Big Brother: Janelle-O-Vision Also Apparently Makes Dick Attractive

So, full disclosure regarding Janelle: I loved her in Season Six, did not love her in Season Seven. In Season Six she was smart, she was wily, she made up for her allies mistakes, and she was rude to all of the nozzles in the house, which was quite satisfying. In Season Seven, however, she knew that we all loved her and as such, she spent way too much time all, “Aren’t I awesome?” which is never good. She made poor strategic decisions and essentially sold out her friends, essentially allowing Will to play her like a fiddle. He took advantage of her ability to win competitions and used it to his advantage, and even though she voted him out at the end, it was too little, too late and the deed was already done. Honestly, if you were unhappy with the Mike/Erika Final Two last year, you can pretty much look almost exclusively in Janelle’s direction on that one. Sorry to say it, but there it is. With that said, I still mostly love her. I can’t help it, she was so awesome two years ago. So, hopefully we’ll get Original Recipe Janelle tonight.

We color in after Jess and Jameka’s nominations. Jess (who looks exceedingly hot in the shirt she’s wearing, as everyone who watched the show with me on Sunday noted), tries not to look sad. Jameka tells us that the ceremony was bullshit. Word, Jameka. I cannot effing believe he didn’t put up ED and Daniele. The fact that he didn’t essentially guarantees that he’s playing for third place right now. Also, if I don’t at least get to see Daniele voted out, I’ll be sad. Is it bad that in the Sophie’s Choice situation that is having to hang out with one of them or the other, I would choose Dick?

Eric is sad because he feels like he let Jessica down. Well Eric, you have no one to blame but America for telling you what to do. Seriously, this twist has been a complete success. Dustin, Amber, Jen: all evicted because “we” (meaning, I guess, everyone who hates me and votes) wanted it to happen. If I’m Alison Grodner, I’m taking my pimp suit to the dry cleaners right now. Jameka fuels the fire by stating that all the pressure is on Eric to win the veto, because then it’s guaranteed that Dick or Daniele goes up since they are the only options.

Zach tells Daniele in the HoH about how Jessica gave Zach the hairy eyeball during the nomination ceremony. Damn!

He did deserve it for the boneheaded move. They also talk about how shifty and rat-faced Eric is with all of his nervous twitches. The whole time they talk, Daniele is grossly gnawing on some Twizzlers, which is disturbing because it’s like watching a cow eat hamburger. Seriously, isn’t she made of those things?

In the nomination room, Eric tells Jameka how he feels responsible for this whole thing. Don’t blame yourself, dude, blame the red state audience who, for some reason that escapes me, seems to love fucking Dick and Daniele. He tells Jameka that he feels useless because of all the poor choices he’s made. I’m not sure he should feel like that over last week, because if he had used the veto and taken Zach or Amber off of the block and Dick/Daniele had gone on, he wouldn’t have been able to vote for them anyway, which would have screwed him even further than he has been now.

At dinner, Jessica tells a story about how she was on stage at a Girl Scout Convention when the MC asked he what she wants to be when she grows up. She tells the houseguests that she said she wanted to be the first female President, or…a waitress. Everyone laughs (mostly because it’s funny), but Daniele, who has been in a shitty mood for going on…oh, twenty-one years now, seems to take personal offense because she can’t take a joke. Seriously, has she ever had a sense of humor? She works at Hooters, she has to realize she’s not in the Harvard MBA program.

Dick replaces the word “waitress” in Jessica’s joke with the word “stripper”, and Daniele suddenly thinks that he’s comparing the two, when in reality he’s just carrying the joke a little further. So she gets all up in arms about it, because everything is about Daniele, including Jessica’s childhood. Dick rightly tells her to shove off, so she throws a temper tantrum and then leaves the room. And I have now officially typed “Daniele throws a temper tantrum and leaves the room” as much as “Amber cries” this season.

Dick goes into the bedroom and tells Daniele that he was just kidding. Thanks for making me see Dick as the voice of reason, Daniele. So, round number 5,357 of the Dick and Daniele Waltz takes place where he tries to talk to her in a forward and honest manner, which pushes her farther away from him because he fucked her up during childhood, which makes him feel more frustrated and responsible, which makes him try harder to be more forward and honest, which pushes her farther away from him because he fucked her up, and so forth, into infinity. Seriously, this is the Mambo No. 5 of Big Brother scenes. Next week: Schoonie and Flipit recap a test pattern.

Shit, that test pattern Indian looks sort of like Daniele.

