Some people believe that this season of Big Brother is not as stellar as seasons past. On the surface, I would have to agree. Up until this point, there really hasn’t been all that much in terms of conflict. But come on, having to follow the first few weeks of Scott and Jase is a big challenge, and things will get moving. Eric nominated Janelle and Michael because he saw them as a threat, and they were. Those two are the only ones who aren’t falling all over themselves to kiss Eric’s ass. As any good fascist knows, you can’t let the people go against you and start coming up with their own ideas. You know, like eating the ice cream within eight hours or complaining about people doing badly in food challenges. But don’t worry, as Eric proved this week, he will do anything to keep his little one-week monarchy going strong.One of the great things about Big Brother is that the people on the inside are so very, very, isolated. In only a few weeks, the people living in the Big Brother house start to develop their very own sense of reality. It’s really an alternate reality, sort of like a twilight zone, where people think they are much more good looking, smart, and talented than what they would be in the real world. Upon leaving the house, they are shocked to see what their actions on the inside meant to the millions watching the show. Usually, it’s a lot different from how they perceive themselves. Case in point? Eric. He must think that he is a standup guy and plays the game smart. In reality, he comes across as a paranoid, trollish control-freak and most of America is going to cheer when he gets the boot. Please leave lots of disparaging comments so he can read just how much America thanks him for subjecting them to his rule during this past week of Big Brother.
But back to the nominations. Eric is saying that Michael couldn’t be trusted because of the company he was keeping. You remember all of those people Michael liked to hang out with during the first part of the show like Kaysar and James. Michael had to be nominated just in case he was planning on making an alliance with the two of those guys and somebody else. Oh wait, they did make an alliance? Now we see why Eric was paranoid! Wait, you’re saying that Michael, Kaysar and James made the alliance with Eric? Well, at least his reason for nominating Janelle was good. He “just knew” that he would be nominated. The reason? Mostly because the voices in his head told him, but also because she didn’t kiss his ass.
And speaking of kissing ass, why is everybody so interested in making sure they kiss Eric’s? Not five minutes after the nomination ceremony and people are in there telling him how great he is. First up is Maggie, which is not surprising, but all of the normal crew decide to make an appearance as well. Michael commented that Eric had no real leadership and his skills at being a leader depended on the weaknesses of others, and he seems to be capitalizing. Now, I hate Eric, but he is a fire captain, and they aren’t just going to give that position to an idiot right? Then again, leading people into a burning building is not the same as scheming a lasting strategy on a reality show, and Eric definitely depends on weak minds to keep his power in the house.
Although Janelle was nominated, she is pretty happy. Everybody truly seems to be plugging for Michael. Still, she’s sorry that he was nominated basically for hanging out with her. Beau overhears it and says that she doesn’t know half the story. Michael uses this time to try and cause a little bit of dissension within the ranks, by telling Beau that he had a deal with Eric and Kaysar from day one. He then gets all J.R.R. Tolkein on us us and says “Your little friend has a poisoned tongue which I intend to cut out”. Oooh! With that kind of knowledge, Beau might be taking a little bit of a different look at Eric, right? Sadly, no. Beau goes right to Eric, who explains that Michael would do anything to save himself.
While I like that Michael is going to try and go down in flames, his scheming leaves a lot to be desired. He knows how to push people’s buttons, that’s for sure. At one point he just stood in the kitchen and stared Eric down. You know that Eric won’t be able to stand this because he is a paranoid to the point of needing haldol or perphenazine. On top of that, he can’t let Michael “win” because doing so would lead people to believe that he is not the great leader that he has made himself out to be. What Michael really needs is somebody to talk strategy and keep himself focused. You think that person would be Kaysar, but Kaysar is now seemingly convinced that he is going to follow everybody else and hope to get by without being noticed. He also has his own trendy ironic t-shirt that says “Department of Redundancy Department” which is kind of funny, but still makes me want to slap him, sort of like the time I saw Indian Jones wearing that “Strictly for My Ninjas” shirt.
Now that we have spent enough time with the basics, it is time to continue with SUMMER OF SECRETS. This time, the focus was on the exercise room. It wasn’t hidden like the gold room, but it was being protected by the lock. The house guests had no clue about it until Ivette saw a clue on the refrigerator. By the way, when you look at Ivette, can’t you just tell that she is going to be the first in line for one of those montages around week 6 or 7 that picks on a houseguest because they have gained a lot of weight? Without the benefit of malnourishment, how in the hell is she going to keep the weight off? Not only was it ironic that she found the clue, but she happened to be an idiot as well. She found the clue when she came into the house, most likely right after everybody was outside and the shades were drawn while employees reconfigure the inside. Still, upon seeing it in the kitchen, she proceeded to ask if any of the others had put it there. Yes Ivette, they somehow managed to turn on that iMac in the HoH room, found some glossy paper, and started photoshop magic. How in the hell does she think a huge swimming pool with two huge surfboards got into the backyard the first episode? It wasn’t her teammates!
