Big Brother is All the Rage

Big Brother

By admin | Wednesday, July 20, 2005 | 2:27 am | 56 Comments

michael_janelle_plotSome people believe that this season of Big Brother is not as stellar as seasons past. On the surface, I would have to agree. Up until this point, there really hasn’t been all that much in terms of conflict. But come on, having to follow the first few weeks of Scott and Jase is a big challenge, and things will get moving. Eric nominated Janelle and Michael because he saw them as a threat, and they were. Those two are the only ones who aren’t falling all over themselves to kiss Eric’s ass. As any good fascist knows, you can’t let the people go against you and start coming up with their own ideas. You know, like eating the ice cream within eight hours or complaining about people doing badly in food challenges. But don’t worry, as Eric proved this week, he will do anything to keep his little one-week monarchy going strong.One of the great things about Big Brother is that the people on the inside are so very, very, isolated. In only a few weeks, the people living in the Big Brother house start to develop their very own sense of reality. It’s really an alternate reality, sort of like a twilight zone, where people think they are much more good looking, smart, and talented than what they would be in the real world. Upon leaving the house, they are shocked to see what their actions on the inside meant to the millions watching the show. Usually, it’s a lot different from how they perceive themselves. Case in point? Eric. He must think that he is a standup guy and plays the game smart. In reality, he comes across as a paranoid, trollish control-freak and most of America is going to cheer when he gets the boot. Please leave lots of disparaging comments so he can read just how much America thanks him for subjecting them to his rule during this past week of Big Brother.

But back to the nominations. Eric is saying that Michael couldn’t be trusted because of the company he was keeping. You remember all of those people Michael liked to hang out with during the first part of the show like Kaysar and James. Michael had to be nominated just in case he was planning on making an alliance with the two of those guys and somebody else. Oh wait, they did make an alliance? Now we see why Eric was paranoid! Wait, you’re saying that Michael, Kaysar and James made the alliance with Eric? Well, at least his reason for nominating Janelle was good. He “just knew” that he would be nominated. The reason? Mostly because the voices in his head told him, but also because she didn’t kiss his ass.

And speaking of kissing ass, why is everybody so interested in making sure they kiss Eric’s? Not five minutes after the nomination ceremony and people are in there telling him how great he is. First up is Maggie, which is not surprising, but all of the normal crew decide to make an appearance as well. Michael commented that Eric had no real leadership and his skills at being a leader depended on the weaknesses of others, and he seems to be capitalizing. Now, I hate Eric, but he is a fire captain, and they aren’t just going to give that position to an idiot right? Then again, leading people into a burning building is not the same as scheming a lasting strategy on a reality show, and Eric definitely depends on weak minds to keep his power in the house.

Although Janelle was nominated, she is pretty happy. Everybody truly seems to be plugging for Michael. Still, she’s sorry that he was nominated basically for hanging out with her. Beau overhears it and says that she doesn’t know half the story. Michael uses this time to try and cause a little bit of dissension within the ranks, by telling Beau that he had a deal with Eric and Kaysar from day one. He then gets all J.R.R. Tolkein on us us and says “Your little friend has a poisoned tongue which I intend to cut out”. Oooh! With that kind of knowledge, Beau might be taking a little bit of a different look at Eric, right? Sadly, no. Beau goes right to Eric, who explains that Michael would do anything to save himself.

kaysar_redundancyWhile I like that Michael is going to try and go down in flames, his scheming leaves a lot to be desired. He knows how to push people’s buttons, that’s for sure. At one point he just stood in the kitchen and stared Eric down. You know that Eric won’t be able to stand this because he is a paranoid to the point of needing haldol or perphenazine. On top of that, he can’t let Michael “win” because doing so would lead people to believe that he is not the great leader that he has made himself out to be. What Michael really needs is somebody to talk strategy and keep himself focused. You think that person would be Kaysar, but Kaysar is now seemingly convinced that he is going to follow everybody else and hope to get by without being noticed. He also has his own trendy ironic t-shirt that says “Department of Redundancy Department” which is kind of funny, but still makes me want to slap him, sort of like the time I saw Indian Jones wearing that “Strictly for My Ninjas” shirt.

Now that we have spent enough time with the basics, it is time to continue with SUMMER OF SECRETS. This time, the focus was on the exercise room. It wasn’t hidden like the gold room, but it was being protected by the lock. The house guests had no clue about it until Ivette saw a clue on the refrigerator. By the way, when you look at Ivette, can’t you just tell that she is going to be the first in line for one of those montages around week 6 or 7 that picks on a houseguest because they have gained a lot of weight? Without the benefit of malnourishment, how in the hell is she going to keep the weight off? Not only was it ironic that she found the clue, but she happened to be an idiot as well. She found the clue when she came into the house, most likely right after everybody was outside and the shades were drawn while employees reconfigure the inside. Still, upon seeing it in the kitchen, she proceeded to ask if any of the others had put it there. Yes Ivette, they somehow managed to turn on that iMac in the HoH room, found some glossy paper, and started photoshop magic. How in the hell does she think a huge swimming pool with two huge surfboards got into the backyard the first episode? It wasn’t her teammates!

