Previously on Big Brother, I laughed my ass off.
He’s crying like a priest with a boner.
We pick up where we left off Sunday. Sheila tells Moose he’s a big jerk, which makes him smile that GQ smile of his. HAWT. She tells us that she never never NEVER would have done this to heeim and blah blah blah. You would never do this to him because you would never get the chance. You don’t win any competitions!! She gets into bed and stews in her depression, but she should be doing pushups. Or counting things. Or practicing pouring gravy after the mashed potato banks were built. I know. I can’t believe I just typed that either. Point is, Sheila is one of the most entertaining locos in the house right now, but damn. She really sucks.
Moose hugs a smiling Sharon and apologizes, and then shouts “bring it on!” to no one in particular. Ryan passes him, glaring. Moose asks him not to be mad but Ryan gives him the same silent treatment he gets from Jen every time he harps on her about that black dude she dated in college. James tells us that no one really understands who he is in this game. That’s because you’re changing personalities every five minutes, you psycho. Anyway, I think the dimmest bulb on the tree does understand exactly who you are. My favorite line Sunday was when Nat told Moose. “He’s a con artist! He’s a bum! That’s what bums do! They try to con you!” LOL, Nat.
Speak of the devil hater, Nat sidles up to Hobo Hank and breathes through her mouth as she congratulates him for not being on the block for the first time in a month. She’s gonna play both sides to save her butt just in case James does win the veto so she has a chance at being safe next week. Sure it’s fake and shady, but the good thing about being on Team Christ is that you can just plop down on your knees and say you’re sorry later. Moose isn’t liking the cold shoulder he’s getting from his alliance, so he gets all gangsta and tries to convey his toughness. Did you see Enchanted? Doesn’t he look like the old evil witch in this pic?
Sorry, Susan Sarandon.
Everyone ignores Moose in the kitchen. Sheila comes in and he asks her if she understands why he did what he did. She says yes and it’s just a game and she can take it, but she says it while she speed walks from place to place for no reason at all, so you know she’s pissed. Then she leaves! WTF? What’s happened to crazy ass Sheila? Come back!! Wait! There she is!
I knew I could count on you, babe!
She power walks back in and gets in Moose’s huge face and let’s him have it. She says that she never would have done this to heeim and carries on and on. He just smiles and tells her that she won’t be going home and if he wins the veto he will take her off the block. She screams that he’s the one who put her there in the first place and then as she walk runs away, she pauses and we say at the same time “DER!” Then she goes into the bedroom and keeps repeating “I never would have done this to heeim!” over and over and over again to Ryan, who finally just gets up and leaves. What else can you do?
He tells us that Moose is a moron if he thinks James won’t use his possible veto to take Sharon off the block so either Ryan or Nat will go up, leaving James and Sharon in control. Glad to see someone over there knows how to add. Ryan is so worked up that he goes to the kitchen, where everyone else is, and bitches at Moose, who insists that James will stick to his promise and not use the veto if he wins it. Ryan doesn’t buy it, and James gives him this look:
What have I ever done to make you think I’m a horrible person?
James tells him to stop being so negative. HAHA. This guy’s a piece of work. The sun goes down and then Sheila is still ranting and raving. Nat tells her to shut up and use her brain to concentrate on winning so they can get James out and then get rid of Moose next week. Moose knows he boned it. He talks to Sharon while she takes a hot tub and smiles goofily. He asks her if James will use the veto on her if he wins and she says she doesn’t know. Then he asks her if he did the wrong thing and she plays with the water and says she doesn’t know. LOL. I am really starting to like Sharon. Moose looks like he’s gonna cry and she does what she does best. Nothing.
Later that night, once Sheila has finally calmed down, she sits in the kitchen and talks to Moose. He has realized that he made an idiot move and she says that she understands why he did it and she will forgive him but he’s screwed as far as the rest of their alliance is concerned. He turns away and she gives a look like “what a fucking tool”. She gives that look when people turn away all the time, and I just love it.
Is anyone watching this?
