Big Brother: Hobos Suck at Time Management

Previously on Big Brother, the HGs rallied against the demise of disco.

Ow! My eye!

We start tonight where we left off last week, with the contestants holding on to disco balls for dear life like a sobbing Diana Ross at the closing night “End of Modern-day Gomorra” party at Studio 54 back in 1980. And now, a moment of silence.

_______________________

And I’m back. James tells us that he has to win this HOH because he was stripped of his dignity when he was voted out last week. I am impressed that a pink hawked hobo on a bike who’s done internet porn can be stripped of his dignity. Don’t worry, buddy, no matter what they take from you, you’ll always be wearing a tie from the Old West and a crying priest with a boner. He and Matty Poo nanny boo boo each other in the air, and Julie asks him how he feels being back in the house. He shouts that he’s psyched to be around all the people who voted him out. Oh, wah, wussy.

Chelsia tells us how hurtful it is to be around all those people who lied to Hobo Hank. You really can’t trust people in this game. GO FIG. One minute they’re your bf, the next you find out old dudes have bought them six packs for gay sex shows. Where have all the good people gone?

There’s one!

Josh says that when James was voted out and told everyone to stay seated and not be fake, he felt really guilty because he was his friend. In fact, Josh felt this big.

This is just too easy. I refuse to post the tiny dick link again until we start seeing some residuals.

Moose feels bad too, but Ryan says that he only did what the biggest loud mouthed chick told him to do, so he feels back on track with life. The bot comes over the loudspeaker and tells James that five people voted him back in the game and three didn’t. We know that the three are Ryan, Matty Poo and Sheila, but James doesn’t trust anyone. He was betrayed! WAAAAAHhhhh.

Matty tells James that he was one of the votes that brought him back. Riiiight. James doesn’t believe it and is acting like a defensive wounded dog, shaking his finger at all the hanging HG’s like my dad when I got caught drunkenly stealing his car at 14. “I’m just disappointed in you.” Oh spank me and get it over with. If I knew I was gonna have to deal with your Betsy Wetsy looks for the next part of that year I would have just stayed in with a box of Little Debbies and my Nintendo 64.

Stuff starts shooting out at everyone while they hang, making their chains slippery. Moose is the first to fall, saying his fat ass just isn’t made for wet disco challenges, and no one’s after him anyway. Josh, surprisingly, is second. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I guess I just figured that disco balls equaled a homo win. Nope. Matty’s next down. HAHA. I love it when the biggest shit talkers suck the hardest.

Slap that crack, strong man.

Hobo Hank, Shelia, Sharon and Chelisia are left hanging, and they are subjected to Nat’s endless babbling. Does Matty like her? Do they look cute together? Does anyone have a baby to feed? Ugh. It’s almost worse than being stuck balancing on a stump next to a bile spewing Donato. Almost. Sheila, being batshit crazy, can’t keep her neurotic mouth shut and passes the time by coming right out and telling James that she voted against him. Another brilliant play by the pet. He pulls out one of my Dad’s other favorites. “Well, thank you for telling me the truth.” But I’m still disappointed. Waaaah.

Joshuah sits back and makes small talk. He tells the other guys that Sheila looks disgusting up there with her red skin suit and her fat ass. Surprised you can see her through your cross/slit eyes. dickwad. I’m no Shelia fan, but I feel actual hatred for Josh, so she wins this round in my book. Just once I wanna hear him use that mouth against a man in the house. Just once, you misogynistic little harpie. OMG, it just hit me. Now I know why Josh looks so familiar!

Lyle Lovett, but not as hot.

Sheila says that she’s gonna barf. Then she keeps going on about it. Enough hysterics, lady. Jump. She does, leaving Nat as the only member from her side of the house still holding on. Josh tries to cut a deal with her, but it doesn’t work. How long is it going to be before he starts spewing some hate her way? You know it’s coming. If you have a tiny penis and no upper body strength, the best thing to do is make a girl cry. That strategy doesn’t make much sense to me either, but it’s kept Josh in the game so far. I can’t believe he’s being so calm.

Nat just keeps yapping away in her Cheri O’Teri scratch, which is now visibly making Hobo Hank insane. It’s almost enough to make a guy go gay for a day. Or forever, if you have an internet connection. He asks Nat to quiet down and let him concentrate on competing. LOL. Shhhhh. I’m hanging on a chain and need to think! Sharon’s down!

Don’t forget to floss.

