Tonight on Big Brother, we get to watch everyone get slammed into a wall over and over again. I wish this had happened in Season 8.
We begin our show tonight with a black-clad Julie looking classy as ever as she summarizes the previouslies for us. It’s like Cliff’s Notes of Cliff’s Notes. You know, for that kid who just copied the back cover of his assigned reading for his book report in third grade. Meanwhile, Renny is inside looking like she just got done with a rousing bout of sexual activity.
As we color in on Dan not using the veto, Dan tells us that his goal in mentioning the money offer was to create chaos and create speculation, since Jerry and April both have money. Michelle tells us that she wants to find out who it was so she can get them kicked out. I’m not sure that would be a factor for me, but it’s Michelle. She was friends with Jessie, people. JESSIE. Michelle talks to Dan about it to try and get something out of him, and he manages not to give anything away whatsoever while Michelle looks on dumbly. Michelle tells the others that she thinks that it was April, because her face looked fake during the veto ceremony. Not to quote Juno or anything, but that’s just how her face looks, Michelle.
Michelle then tells us in the DR that it’s definitely Jerry who offered the money. See, this way she’s right either way! It’s foolproof. Keesha is in the backyard, telling pretty much everyone that there’s no way in hell she’s going to be changing her vote to evict April. She tells them that she would be an idiot to get rid of Jerry. Memphis affirms her sentiment, saying that he can’t stand Jerry, but he’s not changing either. “Everyone needs to stop assuming something’s going on and just get her out,” Memphis tells everyone. What’s going on, why? I don’t understand. This is how you can tell that April is most definitely going home this week: the editors don’t even have enough material to create any sort of doubt about it, so they’ve pulled together random crap to make it look like people are waffling.
April and Ollie are in the hot tub. April starts whining to Ollie nonstop, yapping about how much she doesn’t deserve to be on the block because she’s such a nice person. “I’ve been nothing but nice,” she says. “All I’ve done is do dishes and make cakes.” Yeah, cakes made of HATE. What about two weeks ago when you turned into a complete skank once Michelle won HOH? What about when you started eight million fights by being two-faced? What about all the shit you talk? April tells Ollie she needs to turn Memphis and Dan in order to stay. April says that after everything Jerry said about Dan, she’d be shocked if Dan voted to keep him. Yes, because Dan is so obviously playing the game to spite people instead of being strategic, which is how he is still here after being targeted about eighty times. “If Dan didn’t vote to keep me, America would ask ‘What kind of a person are you?’” A loud one?
Inside, Ollie works Michelle. Ollie tells her that keeping April around is best for Michelle, because she’d be safe if either of them won, and if anyone on the other side wins, there are no guarantees. This makes sense, but it also involves keeping April around, so there’s that to think about. But at least there will be lots of cake! April, who has mysteriously entered the room through the magic of editing, tries to get Michelle to work Dan for the other swing vote. Michelle levels with them, saying that if Dan wants April out and that’s the way the house is going, she’s going to have to vote with them and evict April. But cake, Michelle. CAKE!
In the backyard, Ollie works on Dan while they play some basketball. He says that April and he have “never had anything against” Dan. Well, except after Jessie left when you called him a traitor, and possibly a scallywag. Dan says that he’s pretty sure Jerry is a bigger threat to him, on top of that, having April and Ollie on his side wouldn’t be a bad deal. Dan is honest again, telling Ollie that if he does get rid of April, he doesn’t want Ollie to come after him. Ollie hilariously goes, “Well, you won’t have to worry about that if you keep April!” Yeah, but you will have to worry about EVERYONE ELSE. Idiot.
April then catches Dan in the spa room, and then asks him if Jerry offered him money. Does she have amnesia? Is this Memento? April then makes a bold play, offering him, straight up, two weeks safety from April and Ollie and some money for his vote. Considering that April and Ollie have won a grand total of zero competitions so far, I’m thinking this offer is not exactly a ticket to the finals.
Coming up, we’ll hear from April and Ollie’s family and friends! Wait, make that…right now. Ollie’s dad looks like Cleveland from Family Guy if Cleveland were a preacher. He delivers a sermon from the pulpit as he tells us that he’s never known Ollie to be in an actual relationship. In the hot tub, April tells him to be prepared when he moves to Arizona, because in Phoenix that everyone looks like her. This theory that Arizona is populated with an army of April clones is backed up by the sudden appearance of April’s twin. She makes the weirdly incestuous statement that April likes Ollie so much because Ollie is a lot like her. Wait, what? April’s sister then reminds us what “showmance” means, because we haven’t quite heard it enough on this show. Ollie’s dad is like “Showmass? Is that when you expose your behind?” And then there is an entire room of people in April’s sister’s living room watching Ollie and April make out in bed. That? Is some creepy shit. How odd is it to have your whole family watching you make out in bed in night vision? This is all very Flowers in the Attic, and I am uncomfortable.
I think I had a nightmare like this once.
Back in the studio, it’s time to talk to the houseguests! Ollie gets to go first, and he is sporting a yellow bandana on his head, because when you’re bald and bandanas cannot serve their functional purpose of holding your hair back, you might as well use them to look like a superdouche.
