Big Brother: Getting Got

Tonight, on Big Brother: Jeff finally gets some booger. Sort of.It’s my first Thursday show! Too bad Julie is dressed like a pool hussy in a billiards hall. Seriously, is that an 8 ball around her neck?

Corner Pocket

We’ll find out shortly who leaves, BUT FIRST (!), there has been a little scrambling in the house as of late. We color in right at the end of the Veto ceremony, and Kevin is celebrating the completion of his plan and the imminent eviction of Jeff. I’d just like to get something out of the way right now: Is it bad that I kind of want Kevin to win? I mean, the guy pulled off a serious comeback from behind in a pretty impressive fashion, and he managed to turn Jeff against his own allies pretty handily. If he won the money, would it really be that bad? Plus, he kind of hates Lydia and Chima and Jessie and Natalie.

Plus he could catch up on all the current trends. Slap bracelets, here he comes!

Jeff tells us that this scenario is something that he’s always feared, and since Kevin isn’t listening to reason (he’s not?), Jeff’s going to have to work hard to stay in the house.
Jordan tells us that this is totally just like the sadness you feel after you break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. That is true; most of my exes have the opportunity to save themselves by competing in wacky competitions with astoundingly low budgets. I put them on in my apartment. My neighbors do not approve.

Natalie, meanwhile, takes all the credit and is all cocky in the stupid bed she’s always laying in, which I wish would spontaneously burst into flames. She says dumb stuff like “gone in sixty seconds” and gloats a bunch, like she had anything to do at all with the events of the past ten days. Natalie tells us that sending Jeff out of the house will be “present to Jessie”. I have a feeling that he would prefer if you sent him a jar of Vaseline and a mirror, but whatever.

Outside, Jordan cries because she feels responsible for what’s happened. I really want to feel sorry for her and Jeff because I like them so much, but the fact of the matter is that if they had kept Russell in the house, they probably wouldn’t be dealing with this right now. Jeff tries to cheer her up by delivering one of the cheesiest pep talks ever. “This is destiny. We were all put in this game for a reason, and I’m not here to win it,” he says. Does he really think that this whole thing is preordained? Who is he, Jameka? And I know I’ve said it before, but the concept that the victories of Mike Boogie and Evel Dick were somehow written in the stars is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. It was DESTINY that Maggie and Ivette were the Final Two! God has a plan for Big Brother, you guys, which is why the good people always win. It’s totally in the Bible.

“If I could tell time, I would know that this is the saddest minute of my life.”

Jordan tells Jeff that he’s the only person in the house that deserves the money. I know that most people would like him to win, but this seems like pandering on the part of the show. There’s a definite argument that Kevin (and possibly also Michele and Jordan) deserve to win the money too. As for Natalie, I’m still holding out hope that she will be the first person on Big Brother removed due to injury. Preferably something involving a bear attack.

Jeff tells us that Jordan wants to leave the house instead of him, and that he needs two votes to stay since Kevin will get to break any tie and send him home. Jeff approaches Natalie and she straight up tells him that there’s no way she’s going to vote to keep him. He tells her that if he stays than he’ll compete with her and she’ll have better odds at the next HOH competition. Of course, Natalie isn’t really having it because she thinks she can win everything all of the time, despite the fact that she has won nothing whatsoever to date.

Kevin watches her from upstairs on the spy screen, telling us that he’s sure Natalie isn’t as trustworthy as he thinks she is, thanks to the whole Pandora’s Box scenario. “The greedy biznatch!” he says while snapping and being stereotypically fabulous. Again, I don’t know what happened to me, but I kind of think Kevin is awesome after this week. I don’t know when or how, but he has won me over with his trademark mix of passé slang terms and secret ninja game moves. Maybe it’s because no one else in the game has made anything resembling an intelligent strategic decision in weeks. I’m not head over heels rooting for him or anything, but if he were to Macarena his way to the end, I would not object.

Hey, they can’t all be Dan, right?

That night, Jeff and Jordan spoon in bed and lament their situation. They flirt about whether Jordan and Jeff are going to passionately kiss goodbye on the live show, and Jeff kind of smoothly requests a little practice. This prompts Jordan to finally give him a little bit of action, and when he tries to go for second base under the covers Jordan is hilariously like “You can’t do that!” and then again like “Or that either!”

“Or that! And definitely not that! Or…wait, you can do that one.”

Jeff and Michele talk in the backyard, saying that they need to sweeten the pot for Natalie a little to keep Jeff in the house. Michele comes up with the idea to tell Natalie that they’ll throw the HOH competition to her, and then whoever is not nominated at the end of next week can cast the vote to get rid of Kevin and they’ll be fine. It’s actually a pretty sweet offer, and Jeff takes it to Natalie at his first opportunity. She worries that Michele won’t throw the competition, and Jeff tells Natalie that he’ll be able to convince Michele, which is the wrong move. They should tell Natalie they’re both on board already, but then I guess Natalie wouldn’t be able to go into the Diary Room and act like she’s some sort of ninja over and over again.