Moose has made his way over to where Sharon and Josh are sitting, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Matty and Ryan. They know that he’ll turn instantly, and he must be banished! Since these two guys couldn’t win this challenge by a long shot, they sit on the sidelines and shit talk everyone else. Matt wonders how in the world people gave James another chance. Hey! That’s the exact same thing I said about you at the end of the last episode! Small world. Then they wonder why Nat was so afraid of a mystery guest cough anyone pretty cough that she would vote Hobo Hank back in. Ryan’s answer: because she’s an idiot. Boooo, midget face. I’m not necessarily disagreeing with him, but I call her an idiot with love.

Matt promises to give Nat that massage, and she starts humping the chain and panting like a puppy. She tells James that neither he or Chelsia are her targets for the week, but he doesn’t care. He was backdoored so he’s gonna backdoor someone else! Flip flop is the only fair way to rumble. Why should he be the only person limping for a week? Chelsia hasn’t said one word for two hours, and I kinda like her. Then she falls and I like her even more.

Now it’s between Nat and James, who looks like he’s wobbling. It’s three and a half hours into the challenge and James looks like he’s in serious pain. He tells us that he has a lot of pent up rage and anger and homosexuality that keeps him hanging on, but Nat has something stronger. A completely delusional crush on a roofuh. She just swings back and forth winking and staring. It’s sick. And hilarious.

One way or another, I’m gonna getcha, I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha….

James, about to lose it completely, tries to make a deal. If she puts midget face on the block, he’ll drop. Nat considers it, and I wish I could press pause and drive to CBS to tell her that Ryan just called her an idiot. He is scared and actually has the nuts to ask James if he would betray him like that. LOL. Ryan is seriously one dim bulb. Nat doesn’t take the deal, which is extremely stupid, because she starts getting sick and is forced into making a deal. She wants safety for Matty. Oh man. He agrees and she falls. DAMMIT!!! Matt almost loses his shit, but he says that he is gonna stick to his promise of a massage. How generous of you.

Nat is sick and panting on the ground and starts crying and saying that she’s sorry over and over. Aw. Poor little nut. She looks like a drowned rat. Matt says that he’s impressed with her strength and it showed him a different side of her. AWWWWWewwwww. Then James comes over to her and hugs her, telling her he loves her and will stick to his word. She throws a quarter into his coffee cup and all is forgiven. Well, not quite. Nat can’t forgive one person. Herself.

I’m never gonna find a husbaaaand!!!

Matt tries to make her feel better by promising (again) a massage and adds another possible future under the covers blow job. He also says that she was like Jesus up there to him, “dying for Matty”. I picture Jesus up in Heaven with a big glass of wine, sitting up in his chair and pressing pause. “Oh no he didn’t!” Yes, Jesus. Oh yes, he did.

Josh meets Sharon in the pantry and asks if she thinks he will be put up this week. HAH. I love seeing him so insecure. Sharon assures him that Moose’s head will be on the chopper because Hobo Hank knows how honest and true she and Josh are. Rigggght. Ryan finds Nat and asks her what the hell she was thinking when she voted James back in and she says that she was terrified that Allison was gonna come back and she had little boobies, but boobies are all the same and she needs Matty to focus. Ryan shakes his jowels at her like she’s the biggest moron in the world, and I wonder if this is the first time he’s ever had the pleasure of feeling intellectually superior. Good for him!

Ryan sees that his mistake was not programming her before the vote. She kept squealing over and over again that she didn’t know what to do, and Josh was the only one with enough smarts to shout/whisper “JAMES!” as he passed her in the hallway, so she voted for James. Duh. Ryan tries to explain that she just handed power to the other side of the house again, and she’s like, woops sorry where’s Matty? My shoulders hurt and momma needs milkin’.

Wow. How did you get such an angular jaw?

And now for the best reason to watch this show two years running: The Bible! Moose and Matty lie around and read the pink Bible, trying to add up cubits and spans to figure out how big Goliath was. Nine feet? “He was one big dude.” “Ya man, that’s a big dude.” Then Matt gets a tiny boner when he finds out that Jacob married two chicks in one week. Midget face comes in and they tell him that Goliath was nine feet tall. He’s all “Really? And David took him out, huh?” Ryan is happy that his friends are studying the great book, because there are a lot of references to David and Goliath in real life. If church service was given on the Staten Island Ferry, I’d like to think this is how it would sound. Magdalene was one hot bitch, yo. How the Earth hasn’t been flooded or set on fire yet is honestly beyond my comprehension.

Madonna’s in the Bible! That bitch is old, brah.

James shows the HG’s his HOH room, and on the wall are quarters he’s earned panhandling all across the Midwest. Look! It’s the Georgia peach! He tries to sell the Peanut M and M’s from his snack basket to his friends, claiming it’s for a charity, but no one buys it. Oh, crazy James, you’re crazy. Does it smell like dried pee and unwashed underwear in here? The room clears pretty quickly.