Back from the commercial, the houseguests sleep and Janelle sneaks into the house! It’s like the really hot tooth fairy has come to visit. Zach tells everyone that it’s time for the veto, which gets everyone up and out of bed and into game mode, since everyone’s playing this week. The whole backyard is dressed up in pink, and there’s a giant plasma screen in the middle. A picture (Janelle’s) slowly forms on the screen and the houseguests guess who the photo is. Daniele throws out Alison (which, no shit, would be AWESOME), and Eric throws out April. Dick chokes on his own vomit and tells Eric that he would throw her in the pool if that were the case. That’s a perfect opportunity to make a Pepperoni joke, wasted! Then Janelle’s photo forms and Eric comments that it looks like Miss Piggy, which Daniele laughs at because it’s sort of a little true, the way she’s done up. No offense to Janelle, but you guys know the photos they take do these people no favors.

Janelle comes out, looking hot, and they all swoon over her. Eric gets immediately uncomfortable about Janelle overhearing his comments, and Dick laughs in the Diary Room about Eric putting his foot in his own mouth, which is totally something that I would do. Hell, I do it for you guys like twice a week.

Daniele tells us that Janelle is an “inspiration”. Janelle did a lot of things in the house, but she definitely never whined. You, ma’am, are no Janelle. Janelle reads the instructions for the veto competition off of a sheet, and seriously, they couldn’t have had hear rehearse a little bit before she showed up? It’s not like took time out from guest starring on Grey’s Anatomy to do this or anything.

Essentially, the veto competition is that face mashing thing that they do every year, but first you have to spin around in a giant chair for sixty seconds so that you’re all dizzy. The HGs have four minutes to get as many puzzles from the “Janelle-o-vision” screen correct as they can. The houseguest who solves the most puzzles wins the veto. Daniele goes first, and she does very well. She tells us that when she can’t sleep, she just goes and stares at the memory wall, so she knows exactly what everyone looks like. It sure beats the alternative, which is thinking about how crappily you treat everyone and trying to think of ways to mend the broken relationship with your father. Because being a better person is sooooo haaaaaaaaaaard!

After Jameka does pretty poorly, Dick gets up in the spinning chair and flirts with Janelle. He tells us that it’s been two months since he’s been around a hot girl that he can flirt with. So, not to split hairs or anything, because I’m sure Dick’s vision is not that great, but from where I’m sitting, both Jameka and Jessica are pretty hot. Also Jen, but you know that old saying, “A girl you threaten to rape constantly is worth two in the bush.” If you get what I mean, (wink wink) and I think you do. Seriously, how charming is he?

Dick ends up doing horribly, so he jokes about how he’s behind the screen making out with Janelle. I’m not sure you’re her type, but I could be wrong. This is the season of WTF romances. After Dick finishes up, he holds the curtain so that Janelle can walk through, and she calls him “a gentleman”. Which, has she been watching? Wait, I’ve got it. I bet she means Jen-tleman!

Eric is next, and we all know how he does with balance. He leaves the chair and immediately falls directly on his ass. Metaphor!

He tells us how important it is for him to win, but then he does…not well. After Zach and Jess take their turns, it’s time to see how everyone did. Turns out that Daniele wins the Power of Veto, which Janelle seems pretty excited about. If you haven’t figured it out, Janelle likes Dick and Daniele, so I’m glad she’s found yet another way for my memory of how awesome she was to be tarnished in constantly new ways.

Back from the commercial, Janelle says goodbye to the houseguests and hugs all of them, including a now shirtless Eric. (WTF?) He apologizes for calling her fat, and she has some grace about it and tells him it’s all good while she rolls her eyes at the camera. Well, Eric deserved that, so I’m glad she at least dished it out a little. When she hugs Dick, the captions tell us that he says “It’s not,” but he pretty clearly says “goodnight”. She tells him that he smells good, which I cannot imagine to be true, because he probably smells like the ashtray from a 1984 Dodge Caravan combined with the couch from your great-grandmothers house. Or the plastic from said couch.

After the veto Daniele goes up into the HoH room and does a celebratory dance for Zach, who you can tell is totally into her, because he is specifically that exact kind of dumb, and she knows it. You can also tell by the way she’s gloating the she thinks everyone watching at home must absolutely love her, so you can add that to the growing list of Ways In Which Daniele Is Exactly Like Amber That They Don’t Want You To Notice Because They Want Us All To Love Her When She Inevitably Makes The Final Two With Her Father.

