguests about ‘Sloppy Summer’, while she twiddles her necklace, AGAIN. How many hours (out of the next 30 days) are you willing to eat only slop in order to stay in the competition? Daniele has a small freakout over the whole slop thing; we’re supposed to feel bad for her, but in order to do that, I would have to like her. She manages to avoid the punishment by staying squarely in the middle, as does Jameka. Zach is eliminated for going too low, and Jen and Kail write down the full 30 days and are now on the slop diet for the next month. Congratulations, Kail, you are now officially Chicken George. Enjoy the mall appearances.

The next question is where things actually get interesting. It’s called ‘Power Shortage’, and asks how many HoH competitions you would be willing to skip (out of the next 5, so basically, all the way to final four, HOLY SHIT) in order to remain in the competition. Daniele thinks she’s going to be smart and guesses 3 with a big ol’ smirk on her face, but that is the lowest because Jameka has randomly and unpredictably written five for no particular reason, so Dani is out because Jen wrote 4, which was the right number to put. So now Jameka and Kail cannot compete for HoH until final four (man, that is harsh), Daniele is out of the competition, and Jen is awesomely scot-free. Jen tells us that Jameka giving up the next 5 HoH comps was kind of dumb for her, and…word. Jameka has no personal interest in the outcome this week. Unless you are nominated and know you’ll go home if you don’t win, I see no reason to do that. Daniele goes off into the corner and has a small freakout, which is Dick’s cue to go over and attempt to comfort her while she stands there wanting nothing more than for him to go away. He explains to her how if she had written 4 she would still have been eliminated due to Jameka’s random dedication to the veto, so she shouldn’t feel bad. A nice piece of logic from Dick, who is not normally known for piecing the puzzle together, if you know what I’m saying. The whole ‘Eric is responsible’ thing they’ve come up with, while factually correct, is not the result of logic or brilliant deduction. It’s the result of completely dumb luck, stemming from a desire to scapegoat somebody for the Nick boot in order to quell their own guilt over their hand in it. Namely, fuckin man up and live with it instead of blaming someone else for your actions, there, Phony and Clyde. It’s a game. Play it. End of story.

The final question is about how much of the prize money you’d be willing to give up in order to win the veto. Basically, if you want the veto, it’s going to cost you. Kail acts like she’s all smart and goes with the Jeopardy response of 248,999, like she’s going to win the veto without giving up any money. Here’s a hint: it’s the last question. You have to be the high bidder. Guessing a dollar below what you think the other people are going to guess is actually going to further your chances of being eliminated, not the other way around. Way to outsmart yourself, Chen Jennings.

Jen, of course, gives up the whole 250,000, so she wins the veto. Jen goes to claim it and checks the mirror to see how she looks wearing the neckalce, doing one of the many subtly awesome things she does expressly to piss off Dick. Dick tells us how happy he is that everything is going according to his plan. Man, his downfall, when it comes, is going to be tasty indeed. Dump the funk!

Back from the commercial, Jameka cries in the corner while the condemned try on their bunny suits. Amber and her overbite try to make Jameka feel better, telling her that she doesn’t have to worry because she still has Dustin and Amber. Yeah, that would make me feel loads better. “I’m not going to worry that I accidentally fucked myself, because I still have the guy who is becoming so full of himself that the night vision cameras catch him burping up his own body parts while he sleeps at night and the insane-o crying psycho who can’t keep her shit together long enough to bake a frozen pizza With them by my side, I am unstoppable! Let’s all sing a Randy Newman song.”

Jameka gets overwhelmed by the situation and runs off to the opposite end of the yard, where she kneels and prays on what I am pretty sure is Mike Boogie’s Jack Shack as the organ music cranks up. It actually gets really, really uncomfortable to watch as Jameka gets all churchy and honest with Jesus. And then: Jen saves the day. In my favorite moment of the entire episode, and possibly in the entire series up to this point, Jen walks directly into the shot of Jameka praying, wearing her bunny suit and messing with her microphone strap, and says, “Oh, GOD. Can we get white belts in here?”

I love her.

Jameka continues praying, including an extended portion in which she attempts to, according to the captions, “taste God”. I don’t know.

While Jameka starts dressing God with parsley or marinating Jesus in vinaigrette or whatever over by the jack shack, Jen turns around to the rest of the group, completely oblivious to Jameka, and says, with a huge smile on her face, “Now I’m going to hide the eggs.”

And that concludes the story of how Amber Versus The Tetherball was replaced as the best moment of the summer.

Daniele comes over to comfort Jameka (before she’s done with her prayer), and Jameka tells us in confessional that she doesn’t trust Daniele at all and really thinks that Dani isn’t that sorry about anything. She calls her a liar, saying that she’s “her father’s child”. The Holy Spirit has apparently told Jameka that Dani is not to be trusted. Also, the Holy Spirit tastes really good with a baked potato.

Dani and Jen talk in the HoH, and Dani tries to get Jen to promise that she will vote for whomever is against Kail. Dani words it like she has some sort of power over Jen for some reason, which she does not, but Jen agrees anyway because she knows Kail is her ally. Jen tries to get Dani to tell her who is going up in her place, but Dani is all coy about it and won’t tell Dani anything. But Jen, because Dani’s father has a giant yapper, has figured out that Eric is going to be put up in her place and puts Dani on the spot. Dani explains that she thinks Eric is the brains behind everything that’s gone on so far. Not to rain on Dani’s revenge parade (well, actually, yeah, to do just that) this couldn’t be farther from the truth, especially because he changed his tune to Kail after America told him to get rid of her last week and Dustin shut him down. This…is all incredibly dumb and stems from guilt, and Dani is horribly fake for acting all righteous about any of this after her hand in voting him out.

