Live Blog: Big Brother: I Gave Her My Heart, She Gave Me A Suitcase Key

Hey! Flipit and Schoonie here again for our second live recap of Big Brother. We’ve had some good times this week making fun of Amber’s conversations with God and Eric’s wacko eyebrows in our own recaps, but nothing is more fun than kicking back and ragging on this show with a friend.

So sit back, loosen that tie (or slip off the Spanx), and for crying out loud, watch out for the tether ball. It’s time for Big Brother: LIVE!

After the credits, Joe tells us how mortified he is that Jen won the HOH challenge because of a trick question. He’s sick of all the stupid people getting ahead in the world. We had to rewind this part because he was wearing only a tie and we were both shellshocked.

S (7:03:50 PM): WTF Joe? Maybe I should just change it to ‘What The Joe’, because he is wearing a TIE and that’s it.

F (7:05:14 PM): UGH that tie really accentuates your nipples. And you’re right, Joe. Stupid people do win every time.

S (7:05:52 PM): Dude, Joe has no room to talk about stupidity when he’s got a TIE on and that’s it.

F (7:06:28 PM): HAH true dat. He’s not stupid though, just FLAMING and ridiculous.

S (7:06:27 PM): I know…I actually sort of don’t mind him. Is it bad that I’m totally looking forward to the Jen reign?

F (7:06:59 PM): OMG me too!!!!

S (7:06:57 PM): She’s so random and dumb, it’s going to be great.

F (7:07:09 PM): I love that her guess was that the tea cup only held 41 gallons. LOL.

S (7:07:03 PM): I KNOW! She probably misheard the question and roughly estimated the number of times Amber’s cried, and then wrote that down instead.

F (7:07:43 PM): She was still waaaay short.

Daniele is worried that Jen is HOH.

F (7:07:46 PM): Daniele is right. Jenius is coming for her.

S (7:07: 49 PM): I know….it’s sad.

F (7:07:52 PM): She’ll be a pile of bones when Jen’s done. Oh wait, she already is. It’ll still hurt.

Dustin confessionals in his pirate regalia that they have a drinking game, and whenever Jen talks about herself (and says “I” or “my”), they drink.

F (7:08:55 PM): Aaargh, gay pirate!

S (7:07:57 PM): Best. Drinking game. EVER.

F (7:09:13 PM): I love the dumb girl surf music they’re playing.

S (7:08:04 PM): Other drinking games to play during Big Brother: every time you see Mike and think, “Who the fuck is that? A cameraman or something?” drink.

F (7:09:41 PM): He’s the guy with the body who looks like Austin from Days of Our Lives. Drink when they show random Zack. Is that his name?

S (7:08:10 PM): Every time Amber cries, drink. And every time I make fun of Amber for crying, drink then, too.

Dustin baits Jen during the drinking game to talk some more about herself. And her eyebrows.

S (7:08:40 PM): Dustin is baiting her. Having dated Joe, he’s clearly well versed at getting people to put feet in mouths.

F (7:10:03 PM): And other stuff. She doesn’t shape her brows? I am so sure! She is saying that as she plucks! I love love love her.

Dick refuses to go check out Jen’s HOH room.

S (7:09:40 PM): Dick’s bitching about Jen wanting all the attention when he’s stuck in a house with his estranged daughter on national television? Yeah, Jen’s the attention whore on a REALITY TV SHOW.

F (7:11:16 PM): Dirty’s feelings are still hurt that she thinks he’s gross. He says he doesn’t care, but I don’t buy it. He’s from LA. Those girls rule the world there. He so cares.

S (7:10:10 PM): It’s the same room this year! That sucks.

F (7:11:24 PM): UH OH more pics on the wall. And she’s upset with them. SHOCKER!!

S (7:10:37 PM): They should have put that memory wall photo of her up on every frame. Just surround her with her crap pictures.

Jen bitches about having “old” pictures on her wall in the HOH room.

F (7:11:34 PM): I love that two years ago was like a decade ago.

S (7:11:11 PM): She’s taking DOWN pictures.

F (7:12:27 PM): She took down the pic of her MOM!!! How rude!

Happy Mother’s Day

Joe talks to Jen in her room about putting Dustin up.

F (7:13:13 PM): Put those silver dollars away, Joe. I’m in Vegas and you’re just making me want to gamble away my life.

S (7:12:26 PM): Amber has a cup full of Joe’s nipples, just hanging out at the slot machine.

F (7:14:43 PM): Hey! I put a nipple in this machine and the slot won’t pull! WTF?

