Big Brother: Jesus Should Earn Residuals

This week on Big Brother, Jesus forms a softball team.

Have another glass of wine, my child.

We start where we left off. The HG’s poured water on Chelsia and watched her shrink away and screech into nothingness. Later, bitch. Nat goes to the diary room and leaves a message for Chelsia to watch from Iowa. You see, Chelsia, the jokes on you. You may think Nat’s a nitwit, but she’s been to college (Community? Clown? ITT?) for three years. She just pretended to be stupid so that she could trick you!! Well done.

I totally fell for that one. Der.

Then she goes on to say that this was sweet sweet vengeance for Matty Poo, who is undoubtedly sitting at home crying while watching the live feeds and writing poetry to his little brainiac. Poor Nat.

Sheila, meanwhile, is trying to figure out what “rode hard” means, and decides that it must be something people in bars say. LOL. Oh, those people in bars are so uncouth.

Diane, you’re a slag.

She decides that even though she doesn’t know what the term means, it’s a really disrespectful way to treat a forty five year old mom who’s kid has the honor of all his friends at school knowing what her giant beaver looks like. Agreed, Sheila. Where’s the class?

We get a flashback to Chelsia whispering to Joshuah, but this time we get subtitles. She tells him that he shouldn’t worry too much about the challenges because they require zero brain power and physically he, his muffin top and his man boobs can do anything. Aw! Friends for life. Josh says that there really isn’t anyone as base and flat out shitty as him left in the house and he feels like he lost a sister. I’m sure she does too, Josh. I’m sure she does too. Who will you make dead dad cracks and dance around in severely unflattering thongs with now? A single tear is falling down my cheek.

On her way out, she kisses Hobo Hank (after he helped evict her and called her psycho on national TV) and tells him “There’s a reason for everything.” Um, yeah there is. The Universe wanted him to win so he could spread herpes and chlamydia peace around the world country state on his ghetto ass bike. Man. Less than a minute in and I wanna pull my hair out. Fortunately, the Universe already took it from me and I am now spared that pain. See? There is a reason for everything!

Moose puts it best. Her going out with a bang speech “was like a cap gun going off”. LOL. Sheila walks around pretending to pick crumbs off the carpet and says that she know what Chelsia said and it’s sad that she’s so jealous. It is. I picture Chelsia unpacking in the sequester house and shouting to the Heavens “WHY GOD? WHY AM I NOT MORE LIKE SHEILA KENNEDY!” We’ve all been there.

Natalie is so impressed that America voted on her being the best candidate to give an inspirational speech that she squeals and shouts at the camera like she’s trying to comfort a deaf baby. Josh is mortified that the country didn’t pick him, and says that he would be shocked if Nat could even write a speech. or if she could spell the word speech. He’s probably right, but she doesn’t have to write it, she just has to give it, and as we’ve seen with her head bobbing up and down in night vision, the girl’s a giver. Josh tells us that we got that one dead wrong and then goes on to make as many catty nasty remarks as he can about Nat. What were we thinking?This guy’s a regular Eckhart Tolle.

Anyone else find the shout out to Schindler’s list a wee bit creepy?



I’m just saying.

Natalie says that she is so so so excited because her win means that God vindicated her. HAHAHA. Man, if only all those people dying from starvation and AIDS in Africa really prayed, they could win HOH and eat whatever they want. Suckas. I wonder if God will add another curtain in her bedroom this week just to fuck with her.

Sheila was beside herself when Nat won, and I am happy for Sheila too. And for all of us, as this means we shouldn’t have to listen to her guttural dying animal sobs about how no one has her back fat. James knows that he’s completely screwed in this one, and Josh does too. He can’t believe he came in second to Natalie in a mental challenge and tells us to twist the knife in his heart just a little deeper. I think this is the first time I’ve wished to actually be close enough to this douche to carry out his wishes.

Nat goes inside shouting “I won a mental! I won a mental!” Aw. I feel like I won a mental too, hon. You. She goes on and on about how God spited that sinner Chelsia. And then she goes on some more. And then she passes around some tambourines and dances around topless with her alliance. Seriously, she won’t shut up about God striking down her enemies. Goodness, girl. Shut up. And how was this challenge considered mental, anyway? It was all guessing. But I digress. The four dopes start shouting “Thank God! Thank God! Yay God! Go for that touchdown God!” And then it’s hits them…

Ryan comes up with the most horrifying, hilarious, and confounding idea of the season: “We should be called Team Christ.” Finally, someone has managed to outdo the Nerd Herd in the moronic team name department. Thanks be to God!

