Big Brother: It’ll Fit, Just Shove It Harder

****Please welcome Cherie to Big Brother!!

Before we get started I know you guys want to know. How the hell did I get to recap an episode of Big Brother? Well now that’s just between, me, Flipit and the pictures I have of him with Richard Simmons. On to the show!

As usual we have to start off with the what came before because I don’t know anyone who can retain information for more than 4 or 5 minutes tops. Actually, I really can’t either. So basically Russ got his drawers all tangled in a rope and won HOH. Russ decided Ronnie the Rat should go but then got all paranoid like my bro does after he has his theraputic glaucoma treatments. He then caught Michele in a flat out lie and he and ChiaPet Head had a huge fight. Jeff and Jordan got to first base and then Jeff found out he was given the power of the “Coop dee tah.”

Although Ronnie the Rat’s allies stood by him, his ratty little face and flabby white ass was shown the door. And as he’s leaving Michele mumbles some shit about never having any ill will and Ratface yells “And be quiet, SCENE!” On to the HOH, Russell realizes he’s in deep shit when ChiaPet takes control. So who will she nominate? And who will the house guests receive an unexpected house call from? I’m thinking the health department cause damn. There’s a whole lot of nasty going on up in that house.

As if we hadn’t just gone over all that, Chenbot’s voice tells Ronnie and Tatts that they have one last chance to plead their case. Ratface ,in a quivering , I have been so injured voice, starts out kinda nice but then rips into Michele who he says that he wanted to say some things but he’s basically gonna hold back and just say she is the worst human being he’s ever had the misfortune of knowing. Wow, way to hold back you nerdy little weasel. What? He didn’t hold back why should I?

Michele just smiles as does Tatts who has now become a raccoon. Seriously, what the hell? She actually thought that shit through and then did it. When it’s announced Ratface is a big loser he smiles like Miss America and hops up happily. Man is his wife a lucky ass woman or what?

Michele tells us he is just bitter. Can I point out that she is supposed to be a neuroscientist yet she can’t seem to master the tweezers?

Tatts is thrilled to be staying, and to have won a part in the remake of Olivia Newton-John’s “Let’s Get Physical” video. But she’s bummed that Jessie may have voted against her cause they are like “connected.”

Jeff is thrilled that Ratface is hitting the bricks but Jessie for some reason thinks this has thrown a wrench into his plans. He then says this stupid shit. “We lost a wing man, and a very good wing man he was. But he will be remembered and vengence will be sought out and revenge will be sweet.” Hey pointy face, what the fuck do you think this is Top Gun? Goose is DEAD! Go play with your cousin and get off my tv.

After Douchebaginess finally leaves, Russell tells us that with that vote he realizes that Jessie, Natalie and Chima had gone against his wishes. Next thing ya know Chima wins HOH which sort of puts Russell in the “OH fuck” department. He gives her the key and she’s all jumpy jumpy happy happy cause she and her gang of nerds buddies are safe! Russell says he will be kissing a lot of Chima ass and then Peacock head says this shit.

Back in the house later everyone is talking about the “Wizard powers”. Mainly because none of them can say coup d’état. Ratalie makes it clear to all that just because someone has it doesn’t mean they have to use it. Jeff tells us he’d be stupid not to use it. I agree. But how much ya wanna bet he lets this shit ride and my Russell goes home?

Later the “girls” Michele and Tatts are thinking they are going up for sure. All the while Tatts is putting what looks like mascara in her hair. Pop on over to ChiaPet and Ratalie. Chia is telling Ratalie that as far as she is concerned she and Jessie are safe. They go back and forth about who they trust until they get to Russell who they both agree is a competitor and he plays everybody. Unlike these two who sit and pray all day and then make bread for the poor locals. But they also agree that if Russell got HOH he would not put either of them up. Excuse me…hahahahahahahaha!!!!! Who wants to see ChiaPets HOH room!

She has pics of her Mom and Dad too. Her dad looks about 3 seconds older than she does. And then it begins. The letter from Mom. Her Mom has been sick. Like really sick. But the docs have given her a new diagnosis and new hope. She doesn’t want to worry Chiapet with any of it she just wants her to stay strong and stay true. Everyone in the room has the same face I do. And I don’t like having that face. It involves emotions. Dammit!

Everyone congrats her on her HOH and then Michele starts speaking and I’m still wondering why. She says some shit about being glad to see a woman as head of household. She knows they’ve had their differences and she’s not sure where she stands with her but she hopes that Chima dislikes other people in the house more than she dislikes her. And she hopes Russell is her target this week. ChiaPet confirms my worst fears by saying she thinks maybe Russell should go up. Frankly I think it’s because she can’t get him to do her but that’s just me.

Oh man, Russell drags his sack upstairs to belittle himself to ChiaPet cause he knows if he doesn’t his ass his a goner. She takes full advantage by asking “Why are you here?” To knit you a sweater bitch why do you think? Hello? I’m here to grovel and plead for my very existence. Otherwise, I just called to say..I love you……..I just called to say how much I care……Sorry Cherie is having a moment. Back to the show. Russell apologizes for their fight. ChiaPet makes sure he understands she plans on sending his ass home on personal reasons.

Back and forth they go ending with, who ya gonna trust? A greasy haired mousy bitch or a big manly dude like myself. And they hug it out.

Outside we go. Jeff and Jordan are discussing this huge horrifying spider! It could kill them all any second! Jeff thinks if a bird flew into it’s web it would kill it and eat it.

Jordan wonders how they make webs, like does it shoot outta their butt? Jeff offers with their wrists, you know like spiderman. Jordan is al na-ah. Jeff is all uh huh! Jordan also offers that she would not know how to perform spider duties if she were a spider. Next she wants to know how they mate. Like horses? And she makes this face.