The clue simply said that it “was time to get in shape”. Immediately a few people run to see if there is anything different, and Michael notices right away that there is a clock where there used to be empty wall. I am not sure how many paint chips these people ate when they were younger, but nobody managed to put this knew time-telling device together with their clue that mentioned “time”. Then Sarah, displaying a skill of problem solving not seen since the time a dog first learned it could lick it’s own balls, figured that the time on the clock just might have something to do with the lock. The clock said 5:34, and sure enough, that was the combination. Mystery solved! Sarah was so happy, partly because she finally got some screen time, and party because she hadn’t had to sue that much of her brain since picking her lotto numbers.

The exercise room was just what they needed. You know, now maybe Eric would lighten up a little bit since he had a chance to work off all of that built up rage he has pumping inside. I had speculated that Eric had used steroids, but I was just sort of making a joke about his napoleon complex/rage issues. Then we learn that Eric used to be a bodybuilder. Now I am guessing that he did this bodybuilding before he was married and had kids and was on the fire department. Bodybuilding makes your body huge, but you have to eat and work out so much, it doesn’t leave you with much else. Therefore, let’s say he was doing his thing like 15 or 20 years ago. Steroids were RAMPANT in the business, just ask Arnold, who freely admits to using. SUMMER OF SECRETS.

New exercise equipment is not enough to get people to stop scheming, and it surely hasn’t stopped Michael from trying to help his own cause in the game. But again, he is good at stirring things up and is not really a good tactical player. More and more, he is getting disturbed that he is being singled out not for how he played the game, but for the way people thought about his character, and it seems that the person trying to poison his character is Eric. April told Eric that Michael was making sexual advances on her, and that it could be considered sexual harassment if it was a workplace situation.

I was one of the people who thought Michael was sketchy, but his actions weren’t cause to be banished, were they? Michael in general can’t read body language. He probably had no idea that the girls were upset, so why act like it was the crime of the century? We see Howie running around wearing girls’ underwear, talking about lesbionic couples, and telling dirty jokes, and nobody is stopping him. I understand why Michael may have thought this environment would be safe for his antics. I don’t condone them and he should stop if anybody voices their disapproval, but the only people who were bothered by Michael only spoke to Eric, who then took the time to speak to Michael, who was generally surprised at the revelation and said he would stop. End of story? No. Eric is more than just Head of Household, he is saint, and can’t let such things happen on his watch.

Michael is slightly agitated about what is going on, and once more he has no clue how to formulate a plan to get back at people, so he just does his own little crazy impression. While Jennifer and Maggie are doing their power walk around the back yard, Michael comes in and asks them if they knew he was a molester. They ignored him, but he asked again, maybe a little more loudly. He was annoying, but eventually Janelle and Kaysar got him to shut up. Maggie wants to know what the hell was going on, so she reports to Eric, saying that Michael was out of line. He wasn’t acting threatening, but it was his body language that told the true story. Uh, you mean when he was lounging in the couch shouting just now? That hardly qualifies as scary body language. Other postures that intimidate Maggie include touching your toes and handstands.

michael_janelle_kaysar_outd
That is some intimidating posture!

With no power in the house, Michael is relegated to making fun of the dear leader behind his back. He and Janelle are constantly amusing themselves, trying out their new impersonations of Eric and making fun of his bossy ways behind his back. During one of their more jovial times, Michael joked that he was going to ask Eric a question about his family. No, we’re not talking how are the kids and such, but something more along the lines of “How did your grandparents die?”. In a normal situation, that is not such an out of the blue question, but Michael realized that it was wrong and quickly took it back. Unfortunately for him, Eric’s surrogates were listening in, with Rachel actually pressing her ear against the door. Having heard the slander, she immediately tells Eric, who gets even more pissed. YOU WILL NOT TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY EXCEPT MAYBE TO PRAISE HOW ADORABLE MY KIDS ARE AND CRY WHEN I TELL YOU HOW MUCH I MISS THEM AND THEY MEAN THE WORLD TO ME.

Seriously though, Rachel just said that they were saying bad things, but Eric didn’t even ask what any of those bad things were. Most likely Rachel heard grandparents, and then some laughing and assumed the worst. While I was loving it, practically knocking the diet Dr. Pepper all over the TVgasm offices, it just served to flame Eric’s fire even more. But then came the escalation.