Julie shows him a montage of all of his scary bird shenanigans and all the houseguests crack up laughing. Julie then congratulates Dan on winning his “first competition” in the house. If you think Julie is not paying him back for calling her “Mrs. Chen” then you would be mistaken. He tells Julie that it felt good to finally win, since it’s no secret that he sucks. I’m paraphrasing. Renny then gets asked about her parents, which causes her to get very emotional and give one of her signature long-winded answers. That was mean, Julie. Don’t pull an Amber on Renny and try to make her cry live! That shit should be reserved for people who pray out loud. On camera. Jerry then gets asked about how he’s reacting to being on slop for so long. He says that you just have an open mind, take your punishment, and swallow fast. Hey, just like being in prison!
“Maybe I can turn Julie Chen into a shank.”
Renny’s HOHerview. Julie asks Renny if the other houseguests underestimate her. Renny starts talking in one long, run-on sentence. Somewhere in the galaxy, a star is born. Renny continues to talk. Thousands of years pass, and the star grows large with age, heating the planets around it and fostering the birth of several alien civilizations. Renny continues to talk. More years pass. The star becomes a red giant, and then a white dwarf, creating a supernova. Renny talks. The light created by the supernova travels across the galaxy at the speed of light, crossing great distances as years pass. Somewhere in the Southern Andes, a family of bean farmers picnick on a hilltop with their three children. They see the stellar explosion and enjoy a quiet moment, just the five of them. Renny? Still talks. As the star fades out of view, clothing a world in darkness and again becoming part of the vast black expanse of space, as if nothing were ever there, Renny finally wraps it the fuck up. GOD.
The houseguests get their final words, and April gets to speak first. She says she’s grateful to be here and she asks them to vote what’s best for each person. She makes a charming joke about arranging the cereal boxes in descending order of size and I like her for a brief moment. I’ve seen that in the background of some shots and wondered. Jerry then gets to speak, and it is, of course, a jumbled mess of senile sentimentalism. He says that other than the 26 days of slop, the 44 days they’ve spent there have been great. So, you’re saying over half of it has sucked? I don’t get it. While he’s decked out in Marine gear, he tells them that he “won’t be taking any sour grapes” with him, which is a mixed metaphor, because he’s Jerry and that’s how he rolls. At least he didn’t say “street fighter mentality” again. That made me want to Dragon Punch him.
Time to vote! Keesha votes April, Memphis votes April, Ollie votes Jerry. Dan votes April, but not without trying to fake us out, because he is exactly that kind of dork. Michelle votes April too, so she is gone.
Back from commercial, April gets evicted and hugs everyone, even Keesha. She doesn’t kiss Ollie, she just hugs him and says something quickly before shuffling out the door. It’s a fairly classy exit. She’s soaking up the applause as she walks out the door. I think she has no idea what’s about to hit her once she starts seeing her edit. Julie starts the interview by asking her about relationship with Keesha. Julie uses the word “frenemy”, so we know her vocabulary database has been updated. April says that she has “nothing bad” to say about Keesha, by which she means “I nothing bad left to say, because I have already said it all.” April says that she is confused why Keesha turned on her, which just goes to show you how little she thought about all that. Keesha wasn’t turning on April (although I’m sure that part was satisfying) she just wanted Jessie out. It’s not personal. But whatever, April’s prettier.
Julie then asks about Ollie, and if the whole relationship with him is why she got evicted. April says that she doesn’t think so. She got knocked out because no one likes her and she’s a shit stirrer. Julie asks about Ollie moving in with her, and April says that Ollie was going to move to Arizona anyway, and now he has an extra reason. She also makes it clear that the whole marriage thing was a total joke. You can kind of tell that April is afraid that she just got played by Ollie and she really, really doesn’t want to look like an idiot on national television by telegraphing her feelings.
In the goodbye video, everyone is very nice to her, even Keesha. When it gets to Ollie, he asks her to be his very first girlfriend. Don’t you know you’re supposed to send a Check Yes or No note to your first girlfriend? He’s doing it all wrong. Julie gets all BFF with April, sidling up close to her like they’re getting their nails done and then going “and”? April tells Julie that she’ll say yes. Julie tells April that she’s headed off to the jury house with Libra, and April makes a very charming little villain noise and makes the audience laugh before the Chenbot sends it to commercial. Wow, April was very charming throughout that whole thing. I mean, I’m glad to see her go and everything, but I bet she’s probably not as bad as the show made her look.
Time for the HOH competition! It looks to be endurance right off the bat. There’s a whole jungle setting, and they have to climb up on these perches that are attached to ropes. It starts raining on them immediately, and then the vines start swinging.
America’s Vote! Who should get a phone call? I’m going to bet that Renny or Dan wins this, but I bet Renny.
The headpiece alone should net her the phone call, people.
Back from commercial, Julie announces that there will be a double eviction next Wednesday. The audience oohs, and Julie is like “I know!”. Hee. Back at the HOH competition, Julie heckles the houseguests a bit before the ropes start getting brought up high and then let go, which causes all the houseguests to slam facefirst into a big cushy wall. Awesome. They all laugh at it and seem to enjoy it, but I bet that’s going to be a blast the hundredth time. Also, some producer is probably really enjoying getting his frustrations out on these people, who he’s had to watch for hours at a time for months now. Ollie gets an “Ow, my nuts!” off on national TV, before Julie signs off, making that his greatest contribution to the show thus far.
See? He’s already coming out of his shell.