As night time falls weird hippyish sad shitty music begins to play. And I should have known. Something horrible was about to happen that I would then be expected to make humorous. Chima, Kevin, Jeff, Michele, are all in the bubble wrap room as chooch calls it when Chima out of the blue asks whether or not they want to hear a sad story.

NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!

Too late. Ten years ago Chima was raped at gunpoint by a serial killer. She only got away because she fought back. She was able to identify his ass and later he was linked to other serial rape/murders and put to death. Now there’s a recap stopper.

That’s a horrifying thing to endure. I know a little something about it. She says she only tells this not as a victim but as a survivor. She wants to talk to young people about it. Everyone is very supportive. And I ain’t saying nuffin right now. EXCEPT, why tell this story now? And why didn’t she already start talking to young girls about it since it happened 10 YEARS ago? I did the research. I know what she’s saying is true I just don’t quite get why she brought it up now, to these people who are basically strangers. Send any and all hate mail to ihatecherie.com. I guess maybe sometimes it’s easier to talk about horrific events that happen to you, to perfect strangers on national tv. Ima shut up now.

Off to Jeff and Jordan land where Jordan is SURE she is going up. She’s also sure Michele has the mystery power and that if she goes up she’ll take herself off and Jordan will be screwed. Jeff tries to reassure her without actually telling her he has the Coup DeVille.

Holy shit it’s the doorbell! Who could it be? President Obama? Amy Winehouse? Regis Philbin? Nope. It’s Jeremy Piven. You know, that dude from that show I don’t watch. Entourage. Again send all hatemail to ihatecherie.com. Why is he there you ask? Why he baked muffins and just wanted to be neighborly. But he’ll need his basket back. Some of you will get that and those who don’t, well, bite me. Smooches!

Everyone goes nutty at the sight of a real life celebrity. Mr. Pink Shirt can’t believe how well they look considering they’ve been trapped in a house with a yard and pool and hot tub and food and you know, general deprivation. By Hollywood standards they might as well be homeless. He makes them go into the next room so he can show them a hideous clip from a movie he’s promoting. And here I was just thinking he was dropping off muffins!

Damn dude, he asks everyone who’s the first one they all think will lose it. Not even Tatts can deny that one. She’s a self admitted nutcase.

Jeremy Nosyass asks who’s made out with who and Tatts says she laid on Kevin earlier. Jeremy says “So BB made you straight?” Laughs all around. Finally Piven announces why he is really there which is to promote his movie announce that their luxury comp involves being able to go to a screening of his new movie The Goods.

It looks basically like Mall Cop meets…..something crappier. Anywho he wishes them well and tells them there is also a nice large cash bonus at stake. As he’s trying to leave he makes the mistake of saying “See you on the other side” and the other nutty ass stalkers want dates and times and places. Sort of. He says don’t worry, he’ll find them. I say hide Jeremy Piven…HIDE!

Outside we go! The comp involves like two station wagon cars and Fred Sanfords front yard. First they have to decide who will be on which team. ChiaPet is the host. She tells them they must chose teams. Shirts or Ties. After that each team has 5 minutes to stuff as much crap in their cars as possible and still all be able to fit in and close the doors. Each piece of crap is assigned a point number that will reperesent how many cars they’ve sold. Got it? Me neither.

Jeff, Kevin, Tatts and Michele were ties. Jordan, Russell, Jessie and Natalie were shirts. As HOH ChiaPet can’t play but she can choose a team to bet on and if they win she has a chance at the cash and seeing this ridiculous movie. She bets on the shirts. And off they go shoving shit to and fro.

At one point the other teams were stealing shit that they had pulled out JESSIE! Finally time was running out and everyone had to shove their asses into the car with all the junk and close the doors! Kevin was trying his best but Tatts ass was right in his face, finally he took one for the team and just shoved his face right in that mess.

As they count up all the crap that represents cars, the Ties have 399. That means as ChiaPet splained to us that the shirts would have to sell more than that to avoid becoming a have not, be able to see the crappy movie and be eligible for a cash prize. And the counting begins.

ChiaPet tells the shirts that behind her are commision checks. Each shirt is to grab one and open it. Whoever has the largest sum wins that amount. Chia has $8500. Ratalie has $9999.00. Jessie has $7500.00. Jordan has $5000. and Russell’s turns out to be for $10,000.00. Russell wins. And tries to play it down.

Later Tatts comes plopping into the not spa room where Jessie is laying. She lays on top of him and he tells her he can’t breathe. Most girls would take the hint and go away. Not this chick. She tells us that even though he voted against her and he wanted to evict her she’s still going to be his friend because it will only benefit her. Uhhh, how? IF HE VOTED TO EVICT YOU. In other words she wants to boink him and so everytime he sneezes she will see it as his profession of undying love and devotion.

So who else comes bopping into the Jessie Triangle? That would be Ratalie. And she’s a bit demanding.

Nomination time! Michele is still yapping about “girl power”. Jordans scared cause they aren’t on the cool side of the house. Here comes ChiaPets speech. She claims her nominations will be based on blah blah blah bullshit personal reasons. And she calls everyone in.

You know the drill. One by one they each draw a key. First key, Natalie. Second key Jeesie, third key Kevin, fourth key Michele, fifth key Jordan, sixth key Jeff. That leaves Russell and tatts up for eviction. Chima says it shouldn’t be a surprise to him. She tells Tatts she put her up to avoid her giving him a vote to stay.

Jesssie makes some comment about being afraid of wizard man, or a unicorn flying up his ass and making him leave. Jeff says he has the CDT so after the POV he will decide who he wants gone not Chima. Stayed tuned folks. It only gets better from here.

Love and Smooches,
Cherie