They talk about how if they get rid of Jessica, Dick and Daniele will only have to compete against Eric for HOH next week, so…hate. Let us take a moment to imagine the absolute shit fit Daniele and Dick would throw if Eric and Jessica had pulled this on them instead, and all the preaching about integrity and throwing of insults and self-righteous bitching all over the house that would take place. That’s all I’m saying.

Over with Eric and Jessica, Eric tries to console her with the fact that Dick and Daniele are going to send Jameka home. Wrong! Jessica is totally pissed at this point because she knows she’s probably going home, and you can tell that she’s pretty much done with Eric.

And now, the part where Dick calls Janelle “a hot piece of ass”, and then skeeves all over the house about her. He seriously thinks he has a chance! Dude, she only did it because you’re the most popular houseguest, I hate to break it to you. I can’t believe I just had to type that.

While Dick and Eric lounge around in the hot tub, Eric tries to convince Dick that getting rid of Jameka is the best option, even though she has one more HoH competition free and hasn’t won a veto in months. Dude, Dick is a creepy asshole, but he’s definitely not dumb. America screwed up, and now your girl is going to pay for it.

Jessica and Eric lounge on the couch, and Jessica finally decides to let Eric know that she blames him for what has happened, when she should be blaming places like Nebraska. Look to Nebraska, Jessica! LOOK TO NEBRASKA! Their corn fields mask a black, black heart.

Jessica tells Eric that he should be the one on the block, and he tells her that Zach is threatened by her. He also tells her that they’ll send Jameka home because they’re scared to fuck with Eric himself, because they know if they send Jess home that they’ll have Eric to deal with. They must be so scared! All they’ll have to do is hold him by the forehead at arms length while he throws punches in the space between.

Back from the commercial break, Eric gets his directive from America to mock someone, and apparently we have chosen Dick. It would have been funnier if we had chosen Zach, because do we even really know anything about him? Think about it for a second.

So Eric tells us that Round 1 begins, and then he goes outside and literally starts mimicking Dick’s every action and repeating everything he says, which is completely not what the producers meant for him to do. He should have stomped around the hard and spat all over the place and called all the girls stupid bitched and said in a stupid voice, “I’m Dick, I’m a misogynist asshole! Watch me yell randomly at people as a manner of ineffective Alpha Male posturing!”

Dick sort of takes it all as a joke, which either makes Eric completely idiotic or a mad genius. Eric continues to mock Dick, and Dick is sort of confused and doesn’t know how to take it, sort of like his little brother is following him around.

For Round 3, Eric sits down next to Dick while he eats a bowl of cereal, and Dick actually throws his cereal all over Eric while Eric flings around an empty bowl. What a crock! Splash Dick with cereal! Maybe he’ll smell good, then. It goes on for literally forever, and they actually have to speed up the footage because Dick throws like his whole bowl on Eric. Dude, I think Eric is being hazed by America. He will never get into our fraternity!

Dick talks to himself in the backyard about who to evict and Daniele eventually joins the fray. It looks like it’s about dawn, which Daniele confirms when she tells Dick that it’s seven am. She tells Dick that she can’t figure out what to do, but that Eric’s game has been of the “mastermind” variety, which is “a deceitful, manipulating game”, whereas hers has been more honest and strategic, she says as she discusses whether to betray her alliance, the same one that Eric honored last week.

Dick tells us how bad he feels about possibly betraying his alliance, because he’s been so honest and open up to this point. It’s funny how the Ghost of Nick is only around when it suits these two. Dani tells her father that they’re going to have to turn on them anyway, and it doesn’t matter when they do it because it’s still going to be held against them. Um, not if you do it at final four, like you promised. Or five, like has been previously discussed. But, no time for logic! We have rationalizing to do!

Veto Ceremony. While Dani stares at the memory wall, Jess tells us that she’d be really happy if Eric went up in her place, because at least it’s not her. Yeah, you and me both. If you end up going home on Thursday, I will officially have no one to root for. Daniele calls everyone into the living room and asks the nominees to state their cases. A very hot looking Jameka mentions the five HoHs (smart move) and tells her to do whatever she wants. A very hot looking Jessica tells Daniele to do whatever she wants. Daniele, of fucking course, talks about how haaaaaaard it is to be in her position. Feel sorry for her! She’s probably going to win! What’s she gonna do with all that moneeeeeey! It’s so heavyyyyyy! And green is not her colorrrrrr!

Daniele chooses not to use the veto, which means that Eric may have to vote out Jessica on Thursday, although it seems unlikely that he will have to do so. Man, the outlook for this season’s final two is not good, y’all.