Big Brother: Flashes of Brilliance

Poor Michele, you guys.We begin where we left off Thursday, with the houseguests slamming face first into a giant foam diploma. If there’s a metaphor here, it’s definitely that these people should have done something else with their lives. In fact, Chima’s all “Can’t I just get my GED?” and then she laughs at her own joke because it is HILARIOUS. Leave the joke telling to me, Chima. And the commenters. Well, unless there are terrible banana puns involved, in which case just leave the jokes to me.

Strangely, this is also exactly what the graduation ceremony looks like at the University of Phoenix.

We flashback and see the cliques get broken up, which we just saw in the previouslies, because sometimes people can’t pay attention to this show, especially when it’s full of boring people who can’t tell time. Jeff says that he never felt like he was really a part of the athletes, so he’s glad he can take shot at them finally. I’m not sure he realizes that the clique thing probably saved his ass more than anyone. Natalie is upset because she was able to be safe for two out of three weeks, and also because Jessie is upset.

“JESSIE JESSIE JESSIE”

Jeff tells us that he really needs to win because all he has left in the house is Jordan. He also gives propers to Casey for going down swinging. We get another flashback of Casey’s phenomenal exit, my favorite part of which is when Natalie starts screaming at him about how he stabbed Jessie in the back first. How, exactly? By trying to follow the plan that they all agreed upon weeks ago? He’s such a traitor! Natalie tells us that she doesn’t think Casey left with any dignity. If Natalie had a personality, that would be such a burn, you guys.

Jessie mentions that he has to count on his allies Natalie, Ronnie, Lydia and Chima to win the competition, since he can’t compete. Hey, didn’t they already win you one competition already? Either way, Jessie’s gang doesn’t start out well when Kevin drops and Lydia follows right afterwards at the 25 minute mark. Since they’re one of the first five people to fall, they get to pick a “graduation present”. Kevin wins the 5,000 dollars Julie mentioned on Thursday with the very first pick, and then Lydia wins a flat screen TV right behind him. Kevin worries that people will target him because he won the big prize and was out first. If you worried about that, you may want to avoid actually fanning yourself with the money, then.

He might as well just get it all in ones and then make it rain.

Lydia mentions that this is a significant step up from the tiny television that she stole from her ex-boyfriend. You know, pretty much everything about Lydia is stolen: her clothes have been stolen from Molly Ringwald, her attitude has been stolen from a ten year old in Wichita, and her personality has been stolen from everyone who has ever shopped at a Hot Topic.

“My Hello Kitty tattoo is totally original!”

More spinning and bashing into the diploma. Natalie starts retching from the dizziness of the competition. You’d think she would have a strong stomach after hanging around Jessie for this long. The retching sounds disgusting. Let’s get through this part as fast as possible, shall we? I mean, usually I’m the one retching when I watch this show, so this is a nice change, but still.

Ronnie hits the diploma and falls. Yay! Loser. Natalie falls off the pedestal next trying to hang on and crawl back up, but the momentum works against her and she hits the mat after 49 minutes. “All my eggs are in the Chima basket,” Jessie says. I’m hoping the Chima basket has a hole in the bottom.

Ronnie and Natalie both get to pick presents, and come up with nothing. The recession hits Big Brother, you guys. I didn’t think the budget could get any lower on this show, but: there you have it. To top it off, Natalie throws the box down in disgust like a five year old. You know, for someone with little to no character, I sure do dislike her a lot.

Yeah? Well try doing this every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday.

Jordan falls next after 1 hour and 37 minutes. She gets the last prize, which is to be a “Have” for the week, but she also has to pick three houseguests to be Have Nots. Meanwhile, back in the competition, Michele is wisely hitting the diploma with her feet to keep from having to take the impact. Chima is not faring as well: she’s swinging all over the place, and she even does a complete flip over the diploma without falling from her perch.

That diploma is clearly not Jewish.

Ronnie and Jessie root for Chima pretty openly, but she finally falls at 2 hrs and 22 minutes, putting the final nail in the coffin for Jessie’s “team”. What a tragedy. Michele, Russell and Jeff are all that remain in the competition. During a lull, Jessie whispers to Russell that he should try and get Jeff to drop by promising to put up Ronnie. Jeff refuses to discuss any sort of deal until Michele drops.

