Big Brother: Jesus Just Wishes You Would Look In A Damn Dictionary

Previously, on Big Brother: America got Dustin evicted from the house. No, really, that’s how it happened. Then Daniele won HoH, and I was unhappy about it. Then Flipit moved into a new apartment when it was his turn to recap, and since he already did me a solid when I went to Lollapalooza, I recapped tonight’s ep, which means that you get me for three episodes in a row. Who’s ready for cake, because it’s a recap celebration, bitches.The first thing we get this week is…Amber crying! She can’t believe Dustin’s gone; she’s crying so severely that she gets the hiccups, like a four-year-old would. I’m seriously. Jessica tells us that she was sad to see Dustin go personally, but happy strategically because she was able to get rid of him without “getting her hands dirty”, which is true. Eric’s going to take all the hits for this one because of the vote. Speaking of Eric, he tells us how happy he is with the outcome of last week, and how he did our bidding successfully, and then he tells America that it has blood on it’s collective hands. Blood, I tell you! Of the metaphorical variety! May Dustin’s heart quietly beat beneath the symbolic floorboards of this nation’s heartland. And yes, I’m looking at you, Nebraska.

Eric goes over to Jameka to apologize for the outcome, telling her that it was a group decision. She is clearly “your mama” pissed right now, and also telling her that it was a group decision maybe signifies that she’s no longer part of the group, so stay quiet, there, Modern Day Betsy Ross.

Amber wanders around the house crying crocodile tears and runs into Jameka, who tells her that there is some “shady, shifty shit going on right here”. Alliteration, watching on the couch from home is like, “Shout out!” Amber wails on over to her bed (seriously, have you seen that kid in the supermarket that is getting dragged by his mom away from the candy rack, making that fake crying face and wailing and taking those giant steps? That’s Amber exactly right now) and picks up some stuffed animal that I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen before, petting it and looking skyward (towards Jesus, y’all) and talking about Dustin and how he would tell her to soldier on, like he’s in the grave or something. Amber: he’s not dead. He’s in Mexico. Away from Dick.

So, this is gold: we flashback to the HoH competition’s final question about whether there were seven cards on the Mad Hatter’s hat or not. Amber says, and I quote, “I knew that there were six cards on the hat, but when Julie said seven, I was like, ‘Seven’s my lucky number! Yes!’ and so I put true.”

There are no words.

Then Daniele tells us how excited she is to be HoH for the second time with her big fake grin. I’m done with her, it’s official. I hate that she’s so excited when she just spent seven days crying and feeling sorry for herself. So Eric and Jess are in the corner in the aftermath, and Dani comes over and interrupts them to deadpan that they’re both suckers, and they’re both going home. Eric has a mini-anurism immediately, until Daniele laughs and tells them she’s just kidding. It’s actually pretty good. Okay, so I’m not quite done with her.

Jessica grabs Jameka from the kitchen and requests a discussion about the eviction so that she can clarify her position. She tells Jameka that with Dick, everyone knows exactly where he’s at, but with Dustin, nobody really had a clue. A much more compelling argument than “it was a group decision”. Jameka tells Jess that something just isn’t adding up in all of this, with Eric getting Dustin out and everything. Go to Dick and Daniele! They’re really good at making up stories about why people are responsible for things, even if those things don’t involve Nick. They’d tell Jameka that Eric got Dustin out, but because he’s being controlled by a tribe of very rich vampires.

Speaking of Nick, it’s time to see Daniele’s HoH room, and while her boyfriend is conspicuously absent from all of the pictures, Nick has written her a letter on pink stationary. You use the pink when you want to say something, really, really meaningful, you know. The white is for losers.

When Daniele gets her letter from Nick, Jen stares right through the wall and at the camera like, “Check this shit out! Am I the only one noticing that there’s no boyfriend anywhere here?” which is awesome. I wish she would return to the show. The houseguests leave the HoH room so Daniele can read her pink letter, and the Stupid Romantic Piano Keys of How Can Anyone Think This Is Sweet, It’s Actually Sort of Gross Because SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND, REMEMBER start playing, and then she reads the letter aloud, which is full of “funny” inside jokes and a bunch of things that could be code, but probably aren’t because I don’t think they’re smart enough to come up with something like that.

After the commercial, we get some news: you will be surprised to know that Amber has trouble remembering what big words mean. Am I the only one imagining tiny verbs and nouns contained within each tear, slipping out of her head one by one as she cries about really random crap? That would be like actual, literal poetic justice.

Words that Amber does not know: ridicule, superficial, and (ironically) integrity. And then she asks Dick what “back door” means, while she eats a banana, and the editors insert a little sound to indicate that Dick is maybe thinking a little about buggery. Again, this is why this show is awesome.

Eric grabs Amber and has a discussion with her to explain himself (Was this planned? Jess grabs Jameka and Eric grabs Amber?), telling her that he thought that if someone from the other side won HoH and nominated someone from their group of five, that he would go up and that they would vote him out, so he didn’t feel safe having Dustin around. All true, and a very good explanation. Amber wants to have a meeting to assess whether the remaining four are still a group or not, and then she tells us in the DR that she can forgive, but she can never forget. She’s like an elephant. Except, what’s an elephant?

