Big Brother: Finally, The Republicans Win Something

Julie is dressed like tonight is some sort of black tie event. With all the previous houseguests in the crowd, I’d say it’s more of a Black Plague event. Zing! Julie also looks a little sad that she didn’t get nominated for that Best Reality Show Host Emmy, because she really would have liked to wear this dress while hosting the awards this Sunday. And if she were to throw a segment to Heidi Klum and they were to combine their crazy announcer powers my brain would explode.

After a 9 minute recap of the season, we get our first glimpse of Memphis and Dan. I hate saying this, because it is so cliché, but they seriously are (here it comes) dressed like A Night At The Roxbury. I don’t write the jokes y’all, I just copy and paste them from previous recaps. The jig, it is up.

Julie tells us that there will be a winner crowned, BUT FIRST! We’ll be going to the jury house where everyone will be sitting around in pre-arranged formation while they are NOT, I repeat: NOT being told by the producers what to talk about. “Golly, what a pretty day!” Libra tells us. “Oh, and bee tee dubs, who do you think is going to be the last jury member?”

“Funny you should mention that, chum,” says Keesha, “for it is my grandest wish to cross paths with Memphis tonight. His arrogance should be his downfall, and I look forward to reveling in the schadenfreude that will ensue upon his arrival.”

“Nay!” says Ollie, “I do not share your opinions, oh wise, 31-toothed woman. In contrast, I hope to see Dan. He makes a mockery of this game, and more importantly, your very existences by his continued presence in that house, and I should hope that this situation will have been rectified by the time this jury’s seventh member has been initiated.”

“I am afraid that I must interject,” said Libra. “While I heartily respect the opinions of both your popped collar and your giant boobs, it is at this point on the great road of collaborative discussion that we must choose divergent paths. Jerry hath played the role of the innocent elder statesman for far too long, and I hope to see him hoisted on his own petard.”

“Fuck Jerry. He’s annoying and I hope I never have to spend another minute with him.” says Renny. And, word to you for breaking script.

Of course, Renny’s comment sets of a whole discussion about how annoying it was to be around Jerry, including how there was something called “Operation Avoid Jerry”, and I’m sorry that the editors didn’t have a little fun with that and include some spy music and sneaking into the proceedings. While Keesha’s in the middle of saying, “Yeah, and whenever he came in it was always like ‘last one out of the room loses’!” and then he walks up at exactly the wrong time.

Jerry stands there awkwardly, greeting them all and waving, waiting for his hugs which are never coming while the rest of the jurors sit there and stare at Jerry like he’s that one socially awkward kid with the trenchcoat that went to your high school.

Jerry, of course, is oblivious to the entire thing and takes his seat. He tells them what happened in the final competition, causing everyone to start playing “what if” about various points in the game when they had the chance to get Memphis and/or Dan out and didn’t take the opportunity. Finger pointing ensues while Jerry talks forever over everyone, to the point that Renny, awesome as always, just tells him to shut up. “I don’t buy what your saying anyway, you fool!” she says. I would like to buy her a shiny new wig.

This causes Jerry to yell at her all “let me talk!” just like he did that one time when she called him “inappropriate” on Keesha’s 30th birthday. They start yelling at each other, and at one point I think Renny calls him a pig. I love that Renny’s just like “Eff this, it’s the end of the season. You, sir, are a douche.”

So, discussion ensues about the relative merits of both Dan and Memphis. Renny calls Memphis insensitive, and Keesha points out that this is what got him so far in the game, an ability to be cold-hearted and sell people out without thinking of their feelings. Keesha says that while she knows Dan did largely the same thing, and yet she respect’s Dan’s game more and loves him, for reasons she cannot explain. Um, because Dan is awesome and Memphis is boring? Michelle mentions that she’d respect Dan more if he had been more straightforward about what he was doing. Um, Michelle? You were on the opposing side. Dan is not responsible for telling you what he’s going to do. April takes this time to interject with her leather bodysuit (she has to get out of here, given that she has an appointment with her lesbian motorcycle gang later), repeating Ollie’s opinion that Dan disrespected all of them by making them party to some big joke during the Nominee Roulette Veto Ceremony. Way to think for yourself, Catwoman.

Michelle takes this chance to drop the bomb on Jerry and tell him that she went on the trip with Dan. Jerry actually doesn’t get it at first, and then once the discussion has gone on for a good thirty seconds, the editors cut to Jerry, finally joining the party. Jerry tells everyone that Memphis made Dan do all the dirty work. This is not true: Dan actually made Memphis the dirty work in most instances, and he did it so well that Memphis thought that most of what he did was his own choice. Keesha points out that she did some dirty work for Memphis, which is also not true. While Memphis benefited from her choices, the things she did (like evicting Jessie) were for her own benefit. But whatever, I love Keesha so she gets a pass.