The team: Team Christ. The sport: Conniving and backstabbing until you have defeated and humiliated everyone you called your friend for some cash. Amen.

I think we all need to just take a moment here and breathe. WOW. Wait….nope. Still all I’ve got is wow.

click to play

Natalie, still ecstatic to win for Team Christ, goes on and on for the rest of the day. It’s all about the number 7! She was born on the seventh, election day is the seventh, it’s the end of the seventh week, there are seven days in a week, there are seven dwarves, she loved Josh Hartnett in The Lucky Number Slevin, she has seven pounds of saline in her chest, she made seven dollars when she lap danced on the HG’s, she first fell out of bed and hit her head hard enough to see Jesus in a tortilla when she was seven years old, she eats seven grain bread, there are seven archangels and seven deadly sins, seven brides for seven brothers, 7th Heaven was a Christian show, and Matty Poo told her never to speak to him again and then fell asleep seven seconds after he climaxed that first fateful night.

Josh, whose man boobs have started to droop even lower with this new depression. bitches in the hot tub about how coo coo Nat is while he’s in the hot tub watching the water turn brown with Hobo Hank’s stank. He starts disproving all of Nat’s theories about the number 7. Impressive wit there, tiger, and thanks for the news flash. Nat’s an idiot. Can we move on to more pressing questions?

BVD’s in the hot tub, really?

Hobo Hank knows that he’s screwed unless he comes up with a brilliant plan, so he puts on a bright red super short hoodie robe and goes to Natalie’s room so he can give her dirty looks while she prays crazily. Nice one. You should write that down for all the future contestants on this show: suggest Little Red Riding Hood is a ho while simultaneously indicating that praying is batshit crazy to an uber Christian HOH. Oh wait, he’s talking now…”You gonna put me up?” I changed my mind. He’s brill.

Nat tells him that she is afraid to trust him after he screwed her and his answer is “you’ll never know til you try.” Uh, she did, remember? Don’t worry. She probably doesn’t either. She goes into the kitchen and screams out an annoying invite to check out her HOH room. Josh looks like he is going to kill himself, and I am glad to finally have something to root for tonight.

Josh disses all her pictures. There’s Nat winning a bikini contest (LOL), there’s Nat hugging a tree (LOL), there’s Nat turning tricks in a rest stop men’s room (EW). She cries when she reads the generic letter from her family, and especially the part where her dad says he’s so proud of her for giving bjs on TV that he’s sure to tell everyone at Wal Mart and everywhere he goes that she’s his kid. All his buddies in the Navy have a real good time looking her up on YouTube and when she gets home he hopes she’ll get on her knees for the service. Amen.

Sheila says she’s happy for Nat, but it all the pics make her think about her own family. Her son! Wait, I didn’t know she has a son! Why hasn’t she been using the single mom needs money pity card like every five minutes! Oh, yeah. I forgot. She pouts and cries just right for the cameras. Ugh. I hope her son is having house parties, selling her shit for blow, and getting girls pregnant in her bed while she’s away.

Seriously. What does rode hard mean?

Turns out Nat’s family members haven’t spoken to each other in years, but now that they know there’s a possibility that they could unite to get their piece of $500,000, they’re calling each other all the time to plot her demise. Sweetest. Story. Ever. Josh rolls his eyes and huffs and puffs during all of this, and I guess I am doing the same thing. The difference is, I’m not dressed like this:

And then the show repeats the previous two minutes. Weird. That’s what I love about this show. The craft. And then I think my favorite moment of the season happens. The HG’s sit around bored and Nat decides to lighten up the mood by initiating a game of hide and seek. As Josh rolls his eyes and everyone else half heartedly calls out “Natalieeee!”, she finds a big metal bucket and gathers all the towels she can to cover herself with.

She can’t stay still, so the pile of towels is constantly moving, and her knee is sticking out. HAHAHAHAHAH. Moose plays along and pretends he can’t find her, then Ryan. Finally, Josh walks right up to her and says “your knee is sticking out”. AHAHAHAHAHA. I seriously had to rewind and watch that shit again. I know a lot of you are anti Nat, but COME ON, people. Comedy gold. Even Josh is amused enough to actually make an effort to find her when she hides again.

God healed the scab on her knee! Go Team!

Later, still bored out of their minds, the HG’s sit around together and Sheila asks Josh how he told his parents that he was a mo. He tells a really touching story about being a freshman and wanting to stay at school a few days into Christmas break so he could go to a big gay party. His mom wouldn’t let him so he started a fight with her by shouting “I’m gay!” She was mortified enough to let him stay a couple extra days, and then she loved him and hugged him and his dad was accepting too. He seems really annoyed with his parents for being accepting and robbing him of a decent story to sway the house when he needs to so badly.