Moose hugs Nat and apologizes to her and then goes to the massage room with her and Sheila, telling them that he knows he’s a dumbass, but he blames it on Satan’s tongue. He needs subtitles for everything he says, and this time the editors put them over a shot of Hobo Hank. Seriously, editors, I love you.
Ryan comes in and Moose falls over himself apologizing. Ryan forgives him and then Moose stutters and blah blah blahs. Nat tells us that she doesn’t trust James, and she tells Sheila in the kitchen the same thing. Sheila warns him that the Hobo is right behind her so Nat repeats loud enough for everyone to hear that if James wins she or Ryan will be going home. He promises again that he won’t use the veto if he wins it. Nat, Moose, and James are left alone and Moose tells James that everyone’s pissed at him for not nominating him and James asks innocently, “who?” HA. Nat says that she’s pissed because she doesn’t trust James and James says that he doesn’t trust her either and how does he know that she won’t use the veto to get rid of him? DUH, that’s the plan. Instead of saying that, Nat says that she wants to make an arrangement. ARGH.
Why are you bargaining with him? She better be lying, but insists to him that she isn’t. He says that he wants to trust her but he hasn’t been able to. Good Lord, people. You’re all liars! Haven’t you ever seen this show? Nat promises that if he wins POV and doesn’t use it that she won’t put him on the block if she wins HOH. That’s a lot of ifs. He takes the deal.
He goes to talk to Sharon, who is still in the hot tub (dang, girl) and tells her the news. Sharon says if he believes for just one second Nat is on his side he’s stupid. He says that he trusts Nat because she came to him and said she wants to work with him on the down low, and he’s very comfortable with the down low, as we all know. I rhyme! Sharon tries to talk some sense into him, but he doesn’t budge.
Get outta there before you give yourself a heart attack!
Later, in bed, James starts whining to Sharon about how hard it is to be so isolated by everyone else. Oh, wah. Who are you talking to? Sharon’s on the block AGAIN, a hole! She listens to him complain, and I love that even in the dark she is always rolling her eyes. She reminds him gently that it hasn’t been easy for her either. Her first partner got her evicted, and then Josh was always going off on people, which got the target on her back again. James says “yeah, but Josh played one hell of a game.” Yeah, that’s why he’s gone, dumbass. He continues on about having a pink mowhawk and child molester tattoos, but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person! No, they don’t make you a bad person. They just accentuate the shitty person you are.
Sharon starts crying about how much she loves and misses Josh (who stabbed her in the back repeatedly) and James says he loves and misses Chelsia (who he called a psycho bitch before stabbing in the back) and soft tinkly music plays and it’s just soooo sweet. I hope that James does win HOH one more time just so we can see him turn into insta-dick again. I am starting to wonder if he ever was a jerk or if it was all in my head. He tells Sharon that she’s doing great and she’s a good person and deserves all good things. Tinkly music. Awwww! I don’t know what to think anymore.
The whole world has gone mad. Mad, I tell you!
Because James is playing nice and Nat is out of things to count, there isn’t much going on in the house. Thankfully, we’re treated to a montage of Sheila cleaning up after “these keeids”. They’re total slobs and have never picked up after themselves. She asks herself “how were they raised?” Now you’re asking? You’ve got a bikini barista, a pink mohawked hobo, a closet racist, a giant oaf who calls his mentally challenged underlings “retahds”, and you’re baffled by a towel on the floor and a dish in the sink? If only their parents had raised them in the Guccione mansion while they went to work giving cooze shots. Thank God you’re there to set them straight, Sheila. It takes a village, people.
The backyard is set up like the Indiana Jones set for the POV. Nat says that with all the sand and stone, it feels like a desert paradise. She overlooks the skulls impaled on sticks all over the place.
There are a bunch of numbered rocks in the sand. Questions will be about what day certain events happened. Sheila is freaking out because she never knows what day it is and can’t remember crap, so like the other physical, mental, and just plain luck challenges, this one “eesn’t for me!” Nat is confident because she counts more than anyone and that should count for something even though she often counts wrong. I tried to find a way to get another “count” in there but I couldn’t swing it. So sorry! She is the first eliminated when she guesses the day Chelsia left as number “best day ever”.