And drop she does, in phenomenal fashion. She falls, but her pants get caught on the seat, so she ends up hanging upside down with her cooter hanging out. Wow. Even for a Big Brother contestant, that is embarrassing. She’s like a nerdy Britney Spears.

Next up: Michele shaves her head and threatens Natalie with an umbrella

Just Jeff and Russell remain; they both agree that Ronnie should be the target this week. Russell mentions in the Diary Room that he overheard a conversation between Ronnie, Lydia and Kevin, and we flashback to Russell snooping behind a door while Ronnie does his Ronnie thing, which is to say a bunch of shit with no real reason for saying it, other than that he thinks it’s somehow strategic. This is the second time Russell has caught him talking behind his back, and when Russell can catch you lying twice, you’re probably not the strategic mastermind you’ve made yourself out to be.

Russ and Jeff ask everyone to go inside so that they can make a deal and end the competition. Russ tells Jeff that his dad just had surgery and he wants the letter that comes along with being HOH to make sure that it went okay. Originally I thought this was a lie, which probably makes me a bad person.

Jeff tells Russ that he wants safety for himself and Jordan and Ronnie up on the block, and makes Russ swear on his father. Russell promises, and Jeff drops out of the competition after 3 hours and 38 minutes. “I have a newfound respect for Jeff, because he can compete on my level,” Russ says. You guys, Russell is SO awesome that no one can compete on his level, especially when it comes to doing things like hanging from toilet seats suspended in midair or spelling confounding words such as ‘shotgun’. When he finds someone that can get hit in the face with a giant foam diploma as many times as he can? That is a rare occurrence indeed. These are life skills, people, and Russell has them in spades. Are you not jealous?

“…and I would have taught Jordan to tell time better than you, too.”

After the competition, Jordan has to pick have nots for the week. Because she is a nice (if possibly mentally handicapped) person, she puts everyone’s name into a hat and draws three out. Natalie, Kevin and Jessie are the unlucky winners this week, and Jessie predictably throws a tantrum. Even Lydia is like “There is no need to be such a baby,” and she should probably be walking around wearing a giant diaper all the time.

“How dare you act more childish than I?”

How will Jessie support his constantly increasing, cartoonishly freakish body mass if all he has to eat is slop? He will waste away to NOTHING, people. If he doesn’t have his guns, what does he have? Actually, that’s probably sort of true. I was making a joke, but now I’m just sad.

Natalie and Jessie talk in the bedroom, fairly sure that they’ll be safe for the week. The deal is that Ronnie’s supposed to go home, but Jessie points out that Russell doesn’t control the votes, just the people that go up, so there’s a chance that they can keep Ronnie around. Of course, the smart thing for Russell to do is tell Natalie that she’s going up as a pawn, ensuring Ronnie’s exit (or Natalie’s, which would be good for him). Natalie, meanwhile, is pissed about Kevin and Lydia dropping so quickly, acting all indignant that they won the five grand for doing nothing. Didn’t she drop, like, twenty minutes after them? It’s not like she hung on for days with nothing to show for it.

Natalie and Jessie eventually migrate to the recycle room, where Ronnie has joined them. A hefty sum will be awarded from my personal bank account to the first houseguest who lodges a chair under the door of that room and traps them in there for the rest of the summer. I’ll double it to trap Lydia in the storage room.

Ronnie presses Jessie and that creepy girl who’s always laying all over him (no, not the annoying one with all the tattoos, the other one) for info about the deal that Russell made with Jeff. They lie to him and tell him they don’t know anything about it, and Ronnie hopes that the secret power will save him, if nothing else. Then, Ronnie looks directly into the camera and begs us to give the power to him. “I’ll use the power for good. This good!” he says, pointing at Jessie and Natalie. Is he really deluded enough to think that associating himself with Jessie will help? That perhaps the same unique brand of douchebaggery and overconfidence that made everyone hate Jessie last season will somehow work this time? Yes, Ronnie, you and Jessie are the protagonists this season and Jeff and Jordan are the villains. Their hearts are full of EVIL.

“Hey, ladies.”

Ronnie continues, diary rooming that he would wield the mystery power like a Jedi Knight, and the editors have a little fun by inserting little lightsaber sounds into his confessional. Why the hell did Ronnie, of all people, get a little campaign? I guess it’s because the producers must know there’s no way in hell America would ever give it to him.

Russell gets his HOH room. You will be shocked to know that Russell dresses like Justin Timberlake circa 2003 when he decides to go for the night. Hey, at least the patrons at Les Deux will know what to expect when he’ll refuse to leave after last call later this fall.