Sheila starts in about how that’s great of them and parents are supposed to love their kids, even when they are raging sinning homosexuals. Now someone ask how his parents reacted when he showed up on the internet snorting coke and telling the world that you can’t get AIDS if you’re on top. That would have been less of a waste of my time.

It’s a full moon every day. Come on, editors. Get off your asses and shoot some B rolls.

Sharon (she’s still on this show?) sits in the hot tub with Josh and tells him that they need to find a way to get Hobo Hank out before he turns on them. Josh agrees, but is a bit afraid of the hobo. “He’s fierce.” ARGH. I thought I was done with that damn term when Christian won Project Runway. Note to homos: PLEASE STOP WITH THE FIERCE. You’re embarrassing us all with that crap. Love, Flipit.

Sure enough, James is sitting around either A: mentally connecting his moles to make a bunny shape or B. plotting. He gets up. If he goes to the kitchen for a sharpie, it’s A, if he goes to the HOH room, it’s B. B! OMG I just typed BB. Sign?

When he enters, Nat greets him with a fishbowl of wine and gigglingly admits that she was talking to herself. He walks past her in a “what else is new, fruit cake?” kind of way and gets down to business. He betrayed her trust, but he never put her on the block and the only reason he got rid of Matty was because he was so big and strong and handsome and so in love with her. Nat falls for it and suggests they work together to get to the final two. Now finally, here is some game play. I am kind of shocked for a second.

Josh is no good and will screw them all, especially her. She can nominate him and Sharon and use the couple excuse. Then she and James can pretend they hate each other and pick the rest off one by one since she’s in the currently winning alliance of four and will need backup when they all start to turn on each other. There’s no way the boys will turn on each other first. Just look at the numbers. So align it is. Nice work, Hank. You’re much more pleasant when you’re not dancing around and doing cart wheels and generally acting like a huge asshole. You’re welcome.

Then Nat paces around and talks to God while she gets wasted. Time for food competition! There are watermelons set up outside and each HG has to insert a disk that says slop or food. If the majority chooses slop, they will get slop, but if the majority chooses food, they will get slop. Uh…basically it’s to see who’s the greediest. Once they’ve chosen, they smash their watermelons with a mallet to reveal their answers. Every single person wanted to look like they were good deep down and chose slop. Except for Moose, who doesn’t mind admitting that he’s a greedy bastard. He wins! Go Moose! Everyone else is on slop. PS- I have a welt on my forehead from slamming it down on my desk while writing the preceding paragraph.

This is your brain. This is your brain on Big Brother.

That night, James sits and thinks deeply about how sad and lonely he is and waaaah no one gives me quarters just for standing around and doing nothing in this house boohoooooo. Whatever. You’re so sweet and sensitive when you’re completely powerless. My friend used to have this cat that would come up and scratch the crap out of people and then run away. The day she had it declawed I brought over a fresh bag of MJ and a bottle of wine and we just laughed and laughed at that little fucker as it limped around and meowed sweetly with it’s bandaged little paws. I feel the same way right now.

Next, we’re treated to a segment of Ryan and Moose trying to make a whirlpool in the pool. Really? As I’ve said, I avoid the live feeds because I can’t keep a secret and don’t want to put spoilers into these recaps, but you guys have to tell me. Are things really this dire in that house right now? I remember last season when I finally got to watch all my recorded After Darks, there would be hours of pantry closeups, but at least that was only towards the end. We’ve got a long way to go, HG’s. Wake UP.

The most fun they have all day is when Nat drunkenly goes to stare at and talk to Matty’s picture on the wall. Creepy? Yes. But the entire last fifteen minutes of this episode has been no less so. They laugh at her and talk about what a psycho she is, and I agree, but come on now. If you don’t have anything new to bitch about, make something up. Like that cat story from a couple paragraphs back. It’s not hard.

What? Don’t judge me.

Ryan comes to the HOH room and tries to talk Nat into backdooring James. If she’s thinking of working with the Hobo, this would be the best possible thing he could have said to her. It’s hard to read her reaction because she can’t help staring into the camera with crazy eyes. I thought James’ plan sounded pretty good for the both of them, but she doesn’t agree. She puts James and Josh up on the block. Hmmmmm. What do you guys think? Did she just blow it or would the Hobo have screwed her anyway??