F (7:14:54 PM): Throw a nipple in the fountain and make a wish.

F (7:14: 57 PM): I’ll give you a nipple tomorrow for a hamburger today!

F (7:13:46 PM): Jen doesn’t trust Joe, she’s smarter than she looks.

S (7:13:02 PM): You know who else she doesn’t trust? Her mom. And photography in general, I think.

A commercial for ‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry’ airs.

F (7:15:40 PM): UGH this Adam Sandler acting gay movie is making me ill already.

F (7:15:56 PM): Is that the King of Queens he’s doing?

S (7:15:01 PM): Oh, HAR HAR.

F (7:16:45 PM): You mean rim shot? If you want to get people back in the closet, that flick will do it.

S (7:17:32 PM): What the Joe did I sign up for?

F (7:16: 50 PM): Kail will take her kids to see it ten times, just in case they get any funny ideas.

Mike and Nick work out in the backyard while Dustin and Zach mock them.

S (7:16:15 PM): Is this the requisite gratuitous workout shot or something?

F (7:17:29 PM): Now that’s a couple I wanna see act gay.

F (7:17:41 PM): Oh, Zach, you’re a riot with that German accent. Shut your mouth and lift a weight. You need something to offset that gap in your teeth.

S (7:16:36 PM): This is…completely not funny. I wish they would crack up laughing and drop the weights on themselves.

F (7:18:40 PM): HAHA. The first BB death of the season.

S (7:17:58 PM): Seroiusly, the editors are really trying to make this hilarious/interesting with the editing, but..I don’t see it.

F (7:19:01 PM): Dustin’s lying on his tummy to hide his boner.

Nick and Daniele flirt. If you can call it that. It’s more…Nick hits on Daniele while she completely shuts him down.

S (7:18:07 PM): Uh oh! Romance time. Or…bromance time? Nick has no game.

F (7:19:57 PM): These two are ridiculous. How can you wanna bone a girl that has Dick’s face? I’ve seen better game in the Bingo room.

S (7:19:30 PM): Did he just giver her the ‘key to his heart’? That’s…fuckin’ dumb.

F (7:20:48 PM): How come Nick always has the same amount of wannabe upper lip hair?

S (7:19:46 PM): He has Jase hair, like I said earlier.

F (7:21:08 PM): I call it the Pomade helmet.

S (7:20:03 PM): Why is he on the floor? She totally won’t let him get up in the bed with her.

F (7:21:31 PM): Cuz it’s his game, baby! She has to invite him into bed.

S (7:20:48 PM): If she does, do they provide her with a lint roller? He probably leaves a lot of hair around.

F (7:22:19 PM): Yeah, cleaning the drains is gonna be a HOH challenge.

Jen and Kail hang out in the HOH and talk game.

S (7:20:18 PM): Daniele just said that “Kind of a lot of people” are after Jen. HA. “Kind of”a lot of people.

F (7:21:50 PM): They all hate her. I love her so much. She’s Jentile.

F (7:22:09 PM): And she’s starting to talk about girl power!!! I like watching Jenius try to think.

S (7:21:36 PM): Kail is worried about Nick getting nominated? Kail has no game. And her headband…

F (7:23:18 PM): Yeah, because they are in an alliance, right? So she needs him to stay. I hope she trips and her headband gets stuck on a nail and hangs her. She’s offensively boring.

S (7:22:36 PM): I’d…what are the schematics of that happening, exactly?

F (7:24:30 PM): Um… She would fall back, the headband would catch on a nail and then she would get up and fall forward again. It could totally happen.

S (7:23:42 PM): Oh! Yeah, I can see that. Like, a random earthquake or something?

S (7:23:49 PM): Or she slips on a puddle of Amber’s tears?

F (7:25:06 PM): Yeah! An earthquake! Good idea!! Maybe God will get so sick of listening to Amber bitch and moan to him about her petty problems that he’ll cause one.

S (7:25:09 PM): I just made fun of Amber again. Drink! And God does not care about Big Brother.

F (7:26:09 PM): All he needs to do is watch it once and he’ll be hooked. Tonight while I’m praying for poor kids I’ll slip in a plug.

Food competition time!

S (7:25:58 PM): Seriously, Name That Pie? Fox totally made a pilot of this like three seasons ago.

F (7:26:06) Name that hair pie. That’s the Showtime version.

S (7: 26:01) And all the girls and Joe?

F (7:27:26 PM): He’s the most fem of all of them except Jessica.

S (7:26:31 PM): Half these peeps are cake eaters, yo, so they should be fine.