Fake rain starts pouring down and James gets himself all fired up. He says “the harder they want me out the harder I’m going to stay.” LOL. His English is especially hilarious after just telling us that “I’m the mental one” less than two minutes ago. He and Sheila are tied for furthest from the answer on the next question, but since James was at the slab first, Sheila is out. I call BS! I love how the rules are made up as we go along.
The next question is what day the couples were split. Moose says he is one hundred percent sure of the answer because it’s the day he “divorced the old lady”. HA. He’s right. So are Sharon and Ryan. James is out! HA again! Sharon is out next, leaving Ryan and Moose. Ryan says that he will take the veto if Moose doesn’t want to make any more enemies. I don’t get it. Wouldn’t Moose want to redeem himself with Sheila? Just guess the same answer and let Ryan get on the slab first. Moose makes a really lame show of standing still and counting the number of days it took to see the mystery box. As Ryan passes he asks him for the answer and Ryan says thirty five. Subtle, nimrods. Moose guesses 34 and throws it. Anyone else impressed with the brain on Ryan? I didn’t know he had it in him. Congrats!!
Sheila cries with joy and Nat says she knew they would win because the final number was Matty’s bday. Wait. Is that what she said? I rewound a couple times but I can’t tell. Anyway, she says Matty’s birthday about five times. Good lord, stalker. Give it a rest already. Ryan comes in dancing around and Nat’s not feeling coocoo enough so she adds:
Bible reading helps. Also, COUNTING’s good. Whatevs.
Nat gives Team Christ a shout out and then says Matty’s gonna get his birthday present. A night of privacy with James? What the hell are you talking about, woman? Later, Sheila and Sharon sit by the fire and have a little chat. Sharon says that Nat has been trying to make deals with James, which bowls Sheila over. She says that she always knew Nat would ultimately betray her. In your words, DER! Everyone will betray each other. That’s how to play. She says that the only person she trusts is herself. I don’t know if that’s wise. You’re a two faced liar who can’t win comps, but play your way. And I have to add, wow, Sharon. Nice to see you playing!
Sheila finds Ryan and says that she doesn’t want to ever have to turn on anyone and she swears that she will never gun for him. She keeps repeating herself until he finally suggests that Nat isn’t on the up and up. Oooh, burn. Nat’s gonna get it if she doesn’t watch her butt. Where did Ryan even get that? Oh and by the way, it’s STILL a full moon. Sharon eye roll. James finds Ryan later and begs him to not use the veto. Ryan starts asking him if Nat’s tried to make deals, to which he of course answers “yes.” Then Ryan starts dissing Nat and saying that she’s a sneaky little liar. OMG. Can these people really be dumb enough to let James stay? PLEASE GOD, NOOOOOOO!!! Whattya know, this show is good for religion.
James lies to Ryan, saying that Nat came to him before the POV and said that if she won, she wouldn’t use it so they could work together. Since this has less to do with counting smarts and more to do with common sense, Ryan falls for it hook line and sinker and says that he would love to have James as an ally. James says that if he doesn’t use the veto, they could get rid of Sheila and keep Sharon, making it three against two. Oh man. And I thought this was gonna be boring!. I gotta hand it to James. He’s playing like a pro. He’s very sure of himself, which makes me sure of him. I hate this feeling.
Only on Big Brother could this guy be the brains.
HAHAHAHAH. Good question.
Ryan stares at the wall and pretends to think about stuff. Now that he has some power, he’s talking with a thick Southern accent, which is bizarre and awesome. He says that James sounded convincing but James is a liar, so what to do? He listens to Sharon and Sheila’s pointless speeches and then pulls his head out of his ass and takes Sheila off the block. Moose takes the floor and and butchers the English language as he nominates James. YAAAAY!!! James tells Ryan that his “alliance” voted him out once before and he gave him a chance and then he whines to us that everyone’s against him. Oh boo hoo, wuss. See ya!
Now, here’s the rub. Team Christ is BOOOOOORRRRING. Will they come up with something to do to keep our asses awake?