And finally, Nat gets her massage. Matt tells her that he loves her NOT IN THAT WAY and appreciates her hanging on so long for him. Then he tells her to put her boobies away and gets a ten foot pole to attach to massage ball rollers. How romantic. She’s in heaven, and thinks hanging from a disco ball for five and a half hours is a small price to pay for that sweet squeak squeak squeaking sound the rollers are making as her roofuh rolls his eyes and halfheartedly does his duty. He must have a huge one.

Later, Josh and Sharon hang out with Matty in a bedroom and Josh tries to figure out who the third vote against James was. Matt, red in the face and shifty eyed, swears up and down that it wasn’t him, and Josh is actually kinda convinced. Dumbass. He thinks that it might be Matt, but it could also be Moose, and he’s gonna put on his Nancy Drew tude and crack this case so Hobo Hank will gun for “them guys” this week.

He goes to find Moose in the kitchen and questions him. It takes a second for Moose to realize he’s being accused of lying, but when he does, he believably and confidently claims it wasn’t him.

Oh shit, was it me?

Both Moose and Matt are scared shitless about Josh’s accusation. WHO CARES WHAT THAT LITTLE C WORD THINKS? God. Why does everyone let this bitch control EVERYTHING? Kick his ass already. Moose marches right up to James and shouts that he voted for him to come back and not let anyone else tell him otherwise. Then he paces back and forth really fast and says it another five times before pointing at Josh and telling him not to put words in his mouth and drag him into a he said/she said, which cracks me up, because he’s calling Josh a girl without even realizing it. Hobo Hank just looks at the ground and Josh, who just got exactly what he wanted, throws his hands up like “whaaaat?”.

I don’t want a fight, here. You’re not a girl.

The next morning, Josh flits around shirtless (why God?) and feather dusts. He, amused by and enamored of himself as usual, smiles sheepishly and tells us he loves being a free spirit and throwing dirt on people’s beds that he doesn’t like. He seriously threw dirt on, like, five beds. Charmer. He won a letter from home in the veto competition, so he goes to the hot tub and tells Nat and Chelsia to put their tops on and stop passing themselves around long enough to read it. They do, and he sobs and sobs as he butchers English. The letter is really touching.

Dearest Joshua,

Love,

Proud Mom

Proud.

I cheated on my “diet” tonight, so I was grateful to have this scene to help me throw up every thing I have eaten for the past week. I’m not kidding. There was a piece of Orbit in there from last Tuesday. Moose is the only one with a face to match what he just heard.

Dude. Your mom’s a fag.

Ryan makes his way up to the HOH room and wakes James up from a nap to have a talk. Smooth move. He has no plan and just stutters around, saying nothing, which pisses off James even more. He asks him WTF he was thinking by backdooring him, and Ryan just gets bug eyeed and jowel shakied and offers up no reason. There was no plan, there was no reason. How do you say that? By stuttering and shaking your jowels and making bug eyes, I guess. Ryan is totally gonna win this thing.

James tries to stress how horrible and terrifying it was to get evicted and have to try and talk to a robot, and Ryan reminds him that he, too, was evicted once. James says “yeah but I had to walk through the door.” Shut up, Victim Vicky. The truth is you both have NO game and are still on TV because CBS hasn’t come up with any quality programming to replace you yet and extended the season.

James tells us that for sure midget face is going up, but he doesn’t know who to put next to him because “every single person besides Chelsia betrayed me!” Good Lord. Has he forgotten his suggestion that Ryan put Chelsia up last week? Hypocrite Hobo. Hey, there’s an idea for some quality programming! A hobo promises to do a dance for your change and then jumps on his bike and splits once he gets it. Tuesdays on CBS.

Could it be any worse than this BS?

Moose is still flabbergasted that James is even considering him as a target, and Matt doesn’t doubt that he’s in trouble, either. James promised his safety, but “nevuh trust a guy with pink hayah!” Then we see James pull Matt’s key from the wall. That’s why you were evicted in the first place, dumdum. Honesty and integrity have no place here!

In the nomination ceremony, Hobo Hank drags out a pedestal and stands on it. Then he gives a sermon about guess what? Honesty and integrity. Then he slaps Sheila on the wrist and says he is nominating her because she looked him straight in the eye and lied to him and he is very disappointed in her. She seconds that emotion, like it was her idea in the first place. Cookoo cookoo. Then, shocker, he nominates midget face. The best thing about all this is that he spends this entire time acting holier than thou and lecturing instead of asking politely for donations to his ride your bike around the country spreading peace and blowjobs tour. Never count on a hobo to wrap his mind around time management. Lesson learned.