S (7:27:00 PM): Bacon and Banana? That is effing nasty.

S (7:27:16 PM): BAM! Dani got it.

F (7:28:31 PM): Atta girl.

S (7:27:22 PM): Jameka just taunted Dick. Way to tell us in confession that the pie is….not good!

F (7:28:49 PM): No shit, Jameka. What’d you expect, Marie Callendar to guest star?

S (7:27:52 PM): That’s totally from the Jen school of interviewing…my favorite part of Thursday was her all “Voting to evict someone was…fun?”

F (7:29:11 PM): HAHAH that was hilarious.

S (7:28:03 PM): And wait, Potato and Pineapple? What are these, alliteration pies?

F (7:29:20 PM): EW who gets the spam pie? I hope it’s Daniele. She needs the protein.

Eric takes his turn with the pies, and the camera scans the ingredient board.

F (7:29:48 PM): Eric is naming the pie with his eyebrows. It’s like a weird kind of Morse Code.

S (7:28:49 PM): What the fuck does Cactus taste like? Is it even edible? Why is it on the list?

F (7:30:16 PM): Yeah people drink cactus juice. I don’t know why.

S (7:29:24 PM): Hot Dog and Strawberry? Did Britney Spears make these pies?

S (7:29:42 PM): Pepperoni! One of the pies is made of pepperoni! April’s dog is in the pie. Forget it, Howie made these pies. My bad.

F (7:30:58 PM): You are a card, Schoonie.

S (7:30:15 PM): Dude….the chicks have eaten more pie than the dudes?

F (7:31:30 PM): Daniele will have to name that pie on the way back up. Will she have time?

S (7:30:26 PM): OH SNAP. That is wrong, yo.

F (7:31:54 PM): Sorry, anorexics, I’ve gained ten pounds in a week and I’m bitter.

F (7:33:27 PM): This dramatic music kills me. It’s like when Roman found out Marlena was cheating on him.

S (7:32:25 PM): I know…they’re eating PIE, for god’s sake. But that’s why this show rules.

The male team wins. Dick tells us he’s worried that Daniele has to eat slop for the second straight week.

S (7:33:41 PM): Dick looks just like a father who would be concerned about proper nutrition.

F (7:35:11 PM): Be sure to heat that needle first, honey. You don’t wanna catch a cold. Or AIDS.

S (7:34:12 PM): Wow. An AIDS joke? That’s completely wrong. You are raw tonight!

F (7:35: 26): It was about bad parenting, not AIDS. And I’m never raw. Always covered. I don’t want AIDS.

Commercial! Bathroom break.

F (7:36:21 PM): Ew. My pee totally smelled like Starbucks. How does that happen? It comes out like pee, but smells like a venti iced two pump non fat no whip mocha.

S (7:36:14 PM): Dude, overshare.

F (7:37:52 PM): I know, like you care what my drink order is.

S (7:37:59 PM): It’s long.

F (7:38:06 PM): This one barista rolled her eyes at me the other day and I almost smacked her across the bar.

America’s Player gets his assignment. Who should he target?

F (7:39:02 PM) Hey Eric, target yourself.

S (7:39:07 PM): I sort of don’t mind him.

F (7: 39:11 PM): Sorry, he seems like a nice kid, but those eyebrows are killing me.

F (7:39:25 PM): Target Jessica?!? WTF AMERICA? That’s like getting rid of Balky!

F (7:39:32 PM): Annoying, but necessary.

S (7:38:28 PM): Whatever, she’s been a bitch about Carol all week.

F (7:39:44 PM): But she’s hilarious.

S (7:38:43 PM): I…can’t stand her.

F (7:40:04 PM): Isn’t she your dating type?

S (7:39:02 PM): How the fuck do you know that?

F (7:40:26 PM): I learn a lot from reading blogs, Schoonie.

People keep talking about Jen wanting to be the only hot chick in the house.

S (7:39:14 PM): What’s with all this discussion about being ‘the hot chick’?

F (7:40:38 PM): I got news for ya. Nick’s the hot chick in this house.

S (7:39:57 PM): Is Nick wearing a Survivor buff?

F (7:41:13 PM): I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention. I’m hungry.

S (7:40:26 PM): She is going after Nick hardcore. He already gave Daniele the key to his suitcase, though. Which is romantic, if you work for airport security.

S (7:41:04 PM): Does his hair emit rare pheromones or something? I don’t get the whole ‘Nick’s hot’ thing.

F (7:42:24 PM): Cuz you’re a breeder. He was very careful to say he and Daniele aren’t having “sexual intercourse”. Bill Clinton taught us a lot.