Julie segues us to commercial, and we get to play our first round of Find The Previous Houseguest in the audience. Hey, there’s James from Season 6 and Bunky from Season 2! Wait, do they hang out together? Are they friends? I must know more. I imagine them spending a lot of time together playing board games where James viciously goes for the win and then Bunky cries when he is defeated.

Back from commercial, there’s Beau from Season 6, sitting right next to Erika from Seasons 4 and 7 and her boyfriend Adam from Survivor: Cook Islands, noted Candace-kisser and all around douchebag. Know this: If I’m ever in the same room with that couple, and any of you are there, I want you to do me a huge favor. Please, do everything you can to take away as many of my five senses as possible as swiftly as you can . Snatch out my eyes with your bare hands, rip off my ears, whatever. Hell, punch me in the tongue.

Time for the jury questions! Libra’s first. She wants to know what Dan’s most strategic move was. He takes the opportunity to suck up to Michelle some more and tells Libra that he backdoored Michelle because he knew her to be a threat. Michelle sits there, eating it up with a spoon. Too easy. April’s next, and she asks Memphis to explain to her why he should win the game, since they never hung out together and she knows nothing about him. Shit, I’ve watched him for 28 hours now and I can tell you nothing about him either, except that he really likes American Apparel and his hair was put into a time machine and brought here from the year 2005. It’s like, I know Memphis exists, and he’s been a part of my conscious experience for a while now, but he has no redeemable qualities or talents of note, and yet I cannot escape him. Sort of like T-Pain.

Holy shit, 28 hours? I can’t believe I’ve wasted an entire day watching this show, not counting recaps. I should go pick up trash on the side of the highway or something to atone.

So, Memphis tells April that he just ended up on opposite sides from her and they never talked, and then he calls himself a “straight shooter”, getting the first of many indignant laughs from Keesha (who, it should be noted, looks extremely hot). When it’s her turn, Michelle tells Dan that she’s going to play “jury house roulette”, asking him why he took her on the trip. This is news to Memphis, who doesn’t even have the ability to look surprised, so bland is he. Dan tells her that he felt guilty about backdooring her and he knew that he was meanest to her, so he wanted to work on getting her vote. Michelle asks Memphis whether their alliance meant anything, since he participated in the plan to get rid of her. Memphis pretends that it took some “convincing” to get him to follow along, but nobody’s buying. Ollie wants to know why Dan used his girlfriend’s name when he promised Ollie he’d keep his word during their endurance competition. In what is one of the best answers I’ve ever seen on any reality show, Dan tells Ollie that he did that because he knew Ollie to be an emotional guy, and by promising on his family he was able to convince Ollie to drop and forge that bond with him at the same time. Dan completely owns the lie, is straightforward with Ollie, and comes clean while complimenting him. It’s near perfect. The non-threatening pink shirt is nothing but a ruse, people.

Renny asks Memphis to name one thing he did for her in the game. No biggie, right? Of course, Memphis can’t come up with anything. They all laugh in his face as he stalls them. “You know what I gave you, Renny?” he finally says. “I gave you myself…and…uh, me.” Well, there you go: he actually named TWO things. Suck on that, Renny!

Keesha’s question should be obvious. “Why me?” she says to Memphis, as if there is an explanation other than “You were standing in my way.” Memphis tries to get all emotional at this point, telling her that he did feel a little bit of remorse and that it was the hardest thing he did all game, but he just comes off fakey. Jerry’s question is the most hypocritical and ridiculous, of course. “Dan, you showed a lot of arrogance when you won competitions,” says the guy who talked nonstop about how awesome he was for walking down the hill and banging all the cows, “and my question is ‘Do you have any respect for us at all?’” Yes, Jerry, he of the constant Judas references, is the authority on respect. Bow before him!

Dan’s answer is “Well, of course” because what the hell do you say, no? Jerry then asks Memphis whether he would have taken Jerry or Dan if he had won the final HOH competition. Memphis bullshits some more, stating that he can’t answer the question because he never made any plans in advance, or something. Dan interjects here, all “Well, maybe Memphis didn’t want to win, eh?” because Dan knows Memphis would have won the game if he had just thrown a bunch of competitions, because he is smarter than Memphis.

During their final speeches, Memphis says some things about how he viewed the game as a “business plan” (a plan where he never makes decisions in advance, apparently). Dan goes for the jugular here, telling the jury that he apologizes for any of the ridiculous things that he did, because he only did them to make you hate him. You see, he wanted some people on the jury to dislike him, because that way he could ensure that he’d be taken to the end as a viable Final Two partner. Well played sir, well played. Meanwhile, Renny sits on the jury, wishing she had pooped in everyone’s shoes or something. Hey, maybe she’d still be around!

As we come back from commercial, there’s Jenius and Nick from Season 8! Guess they’re still dating. Man, Jen was awesome. Near them are Matty and Adam from last season, who came straight here from a long afternoon of volunteering their time to help retarded children learn to drive. Zach’s somewhere in there too, but I’m mostly embarrassed for remembering all these people, so we’ll just move on.