Ivette walked into the bedroom just as Michael was leaving, so he gave her a friendly burp and said “That was just for you.” Ivette replied “I hope your mother enjoyed that”, trying to make him feel bad for doing it on nationall TV. Michael thought it was just a joke and replied “I hope your mother enjoyed that too!” Well that was the last straw! How dare Michael mention Ivette’s family like that. Ivette immediately went to tell everybody the horror. For all of the complaining people have done about Michael talking behind their backs, they surely don’t mind when Ivette talks behind people’s back, especially when she was doing her impression of Michael’s walk. I thought she was funny, but also thought her mannerisms made her look more like Neanderthal Eric than Predator Michael. But the gist of the whole thing was that she was Latina and if Michael didn’t watch out, she would get Cuban on his ass! So I guess Michael can look forward to free healthcare, some tasty cigars, and lots of good baseball. Sweet!

ivette_mocks_michael

Kaysar desperately tried to diffuse things, still hoping to save Michael without getting too many people pissed. He was his calm and rational self, and he really wanted to get to the bottom of what Michael said about Eric. Specifically, he wondered what exactly Michael said about Eric’s family. This, of course, was a problem, because nobody knew what Michael said, even Eric. Nevertheless, Eric said it didn’t matter and continued to say that nobody is going to say anything about his family. Actually, it does matter, because if Eric doesn’t know what Michael actually said, he is basing his anger on nothing but hearsay and it makes him look like an even bigger midget idiot than we previously thought. At one point, Kaysar said “don’t come at me” to which I expected Eric to reply “DON’T RAISE YOUR VOICE! YOU SHOULDN’T YELL JUST TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS. WELL EXCEPT MAYBE ME SINCE I AM HOH.”

Everybody was fine talking about Michael, and then he comes out into the backyard. Eric has been talking about what he is going to do if somebody talks about his family, and you know that if Michael even glances in his direction, Eric will take that as a declaration of war. Michael does manage to glance over, and Eric starts talking to him to stop talking about his family. Although it probably would have done Michael well to defend himself with some logic, he went on to dot he next best thing, which is to tell Eric he is all talk and then mock him for being a midget and having a small penis. Things just start to get CRAZY from there.

eric_rage

Eric starts to head towards Michael, but several people get in his way. Meanwhile, Michael continues to tell him that he is a midget and has a small penis. I think he really enjoys watching Eric fly off the handle. The same cannot be said for the Big Brother producers, who call a timeout and force Eric and Michael into separate rooms. While this was going on, a few people started getting into conversations, including Kaysar and Ivette. Kaysar once again tried to get some answers from people, including Ivette who was rambling on and on about why Michael is a jerk. I have made fun of Kaysar, but he scored some points when he asked her to streamline the story so he could get on with it. Ivette, once again a master of rhetoric, said that Kaysar doesn’t know because he doesn’t respect women.

Huh? How is not following Ivette’s poorly formed argument tantamount to not respecting women? Normally, Kaysar wouldn’t get into anybody’s face, but he did this time with Ivette. I suppose that he took the phrase “you don’t respect women” as a slur against his religion, and I actually thought that he was going to punch her in the face, but he restrained himself although when he did so it was already a little too late. Soon afterwards the disembodied voice of Big Brother instructed everybody to separate areas of the house.

When things came back, everybody had to get together and talk about things. Eric seemed very contrite, saying that despite what he would say, he would never physically harm people. He even took his time to shake hands with Michael afterwards. I am sure people saw Eric crying (YET AGAIN) and believed him, but Michael was having none of that. He knew it was fake, and his words of advice were to not rely on second, third, or fourth accounts of conversations people overheard. Imagine that, Michael thinks that words actually have some sort of context and that context might be important before deciding to lynch somebody without knowing the circumstances of the offender’s words.

After that, there was not much left except the Veto competition. Janelle picked Rachel, Eric picked James (as a misdirection) and Michael picked Howie after Kaysar said he wouldn’t use the veto because it might make him a target. Oh, you think? How about helping your ally every now and then? The Veto competition was called “High and Dry” Teams traveled across a zip line, trying to fill a box with water using plastic jugs. It took a while for people to get the point of this game, or at least formulate a strategy. Some filled the jugs and poured them into the box by using the bottom(wide) part of the jug. Others were smart enough to see that you could use the neck and spout of the jug to pour it in more quickly and smoothly. Nobody among them realized that they could use more than one jug at a time by sticking it into the box and using the zip line to get more water using another one of the jugs they were given, while the other was emptying into the box. I think it could have been a winning strategy, but whatever. Instead, James took home the veto by only 13 seconds over Michael.

immunity_7-19-05aimmunity_7-19-05b

CBS didn’t really try to create suspense for the Veto Ceremony. James asked for an explanation, got a few words in return, and then decided not to use the veto. Big surprise.

