Big Brother: Everyone Else Can Kick Rocks

Previously on Big Brother, I went to the beach and missed all this:

Deus ex ma-Chima

“I’m not as think as you drunk I am!”

So, the last two episodes were epic. Is there any of that action left, or are we due for a boring episode? Let’s do this.

In tonight’s news, everyone plans to… wait for it… play hard and win the veto. All except Lydiot, who plans to lose early and go out in a blaze of pink hair dye. Lydia is also shocked she’s up for eviction for the 4th straight time. You’d think she would have learned something by now.

Jordan takes Ratalie aside and tells her she’s the pawn and she shouldn’t have anything to worry about. I’m now almost totally convinced that Jordan has never watched this show. Ratalie has, though, and she knows better. She does what she does best, which is run to her alliance and squeal this new development. Kevin ponders using the veto on Ratalie instead of Lydia. He may be smart, but he’s also smart enough to not want Lydia to kill him in his sleep in the jury house.

Meanwhile, Russell brags to Michele that “the best thing I did was stay a loner most of the time. Like a lone wolf.” Well, that and doing Jessie’s dirty work for the first month. He says he respects Michele for playing the game the same way he has, and he needs a “villain” to take to the final two.

“Would anyone with teeth this white lie to you?”

They worry about the other couple in their alliance and wonder if it’s time to get rid of them. Right on cue, almost like a little voice on a loudspeaker told him to, Jeff walks in. Awkward! Here it comes, showmance vs. showmance in the final 4. Can’t wait.

Back over in the Nerd Herd, Ratalydiot is having a Who’s The Sluttiest contest.

I think we have a winner.

Kevin breaks the news to them that they were being played. They vow to get their revenge on Jessie in the jury house. I guess the mourning period is officially over.

Now that 2/3 of them are nominated, the Nerd Herd decides some gameplay might be in order. Or, in Ducky’s words, “We need to create a complete fabrication.” I don’t know, I think fabricating a creation would be better, but that’s just me. Their idea, which is 1) blindingly obvious and 2) not half bad if they can pull it off, is to tell Jeff and Jordan that Russell and Michele are thinking about getting rid of them next week. Lucky for them, as we’ve just seen, there’s some truth to this. They decide to call it, and I don’t have captions on so I’m guessing here, but… “Operation Bosley And The Two Angels”.

I’d settle for Operation Coordinate Primary Colors.

Anyway, Kevin says he’s a terrible liar, so naturally he gets the job of lying to Jeff. Isn’t this right up Ratalie’s ball of tea? Lucky for Kevin, Jeff is not the world’s best poker player, so he buys everything Kevin says. Jeff makes the obligatory proposal to backdoor Russell. Not. Gonna. Happen. Jordan’s thoughts: “I have to make sure that me and Jeff are still on top, and that we are safe from all angles, so we don’t get like a stab in the back.” Apparently Jordan’s not any better at geometry than she is at telling time.

And we’re live! Green Chenbot (it’s a theme tonight, you’ll see) gives the first question to Jeff:

“So, how bout that Power of Coupe DeVille, huh? Any regrets using it?”

Jeff thinks the dust has settled now. Oh please say it ain’t so. Flipit and Schoonie got all the dust, and now everything’s nice and clean and boring again. No dust equals boring recap.

“Kevin, why do you feel guilty about Chima leaving?”

Kevin thinks he could have done more to prevent her “nucular” meltdown. Ducky is also not much good at strategery in addition to being co-depenedent.

“Lydia, or should I call you Captain Unitard, how have your feelings toward Jessie changed?”

“If I get put in the jury house, he’ll have one angry pink-haired lady to deal with.”

Chenbot: “Now I kinda want to see you leave tonight, to see that happen.” HAHAHA. Thank you, programmers, for activating the sass circuit tonight. She then asks Jordan what it was like to be HOH. Jordan says she took a lot of bubble baths. And picked her own boogers. And on that note, let’s take a break.

Where’s Flipit?

When we get back from the break, everything’s not quite set up for the veto competition yet, so we have time to do the segment where Ratalie gets a call from home. She hopes it’s her dad. Or maybe her boyfriend. Only if he has a really short memory and has forgotten all that fighting over Jessie. But not to worry, it is her dad.

Calling from the office? Really, BB, splurge a little and get a guy a limo ride around the block or something.

Lots of boring “so what have you been up to?” small talk. Dad says her boyfriend Jason has watched every show with him.

Really? I bet watching this was AWKWARD.

After hanging up, teary Ratalie says that her dad is “on his own, but my boyfriend is there with him.” Um. Can anyone in the house do math?

POV time! They’re all standing on podiums of three steps each. The top on is marked “After” and the bottom is marked “Before”. Yeah, you know what this is. It’s the incredibly boring chronological order game. Chenbot names two events, and the Houseguests say whether the first one happened before or after the second. It has to do with time, so Jordan is handicapped already. Players are Ratalydiot, Jordan and three randomly-drawn Houseguests. So, everyone but Russell. All righty then. The questions are boring, and wordy, and Chenbot makes it through them without stumbling, so let’s just break it down like so:

- Everyone gets the first one right.

- Only Michele, Jordan and Kevin get the second one.

- Kevin gets question 4 wrong.

- Michele and Jordan battle it out for four more excruciating questions until the Chenbot puts us out of our collective misery and calls for a tiebreaker. Thank God. I couldn’t take much more of that.