“No, I will not leave! I’m FAMOUS now. Is this the hat of a commoner?”

He reads letter from his father, which is surprisingly well written and full of actual, relevant advice. But having a well rounded, healthy family life is boring, so the show kind of hurries through that. Jeff and Russ talk after everyone leaves, and Russell tells him that he’ll be keeping his word and granting Jeff and Jordan safety. They feel that they can trust each other, and they decide to form a secret alliance that they will keep quiet. The part where they become blood brothers and then Macaulay Culkin gets killed when a wasp nest falls on his head is edited out.

This week’s America’s Choice food for the Have Nots is squash and squid. The house must smell like the Rock of Love Mansion, with all that raw fish in there.

Too mean? Nah.

So Lydia decides to go try and work Russ to keep herself off the block, which apparently involves wearing sunglasses inside and making a half-assed pass at him. She tells him that he’s gotten so much “sweeter” in his eyes thanks to the letter from his dad and all the cute pictures in the HOH room. Russell sees right through what she’s doing, and he can barely keep from rolling his eyes directly in her face.

How can you not look at her like this, all the time?

Lydia then immediately sells Jessie out, telling Russell that Jessie would have nominated him earlier, if it hadn’t been for the clique rule. I’m pretty sure she’s telling the truth because I feel like I’ve heard him say that, but I’m not quite sure. “It’s time to stop being Little Miss Nice Lydia and start playing the game,” she says. Wait, she was being nice before? I guess mean Lydia cuts peoples throats when she watches them sleep like a creepy uncle.

Jessie, Natalie and Chima come upstairs. Russell immediately tattles on Lydia, and they deny everything. Again, I’m pretty sure Lydia’s not lying, but whatever. Jessie says it “conveniently” didn’t come out until Russell was HOH, but whatever. They could have talked about this with Lydia the day before the cliques broke up, you know? Doesn’t mean anything. Not an argument.

Natalie says that Lydia switches allegiances every week to whoever is HOH. There have been a total of two HOHs before this week, and they’ve both been in the same alliance. And what, Lydia was hanging out with Ronnie all day in the HOH and playing with his giant bubble wand when the rest of the house ostracized him? People named Natalie should never, ever be put on this show.

“There are eight douchebags in this house!”

Ronnie then goes to suckle at Russell’s teat, telling him that being loyal to Jeff is a bad idea, since he was trying to get Russell put up the week Ronnie was HOH. While technically true, that seems like ages ago, and allegiances are mostly different now. Also, Ronnie is telling you something, so you should automatically distrust it, since he has learned nothing in the last two weeks. Russell asks who Ronnie would like to see nominated, and he names Lydia and Kevin, since they’ve been floating for the past three weeks. Ronnie asks Russell directly if he’s in danger; Russell tells him no, because why tell Ronnie he’s screwed? Springing it on him is much more satisfying. Also it might make him cry.

Time for nominations. Russell puts Jeff’s key in the box first, which is a nice gesture. Jessie’s key comes out of the box next. He’s wearing a trucker hat, for those of you wondering whether there were any way he could get douchier.

Answer: yes. How is he going to top this? It’s going to have to involve more than one polo shirt.

At the end of the ceremony, Russell has decided to pit Lydia and her pouty face up against Ronnie. At this point, I’d almost rather she go home instead.

Russell announces that he chose to nominate Ronnie because he went behind his back, announcing that he heard the entire conversation he had with Kevin and Lydia. “If you’re gonna catch a snake, you have to be a mongoose, and I am that mongoose,” he says. Someone’s seen Rikki Tikki Tavi a few too many times.

Lydia says that she’s going to fight like “H E double hockey sticks” to stay in the house.

AREN’T I CUTE WITH MY OLD SCHOOL EXPRESSIONS AND OFFBEAT ATTIRE? TELL ME I’M CUTE! TELL ME! (Cries like a baby and runs into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her)

Right before the credits, Ronnie is like “Oh yeah, mongoose? Well, I’m a King Cobra, and that beats a mongoose!”

“My dad can beat up your dad!”

It would be hilarious if they just got into a fight of steadily escalating animals defeating each other, until Ronnie is like “Oh yeah, I’m a tyrannosaurus rex!” and then Russell can’t think of anything to counter with, and so they get into a slap fight and then both get grounded for a week.