It looks like Michael is a goner. He had a chance to get some votes in his favor, but turned out to be a younger, taller version of Eric’s psychopathic tendencies. The most interesting thing about the eviction night looks to be just how strange that exit interview with Julie Chen is going to be.

What do you think about how the people on the elimination block reacted? Is Michael or Eric more crazy? Will Julie Chen outdo Kelly’s camel toe?

About

56 Comments

  1. 1
    plumes
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 2:39 am

    Eric, can u say ‘roid eage??

  2. 2
    scottbr
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 5:16 am

    I’ve watched BB since season 2 (didn’t even know about the first season). I have not seen a more unlikable set of housepets. And it’s not even the entertaining kind of unlikable (see “Chill Town”, “Three Horsemen”, or Alison).

    This is just bad.

  3. 3
    scottbr
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 5:17 am

    Whoops. Meant to reference either “Three Amigos”, “Four Horsemen”, or both.

  4. 4
    megstar
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 5:20 am

    What an episode! I almost couldn’t fall asleep thinking about how silly most of the houseguests are following Eric around like he’s a god. Don’t they realize that there is only one ultimate winner, or two considering the pairs if they make it to the end. They are like sheep, its’ almost disgusting. I really enjoy Kaysar and Janelle, and Michael b/c of Kaysar and am upset because one of them will go home and there will only be two of them, however I want Kaysar or Janelle to win HOH and nominate Eric, or Ivetter or anyone else and tell them that payback’s a b*tch!.

  5. 5
    jay
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 5:33 am

    so i really only appreciate janelle and michael because they seem to be the only sane people in the house. kaysar wouldn’t have jumped to my shit list if he actually attempted to stick up for his partner. i understand not wanting to put yourself out there, but he wasn’t doing a very good job of being diplomatic and a partner in my opinion. i don’t know if he remembers, the longer he and michael are there together, the better their chance at the prize. as for eric and his minions, that shit is absolutely ridiculous. it really is pathetic that they are all sheep because eric is phony. great, you care about your family, how many other times have we heard that? i don’t know how the only people in the house that aren’t blind to eric’s complete spell over the houseguests are janelle and michael, occasionally kaysar. since michael will be going home, which saddens me because i think he’s cute, i hope janelle takes this entire thing. i love that she hates these morons, it makes me love her more. i can’t believe i didn’t like her the first week. i think that was due in part to ashlea. all in all, i don’t think this season is that fabulous. oh and can someone tell me why ivette constantly feels the need to be incredibly loud and annoying?? is it because she’s cuban because i could give a rats ass about that. man, i wish we could bring back some of the old castmates, the people that you really don’t wanna mess with. forget getting cuban on someones ass, they would get real on someones ass. people really need to start calling out eric and his crazy ways mr. i’d never hurt someone. umm “cappy”, actions speak louder than words.

  6. 6
    HicksPub
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 5:59 am

    Wow, J-Unit, I needed a decoder ring to read that recap. Just kidding. I appreciate you spanking out the recap so quickly, although I’m a little suspicious of how juiced your Diet Dr. Pepper was. I’m just sayin’…

    Did anyone notice Sarah in her bikini by the pool? Not that I’m a box of chocolates, but she had a major flab attack. The scene cut away from her for a few seconds, and when the camera got back on her, she had managed to suck and tuck everything back into its place. I’m sure it’s the same technique used for the “before” and “after” photos in diet pill ads.

  7. 7
    British
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 6:06 am

    I take it all future updates will be around BB? I’m still crossing my fingers for a recap of Average Joe 1 week ago. There was a priceless moment that happened.

  8. 8
    the secretary
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 6:08 am

    I swear, if Ivette does the “I’m a hot headed latina, so watch out!” thing one more time I’m going to scream.

    I’m not a great fan of Michael, but the Eric-ocracy has got to go.

  9. 9
    Brian
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 6:09 am

    Worst casting in Big brother history.Half of them don’t say boo and the other half won’t shut up.Ashlea has no idea how lucky she was to get out of that nut farm.
    Note to house guests…….if Eric gets you all together to drink some Kool Aid……DON’T DRINK IT !!!!!!!

  10. 10
    America's Next Top Fan
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 6:12 am

    Eric is an ass! I can’t wait until Janelle takes a shit on the little guy. Janelle is so hot I would bang her so hard she would turn from beached blond to redhead. Kasar’s hot too. I would bang that accent right out of him.

    If I was Eric, sorry, Cappy’s wife I’d be worried about how much ass kissing Maggie is doing. Her lips are securely implanted up Eric’s rear and I’m sure they’ve banged eath other in the back of that ambulance she works on.

    Somebody shoot the producers for not letting at least a smack happen. This is one time you’d wish The Real World producers were on hand. Maybe a smack, brocken jawbone or rape would have occured in the BB house. Now that’s TV.

