Big Brother: Fake Crying to Real Boobs

Previously on Big Brother, James yelled at people while wearing underwear that he stole from Lane Bryant.Julie welcomes us to tonight’s live show, wearing…well, she actually looks pretty damn good. I mean, she’s got a big plastic chain around her waist, but that’s just there from that one time when she broke free from her restraints and leveled several Midwestern cities. She tells us all the stuff that the previouslies just told us, as she does every single Wednesday. Man, I love that she just wants us to get the message. I know I say this in every recap, but I hate when this show does this shit, every week. What happened on Tuesday? LET’S REWATCH IT EIGHT TIMES! I am convinced that there are subliminal messages in that shit, because that’s the only reason they’d do it. To make us all want some Pringles, yo.

But first! Julie tells us about how there are “crocodile tears”, and they totally must have programmed her not to short out at the concept. Producers: “Here you’ll say ‘crocodile tears’, Julie.’ Chenbot: “BUT…my data says that crocodiles have no tear ducts. ERROR 404!”

After the veto ceremony (Way to go in the veto comp, BTW, James. That was pretty sick), Sharon tells us that she’s pretty sure Josh is going home. Josh, however, is feeling confident. He also has a yellow bandana on his head. Isn’t there some sort of gay bandana code? If so, how did the only straight BB recapper end up with this episode? Oh, wait, I read about the bandana code on this very site! Now I don’t hate myself for knowing that. However, I will not be looking up what it means, because it’s probably watersports or something, and that will gross me out.

However, Natalie does not want to be a tiebreaker, because it’s almost certainly going to make her enemies. Josh looks concerned about this. What do you do when you are concerned? Well, cry until everyone votes for someone else, of course! Josh waits for Adam to walk in from outside and he just manufactures this spectacular show for him. He makes it look like Adam has walked in on him, and it starts out really really poorly acted, and then all of a sudden Josh is seriously crying and tears are literally falling off his nose and then he’s hugging Adam and then Adam is crying and I have no idea what is going on. Luckily, someone will probably be telling me about it in flashback in like two minutes.

Adam, to his credit because he is probably a nice guy and also a bit dull, actually tries to make Josh feel better by hugging him and at one point, he wipes his nose for him. Just like he does with the retarded kids when they escape from their pen and bump their heads!

In the hot tub with Josh and James, Natalie would like them to justify keeping Josh around. “How do I know you won’t come after me?” Wait, so Sharon won’t go after her too? Wait, then Sharon and Natalie are in the HOH and Natalie is telling Sharon everything about how Josh came to her and tried to make a deal. Sharon promises that she won’t put Natalie up all of a sudden (?) and they decide to form some sort of female alliance. So then they’re calling Sheila up and they forge this alliance. Sheila is incredulous about Josh trying to make a deal, which I do not understand. Have any of these people actually met Josh?

Natalie tells us that she’s going to go work Adam and Ryan to make sure that they don’t vote to keep Josh. She brings Ryan up into the HOH and he tells her that he’s safer with Josh in the house, which she is unable to negate. Ryan does think he can’t trust Sharon, however, so Natalie goes and gets Sharon. Sharon tells him that she’d never betray him, and then they form The Most Boring Alliance Ever, because they have so much in common. Like the fact that they’re both boring. As hell. Also, why is this show insisting on painting Natalie as some sort of strategic mastermind?

James and Josh talk by the pool, where Josh tells James that he thinks Natalie will keep him. “I’m tired of babysitting Sharon anyway” he says. Wait, so he’s been babysitting her? I’ve got it all wrong!

It’s time to chat with the houseguests! They all scream hello to Julie like she’s Santa. She is not Santa, but she is here with her bag full of awkwardly phrased questions for all the kids on the naughty list. Sound off!

Sheila, what did you think of James after all of his yelling?
Sheila: (boring answer)

Sharon, what do you think of Josh after this week?
Sharon: (Really boring answer)

Wow, I really learned a lot from that. Like…absolutely nothing.

And now it’s time to meet Josh’s mother! She is not, surprisingly, a winged creature from a J.R.R. Tolkien novel, as I would have guessed. She looks like a perfectly nice lady, in fact. Well, except for the cursed womb. Her name is Darlene, and she has never seen Josh have any outbursts like he has on the show. Well, except for that one time she took away his juice box, but she spent those three days in a coma afterwards and doesn’t remember anything!

She tells us that sometimes, she wants to “wring his neck” when she sees how he’s acting on the show. She sits on the couch with an unidentified man and watches what has to be a highlight reel of Josh’s antics and reacts very unrealistically to them, because this is the second time she’s seen them. Then we see pictures of Josh in high school (He played football! He dated girls!) and then she calls him a “monster”, which is awesome. She says she like to remind herself that the mean stuff is just his strategy. Yeah, that’s totally what all the enablers say.