S (7:41:27 PM): Wow…way to drag that dusty old one out of the closet.

F (7:42:56 PM): Yeah, I know. Sorry about that! It’s a live blog! They can’t all be golden!

S (7:41:55 PM): Just so you know, I’m editing that out.

F (7:43:05 PM): THANK YOU.

Jen goes into Dick’s room and starts yapping while he tries to sleep.

S (7:42:15 PM): Uh oh….Dick’s trying to sleep.

F (7:43:45 PM): And Jen’s talking about hair maintenance. She’s just trying to help you, Dirty! Listen to her!

S (7:42:36 PM): In jeans.

F (7:44:31 PM): Jeans are like pajama bottoms to heroin addicts.

Dick goes off on Jen, who is suspiciously putting stuff into her bag that is not in the HoH room. I see you up there, editors!

S (7:43:26 PM): Seriously, all the shit she’s done and she gets yelled at for yacking while he sleeps? Look at Jameka in the corner of the screen trying not to laugh.

F (7:44:56 PM): Good time to tell her off, Dick. When she’s HOH. Smart move.

S (7:44:28 PM): She’s wearing the outfit she wore on Thursday, though, so I’m thinking that’s misleading editing.

F (7:45:40 PM): This show wouldn’t mislead us!!! How dare you. Wow. Jenius has a problem with manic hair fluffing. She’s gonna go bald if she keeps that up. That would be awesome.

America’s Player Question! Who should Eric suspiciously fake sleepwalk into bed with?

S (7:44:42 PM): Dude….whose bed should he crawl into? Are they trying to make him lose?

F (7:46:11 PM): Eric gets to crawl into bed with someone? Yes!

S (7:45:03 PM): Dear everone reading this: Please vote for Joe.

F (7:46:14 PM): America! Vote for Joe!

F (7:46:19 PM): Jinx! You owe me a Coke, Schoon.

S (7:45:10 PM): That would be the funniest outcome, by far.

F (7:46:23 PM): Joe’s no fun, though, cuz he’s totally a bottom. Nick or Mike would make him scream for his mama.

S (7:45:58 PM): I…so don’t want to talk about this.

F (7:46:07 PM): Then he’d really have something to cry to Kail about.

S (7:46: 22 PM): Are you in Vegas and not getting laid? Is that what this is about?

F (7:46:32 PM): I never get laid. It has nothing to do with Vegas. I am even unattractive to internet porn. It just turns itself off.

A commercial for ‘Kid Nation’ airs.

S (7:47:31 PM): Dude, are there children pulling plows? That is hilarious.

F (7:48:57 PM): Good. That’s what they should be doing. Stinkin’ kids. Put ‘em to work! I have become my Aunt Josie.

Back from commercials, Jen ponders her nominations.

S (7:48:01 PM): Way to make her stare at her own picture. Joe’s nervous about nominations because Jen wants to get rid of the hot girl? And Joe’s like, the hottest girl in the house.

F (7:50:15 PM): She can’t compete with those areolas.

S (7:49:43 PM): Oh, Jen just wants to point out who has an attitude problem!

F (7:50:56 PM): I love that she’s taking a stand against negativity.

S (7:49:48 PM): She’s like Santa Claus.

F (7:51:16 PM): What Would Jenius Do?

F (7:51:18 PM): WWJD

S (7:50:22 PM): THAT’S what Amber’s bracelet means!

F (7:51:56 PM): She’s been praying to Jen this whole time and doesn’t even know it. She’s gonna be hellapissed when she hears.

WWJD?

Jen makes her nomination speech.

S (7:50:36 PM): I love that she’s not trying to be nice like most HoHs do. It’s cool that she’s like, ‘I’d just…rather not have these people here.’ That’s so dumb that it’s awesome.

The nominations are revealed to be Dick and Daniele.

F (7:54:00 PM): WHAT A BITCH!!!!!

S (7:52:53 PM): That’s..sort of awesome. Make them compete. I like both of them, but this is still hilarious, and great drama.

F (7:54:37 PM): She wants them out because they make everyone feel awkward? That’s rich. What about the gonorrhea yelling? What about the gigantor nipples? ARGH

S (7:54:11 PM): I know… and what about ALL THE CRYING!

F (7:55:26 PM): YES!!! Man, Dirty Dick is totally screwed in this one.

S (7:54:34 PM): I don’t know…there is still veto!

F (7: 57:23 PM): Alright, we’re done here. Goodnight, Schoon.

S (7:57:55 PM): Lata, Flip.