The clue simply said that it “was time to get in shape”. Immediately a few people run to see if there is anything different, and Michael notices right away that there is a clock where there used to be empty wall. I am not sure how many paint chips these people ate when they were younger, but nobody managed to put this knew time-telling device together with their clue that mentioned “time”. Then Sarah, displaying a skill of problem solving not seen since the time a dog first learned it could lick it’s own balls, figured that the time on the clock just might have something to do with the lock. The clock said 5:34, and sure enough, that was the combination. Mystery solved! Sarah was so happy, partly because she finally got some screen time, and party because she hadn’t had to sue that much of her brain since picking her lotto numbers.
The exercise room was just what they needed. You know, now maybe Eric would lighten up a little bit since he had a chance to work off all of that built up rage he has pumping inside. I had speculated that Eric had used steroids, but I was just sort of making a joke about his napoleon complex/rage issues. Then we learn that Eric used to be a bodybuilder. Now I am guessing that he did this bodybuilding before he was married and had kids and was on the fire department. Bodybuilding makes your body huge, but you have to eat and work out so much, it doesn’t leave you with much else. Therefore, let’s say he was doing his thing like 15 or 20 years ago. Steroids were RAMPANT in the business, just ask Arnold, who freely admits to using. SUMMER OF SECRETS.
New exercise equipment is not enough to get people to stop scheming, and it surely hasn’t stopped Michael from trying to help his own cause in the game. But again, he is good at stirring things up and is not really a good tactical player. More and more, he is getting disturbed that he is being singled out not for how he played the game, but for the way people thought about his character, and it seems that the person trying to poison his character is Eric. April told Eric that Michael was making sexual advances on her, and that it could be considered sexual harassment if it was a workplace situation.
I was one of the people who thought Michael was sketchy, but his actions weren’t cause to be banished, were they? Michael in general can’t read body language. He probably had no idea that the girls were upset, so why act like it was the crime of the century? We see Howie running around wearing girls’ underwear, talking about lesbionic couples, and telling dirty jokes, and nobody is stopping him. I understand why Michael may have thought this environment would be safe for his antics. I don’t condone them and he should stop if anybody voices their disapproval, but the only people who were bothered by Michael only spoke to Eric, who then took the time to speak to Michael, who was generally surprised at the revelation and said he would stop. End of story? No. Eric is more than just Head of Household, he is saint, and can’t let such things happen on his watch.
Michael is slightly agitated about what is going on, and once more he has no clue how to formulate a plan to get back at people, so he just does his own little crazy impression. While Jennifer and Maggie are doing their power walk around the back yard, Michael comes in and asks them if they knew he was a molester. They ignored him, but he asked again, maybe a little more loudly. He was annoying, but eventually Janelle and Kaysar got him to shut up. Maggie wants to know what the hell was going on, so she reports to Eric, saying that Michael was out of line. He wasn’t acting threatening, but it was his body language that told the true story. Uh, you mean when he was lounging in the couch shouting just now? That hardly qualifies as scary body language. Other postures that intimidate Maggie include touching your toes and handstands.
That is some intimidating posture!
With no power in the house, Michael is relegated to making fun of the dear leader behind his back. He and Janelle are constantly amusing themselves, trying out their new impersonations of Eric and making fun of his bossy ways behind his back. During one of their more jovial times, Michael joked that he was going to ask Eric a question about his family. No, we’re not talking how are the kids and such, but something more along the lines of “How did your grandparents die?”. In a normal situation, that is not such an out of the blue question, but Michael realized that it was wrong and quickly took it back. Unfortunately for him, Eric’s surrogates were listening in, with Rachel actually pressing her ear against the door. Having heard the slander, she immediately tells Eric, who gets even more pissed. YOU WILL NOT TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY EXCEPT MAYBE TO PRAISE HOW ADORABLE MY KIDS ARE AND CRY WHEN I TELL YOU HOW MUCH I MISS THEM AND THEY MEAN THE WORLD TO ME.
Seriously though, Rachel just said that they were saying bad things, but Eric didn’t even ask what any of those bad things were. Most likely Rachel heard grandparents, and then some laughing and assumed the worst. While I was loving it, practically knocking the diet Dr. Pepper all over the TVgasm offices, it just served to flame Eric’s fire even more. But then came the escalation.