And now, an extended explanation of the rules and regulations of Beer Pong, for those of you watching at home that are not familiar. He does not go into the particulars of the “re-rack” or any of the rules about repeat turns or double drinks, which makes me sad. FYI, I’m like the Michael Jordan of Beer Pong, or Beirut or whatever it’s called in your area. I would tell you about the time that I was on a team that won fifteen games in a row and retired undefeated, but I don’t remember the last five games. So I sort of…can’t tell you. While we’re talking about drinking games, I’m also really good at Asshole. Quarters is my weak event. But wait until the TVGasm Summer Picnic, it is so on.

So, it turns out that they started wagering on the outcome of beer pong matches, which is not unheard of. So Eric had to wear a pair of booty shorts (which will not be screencapped here) and also Jessica’s Jackie O dress from the first episode. He calls himself a “petite fellow”, which rules.

Jameka and Amber grab Dick to pry some information out of him and figure out how the hell Dustin got evicted. Since Dick sort of doesn’t know, he really doesn’t give them any information. He does tell them all about how he was trying to make them hate him last week, and then we get flashbacks of Dick doing his tired old schtick again. Then Dick takes credit for getting Dustin evicted for being too smug with the crown and cape and acts like he’s Machiavelli or something. Which he’s not. But he did feed them false information. Not on purpose, because he thinks it’s true, but he did it, right? Then the editors make it look like Dick leaves and Amber magically comes up with the fact that Eric and Jess are aligned with Dick and Dani, which I am not buying for a second. I mean, I know it’s just about the only option, but Amber is going to come up with and identify a subtle shift in the house alliances when she’s not sure what “perception” means?

For the food competition, the houseguests get dressed up in togas and play a giant game of Beer Pong, which is pretty cool. Basically, the house is in two teams of four and the team that wins the match gets to eat for the week. There’s also a “feast” can on each side, and if both teams cover that one up than the house gets a feast, even the people who are on slop that week. The teams are Zach, Dick, Eric and Jess against Amber, Jameka, Dani and Jen. The competition starts, and Jessica is the MVP when she sinks like three in a row. The red team (Eric, Jess et al) pulls out way ahead until the score is 6-2, but then (as many beer pong matches go, because those last few are always tough to get), the blue team makes a comeback and the score is almost tied. Amber has her blue team bandana tied in a stupid bow in the front of her hair, which makes her look like Xanax Minnie Mouse.

The red team ends up with only one left when the other team has four or five left, but that last one can be REALLY tough to get, so Amber’s team makes a comeback. Soon it’s tied at 9-9, but Eric sinks the final shot and Amber, Jameka, and Jen (who was already on slop from the POV competition a few weeks ago) and Daniele lose. Daniele’s not on slop because she’s HoH, so really just Amber and Jameka lose. Then Jameka tells us that maybe being on slop will make her less of a target, which…no.

When they get back inside, they find that the table is smaller, which is a now-traditional signal for the houseguests that it’s time to pretend to be sad about people that are gone. Also, it’s time for us to be pissed that people are still around. Seriously, can someone explain to me how Amber is still there? I mean, she gives me a lot of great material, but still.

Back from the break Eric and Jess are lounging on the bed and Dick comes in to give them some good natured heckling about making out, which is always recommended. Jess is like, “You’re as bad as Julie!” which is great, because name three other ways in which Dick and Julie are similar. Go!

1. They are both beneficiaries of CBS nepotism.
2. They both have tattoos in unspecified nether regions.
3. I don’t know, they’re both…Asian? No?

So Dick gives Jess a little more crap about it, but it’s in good fun. It’s good to see a side of Dick that’s enjoyable. It makes me think that maybe he’s sort of fun in real life. I could totally see that. Jess tells Eric and Dick that she told Julie that she was focusing on the game, and Eric makes a quick frowny-face. She’s playing hard to get, she totally likes you! She said it!

Up in the HoH Jen and Dani are talking about nominations. Jen straight-up asks Daniele if she’s one of the people Dani is thinking about putting up (subtlety: not a word that you can fit Jen’s name into), and Dani tries to tell her no, but it comes of pretty disingenuously. Dani tells us she’s always worried about Jen because she seems to come off of the block every time she’s on.

Eric goes to get his AP task, which is to get Amber nominated! Yay! An actual wise choice this week. Eric goes up to HoH where Dani and Dick are hanging out to do our bidding and spill more blood. Blood! He tells them that he wants to see Amber up on the block just because it would be fun. And then he earns my approval forever by telling them that “It’s going to be Weepfest all week anyway, right? We might as well give her something to cry about.” Indeed, you should. Push her off the cliff!

Tonight’s AP vote: Eric has to give someone his “childhood woobie” and share a sentimental story with them. And: please vote for Amber, because the crying that would ensue would be phenomenal. Can you imagine? Let’s work together to achieve this common end.

While Daniele does the fake pensive HoH Memory Wall Stare, we get a confessional from Amber in which she’s totally sure that she’s going up, because, get this, she thinks everyone loves her and she’d be a difficult Final Two Partner. I mean, she has no idea what this “Final Two” everyone keeps talking about is, but she knows that she’d be really good at it.

Daniele brings everyone in for nominations, and tells them that being HoH again is a really “rough situation to be in”. Yeah, having complete and total immunity and getting snacks from home and your own bedroom and stuff just makes it so much harder to, you know, be real when everyone else in the house is so fake. My disdain for her, it is large. She pulls out Jessica’s key first and tells her that she did it so that Jess will know that she did not take her nomination last week personally. Then Jen is safe, then Dick, Zach, and Eric, so Jameka and Amber are nominated for the week. Amber’s not concerned, because God has told her that she’s winning veto and that Jameka and Amber are already the Final Two, “whatever that is”. Can we please get Amber up out this bitch?