Time for Natalie’s HOH interview! First of all, I would just like to say that Natalie looks really hot here. I usually think she looks like some sort of silicon hellbeast, but right now: very hot. Julie asks her about Matt’s picture, because Matt is the only interesting thing about Natalie besides that crazy shit with the numbers. Then she asks how Nat feels having Matt alone in a house with Chelsia. Nat has this realization briefly, and I really don’t think she’s considered this yet, but she’s like “Whatever, he’s not my boyfriend or anything” in this totally unconvincing way, and then she tells Julie that Chelsia would totally do Matt just to spite her. Probably correct, but that doesn’t make it any less hilarious.

She names Ryan as her closest ally, because she’s voted him out like three times and he still trust her, so that must mean something. Yes, it means Ryan is dumb. We’ve been over this. She also says that the comment her dad made was right because God talked to her when she was little and told her that she was the glue that holds her family together or something. I’m…y’all, what if Natalie is the Messiah? OMG, this is totally like that one Joan Osbourne song.

After Sharon says her really boring goodbye, Julie lets Josh say his piece. He recites this very clearly rehearsed speech about the house that involves train noises and hand gestures. It is terrifying to watch. He is so lame. Anyway, time to vote! Sheila, Ryan and Adam all vote for him, so James vote at the end for Sharon doesn’t matter. (Way to throw some suspense into the voting order there, producers.) And with that, Josh is evicted, 3-1.

But first! He has some things to say. And those things are dumb and condescending, bullshit about how everyone here needs to “be true to yourself” or whatever. This from a guy who just fake cried on national television. Shut. Up. Now. HATE!

And right after he tells them to be true to themselves, he hugs only Sharon and gives the rest of them the hand. Because you know what’s being “true to yourself”? Holding grudges in an irrelevant game and refusing to make a cursory gesture to people who just did something they’re required by the rules to do. What untrue people they are!

So Sharon cries like a baby when Josh leaves, and they all attempt to calm her down while he gets mic’ed up for his Chenterview. James is like “Yo, you should probably stop crying, it’s a game.” He might be a pretentious jerk sometimes, but I think his perspective is the best on the game. Also Adam. I don’t know when I started rooting for the guy, but here we are. I mean, it IS required by law that Big Brother end in the most unsatisfying way possible, so we’re probably looking at a Sheila and Ryan final two or something, but for now we can all hope for the best.

Wait, I’m totally calling that shit right now. I’ll be copying and pasting you in a month, previous sentence!

Time for Josh’s interview! Julie asks about the speech, which was a question that her programmers must have forgotten to remove after last week, because there’s no way she improvised that. Then Josh calls himself a “good person” (and, take a moment to think about this: have you ever met someone who has called themselves a “good person” who has actually been such?) and tells us that he “didn’t want to go out like Chelsia” (except…you sort of just did). And then he calls himself “the toughest person” and that he would have “picked them all off” if he had stayed in the house. Yeah, you did a kickass job of that before. Seventh place: it’s like winning, almost.

Then Julie asks about his meanness. He tells her that he’s only mean “when he’s provoked”, and then he immediately contradicts himself by saying that he’s mean when people harass his friends, and he’s only doing the noble thing and coming to their defense. There are so, so many things wrong with that statement. Wow, what a douche this guy is.

Julie is all “What would your mom think if she saw you now?” and Josh is all “Sorry I was a giant freaking asswipe on national TV for two months, mom!” Julie asks him something dumb about his fake crying, which causes him to start telling Julie all about how he only needed one sympathy vote to stay in the game, which we know is not true because of what happened earlier with Nat and Sharon, so we know they managed to pull on over on him to the very end. When you get played by the likes of Natalie, that totally means you’re the most threatening person.

And with that, Josh is sent off to the increasingly unpleasant jury house with Chelsia and James. I wish I could say he were out of my life forever, but we’ll probably see him at the end of the season.

HOH competition! This HOH competition is completely ridiculous and infuriating, because it literally has nothing to do with anything, except for how lucky you are at guessing stupid shit. Julie is going to make statements about amounts of items in the house, and people are supposed to guess “Less” or “More” than the amount she stated. You’d think she’s going to ask questions about things that they’d actually know, but instead she’s like “Are there more or less than 117.34 lamps in the house?” because a: everyone would miscount that, and b: I know they’re bored, but even Natalie doesn’t know all this stuff.

So anyway, the competition is boring and completely random, and Adam ends up winning, of course. I mean, I’m happy for him, but that was completely dumb. They should have been like “Are there more or less than pi people remaining in the game?” because at least then the competition would have been funny.

You’ll also be interested to know that Sheila thinks that Josh’s exit was “really classy”. And if there’s anything Sheila knows, it’s class.

So, Adam is HOH. Tune in Sunday, when he’ll do something inoffensive and nominate James and Sharon!