In the backyard, Dick has a talk with Jen in which he attempts to declare a truce, to which she agrees. He tells us that he’s doing it because they need Jen’s vote to evict Eric. He brings it up to the HoH so that Dani can sit silently and watch while he condescends to Jen all, “Let me tell you what’s going on in this house!” and then he tries to tell Jen that as long as they are fighting with each other, everyone else is safe. Then, and get this, he blames the fact that he’s going at it with Jen on ERIC, because Dick’s not the one that’s been a complete dick to Jen just because he can’t stand her, it is somehow Eric’s fault that Dick is a complete ragehole all the time, like Dick hasn’t instigated shit all over the place. And the sad thing is, Dick actually thinks that this is true, and that he’s not really an asshole, Eric has made him that way. Dump the funk, Jesus!

Dick continues by telling Jen all about how Eric set up Nick (again, concocted to make Dani and Dick feel better about being traitorous) and yap yap yap, and Jen wisely plays along like Dick is exactly right, because this is the best possible situation for Jen. If Dick stops harassing her all the time, Kail gets to stay in the house, AND she can get rid of someone else that she’s not aligned with, why wouldn’t she? Dick eats it up, of course. I wish I could be there when he watches this week’s episodes.

After a small filler segment in which they have to dump the funk on themselves that includes Jen getting muddy in slo-motion (who’s in charge here, people? That’s not sexy, even a little), Dick works on getting Jessica to get rid of Eric. Schoonie’s Jessica Hotwatch continues successfully this week, FYI. Holler, Jessica! I’m single and I’m not at the whim of America, unlike certain other people who think you are cute.

Dick tells Jessica all about the ‘Eric is the mastermind of Mike’s eviction, and also Nick’s, and also he is the Hamburglar’ concept that seems so popular with members of the Donato family these days. Jessica takes it all in, looking pensive. She takes this idea to Jen; Jen seems unsurprised. She tells Jess that she’s heard a lot of mean things come from Eric’s mouth, but that she’s not going to say what they are. Then she proceeds to…say what they are, including something about how Eric isn’t going to get played by a 21 year old. This is, of course, to Jen’s advantage, because it pits her enemy alliance against itself, and she really doesn’t have to do any work. Basically, this whole thing is being set up so that Jessica is the swing vote, with Jen voting with Dick and Zach and the rest of the LNC voting to evict Kail.

Time for another America’s Player segment. In this one, Eric has to promise somebody that he’ll take them to the Final 2. It turns out that America was actually thinking this time and chose Jessica for Eric. So Eric takes Jessica into the gym to tell her this, but she cuts him off and asks him about all the stuff that Jen and Dick said first. He handles it very deftly and tells her in a very logical fashion that of course they would say that, because they want him out, and then appeals to her by fulfilling his AP requirement (much like a college application). He tells her all about his plan (which he actually intends to follow) of going to the final three with the two of them and Jameka and then making them the final 2. She seems pretty excited about this and seems to buy it, so Eric gets the check mark.

After another crud dumping segment, Eric is relaxing in the hot tub by himself, looking very 15 with only his head sticking out of the water and Dick comes over to confront him about all of his alleged secret evil plans, which conveniently include the fact that Dick and Daniele themselves are not responsible in any way for Nick’s eviction. Eric seems a little shook up by the randomness of the confrontation, but responds in the best way possible, which is to tell Dick that if he had been so shook up about the Nick boot, than he could have, you know, voted to keep him in the house. Then he tells Dick to fuck off, which I’ve been waiting for someone to do since the Industrial Revolution. Dick, of course, storms off because he does not respond well to logic, since the giant mousetrap that he and Daniele have built somehow means that Eric is responsible for the Nick boot by…voting to evict Kail. It’s…so dumb. I mean, they’re right that Eric was the stray vote, but they’re wrong about literally EVERYTHING else. It’s like that one guy you play poker with who stays in the hand with crappy cards and then wins all your money on the river. Oh, and quit congradulating yourselves, you guys aren’t geniuses or anything. I don’t know if you remember this, but…a banner told you. You are not Einstein. It just means that you can read. Also, your reading comprehension isn’t even really that good, because you turned it into this giant mental mousetrap involving elaborate setups and buried treasure and horcruxes instead of taking it at face value. In short: dump the funk, y’all.

After Dick’s outburst, the houseguests who were audience to it assemble in the bathroom to talk about what a Dick he is. When Daniele wanders in, Dustin makes the mistake of asking her to put her dad up after the veto is used, which is totally not happening and will only serve to make Dustin look bad, although it’s probably the right move for the serenity of the house. Hey, remember when Dick was cool? Daniele, of course, somehow takes this as an insult to her, like how dare he insinuate that SHE should have to suffer for what her dad does! I’m not sure what she heard, but that was not the answer to the question Dustin asked. Maybe she swallowed some of that funk or something.

At the veto ceremony, Jen, dressed in her rabbit costume, uses the veto on herself after having another Jen on Jen conversation. Daniele gets up and makes this speech that she thinks is somehow deep and full of revenge and is done in Nick’s honor, but it just makes her look dumb. The long and short of it is that Eric is now on the block against Kail.

So, here’s my question: what happens if Eric gets evicted? Are they going to crown a new America’s Player? I really hope not. That would be really, really lame, especially because there are no good candidates.