  11. 11
    Krista
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 6:18 am

    What can I say about Eric that hasn’t already been said? Napoleon Complex? Check! Midget? Check! Paranoid? Check! Tyrannical? Check!! Mutant? Check! Insane with Power? Check, check! Small penis? I’m guessing check!?!? ‘Roid rage? Check! Eric is horrible! I can not wait until he is OUT of the house!

  12. 12
    Jo-Anna
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 6:29 am

    I can’t believe no references were made to April’s age in this episode…I’m a little disappointed!

    Nevertheless, reading these recaps make the show bearable.

  13. 13
    British
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 6:54 am

    I don’t watch BB, but April seems to have the world’s longest neck, and seems older than 30. She looks like Lisa Kudro in like, 5 years.

  14. 14
    J-unit
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 7:03 am

    Sorry about some of those grammatical errors, I got a little drunk earlier in the evening with a friend of mine, and the concentration was coming with a little bit of difficulty.

  15. 15
    Jess
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 7:09 am

    I enjoyed the typos and the wrong names being used. “natural TV” was my fave! :)

    Eric is a blowhard numbnuts. He doesn’t even make for good TV b/c he’s not even a love-to-hate villian. He’s just a pure asshole!

  16. 16
    the secretary
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 7:09 am

    OK – one more item of Eric hate and then I’m done:

    Does he think we’re going to forget that he’s a fireman? Because he seems to have a particular fondness for wearing those “LVFD” “I am a HERO, dammit!” tees and such.

    Gawd, what a tool.

  17. 17
    Caroline
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 7:14 am

    I never got this. Seriously. I have never understood why people get angry when someone they don’t know talks about their families. So what? Michael probably couldn’t pick Crappy’s family out of a crowd. Why is Crappy so up in arms? Is he five? That’s so stupid and annoying. Someone I don’t know could say my mother is a cheap, stupid b*tch. I would say, “My mother is not cheap or stupid, but good guessing on the last one.” It’s so f’ing juvenile. I hope when people get out their friends and families will tell the how ridiculous they looked. And I bet Crappy thinks he’s so noble for defending his family. *sswipe.

  18. 18
    sandman
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 7:43 am

    If Ivette would get Cuban on my ass, does that mean I could get Caucasian on her ass and show her my drivers license and insurance card?

  19. 19
    hannahthehun
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 7:45 am

    The best part of BB is watching powerful alliances crumble. Someone has GOT to take out that little tool, but for some reason everybody seems to LIKE the dude.
    I think Kaysar did a fairly decent job of defending Michael without making himself too much of a target. Plus, he’s really hot.

  20. 20
    EricSmallDick
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 7:53 am

    In any “normal” season, I’d hate Micheal, but Eric is such an asshole that I actually feel sorry for the dude. I also could not believe that the black gay dude was all up Eric’s azz about Mike’s sexual harrassment after he was practically raping Kaysar last week!

  21. 21
    mariana
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 8:04 am

    BB6 RULES!!! good recap except.. michael and eric’s names were switched throughout which made it hard to follow at times.. but can’t blame you as there was sooooo much excitement yesterday.. i started talking to my cat like she was watching too.. i watch too much tv.

  22. 22
    Stefanie
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 8:13 am

    “Huh? How is not following Ivette’s poorly formed argument tantamount to not respecting women?”

    THANK you! that made NO sense to me. i’m all for feminism, but COME ON. first acting as though a burp and casual comment is the biggest deal in the world, then pulling out the ‘respect for women’ card? ivette, CHILL. please.

    other than that, this season makes me sad. no, wait, bored.

  23. 23
    me
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 8:14 am

    I thought it was funny when James was telling us that he was unsure about the Veto Challenge because he is afraid of heights…and the zip lines were about four or five feet off the ground!

  24. 24
    bcarter
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 8:30 am

    Nicely written, extremely perceptive summary!

    (I think you slighty mangled the veto competition pairs, though.)

  25. 25
    America's Next Top Fan
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 8:36 am

    j-unit. I like your picture of Kaysar that says “Michael’s Secret Partner”

    Something very wrong about that.

  26. 26
    Plumes_
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 8:55 am

    Sorry for the typo — I meant “roid rage !!

    Crappy has the best boobs in the show, and is a boob himself.

    If someone talks about your family and you retort — ” Dont talk about my fucking family !” — how mugh respect do you have about your own family??

    Eric’s kids must be really proud at school today !!

    Pity the poor shlubs that have to work with this asshole !!!

  27. 27
    Ginny
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 8:56 am

    I found it interesting that Eric kept saying that nobody talks about his “F***ing Family” like that. Nice adjective, Cappy.