Ivette walked into the bedroom just as Michael was leaving, so he gave her a friendly burp and said “That was just for you.” Ivette replied “I hope your mother enjoyed that”, trying to make him feel bad for doing it on nationall TV. Michael thought it was just a joke and replied “I hope your mother enjoyed that too!” Well that was the last straw! How dare Michael mention Ivette’s family like that. Ivette immediately went to tell everybody the horror. For all of the complaining people have done about Michael talking behind their backs, they surely don’t mind when Ivette talks behind people’s back, especially when she was doing her impression of Michael’s walk. I thought she was funny, but also thought her mannerisms made her look more like Neanderthal Eric than Predator Michael. But the gist of the whole thing was that she was Latina and if Michael didn’t watch out, she would get Cuban on his ass! So I guess Michael can look forward to free healthcare, some tasty cigars, and lots of good baseball. Sweet!
Kaysar desperately tried to diffuse things, still hoping to save Michael without getting too many people pissed. He was his calm and rational self, and he really wanted to get to the bottom of what Michael said about Eric. Specifically, he wondered what exactly Michael said about Eric’s family. This, of course, was a problem, because nobody knew what Michael said, even Eric. Nevertheless, Eric said it didn’t matter and continued to say that nobody is going to say anything about his family. Actually, it does matter, because if Eric doesn’t know what Michael actually said, he is basing his anger on nothing but hearsay and it makes him look like an even bigger midget idiot than we previously thought. At one point, Kaysar said “don’t come at me” to which I expected Eric to reply “DON’T RAISE YOUR VOICE! YOU SHOULDN’T YELL JUST TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS. WELL EXCEPT MAYBE ME SINCE I AM HOH.”
Everybody was fine talking about Michael, and then he comes out into the backyard. Eric has been talking about what he is going to do if somebody talks about his family, and you know that if Michael even glances in his direction, Eric will take that as a declaration of war. Michael does manage to glance over, and Eric starts talking to him to stop talking about his family. Although it probably would have done Michael well to defend himself with some logic, he went on to dot he next best thing, which is to tell Eric he is all talk and then mock him for being a midget and having a small penis. Things just start to get CRAZY from there.
Eric starts to head towards Michael, but several people get in his way. Meanwhile, Michael continues to tell him that he is a midget and has a small penis. I think he really enjoys watching Eric fly off the handle. The same cannot be said for the Big Brother producers, who call a timeout and force Eric and Michael into separate rooms. While this was going on, a few people started getting into conversations, including Kaysar and Ivette. Kaysar once again tried to get some answers from people, including Ivette who was rambling on and on about why Michael is a jerk. I have made fun of Kaysar, but he scored some points when he asked her to streamline the story so he could get on with it. Ivette, once again a master of rhetoric, said that Kaysar doesn’t know because he doesn’t respect women.
Huh? How is not following Ivette’s poorly formed argument tantamount to not respecting women? Normally, Kaysar wouldn’t get into anybody’s face, but he did this time with Ivette. I suppose that he took the phrase “you don’t respect women” as a slur against his religion, and I actually thought that he was going to punch her in the face, but he restrained himself although when he did so it was already a little too late. Soon afterwards the disembodied voice of Big Brother instructed everybody to separate areas of the house.
When things came back, everybody had to get together and talk about things. Eric seemed very contrite, saying that despite what he would say, he would never physically harm people. He even took his time to shake hands with Michael afterwards. I am sure people saw Eric crying (YET AGAIN) and believed him, but Michael was having none of that. He knew it was fake, and his words of advice were to not rely on second, third, or fourth accounts of conversations people overheard. Imagine that, Michael thinks that words actually have some sort of context and that context might be important before deciding to lynch somebody without knowing the circumstances of the offender’s words.
After that, there was not much left except the Veto competition. Janelle picked Rachel, Eric picked James (as a misdirection) and Michael picked Howie after Kaysar said he wouldn’t use the veto because it might make him a target. Oh, you think? How about helping your ally every now and then? The Veto competition was called “High and Dry” Teams traveled across a zip line, trying to fill a box with water using plastic jugs. It took a while for people to get the point of this game, or at least formulate a strategy. Some filled the jugs and poured them into the box by using the bottom(wide) part of the jug. Others were smart enough to see that you could use the neck and spout of the jug to pour it in more quickly and smoothly. Nobody among them realized that they could use more than one jug at a time by sticking it into the box and using the zip line to get more water using another one of the jugs they were given, while the other was emptying into the box. I think it could have been a winning strategy, but whatever. Instead, James took home the veto by only 13 seconds over Michael.
CBS didn’t really try to create suspense for the Veto Ceremony. James asked for an explanation, got a few words in return, and then decided not to use the veto. Big surprise.
It looks like Michael is a goner. He had a chance to get some votes in his favor, but turned out to be a younger, taller version of Eric’s psychopathic tendencies. The most interesting thing about the eviction night looks to be just how strange that exit interview with Julie Chen is going to be.
What do you think about how the people on the elimination block reacted? Is Michael or Eric more crazy? Will Julie Chen outdo Kelly’s camel toe?