After the break, it’s time to meet Michele’s husband! I am not sure that sentence merited an exclamation point. I really doubt that people are clamoring to hear more about Michele’s romantic life. Anyway, I am not in the habit of mocking people who are not contestants on this show, so I am going to present, without comment, Tim:

He tells us that it was love at first sight with Michele. He says she’s always been kind of a nerd, and on their first date she brought her roommates with her and a book to read on the train ride so that she could study. I’m less concerned with the book than with the roommates; did he have to buy all three of them dinner? Because that is bullshit.

We see photos of Michele in high school while he reminds us that she didn’t exactly fit in, and she looks pretty cute in many of them. And OF COURSE she was in Color Guard. Come on, you expected differently? Michele has ‘Baton Twirler’ written all over her, you guys.

He says she is very clumsy at home as well, and then we get a great montage of all the spectacular spills she’s taken over the course of the season, including that great one into the mud when she was dressed like a pig. He also tries to cover for all the times she’s said she doesn’t remember something, saying that it’s just her “genetic makeup”. We get another montage of all the times she’s said she doesn’t remember something, which is also pretty great. It’s kind of like her very own “but first”. I also like that I still have no idea what Michele’s personality is, and that falling and forgetting about things is the only substitute this show can come up with at this point.

Time to talk to Houseguests! CHEN-terrogation, bitches! Kevin, what was it like to be locked in Pandora’s Box? Kevin responds as follows: “Normally Julie, I wouldn’t mind being handcuffed over a box, but this time it was terrible!” That was actually pretty clever, frankly. Julie is like “Calm down, this is a family show!” but you totally know she’s thinking dirty robo-thoughts right now. Five seconds later we get random fish, in a vain attempt by the producers to edit the comment out, but it is too late. Also, is Big Brother really supposed to be a family show? If so, I am concerned for today’s youth. Send any donations for the after school program I’m starting to keep kids of the mean streets of the CBS production lot to Flipit’s email address, please.

“Sorry, Julie. It’s been a long summer. Holla!”

Natalie, would you say greed got the best of you when you totally screwed Kevin over to go back for more money? Natalie (who I will begrudgingly say looks pretty this evening) says that she only went outside to collect more money because she didn’t want the other Houseguests to get suspicious that she had a clue. Wow, that is completely ridiculous. “I didn’t want to find the key to unlock my friend because I didn’t want people suspicious that I could unlock my friend!”

Because this hour needs even more padding than showcasing Michele’s riveting family has already provided, the houseguests are shown a variety of montages, including one of all their falls from the HOH competition and the stupid thing with Natalie and the Dragonfly of Doom, which will be the title of the next Indiana Jones movie. “I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY SHOWED THAT, JULIE!” Natalie says in the most monotone and practiced voice ever. Way to sell your surprise. Now go eat something with your mouth open.

But wait! Apparently, it can get worse! It is time to visit the jury house, where stupid lame Lydia makes a drink for stupid lame Jessie, and then makes a joke about “drinking the Lydia Kool-Aid”, and I just could not give less of a fuck about what is going on in that house, with these two people. My kingdom for a falling boulder.

Lydia starts poking him and shit to flirt, and it is gross. I wish an eagle would just swoop down and carry one of them away in its talons. Her hair is black now, and her stupid jeans have nine million holes in them, and she just wants so badly for the world to notice her and validate her existence as a person. It is pathetic. She tells us that she has a little crush on Jessie, and she says it in this voice like she expects us to find it cute, but I mostly just want the jury house to collapse in on itself and disappear from this dimension like at the end of Poltergeist.

Lydia says that she’s hoping Jeff comes through the door so she can tell him that “karma is a bitch”, and I just don’t even have the energy to touch that. Then stupid Russell comes in all shouty and boring, and all of a sudden he’s totally good friends with Lydia and Jessie again and they hug and because there is focus on someone who is not Jessie, he rips his shirt off like a stupid asshole, because God forbid anything be about someone else for ten seconds. I wonder what his budget is for t-shirts in a given year? I bet it is staggering, the amount of money he spends. There must be an Excel Spreadsheet involved to keep track of it.

Jessie reveals to Russell that Natalie is not actually eighteen, and he freaks the hell out and is super shocked. Lydia says that she doesn’t really trust the tight bond she formed with Natalie, since their foundation is now based upon lies. Those ten days when she didn’t hate Natalie after calling her a bitch for six weeks were so important to her, you guys!

OH MY GOD WHY WON’T YOU GO AWAY

Also, is it really that impressive that Natalie has managed to fool these people into thinking she’s eighteen? It’s not like she’s acting immature, petty and naïve on purpose, she’s just being herself, which makes everyone think that she is a dumb teenager. Is it really that impressive?