    About Kaysar – from what I’ve read in live feed recaps, he’s tried to deal with Michael – telling him that he’s not the same Michael he knows outside of the house, to calm down, etc.. but Michael’s not listening. That was obvious in last night’s episode, too. At what point is it okay for Kaysar to give up and let Michael do himself in (as opposed to taking him down with him)? I say now.

    I’d like to see Eric voted off ASAP – hopefully with Ivette still stuck up his ass. A BB ‘twofer’.

    Great site, by the way!

  28. 28
    kepster
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 8:59 am

    I LOVED that you referred to Eric as “Dear Leader”…it cracked me up. Nice to know that Eric is available to fill in if any dictatorship positions open up…

  29. 29
    jack
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 9:01 am

    FIGHT! FIGHT! HI-LARIOUS!

    There is nothing better than watching a sanctimonious, self-obsessed, ‘roid-raging dickhead lose his shit on national TV, especially after he’s been spending so much time trying to psychologically bludgeon everyone into doing his bidding, occasionally soliciting some more transparently fake, teary-eyed sympathy by whipping out the ‘god bless and worship all firemen because of 9/11′ violin and sawing on the motherfucker til the veins on his shiny skull look ready to burst. last time i checked, the world trade center was in NY, not las vegas, but nevermind.

    still, michael sort of deserves to be bitch-slapped, not for mocking mini-mr. clean (and pretty much everyone else but kaysar and janelle), but for putting his prissy ego in front of strategy, and, in doing so, guaranteeing his ouster from the house. maybe he’s ready to go home, but his behavior has left fellow scapegoats janelle and kaysar (guilty by association according to the kafka-esque logic of the puggish and pugnacious “cappy’s” reign) in a win-or-go-home situation next week. michael could very easily have worked his way back into the good graces of the others with a little faux-contrition, but i guess he’d rather make fun of eric’s cock size than win half a million bucks.

    this is why big brother is great: it brings out the worst in people who didn’t have much going for them in the first place, solely for our snarky pleasure.

  30. 30
    G-MAN
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 9:03 am

    Hello, roommates? Meet hypocrisy. Hypocrisy, meet the roommates.

  31. 31
    Cristina
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 9:03 am

    I would just like to say on behalf of all Cubans, that we find Ivette to be an embarrassment to all of us and we plan to kick her out. Maybe Puerto Rico will take her.

    I am Cuban and from Miami and every time she would say “I’m Latin, so I can get loud” I cringed.

    You know Ivette, some of us can actually control the volume at which we speak. Some of us aren’t constanly yelling because we feel the need to be the center of attention.

    Everytime Ivette appears on screen I have to look away. She is one of the most obnoxius, ignorant, and bigoted people I have ever seen.

    Did anyone catch how when she was making fun of Michael she made some reference to how his teeth were messed up because he was British. On the live feeds she has also referred to Kaysar as a “camel-rider” and said that he can’t respect women because he is a Muslim.

    Of all the Cubans in Miami (and there are a few of us here), this is the bitch they decided to put on national television?

    Thanks a lot Ivette for making all of us Cubans proud.

  32. 32
    Retroqueen
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 9:09 am

    Excellent recap of a bunch of losers

    I never thought I’d long for the days of Cowboy and Scott in the tub for my amusement

  33. 33
    vtashore
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 9:13 am

    The CBS producers have done a terrible job of casting this season, falling into the Real World trap of casting roles meant to create tension. Eric has a Napolean complex, and Michael, (I think) is an a$$hole. His aggressive manner of getting in Eric’s face seemed designed to force a physical confrontation. (I used to manage a bar and saw this behavior all the time.)

    And what’s up with the staff psychologist not seeing that this was all building up and putting a stop to it before it escalated?

    Kaysar doesn’t seem to be a good candidate for reality tv; he’s calm, controlled, rational . . . what were they thinking in selecting him for this show?

    Janelle is the only hamster with any promise of being entertaining this season, but she has isolated herself from everyone in the house but Michael, and has insured herself of eviction next week unless she’s HOH.

    I am enjoying the carefree antics of the houseguests on BB5 Australia much more than the tense aggression of our series. (Free LiveCam! Occasional nudity! No blood!) http://bigbrother.3mobile.com.au/

  34. 34
    shannon
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 10:37 am

    I hate Ivette and like Kaysar, but no one else noticed the overly aggressive way he got in her face? I think Kaysar might not be so cool, calm and collected. Especially towards women.

  35. 35
    mountain girl
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 10:47 am

    I think Nappy (Napolean + Cappy…although I like Crappy too) is ridiculous, Ivette is annoying, and April is delusional. Why hasn’t any called her out for starting this while freaking thing! Yes, Michael was forward with her, but not anymore more so than with any of the other women. If April had a problem with him, SHE needed to speak with HIM, but noooo, go run to Nappy and let him f*uck it up even more. And then she sits there later in a conversation with Janelle she completely left out the fact that SHE was the one to cry foul, just said it was “someone”. Yeah, right. Ugh.