- The tiebreaker: How many truffles were in the mud pit in the pig competition?

Pepto Man knows the answer.

The answer is 104. Who is the Big Brother statistician, anyway? The same person that said there were 700 grapes on that plate in the Roman competition? Anyway, Jordan is closer–barely–so she wins her own veto. Zzzzz.

KILLING ME WITH THE BOREDOM HERE.

And here are the pre-veto speeches. Ratalie tells Jordan she won fair and square, after a hard-fought battle that saw Ratalie knocked out after question 2. Way to bring the fight there, Rat. Lydiot simply says she has no hard feelings. Oh, please, just ONE hard feeling? For me? I have to stay awake half the night to write this thing and I really need something good to write about. Jordan takes about two seconds to announce that she’s not using the veto. I am sure you’re all stunned. At least there’s no DRAMATIC PAUSE edited in. I hate those.

“I have decided…..”

***OMG SUSPENSE VIOLINS***

“…NOT…”

“…to use the veto.”

Chenbot leaves the Houseguests “to do some last-minute strategizing”. Like the whole house is going to sit there and strategerize TOGETHER. So. On to the next round of speeches! Ratalie talks for awhile about her “best friend” Chima and how she’s all alone in the game now. She mentions that she might be willing to lend her services as snitch and goombah to the highest bidder.

“Ooh, lemme at ‘im Jessie. Can I, huh?”

Say what you like about Ratalie, but she hasn’t given up. Lydiot, on the other hand, just says “Vote to keep whoever will further your game.” Please say you bottled up some of the crazy from Tuesday night and are getting ready to uncork that puppy. I beg you.

On with the voting. Four people are voting this week, and everyone but Kevin votes Lydia out. Ten bucks says that’s a planned sympathy vote. Ten bucks, Ed. As Ratalie shakes everyone’s hand, Lydia hugs Kevin and then walks straight out in her Captain Tard costume. Not a peep of crazy. Sigh. Thanks for ruining my night, Lydiot. Schoonie, you suck.

The timing is all screwy tonight, so instead of going back in the house while Lydia mics up, we go to commercial after a brief game of charades.

First word, sounds like… lard…

After commercial, Lydia is mugging her way through the Chenbot interview and working the crowd thusly:

CHENBOT: “Why didn’t you tell anyone goodbye but Kevin?”

LYDIA: “Kevin’s my true sugar bear… everyone else can kick rocks.” Kick rocks, huh? Sounds more entertaining than sitting through this episode.

CHENBOT: “But we did see you bond with Natalie this week?”

LYDIA: “*sigh* I got a kid sister I really didn’t want… but I’m this old, like, wolf, being like, leave me alone…” (But isn’t Natalie like 39 in real life? How old is Lydia? I mean, I know she has the skin and hair of an 85-year-old, but how old is she really? Evs.)

CHENBOT: “Do you feel like Chima is partly to blame for why you’re sitting out here evicted?”

LYDIA: “Kinda… the game changed.” (Indeed. With Chima there, Chima goes up on the block and goes home instead of Lydia. Then there would have been a second eviction tonight and who knows what happens? Something more interesting than this, that’s what. Chima, you suck.)

CHENBOT: “Why’d you go off on Michele the other night? I mean, other than lots of producer-supplied booze?”

LYDIA: “We got into it, and true colors kind of, you know, were revealed, and the minute that happens with me… the gloves come off.” (I have no idea what she’s saying, so let’s just chalk it up to the booze.)

CHENBOT: “You’ll be alone with Jessie in the jury house this week. Is he in trouble?”

LYDIA: “You guys’ll want to bring cameras this week.”

CHENBOT: “We thought there could be… more romance, possibly?”

LYDIA: “He’s gonna need ice packs.” (Which tells us nothing. On what part of his body?)

CHENBOT: “Who do you want to win HOH?”

“Oh, that’s easy. Go Michele!” (No, I made that up. She says Kevin, of course. Duh.)

Jeez, Lydia is actually looking like a palatable person again now that she’s out of the house. I can’t take much more of this, so let’s get the episode over with. No break. Straight to the HOH competition. The Houseguests are standing on a big platform. Below each Houseguest, down on the ground, is a pair of plastic tubes. Behind each Houseguest, up on the platform, are big barrels of soda cans. Big Brother’s gone green this year (well, except for the 1500-watt TV lights all over the house and yard), so this is a recycling-themed competition, probably something a couple of bored PAs made up while chugging Red Bulls on break. They have to grab cans from the barrels and drop them off the platform into the tubes. Whoever gets to 24 first, or whoever has the most at the end of the hour, wins. They call this “Can Do”.

They should have called it “Don’t Litter”.

Kevin gets one into his tube by sheer accident and hollers “Now what do I do?” Not used to being in the lead, is our Ducky. Anyway, as HOH competitions go, this is right up there with the one where they had to roll the ball into the honeycomb and get a random score. What’s worse, at the end of the episode, Michele and Kevin are in the lead with only 4 cans. But it’s not over. Huh? I thought Chenbot said it was up at the end of the hour? Did she mean at the end of AN hour? I sat through this whole stupid episode and I still don’t know who wins HOH? Somewhere across the country, Flipit is laughing at me.

Not to worry, though. You can continue to follow the competition by subscribing to the live feeds! That’s right, if you want to spend a whole hour watching people drop cans off a wall, knock yourselves out. I’m going to bed. See you next week!