Russell brings out the DVD of the past week for them to watch, and as it’s going on Lydia points out that Jeff totally stabbed Russell in the back, and I hate that Lydia is not wrong about that. After it’s over, Lydia asks Russ and Jessie whether they would consider voting for Jeff if he makes the final two, and is totally surprised when they both say yes, because why vote based on merit when you can be a giant baby and try to get some sort of petty revenge by giving the win to someone else? Of course, Jessie is only doing it because it’s really about Jessie: “Anybody that gets me out, that’s like the strongest move you can make,” he says.

Oh my god, I cannot get away from these people fast enough. That brief five minute segment was a new, fresh hell for me, and I recapped Dick and Daniele for an entire season.

Time for Kevin’s HOH interview. How much do you trust Natalie, Kevin? He points out that the “lie” is actually in her name, which means he can’t trust her. Well, so is the word “anal” if you rearrange a couple of letters.

She asks if he’s concerned about taking responsibility for the dirty work this week, and he’s like “that doesn’t really matter at this point,” which it does not. Wow, riveting stuff this week. So much insight! I feel like I’m reading the New Yorker.

And now, it’s time to vote. Jordan stands up and pleads her case, which involves spouting a bunch of those empty Southern compliments that polite women from the south are so prone to making, even though none of them really mean anything other than “I hate you all, but am too nice to actually say it.”

When it’s Jeff’s turn, he stands up and faces Natalie. He tells her that she gave her word to him that he’d be safe, and she promised to keep him, so now is the time to back up all her smack talk about honesty and integrity by keeping him in the house. He’s very direct with her, he’s not insulting, and he makes a fairly convincing plea. It’s pretty impressive, actually, and the kind of thing you want to see more from people who are about to be kicked off of shows.

But whatever, it’s Natalie, so she goes into the Diary Room and immediately votes to evict Jeff. He made the choice to evict my “best ally, Jessie”, so she votes to evict him. Michele votes for Jordan, so Kevin has to break the tie. He explains that he has to make a decision to benefit his own game, and he evicts Jeff on the spot. “Nice desperate try, though,” Kevin says to Jeff. Jeff kisses Jordan, and while he’s doing that Natalie starts yammering about how she’s didn’t break her word, and Jeff rightly tells her to cram it. I mean, seriously: she’s been going around gloating about lying to Jeff all week. Are we really supposed to think she’s kept her word? If she owned her actions, it wouldn’t be so bad, but the fact that she’s playing the moral paragon is fucked up.

When Jeff exits, he gets an INSANELY loud cheer. While he gets mic’d up, we hear more talk from Natalie inside about how honest she is, and the fact that she’s talking about it so much is how you know she’s aware of what a hypocrite she is. My notes seriously say “No one cares, die in a fire,” but I thought that might be too harsh to print. Oops!

Back in the studio, Julie asks Jeff about his deal with Russell. Does he still think getting rid of Russ was his best move? Jeff says yes because he thinks Russ would have gone after him anyway, and he blames the fact that he lost the Power of Veto competition on his eviction. Of course, when he goes back to watch the footage he’ll see what a terrible mistake he made. Julie says that the internet wants to know why he would spend the entire summer on opposite sides of the house and then align himself with Natalie and Kevin. He says that he just couldn’t trust Russell, because there was too much coming from the house (namely, Natalie and Kevin, duh). Jeff got played pretty badly these last two weeks, you have to admit. Nice job Kevin for pulling this whole thing off, you have to admit.

But Jeff is very likable, and he has an enormous amount of goodwill built up by evicting Jessie, so the audience eats up all his responses. Even Julie is pretty clearly all ERROR 404 up in his face. She tells him that he’ll be back in a couple of weeks for the live, two-hour finale (!), and that we’ll see him all then, when we undoubtedly award him the jury consolation prize.

Time for the HOH Competition. Julie will be saying stuff about what’s gone on outside the house, and it’s essentially a true or false competition to see how well you know the evicted houseguests. True or false: Casey began selling banana themed merchandise online after his eviction. Turns out that it’s true, and I totally bet that stuff’s flying off of the shelves. Shoutout to dressing like Alvin and the Chipmunks!

Michele should kind of be insulted.

Another good question: Julie says that Lydia and Jessie are no longer speaking in the jury house. Everyone is immediately like “FICTION!” because they know that Lydia is way, way too needy for that. Also interesting: Ronnie apparently received more votes than Chima in the Coup D’état voting. At the end of the seven questions, it’s a three way tie, so Michele, Jordan and Natalie have to guess how many cans were in all the tubes by the time someone won the can dropping competition last week. Natalie ends up the closest, so she wins HOH, puke. She starts shouting all over the yard some more about how honest and true she is, and then shouts out Chima, all “I’m going to get vengeance for you!” as if anyone but Chima is responsible for the fact that she’s a complete crazypants. I guess that means she’s going after Michele.

Jesus, I hate Natalie. Is it time for Survivor yet?