    I am really starting to like Janelle though. First, the excellent move of playing chess and then all of the catty comments in the diary room. I really hope she wins HOH.

  36. 36
    dancing queen
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 10:49 am

    Eric (Cappy) is sort of like John from Stripsearch (VH1). They both need sports bras, have a god-like complex and are a waste of a spot on tv that could have been filed by a funny reality whore.

  37. 37
    Gruffydd
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 12:03 pm

    If the producers have any sense of entertainment value, the HOH competition would be designed for Janelle to win. That would be great TV!

  38. 38
    Tony A.
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 12:06 pm

    15 minutes into this show I realized this is the most childish bunch of people I’ve ever seen on “rea;ity” TV. The show is a caricature of the rest, with the chenbot’s pronouncements, the overreacting “guests”, the total confusion in their behavior. Just when I begin to think sanity may return, all hell breaks loose, in the silliest of ways. No one is smart enough to have some sort of strategy.

    I haven’t noticed any comments of the staredown from Kaysar to Ivette. It was far tenser and more dangerous than the schoolyard “I’m going to punch your ass out!” set-to between Michael and Eric. Kaysar’s look was one of true hate; just check it out again. Norman Bates lives!

  39. 39
    Caroline
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 12:11 pm

    I love Janelle. I want her to go far. She’s funny as f*ck. And just imagine how mean she would be to everybody when she was HOH.

  40. 40
    Tonia
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 12:37 pm

    Eric scares me. The hardest part was hearing him say that he was actually getting “worried” about the situation. Why is everyone acting like love sick puppies and following this fool?! If there is a god let Micheal stay so he can kick Eric’s ass just once!! DAMN!

  41. 41
    hannahthehun
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 12:38 pm

    Not to get all psychological on you guys, but Michael is under a lot of pressure living in confined quarters with 10 people who hate his guts. I don’t think anybody would act normal under those circumstances.
    I think someone else mentioned before that Ivette’s comment about Kaysar not respecting women wasn’t about him personally but more of an insult to his religious beliefs. She meant for that statement to be as offensive as possible, so I don’t know how anyone can hold it against him for getting offended.

  42. 42
    katieslonelyhole
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 1:10 pm

    That Eric is such a tragic troll, but he’s got these fools brainwashed. I hate his fat blonde bitch partner too. Another piece of trash.

    Kaysar should of strangled Ivette, now that would of been interesting television! I hate Ivette..she uses her ethnicity as an excuse to be obnoxious, screechy and bossy. I’d love to see her get beat up!

    By the way, I’d do Kaysar too! : )

  43. 43
    scorpiella
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 1:27 pm

    I was so bummed that Michael didn’t win the POV! I do not think it is ever acceptable for a man to hit a woman, however, I do not think Kaysar overreacted to Ivette at all. Someone said she has criticized his religion in the past on the live feeds and that is definitely what she meant when she said he didn’t respect women. I hate Eric with a burning passion but I really need Ivette to go first. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard!

  44. 44
    reality'slut
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 1:33 pm

    Hey all! Excellent comments and HIlarious recap. Again, this is the first BB I have watched since the first. Yes, there are too many pretty people and too few strategists, but that seems par for the course in Reality Land nowadays.

    Luckily, the sweet & seXXXy Kaysar is both pretty and a strategist. I would have dumped Michael’s ass too. What a nimrod that tool is. And don’t downplay the popularity of Crappy Nappy. I read other reality TV sites (gasp! traitorous bitch that I am!) and folks LOVE his Daddy of the House, good-time family values, heroic fireman schtick. He is playing right into the Red States desire for clean living, Republican leadership. (*retch*)

    As to Kaysar standing up to Ivette… from the other sites I have read, she has been pushing his buttons on Live Feed about him being a sinner, and not a “true” Muslim, and yadda yadda yadda… Basically being a big fat bitch and pulling every racial, ethnic and religious stereotype about Arab Muclim men out against him. Something that would surely cause her to “Go LAtina” if anyone trash talked Cubans near her. So far, Kaysar has been a paragon of calm, thoughtfulness and respect. Imagine being an Iraqui Muslimin this country. I read somewhere about Kaysar’s reaction after 9/11 and he said he felt for the first time like a foreigner in his (albeit adopted) country of the U.S. So, I don’t think he was gonna pounce on Ivette, although she deserved it as much as Michael deserved it by calling the drunk Eric a midget, but I think he had had enough and was just super angry.

    Anyhoo… my 2 cents!