So, time to introduce the jury to the live audience! They emerge one by one. Of note: Ollie does an idiotic somersault, and Renny curtseys to huge applause and takes her sweet ass time walking to the stage, to the point where the rest of the introductions are hurried. Jerry gets little to no applause when he comes out, because the audience is full of ageist jerks, obviously. As the jury takes their seats, Julie goes to Dan and Memphis in the house and asks them to describe their experience with the jury in one word. Dan chooses “tough”, and Memphis? He chooses “like being on a firing squad”. Integers: the enemy of today’s mixologist.

And with that, it’s time to vote. Libra goes first. My notes, verbatim: “Libra says a bunch of dumb stuff.” Descriptive! I’ll just go with that. April votes next, and I’m fairly sure her shoes are mic’d up, because homegirl is stomping to the stage. She thanks Memphis and Dan for a great summer (what is this, the last day at Camp Tanawika?) and casts her vote. Michelle tells them that it was “a crazy ride” (what is this, every high school yearbook ever?) before casting her vote. Ollie tells them it’s “been fun”, which is actually true because this season has been very fun.

And now, Renny. She steps up to the podium and delivers the longest speech in the history of speeches. “In the game of life, and in the game of…tv games,” she starts. It goes downhill from there, into a discussion of manners and how you should say hi to everyone you see, and how if you don’t brush and floss you go to hell, and how Soilent Green is actually people, and she finally slams her key down into the box all “I’M CASTING MY VOTE NOW!” and then everyone laughs because there’s Renny, screaming, again. I have no idea what she just said. I just know it was awesome.

Keesha votes, telling the two of them they’re like little brothers to her, and then Jerry kids with them both about how he tried to get them both out and failed before casting his vote, telling them that it’s based on “kindness”. Does that mean you want to kill them with the key?

Back from another commercial, I’m pretty sure that Samm Levine from Freaks and Geeks is sitting right behind Julie, no shit. If he is not, that is his doppelganger. So anyway, Julie has trotted out the first four evictees, and now they get their chance to speak. Well, unless your name is Angie, in which case you should shut the hell up and sit there quietly. Brian gets to go first, and he hogs most of the screentime taking people to task for making the game personal. He makes the very astute point that while Dan and Memphis never made anything they did personal, several members of the jury were completely out of line. He tells Ollie that his temper tantrum was ridiculous and that Ollie should be embarassed, while Ollie sits there in his backwards baseball cap smiling like an idiot. Brian turns to Michelle, talking the moment when she lost her trip; when he mentions that she questioned Libra’s capacity as a mother, Michelle emits what has to be the most awkward laugh of all time. Meanwhile, this is news to Libra, who is quietly losing her shit on the left half of the screen. They do not show the clip, but oh, how I wish they had.

Instead, we get a clip of Jerry’s various abhorrent acts throughout the house, as pointed out by Steven. It is a whirlwind tour of his hypocrisy, and the best part is that there is a split screen while Jerry watches the clips, completely oblivious to the fact that he comes off like a total dickbag. Julie asks Jerry for an explanation of his behavior, but he just says the same tired shit he has a hundred times about Dan lying about his religion (which, to date, we have never seen), and I’m so, so tired of recapping his ass. Get out of my life forever, Jerry. You know, if there is one thing this show has taught me, it is that assholes come in all shapes and sizes. Some assholes are blonde and full of themselves, and some are jort wearing know-it-alls who talk too much.

Julie next reveals that Dan was America’s Player for one week only, showing clips of Dan hugging Jessie and then getting him evicted from the house. The houseguests are quietly talking over the clip to each other, and to their credit, they did pretty much have him figured out on this one. That doesn’t make up for the hilarious face Michelle makes while she studies the footage. It’s cool, sometimes I watch TV with my mouth half-open, too.

Julie gives Jessie a chance to speak to Dan about all the shit he did for America’s sake, but Jessie would like to speak to America directly. Jessie then actually turns toward the nearest camera and thanks America for making him 3-for-3 that week. Wow. Hey, you know what? After this I never have to think about him again, either! Huzzah!

After yet another break, it’s finally time to reveal the winner. The first one is for Dan, and then…so are the next three. Dan wins! Awesome. I never thought I would be rooting for the Republican, and yet: here we are. Ladies and gentleman, your first satisfying Big Brother winner since Season 2. Enjoy it, because mathematically we’ve got another eight years before this happens again. Season 18, I look forward to recapping you. The next seven seasons? They can all eat shit. Especially you, Season 13. Damn, you suck.

Oh, and Keesha wins the jury prize. Score! I expected Renny to win it, but I gotta say, Keesha was my first choice. Loved her. Oh! And Dan got all seven of the jury votes, including April’s and Jerry’s, inexplicably.

Well guys, it’s been a great season. I had a blast recapping with Flip and Fozz, and I’m always grateful, especially to you guys, who somehow keep reading my ridiculous rants. See you next week for Survivor! In HD!