  45. 45
    E.
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 1:47 pm

    Omg, best episode EVER! I’ll tell you why. Not only was it one explosion after another- okay two explosions after another, but we got to see its evolution. I’m so glad you brought up the fact that Nappy Crappy never found out WHAT Rachel over heard. Not what Michael said, but what Rachel over heard. Everyone over the age of 14 knows that there can be a huge difference.

    Anyway, I’m just glad that this was all originally a ruse to get Janelle (the smartest and most interesting player in that house) out; but Michael decided to dig himself an even deeper hole.
    Did you notice at the end of the Vito ceremony, Janelle put her hands over her face? It looked like she was covering up her laughter because she knew there was nothing she needed to say or do to secure her safty.
    Maybe if we all pray hard enough to the Chenbot, she’ll grant Janelle with HOH so she can devise someway of getting Eric back hame to that family he loves so damn much.

  46. 46
    Mike
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 2:00 pm

    I think it’s amazing how the reality of the houseguests are skewed. Listening to the live feeds, you can TELL that Eric is an ass.

    Michael and Janelle are my two favorites, because they see through Eric’s insanity.

  47. 47
    EROSion
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 3:26 pm

    Isn’t everyone so glad these houseguests aren’t turning out to be bland and boring? They *are* extremely annoying, but at least it’s in an entertaining way.

    I can’t wait to see Kaysar really lose it and release the Iraqi rage we all know he has hidden deep inside. And yes, J-Unit, his shirt is maybe the only funny “ironic T-shirt” out there.

    If Janelle goes home tomorrow, I will consider crying. She is turning out to be likeable and smart (minus the “sheeps” comment).

    Hearing the BB voice was so exciting! I can’t wait for the rest of this season, even if the Almighty Eric stays for a few more weeks (and he will).

  48. 48
    EROSion
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 3:56 pm

    PS EricSmallDick: Thanks for mentioning the man-rapist Beau and his nasty flirting with Kasar. He is so not fabulous. He is the first BB gay man that doesn’t make me swoon.

  49. 49
    smithie
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 4:37 pm

    Not the most exciting point in the show, but I loved when James smiled in approval when his girlfriend opened the door, i thought it was adorable. However not adorable I did notice her pooch of a belle that looked suspiciously like a women’s stomach post birth…SUMMER OF SECRETS…

    Also I thought the way Kaysar stood up in Janelle’s face was super inappropriate.
    And what’s up with the Iraqi turning on his friend that would take a bullet for him? (ie US/Iraq)

    SUMMER OF SECRETS-OUT!

  50. 50
    tv freak
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 7:50 pm

    I think that Michael looks strangely like the villan from The Incredibles. It bothers me. What is with the whole midget thing. I hate Michael and Eric. I think that Howie will win.

    It’s official! Ivette is awesome! I think that I have just fallen in love with her accent. I loved the way she made fun of Michael. She had enough and I was loving it! Michael is more crazy. Seriously, I do not get the midget thing at all. Michael is an idiot.

  51. 51
    boondocksaint
    Posted July 20, 2005 at 8:56 pm

    This is what makes BB so damn entertaining…is watching people like this self destruct. People you hate with a passion that cause drama are the very reason you are watching. Remember some seasons like 4 which were virtual snooze fests halfway in, and everyone complaining about the lack of backstabbing/drama. Well, I think this season is pretty good so far, simply bc most of the hamsters are completely stupid and are going off on emotions…this is the perfect setup. I’m sure some others are scheming as the Crappy Alliance will eventually fall…when the ‘fit hits the shan’, it’ll be great.

  52. 52
    Me
    Posted July 21, 2005 at 4:35 am

    Funny recap. Accurate assessment of this retarded fight that took place. Thanks!

  53. 53
    Jess
    Posted July 21, 2005 at 5:47 am

    HA! Michael DOES look like the villian from the Incredibles!

  54. 54
    Lubin Odana
    Posted July 21, 2005 at 9:18 am

    New words of the day: Pronuciate! Sheeps!

    I hate Ivette. Her “He must be English as he has bad teeth” comment was totally offensive. I am English and have lovely teeth. And then seconds later she complains that Kaysar doesn’t respect women – a comment that kind of fell flat on its face considering how un-PC she’d just been. Hateful sow.

  55. 55
    shelley
    Posted July 21, 2005 at 9:34 am

    Christina, don’t you have to be gay to live in Puerto Rico?

    (JUST KIDDING! JOKE PEOPLE!)

  56. 56
    Matt
    Posted July 21, 2005 at 10:08 am

    great recap. thanks for the laffs.

    clearly eric and ivette are big problems in terms of the house mood and typical BB wackiness. i have a feeling it’s only a matter of time before their obnoxious, sanctimonious, attention-demanding bullshit is sniffed out by somebody and they’re knocked the hell out.

    THEN we can get into the real meat of the season, AND enjoy the “what were we thinking?” post-delusion hangovers of the houseguests.

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